“Coffee coffee coffee coffee?”
As we’ve described in detail earlier, America loves coffee as it is, but that doesn’t mean we’re above making it taste like insane combinations of flavors, like coconut lime jalapeno, or like black velvet cognac. Most people like coffee, because it’s a drug, but some people don’t like the taste of coffee, because it’s the bitter bi-product of forcing boiling water through burned and crushed beans. Either way, coffee is one of the things that keeps America humming like a well drugged machine (at least until they legalize Cocaine again), and the only thing more American than coffee is America’s ability to make coffee that tricks you into thinking its cake.
Because cake is delicious, but cake that wakes you up in the morning is even more delicious. And cake that wakes you up in the morning that tastes better when you pour whiskey in it is themost delicious.
(We’re assuming that the only reason why Americans drink coffee is to give them a convenient place to empty their morning flask of whiskeys.)
Anyway, once again, it’s time for AFFotD to count through…
More of America’s Strangest Coffee Flavors
We’re not going to pretend to know how coffee manufacturers have been able to so radically alter the flavor of coffee in order to provide you such products as Vanilla Macadamia Nut flavored coffee or coffee that tastes like pistachio, but if we were going to pretend, we’d say it’s all because of dark wizardry. Or, more probably, American produced chemicals. Given that we’ve figured out how to caffeinate water, it’s not surprising that we’ve come up with all sorts of Godless flavored coffee products to rub in the face of other, less glowing-in-the-dark nations. That’s why we are able to sit down and sip on delicious breakfast drinks such as…
This is possibly the least surprising coffee flavor ever for those truly in synch with the collective hive mind that America’s obese has formed throughout the years. Yes, if you told a Frenchman about Bacon Maple Coffee he might say something in a language where all the consonants are mumbled together, but the general translation would be, “I cannot fathom how someone would come up with such a product.” Not so in America. This is a country that is so brilliantly reckless with bacon that we were about to write the sentence, “Granted, no one has ever decided to pour maple syrup into their coffee and then dip slices of bacon in there” until we realized that someone, somewhere, totally has already done that.
And don’t think we can’t see you, with that piece of bacon in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other, thinking to yourself, “maybe if I just dunked it a little…” No, we absolutely know you’re thinking about it. And hey, don’t let us stop you. This is America, dammit, if you don’t want to dunk bacon into your coffee you can get out.
Highlander Grogg Flavored Coffee
While Maple Bacon coffee seems like the most American coffee you could have ordered, the only reason we won’t say the opposite about Highlander Grogg is that we think Grogg is supposed to be alcoholic, and we’re also pretty sure there’s a whole section of coffees that are referred to as “Arabian.” None of the words this coffee uses to describe are American, but we strangely can’t hate it. On one hand, every time we hear the word “Highlander” we automatically assume that electricity sword fights will be forthcoming, and as the constitution clearly states, “All alcoholic beverages, even warm brandy based beverages from other countries, are American” we have to give begrudging respect to Grogg as well (even though they misspelled it in the product name).
Our only issue with this coffee is that they made it taste like Brandy and spices…which robs us of the chance to pour actual brandy into coffee. We can only assume that this was intentional, and that the Brandy flavoring somehow makes you determined to put even more booze into the coffee, because otherwise, we don’t understand the point of having booze tasting coffee that can’t get you drunk.
Okay, we can’t be the only ones having a hard time wrapping our heads around the concept of Cola flavored coffee, right? That seems less like a type of flavored coffee and more like a product that parents dangle in front of their children to help them finally understand that the Tooth Fairy isn’t real. Correct us if we’re wrong, but isn’t cola pretty much the soda pop alternative to coffee? Like, it’s a caffeinated beverage for people who don’t want hot coffee, right? If people wanted coffee that tasted like Cola, why is it that we’re pretty sure our staff includes the only 10 people who remember when they tried to make Coca-Cola Blak a thing.
Then again, that’s just about as confusing for us as…
Root Beer Float Flavored Coffee
We’re calling it right here. This is probably the coffee equivalent of Icarus flying too close to the sun. Root Beer Float flavored coffee? That feels like such an unnecessary mix of flavors that if you dropped a marshmallow in there half of the world’s sugar cane supply would spontaneously combust. Be wary, coffee drinkers! It’s not all Brandy and chocolate flavors. Sometimes your coffee decisions can have real consequences. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
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I got some pretty strange orders, too. Here are a few:
“The tall double one pump vanilla one pump hazelnut nonfat latte”: good enough.
“Grande caramel macchiato with a pump of mocha syrup”: I can see that.
Decaf Venti nonfat no whip one pump mocha? A cup of water would’ve made more sense.
But sometimes, people just wanted to be difficult, “I want a Grande Hazelnut Frappuccino, but I want it made with a Venti amount of Frappuccino mix. And then I want extra ice. And then, put the extra in a Grande cup and just top it with whipped cream.”