We Just Learned That Oyster Ice Cream Exists So You Must Now Suffer This Knowledge as Well

“Goddamn it, I’m eating, I don’t want to hear about this. Gross.”

~You

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This is going to be a short article, and it’s going to haunt you for a long time. We’d apologize but we ran out of sorries somewhere around the time we wrote an articles with 90 pictures of sex jokes from Paper Mario 64.

Anyway. We’re going to write about ice cream. That’s not particularly unusual for us. And we’re going to write about gross ice cream. Again, been there, done that.

But no. We learned something horrible today, and we decided to drop everything and put together some 500 words so that you, our dear, beloved readers, can have their day ruined as well.

We are monsters and we must be stopped. Because.

Oyster Ice Cream Exists. Look Upon My Works, Ye Mighty, and Despair

oyster ice cream

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Paper Mario 64 Is the Horniest Video Game Ever Made

“Okay, so Mario has to get the Star-Rod, but you can also play as Peach, who gets help from Twink, okay guys what is it why are you all giggling?”

~Nintendo 64’s Focus Group Leader

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The last article we posted was an 18,000 word piece that took us five days to write, and at least 20 hours to research. It was a state-by-state analysis of how each America is handling the COVID-19 crisis that is currently *insert some cliche “we’re in this together” bullshit you’ve heard in like 500,000 commercials.*

So naturally, since people are talking about how we “did so much research” to provide “essential information” in our most recent post, we decided to follow that up with, just, the least essential article ever. This brings us so much joy. It is the dumbest thing we have ever done. We are truly children. Anyway, let’s have at it!

Paper Mario 64 Is the Horniest Video Game Ever Made

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Who Fucked Up? How States Are Handling Reopening in the Time of COVID

“Guys, why are you making me do real news? We’ve NEVER even come CLOSE to writing real news. Oh Jesus Christ, this is going to be so long isn’t it?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt. 

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Listen, we’re not happy about this article either.

This is not going to be worth the effort it takes to compile and, despite the fact that we’re going to try to fill this article with a combination of dumb dick jokes and meticulously compiled data, presented without too much overt bias, this will somehow piss off people, because apparently showing and discussing boring, dispassionate charts is considered “political” by about 25% of you fucking morons.

We are just looking at when states started opening up their economy, and we’re comparing that to how, as of the publication of this article, their infection rates of COVID-19 are trending. That’s it.

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We’re not saying that, if a state suddenly has a spike that looks like you’d need a fucking ladder to climb it, the state in question will forever suck at reopening their state. We’re not saying that states that held off on reopening are going to magically be in better shape than anywhere else.

Listen. If you’re reading this article at any point more than a few days from its publication, it could be oddly prophetic, or it could be a receipt left on the internet of how we misinterpreted how these trends would look in the long term.

That’s fine! This is literally a time capsule for this day, and however the data plays out after this point, it’s not at all tied to our ego. We wrote this over the course of like five days, and even in that short period of time some states saw HUGE changes from what we initially were seeing.

We had to go back and update all our charts, because while some were still accurate, some had some AGGRESSIVE CHANGES! If you’re reading this in September, we acknowledge that this article is going to seem quaint in its assumption that things are hunky-dory at some places they are not. We’re not happy that we spent about 20 hours writing this either.

And listen, if this article is proven to be stupid in a week, and states that we chastised for rushing into things ended up trending downward, cool! We’ll be glad to be wrong! We write stupid articles all the time. Like, that’s kind of our thing.

Anyway, all that we’re saying is, if you get mad reading our analysis here, maybe fuck off a lot. No, seriously. Shut it. Nope. Just. Shh. Shut up. Chill out.

And for the rest of you, you may often find yourself wondering this one question. And as of early-to-mid- June of 2020, this article will be your answer to—

Who Fucked Up? How States Are Handling Reopening in the Time of COVID

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6 of the Goofiest American Names From the 19th Century

“It’s like an entire century decided to find a name funnier than Seymour Butts.”

~American Historians Looking at Goofy American Names

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In the past, when we spent time looking into baseball players of the 19th century to find some really goofy names, it was primarily to talk about how silly, yet delightful, the Wild Wild West days of early Major League Baseball truly was.

But the more we thought about it, the more we wondered—what if it wasn’t just baseball players that had strange, laughable names back then? What if the era was responsible for ridiculous names more than just the sport of baseball?

