“We could do tacos…we could do thai…Oo, how about sushi?”
~Matthew McConaughey to TWO GODDAMN DOGS
This year, Matthew McConaughey continued his confusing commercial work with the Lincoln Motor Company, because he was in that one Lincoln lawyer movie, A Time to Kill. For those of you who have not seen a McConaughey Lincoln commercial, who are you and what pleasure do you get lying to websites on the internet? The the rest of (all of) you who know what we’re talking about, we’ll still run down the basics. There’s McConaughey driving a Lincoln. Soft music plays. He’s saying something that sounds folksy but really isn’t (“I used to drive this kind of car and now I get paid to drive this kind of car”) and then he gives the camera a sly look through the rear view mirror that’s all, “Ha ha, I got my statue I can do whatever the fuck I want.”
America has stood behind that. Nay, America has united behind that. But then McConaughey had to go ahead and film a commercial that proves that he is a terrible Dog Dad, and his dogs must be taken away from him before he causes them irreversible harm.
“It’s like an entire century decided to find a name funnier than Seymour Butts.”
~American Historians Looking at Goofy American Names
In the past, when we spent time looking into baseball players of the 19th century to find some really goofy name, it was primarily to talk about how silly, yet delightful, the Wild Wild West days of early Major League Baseball truly was. But the more we thought about it, the more we wondered—what if it wasn’t just baseball players that had strange, laughable names back then? What if the era was responsible for ridiculous names more than just the sport of baseball? It seemed plausible, and so we did a little digging (read as—we found a list on tumblr and did some googling to make sure the names weren’t just made up). And because very little gives us more joy in life than making fun of people whose parents really should not have tried to get “creative” coming up with a word to describe a human for their whole fucking life, we’re going to make fun of some names that are goofier than your name.
Except for you, Brandalynn. Your name is white trash garbage.
6 of the Goofiest American Names From the 19th Century
Oh for fuck’s sake, it’s a gender neutral name too?
“Well, we’re not NOT stealing gunpowder.”
~Colonel Henry Tucker
Bermuda is a small island nation some 600 miles off the coast of North Carolina primarily known for the fact that planes and boats historically like to disappear around it. But, it also has impacted history with America more than just being responsible for the plane crash that killed Buddy Holly (that was a Bermuda Triangle thing, right?). Bermuda was colonized with the British around the same time we were, and while they’re still technically a British Overseas Territory, they have a shared history with America, and have even been known to help us out on occasion.
One such occasion was the Bermuda Gunpowder Plot of 1775, where America’s young revolution was aided by some Bermudians who decided to shout, “Fuck you, dad” to all of the United Kingdom.
The Bermuda Gunpowder Plot
“Were you born without goddamn taste buds?”
~AFFotD Staffers reading The Top Tens’ list of Countries With the Worst Food
Occasionally, we have been known to read websites other than our own. It goes against our general ego-centric, ignorance-embracing lifestyle that we’ve worked very hard to foster, but it happens. Granted, most of the time we wander to the other darker corners of the internet, we find horrific, un-American things, so we try to limit how often we stray out, because the doctors have been telling us for years that we gotta start watching our blood pressure.
Anyway, this brings us to the purpose of today’s article. In researching for our lovely borderline-xenophobic series, The World’s Saddest Cuisines, we stumbled across an article from thetoptens.com that claimed to list the 10 Countries with the worst food in the world. We were interested. Would they include Armenia? Botswana? Oh, God, Latvia?
What we clicked was, very possibly, the most wrong a top 10 list has ever been about anything in the history of the internet. Fuck you, thetoptens.com, we’re going to write an article about how shit you are now.
Wherein AFFotD Denounced the Culinary Lies Perpetuated By the Brainless Fools Behind thetoptens.com
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, Insulting Foreigners, The Rest of Them
Tagged America, China, India, Japan, Mexico, Russia, Sweden, The World’s Saddest Cuisines, Top 10 List, Ukraine, Wherein
“*crashes and dies horribly*”
~The average airplane pilot in the 1920s
On the grand scale of human endeavors, we as a species have only recently mastered the art of flight. We’ve been able to stay in the air in a contraption of our own design for only a little over 100 years at this point, and we’re still trying to work out the kinks (consider- Spirit Airlines). But in the early days of flight, we really had no clue what the hell we were doing. Like, at all. Flying was something done by a very select group of crazy people with a death wish—listen, Amelia Earhart was a pioneer and an inspiration and blah blah blah, but it’s safe to say that part of her legacy comes from the fact that she partook in a profession that all but guaranteed that we’d never got to see what she looked like as an old lady. The fact that Charles Lindbergh lived to be 72 is almost as shocking as the fact that he had a secret Nazi family.
The early days in aviation were filled with daring attempts to do something that had never been done before using planes that were made out of balsa wood, fabric, and a lot of praying. The ambition often exceeded the technology, and when we weren’t trying to milk sky cows, we were trying to fly to parts of the world that we had no right trying to fly to.
Which sets the scene for 1927, when James D. Dole, the “he actually was called this” Pineapple King, decided he would sponsor an air race from Oakland to Hawaii, a trip that had never been successfully flown before. The Dole Air Race that followed would end up going down in history as one of America’s finest and most tragic moments of “What the fuck did you think would happen?” Just always remember- the reason you are alive today is that your great-grandparents did not try to fly airplanes in 1927.
The Dole Air Race: Crash and Burn, Repeat
“Guys. It’s beer. You’re overthinking it.”
