“Give me a break!”
~Um, That’s Not The Theme Song To Captain Crunch…
When Captain Cap’n Crunch first hit the shelves in 1963, we didn’t worry ourselves with the fact that he’s not an actual Captain, and instead went wild over the corn-based cereal that was the first to be coated in a thin layer of oil to give it an additional boost of flavor. The cereal itself was developed by Pamela Low, a flavorist (shut up, it’s a thing) (no it actually is) at Arthur D. Little who tried to make a cereal that tasted like her grandmother’s recipe of brown sugar and butter melted over rice. Now, as far as “tasting like sugar butter over rice” goes, Captain Cap’n Crunch was an abject failure. But if we look at the product through a “holy shit, this is really good, let’s put some crunch berries in it” lens, it was a roaring success.
Now, Cap’n Crunch is everywhere, and you’ll hear no one complain about that fact because Cap’n Crunch is goddamn magical. That is, when they’re not trying to showboat.
Yes, much like Marshmallow Peeps, Oreos, or, God help us, M&Ms, Cap’n Crunch has tried many times to fly to the sun, only to see their waxen wings melt away. That was a very elegant metaphor about how you shouldn’t sell Cap’n Crunch that comes with fucking pop rocks in it.
Cap’N Crunch’s Grossest Flavors of All Time
“Leggo my Lego!”
~That’s not their slogan…
Legos are so ingenious we’re frankly surprised they’re not from America. They were actually invented in Denmark or Sweden or one of those countries way up over there, we don’t really care, we have a hard enough time figuring out if it’s Vermont or New Hampshire that borders Maine to care about where other countries are. That being said, Lego is kind of the perfect toy—it encourages creativity in children, and Asperger-level concentration and commitment in adults. The genius of Lego lies in its adaptability—if The Lego Movie taught us anything, it’s that Will Ferrell is kind of an asshole of a dad. No, wait, it’s that you shouldn’t limit your imagination. Well, that imagination is alive and well in America, in the form of custom Lego sets, for sale, by third party vendors. Okay, so maybe you’re not using your imagination by buying them, but they are at the very least…unique.
The Strangest (Unofficial) Lego Sets You Can Actually Buy
“This would be so much better if there was a bar here.”
Museums are an important part of American culture. They unite us to our history and offer a serviceable way to spend a Sunday afternoon. Museums are mostly fine! Some are actually pretty cool! Museums, or institutions that conserve and collect objects of various historic, cultural, artistic, or scientific significance, have been around for thousands of years. Literally every nation that isn’t ISIS has museums, because people want to feel connected to their past, present, and future, and looking at the leather jacket worn by the Fonz is a great way to help you do that.
Naturally, America does museums as well as anyone else. According to Trip Advisor, for example, 6 of the 25 best museums in the world are in the United States, including the #1 and #3 museums out there (the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York and the Chicago Art Institute, respectively) which is frankly astonishing considering that we’re competing against countries such as England, Greece and France who have literally thousands of more years of cultural history than we possess. We’re kicking ass even when we’re competing with places like the Louvre and the Acropolis!
So yes, America knows how to do classy, important museums. But there is one category where no other nation is even close to catching up to us in. America is by far the master at museums that are utterly pointless to the point of hilarity. We have a museum for everything here. Everything. To prove our point, we’re here to present you with…
America’s Most Absurdly Pointless Museums
“Squack, I’ll keep whatever pet I goddamn well please, squack.”
~Andrew Jackson’s Pet Parrot
It’s almost an unwritten rule that America’s President take care of a pet during their stay in the White House, even if the only reason is that having a pet is a good way to make the man with more power than anyone else in the free world just a tad bit more relatable. And also because pets are adorable. Currently, the White House is home to two Portuguese Water Dogs, and dogs and cats are pretty typical presidential pets because they’re pretty typical regular pets. But that’s not always the case. Throughout our nation’s histories, some presidents have decided, “I’m the President, goddamn it, I can choose any pet I want” before taking care of the best and most insane pets ever.
Here are five times that American Presidents thought a bit outside the box when it came to pets.
The 5 Best Presidential Pets in American History
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, Obscure American History, Our Greatest Presidents, Strange America
Tagged America, Andrew Jackson, Calvin Coolidge, Cats, Dogs, Herbert Hoover, John Quincy Adams, Martin Van Buren, Pets, Presidential Pets, Presidents, Thomas Jefferson
“I’m totally signing that fire ants petition, though.”
~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD.com Editor-in-Chief
Back in May, we went through change.org to find some of the most absurd petitions in existence. It was fun. One dude wanted to rename the planet Uranus to Planet Reagan, because Uranus sounds like a dirty word. See, the best thing about change.org is that there’s no real oversight or accountability, which means that when we posted absurd petitions, it was not the result of some deep search through the entire history of the site. Those were all created within a day of each other. We decided, hell, that was fun, so let’s do it again. Because, honestly, change.org is the best website on the internet if you want to find a healthy mix of people clearly posting joke petitions, and those who are both insane and angry. That’s why we’re here to present…
More of the Most Absurd Change.org Petitions in America
~Your Taste Buds
The potato chip—America’s most effective salt delivery system since 1853. We as a nation eat 1.5 billion pounds of the stuff a year, which pares down to about 4 pounds of greasy, delicious shame for every American. It is an actual American invention, coming into existence because of a douchebag customer who kept sending back his fried potatoes for not being thinly cut enough, and the chef who said, “fuck you, I’ll give you fried potato peelings then and oh holy shit he actually likes it?” Since its inception, potato chips have spread all over the world, which is a good thing for people who work at liposuction clinics, and bad news for people who are trapped in countries that have decided a potato chip can be flavored as anything, no matter how batshit insane it is.