It seemed plausible, and so we did a little digging (read as—we found a list on tumblr and did some googling to make sure the names weren’t just made up). And because very little gives us more joy in life than making fun of people whose parents really should not have tried to get “creative” coming up with a word to describe a human for their whole fucking life, we’re going to make fun of some names that are goofier than your name.

Except for you, Brandalynn. Your name is white trash garbage.

6 of the Goofiest American Names From the 19th Century

fucking brandalynn

Oh for fuck’s sake, it’s a gender neutral name too?

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The Most Absurd Mockbusters That Exist for Some Reason

“What’s that? There’s a new Spider-Man movie coming out? Maybe we can swoop in with…I got it….SPIDER-BOY! The Lawyers can’t get us then!”

~The Head of The Asylum

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Unless you’re a grandmother being tricked into giving her grandson a crappy DVD for Christmas, or gluttons for punishment like most of our writing staff, there’s a chance you’ve not heard about the film studio The Asylum, or even the more broad category known as Mockbusters.

The concept behind Mockbusters is simple. There are studios, or producers, or The Asylum it’s almost always The Asylum, who aim to make money by producing hyper-low-budget movies that pretend to be, or otherwise share similar themes and titles to, popular megamillion blockbuster films. Think Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, anything with a large cultural footprint.

The thought process behind filming these low-quality mockbusters is almost insultingly uncomplicated. Avengers has the highest grossing opening weekend of all time? Just spend like $800,000 on a cheap film called Avenge Squad Assemble, and you’re almost sure to make your money back from confused old people who still buy DVDs and those amongst our staff who enjoy ironically watching bad movies (you may roll your eyes at them).

Generally speaking, the blockbusters that are being mockbusted make sense. It’s not particularly surprising that the filming of Thor led to the creation of Almighty Thor. And Jurassic World was a massive hit, so obviously you’re gonna get Jurassic City.

But what about the high-budget films that we all knew, deep down inside, were probably…not going to be smashes? The Howard the Ducks of the world? Well guess what—if Howard the Duck came out in 2020, and had a $100 million budget, there would be a Mockbuster of it, because we live in a strange world that gives us strange movies that are both A- unnecessary and B- somehow profitable. That’s why we’re going to spend TOO MUCH TIME talking to you about…

The Most Absurd Mockbusters That Exist for Some Reason

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Which Actors in the Harry Potter Franchise Ended Up Being Hot

“We’ve gone this long avoiding being BuzzFeed, but now that no one cares about BuzzFeed…let’s do it.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

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So here we are.

We’re doing a “hot or not” post.

Some backstory. Well, not enough to forgive the premise of this article, but whatever.

Our staff decided to binge through the Harry Potter films over the course of two days. We’re literally watching The Order of the Phoenix as we write this, and as we watch this film in the year 2020, a film that centers around how a government can deceive you by discrediting accurate media and replacing independent government agents because they don’t speak to an evil agenda, we couldn’t stop ourselves from getting controversial.

Watching this type of film, during the lost year that is 2020, we knew we had to talk about this movie. And we had to talk about a single topic.

And that topic is…….

Which Actors in the Harry Potter Franchise Ended Up Being Hot

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Yes This Is an Article Entirely About the End Credits of “That Thing You Do!”

“I haven’t seen this movie in about fifteen years and I must talk about it.”

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Ranking the Members of the Glenn Miller Orchestra By How White and 1940s Their Names Are

“Hahah the past is hilarious.”

~Official AFFotD Mission Statement

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We here at America Fun Fact of the Day know that it is our sworn duty to create that content that you, the reader, will truly crave. Unfortunately, we might not pull that off in this article, since a lot of dog whistles might be sounding in a lot of your heads with us talking about the Glenn Miller Band in such terms as “lol, so white” and “1940s much, grandpa?”

And normally, sure, we’d do a deep dive into the American musical icon that is Glenn Miller. In fact, we absolutely should. The man disappeared in 1944, likely crashing into the English Channel on the way to perform a show to support WWII troops, but his remains were never found. In just four years, he recorded 16 number-one records and 69 (nice) top-10 hits. To put that in perspective, that’s more top-10 hits than the Beatles and Elvis Presley combined.

