“Beer beer, the wonderful brew, the more you drink it, the more you spew.”
~Ancient Chinese Proverb
Last week we introduced our newest weekly segment, “This Week in Beer,” where we detailed the latest trends in beer. We don’t mean to overstate its impact on your life, but we spent a few paragraphs berating the government for shutting down, leaving breweries unable to get new recipes or labels approved, and six hours after we submitted the article, the government opened again. That’s right. Remember, when everyone in America wakes up to find a pony in their front yard that has been given to them as a gift by their local Congressman, you can thank us for telling them to do that (or you can shout, “What the fuck, AFFotD, my apartment is going to be covered in pony shit” which is totally a valid response. We really didn’t think this whole pony plan through, to be honest).
An educated American is a drunk American, so we’re going to continue our quest to give you all the most relevant beer news you can, because you’re far too sober for a Tuesday right now.
This Week In Beer: October 16-October 22
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Posted in Beer!
Tagged America, Baltimore, Baltimore Beer Week, Beer, Beer Pong, Blowfish, Blue Moon, Cleveland Browns, Dale's Pale Ale, Hangover, Map of America, Maryland, Massachusetts, MIT, NASCAR, Oskar Blues, This Week In Beer, Toddler Drinking a Beer, Yuengling
“Yes, we want you to write about the baconator. We’re tired of you using our money to talk about other people’s food. No tricks.”
You’ve no doubt noticed that every once and a while, when we’re particularly strapped for cash after having to pay one too many “destroying the nests of an endangered species of bird” fines, we turn to our “sponsor,” Wendy’s. Normally we’ve found occasion to talk about crazy foods we’ve just discovered while feeling a little part of us die every time we are forced at gunpoint to write something like, “Wendy’s! It’s food so good, you won’t believe it! Just like none of you should believe the suicide note if we turn up in a ravine!”
The last few times we’ve written about food have not been particularly…well received by our, uh, handlers. As in, we’ve had our Fun Facts hijacked a handful of times. As in, we used to have a lot more pets around the office before the Wendy’s executives figured out how to get past our security system. Pour one on the curb for Sparky.
That’s why, for today’s post, Wendy’s decided it was “too risky” to let us pick what to write about, so they just straight up told us, “Write about a Baconator.”
“Bacakonator?” we mumbled while sipping on a glass of whiskey.
“Yeah, like we said, write about the Baconator.”
…We haven’t much time until they figure out what we’ve done. Come with us if you want to hear about the bacon funnel cake.
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“Prrrrfftt plabber prrrftt sorry my glorious mustache was in my mouth, you see.”
Every great war leaves behind a cultural legacy. The Vietnam War spurned on counter-culture and PTSD. World War II developed and hardened the so-called “Greatest Generation.” The Korean War led to M*A*S*H*. The impact of these conflicts have been scorched into our memory, making irreplaceable connections in our minds. So, while we were riffling through the Smithsonian website looking for blueprints (we heard they have the Fonzie’s jacket there, and we fucking want it) we stumbled across this little item regarding the Civil War. Because, when you think of the Civil War, clearly the one thing you associate with it is slavery glorious facial hair.
We were going to do a fun fact on the importance of office safety, ever since we had to send [REDACTED] to the hospital when he started shouting, “GONZO JOURNALISM” and licking our supply of poison arrow frogs, but really, we figure this is more important. So, let’s rate some facial hair, everyone.
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Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts, Fighters
Tagged Adelbert Ames, Alexander Shaler, Alpheus Williams, Ambrose Burnside, America, Andrew Johnson, Anton Chigurh, Cavalry, Cheers, Civil War, Cliff, Family Guy, J.E.B. Stuart, Jeff Bridges, Jim Henson, John Haskell King, John McAllister Schofield, John Worden, Koren War, M*A*S*H*, Muppet, Mustache, NASCAR, No Country for Old men, Peter Griffin, Playmobile, Potato Chips, PTSD, Rear Admiral, Redacted, Ridiculous Mustaches, Ringo, Samuel Carroll, Sideburns, Smithsonian, The Fonz, The Village People, Tom Selleck, Vietnam War, Wikipedia, World War II