Surprisingly enough, we’re not talking about Japan, despite the atrocities they have committed against the humble Dorito. No, we’re talking about Lay’s, the parent company of Doritos, and a brand of potato chip that, for whatever reason has been hijacked by pure insanity in countries across the world. And before you say “Hey, I tried a bag of Borsch potato chips one time, it actually tasted pretty good!” we just want to remind you that you’re wrong and we don’t care what you have to say.
On to the distressing potato chips!
The Strangest Flavors of Lay’s Potato Chips in the World
“We could do tacos…we could do thai…Oo, how about sushi?”
~Matthew McConaughey to TWO GODDAMN DOGS
This year, Matthew McConaughey continued his confusing commercial work with the Lincoln Motor Company, because he was in that one Lincoln lawyer movie, A Time to Kill. For those of you who have not seen a McConaughey Lincoln commercial, who are you and what pleasure do you get lying to websites on the internet? The the rest of (all of) you who know what we’re talking about, we’ll still run down the basics. There’s McConaughey driving a Lincoln. Soft music plays. He’s saying something that sounds folksy but really isn’t (“I used to drive this kind of car and now I get paid to drive this kind of car”) and then he gives the camera a sly look through the rear view mirror that’s all, “Ha ha, I got my statue I can do whatever the fuck I want.”
America has stood behind that. Nay, America has united behind that. But then McConaughey had to go ahead and film a commercial that proves that he is a terrible Dog Dad, and his dogs must be taken away from him before he causes them irreversible harm.
“It’s like an entire century decided to find a name funnier than Seymour Butts.”
~American Historians Looking at Goofy American Names
In the past, when we spent time looking into baseball players of the 19th century to find some really goofy name, it was primarily to talk about how silly, yet delightful, the Wild Wild West days of early Major League Baseball truly was. But the more we thought about it, the more we wondered—what if it wasn’t just baseball players that had strange, laughable names back then? What if the era was responsible for ridiculous names more than just the sport of baseball? It seemed plausible, and so we did a little digging (read as—we found a list on tumblr and did some googling to make sure the names weren’t just made up). And because very little gives us more joy in life than making fun of people whose parents really should not have tried to get “creative” coming up with a word to describe a human for their whole fucking life, we’re going to make fun of some names that are goofier than your name.
Except for you, Brandalynn. Your name is white trash garbage.
6 of the Goofiest American Names From the 19th Century
Oh for fuck’s sake, it’s a gender neutral name too?
“Well, we’re not NOT stealing gunpowder.”
~Colonel Henry Tucker
Bermuda is a small island nation some 600 miles off the coast of North Carolina primarily known for the fact that planes and boats historically like to disappear around it. But, it also has impacted history with America more than just being responsible for the plane crash that killed Buddy Holly (that was a Bermuda Triangle thing, right?). Bermuda was colonized with the British around the same time we were, and while they’re still technically a British Overseas Territory, they have a shared history with America, and have even been known to help us out on occasion.
One such occasion was the Bermuda Gunpowder Plot of 1775, where America’s young revolution was aided by some Bermudians who decided to shout, “Fuck you, dad” to all of the United Kingdom.
The Bermuda Gunpowder Plot
“Were you born without goddamn taste buds?”
~AFFotD Staffers reading The Top Tens’ list of Countries With the Worst Food
Occasionally, we have been known to read websites other than our own. It goes against our general ego-centric, ignorance-embracing lifestyle that we’ve worked very hard to foster, but it happens. Granted, most of the time we wander to the other darker corners of the internet, we find horrific, un-American things, so we try to limit how often we stray out, because the doctors have been telling us for years that we gotta start watching our blood pressure.
Anyway, this brings us to the purpose of today’s article. In researching for our lovely borderline-xenophobic series, The World’s Saddest Cuisines, we stumbled across an article from thetoptens.com that claimed to list the 10 Countries with the worst food in the world. We were interested. Would they include Armenia? Botswana? Oh, God, Latvia?
What we clicked was, very possibly, the most wrong a top 10 list has ever been about anything in the history of the internet. Fuck you, thetoptens.com, we’re going to write an article about how shit you are now.
Wherein AFFotD Denounced the Culinary Lies Perpetuated By the Brainless Fools Behind thetoptens.com
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, Insulting Foreigners, The Rest of Them
Tagged America, China, India, Japan, Mexico, Russia, Sweden, The World’s Saddest Cuisines, Top 10 List, Ukraine, Wherein