Yup. There’s a lot of really rich, interesting history to unpack in the forty years of musical life of the American legend Glenn Miller. But our loyal reader and occasional contributor “Admiral Myark” (he did not sign off on this moniker) sent us the centerfold from the 1958 compilation of Glenn Miller and his orchestra’s film soundtrack contributions, and, well, we’re gonna rank a lot of old-timey white person names from least to most old-timey white person name sounding. Because Glenn Miller was a hero, and it’s only the true heroes that we feel comfortable poking fun at.

Ranking the Members of the Glenn Miller Orchestra By How White and 1940s Their Names Are

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We Need to Talk about 2014’s Christian Mingle

“We need a hero in this nation at the moment. I am not that hero. I am, however, someone willing to get drunk and talk about a 6-year-old Christian romantic comedy. Which works in a pinch.”

Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

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*deep breath*

Hi America. It’s me. Johnny Roosevelt. I know I typically leave the article writing here to my staffers, and only really come out of the woodwork to talk about really important matters, such as the social costs of masquerading fake news as bad satire, or Lou Bega teaming up with (the long deceased) Scatman to release a fucking JAM.

But imagine my surprise when I emerged from my yearly four-month Spirits Journey (a Spirits Journey, obviously, involves locking myself in my office with a full barrel of bourbon stolen from the Pappy Van Winkle distillery and avoiding any and all human contact until I’ve finished it) to find out that my staff walked the fuck out without telling me and we hadn’t posted anything since November.

And doubly imagine my surprise when I checked the news and saw that people were suddenly “washing their hands” and “discouraging people from normal social practices, like playing the ‘how many fingers can I get in your mouth’ game with elderly strangers.” So yeah. It’s a strange time to be living in America, especially when you’re nursing a four-month-bender hangover. People are scared. People are panicked. People are treating toilet paper rolls like they’re tulip bulbs in 17th fucking century Holland.

We need something to unite us. Or, at least, distract us in a way that isn’t rich people singing John Lennon’s most overrated song of all time.

What we need…is to talk about the romantic comedy film of 2014, Christian Mingle. Because holy shit.

We Need to Talk about 2014’s Christian Mingle

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Six Constitutional Amendments That Were Nearly Ratified (And Four that Still Could be)

“Hmm, a constitutional amendment against child labor? Seems a bit radical for my tastes.”

~Voters in the 1920s, apparently

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The United States Constitution defines this nation more than any single document, and as a result it’s also a thing that a lot of people get really mad about sometimes, and that very few people have probably actually read all the way through. And really, what’s more American than getting pissed off about strongly defined positions you have based on nothing more than a few tidbits of information and a gut feeling?

That said, it is an incredibly historically significant document, probably the most impactful pieces of government writing since, um, what, the Magna Carta? We really don’t know or care about government writing that isn’t the US Constitution, which we assure you we have not even tried to read.

Now, the most important part of the Constitution is the fact that it’s not set in stone—it can be changed. You know, that whole Amendments thing? It’s easy to forget that we can actually do that—go into our founding document and say, “You know, we don’t like this anymore, let’s change that part,” because even though we have submitted over 11,000 proposed Amendments since the founding of the nation (seriously), very few ever come close to even become a real thing.

Sure, the ten year span from 1960 to 1971 saw a bunch of quick passing Amendments become a reality (The 23rd let’s Washington D.C. have Electoral College votes, the 24th has something to do with poll taxes and voting rights, the 25th solidifies presidential succession, and the 26th was arguably the most monumental, lowering the voting age to 18) but since then we’ve only had one Amendment come through, the 27th, which was originally proposed in 1789 and didn’t get ratified until 1992.

But since 1992? No amendments have really gotten close. Sometimes an Amendment will get vote on, but it’s almost always dead on arrival. In fact, it’s pretty difficult to get traction an any changes to the supreme law of our nation. For example, we almost got rid of the Electoral College in 1970. We were extremely close.

It passed Congress, and it passed the Senate Judiciary Committee, and the only reason it didn’t pass into law because the Senate filibustered it, so it never came to vote. Which made us think—are there any Amendments that actually passed, but were never ratified by states? The answer is not only yes, it’s yes to six different Amendments. And four of them could still be passed today! Which seems weird, right?

Anyway, let’s simplify legislation in a way to make any lawyer worth their salt piss themselves out of pure rage, and talk about…

Six Constitutional Amendments That Were Nearly Ratified (And Four that Still Could be)

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