~Brewers to their marketing departments
Beer pretty much sells itself. The only reason no beer company has the tagline of “Drink This And You’ll Feel Good And The Rest Of Your High School Classmates Will Think You’re Totally Cool” is that society has too many lawyers, man. Not surprisingly, then, beer is hugely popular, and with the current boon in craft breweries in America there has never been a better time to be a beer enthusiast. However, this popularity also means a crowded marketplace. Gone are the days where you can open up a brewery in your garage, make a decent IPA, and expect to watch your business soar because, guess what, there are 4,000 other breweries out there that just made an IPA that tastes just like yours. You gotta sex it up to stand out.
Unfortunately, or fortunately for fans of weird beer news, this means that we are constantly being exposed to brewery gimmicks meant to drum up some free publicity by doing something “totally out there” to their beer. It’s the reason why you can drink Pizza Beer, Donut beers, or beer brewed with bull testicles.
And so far, 2016 has seen this trend continue. So we’re going to let you know about some of the more out there beers that have come out in the past 8 months or so, because we like to reward pure insanity from our breweries.
Strangest Beer Gimmicks: June 2016 Edition
“*snorts the biggest line of cocaine* I’m sorry, what was that? Sure, whatever, that sounds fine, here’s some money.”
Comic book movies are such a cash cow right now in American culture that even movies that no one in their right mind would watch can get hundreds of million dollars thrown their way. Oh, we see you noticed our Green Lantern picture right up there. That’s, um, totally unrelated. Anyway, the point being that even if a comic movie isn’t good, there’s at least the assumption that, yes, this movie has an audience, it makes sense to spend money on this. That hasn’t always been the case, however. Before Spider-Man came around to remind everyone that people happen to like movies about heroes (huh, weird) those devoted to putting superheroes behind camera were either people with a comic book and a laughably low budget, or people who, well, maybe didn’t know what they were doing. The point is, outside of Superman, successful comic book movies weren’t a guaranteed slam dunk, which might help explain how some movies that managed to honest-to-God get released in America had story lines or plots that must have seemed like a bad idea when they were originally pitched, and an even worse idea when they were put on the big screen. We’re here to talk about those movies.
Absurd American Superhero Movies That Were Actually Released
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, Strange America
Tagged America, Bad Movies, Comic Book Movies, Comic Books, Condorman, Green Lantern, Rat Pfink a Boo Boo, Shaq, Shaquille O'Neal, Steel, Superbabies, Superbabies 2: Baby Geniuses, Superheroes, Swamp Thing
“Wait. His name was Alfred Mosher Butts? Are you sure? This wasn’t someone on staff fucking with Wikipedia again, was it?”
~AFFotD’s Fact Checking Team
We’ve all at one time or another played Scrabble—statistically, it’s in 1/3 of every American household, and 95% of every American grandparent household. If you haven’t played it before, you’re probably not reading this article, due to your severe and truly heartbreaking illiteracy, but on the off chance that someone told you how to use those programs that read websites out loud for blind people, we’ll throw you a bone. Scrabble is a classic American game where you form words on a grid to get points. If you said, “Oh, just like Words With Friends?” hello readers who were born after 9/11. But yes, it’s what Words With Friends ripped off. It’s a simple, yet enjoyable, game that stupid people absolutely despise for obvious reasons.
But it is an American invention. And not only that, it was invented by a man that we can’t believe isn’t better known in society. Partly because he invented an iconic game enjoyed by millions, if not billions. But also because his name was Alfred Mosher Butts! We are children, but we don’t care, we will always find that funny. So let’s talk about him!
The Inventor of Scrabble Was Actually Named Alfred Mosher Butts
“This election season, call Budweiser ‘America’”
~No, We’re Not Going To Fucking Do That
Yesterday, Budweiser sent newsfeeds everywhere a-buzzing with the craaazy news that starting on May 23rd, all cans of Budweiser sold in the United States will instead say “America” in their iconic font. Basically, you can “order an American” at the bar if you really want to see how many times your bartender can hear a person chortle at the same poorly formed semi-dad joke before they finally snap and burn the place to the fucking ground. This is a bit of an extension of previous years when Budweiser changed their packaging in the summer to more patriotic can designs, but it’s the first time they’ve actually removed their brand name to place the name of this great nation on it. You would think we would be enthused by such raw support of all things American.
You would be wrong.
To address this, we will cede the floor to Johnny Roosevelt, the Editor-in-Chief of America Fun Fact of the Day, who last took the time to personally address you all last summer when he spent 2,500 words personally insulting a rich egomaniac with a history of assault and an extensive gun collection. Surprisingly he’s still alive to let you know why Budweiser is wrong and bad for trying to get you to call it America. Take it away, chief.
Johnny Roosevelt Speaks: Do Not Call Budweiser “America” No Matter What The Can Tells You
“This Change.org petition is really gonna make a difference!”
~No, no it’s not
Change.org was founded in 2007 as a tool for people to advocate social causes. It’s used by over 100 million people who either have signed petitions or created their own, and it serves as an interesting launching point for issues that might otherwise get drowned out. It occasionally has caused a difference, most notably for its involvement in drawing national attention to the Trayvon Martin case, but mostly it’s used for what most things on the internet are used for. Okay, well, not porn, though we probably just Rule 34ed some of that into existence just now. No, it’s basically used for people to bitch and complain about something that annoys them. That ranges from sensible, social concerns to petty, stupid issues. But somewhere in between, something wonderful happens. Craziness.
So we did some digging to find some of our favorite wtf Change.org petitions for your please. All of these are 100% real and unedited.
The Most Absurd Change.org Petitions in America