Tag Archives: America

Strangest Beer Gimmicks: June 2016 Edition

“Guys.  It’s beer.  You’re overthinking it.”

~Brewers to their marketing departments

pizza beer

Beer pretty much sells itself.  The only reason no beer company has the tagline of “Drink This And You’ll Feel Good And The Rest Of Your High School Classmates Will Think You’re Totally Cool” is that society has too many lawyers, man.  Not surprisingly, then, beer is hugely popular, and with the current boon in craft breweries in America there has never been a better time to be a beer enthusiast.  However, this popularity also means a crowded marketplace.  Gone are the days where you can open up a brewery in your garage, make a decent IPA, and expect to watch your business soar because, guess what, there are 4,000 other breweries out there that just made an IPA that tastes just like yours.  You gotta sex it up to stand out.

Unfortunately, or fortunately for fans of weird beer news, this means that we are constantly being exposed to brewery gimmicks meant to drum up some free publicity by doing something “totally out there” to their beer.  It’s the reason why you can drink Pizza Beer, Donut beers, or beer brewed with bull testicles.

And so far, 2016 has seen this trend continue.  So we’re going to let you know about some of the more out there beers that have come out in the past 8 months or so, because we like to reward pure insanity from our breweries.

Strangest Beer Gimmicks:  June 2016 Edition

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Absurd American Superhero Movies That Were Actually Released

“*snorts the biggest line of cocaine* I’m sorry, what was that?  Sure, whatever, that sounds fine, here’s some money.”

~Hollywood Producers

green lantern

Comic book movies are such a cash cow right now in American culture that even movies that no one in their right mind would watch can get hundreds of million dollars thrown their way.  Oh, we see you noticed our Green Lantern picture right up there.  That’s, um, totally unrelated.  Anyway, the point being that even if a comic movie isn’t good, there’s at least the assumption that, yes, this movie has an audience, it makes sense to spend money on this.  That hasn’t always been the case, however.  Before Spider-Man came around to remind everyone that people happen to like movies about heroes (huh, weird) those devoted to putting superheroes behind camera were either people with a comic book and a laughably low budget, or people who, well, maybe didn’t know what they were doing.  The point is, outside of Superman, successful comic book movies weren’t a guaranteed slam dunk, which might help explain how some movies that managed to honest-to-God get released in America had story lines or plots that must have seemed like a bad idea when they were originally pitched, and an even worse idea when they were put on the big screen.  We’re here to talk about those movies.

Absurd American Superhero Movies That Were Actually Released

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The Inventor of Scrabble Was Actually Named Alfred Mosher Butts

“Wait.  His name was Alfred Mosher Butts?  Are you sure?  This wasn’t someone on staff fucking with Wikipedia again, was it?”

~AFFotD’s Fact Checking Team

alfred butts

We’ve all at one time or another played Scrabble—statistically, it’s in 1/3 of every American household, and 95% of every American grandparent household.  If you haven’t played it before, you’re probably not reading this article, due to your severe and truly heartbreaking illiteracy, but on the off chance that someone told you how to use those programs that read websites out loud for blind people, we’ll throw you a bone.  Scrabble is a classic American game where you form words on a grid to get points.  If you said, “Oh, just like Words With Friends?” hello readers who were born after 9/11.  But yes, it’s what Words With Friends ripped off.  It’s a simple, yet enjoyable, game that stupid people absolutely despise for obvious reasons.

But it is an American invention.  And not only that, it was invented by a man that we can’t believe isn’t better known in society.  Partly because he invented an iconic game enjoyed by millions, if not billions.  But also because his name was Alfred Mosher Butts!  We are children, but we don’t care, we will always find that funny.  So let’s talk about him!

The Inventor of Scrabble Was Actually Named Alfred Mosher Butts

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Do Not Call Budweiser “America” No Matter What The Can Tells You

“This election season, call Budweiser ‘America’

~No, We’re Not Going To Fucking Do That

 budweiser

Yesterday, Budweiser sent newsfeeds everywhere a-buzzing with the craaazy news that starting on May 23rd, all cans of Budweiser sold in the United States will instead say “America” in their iconic font.  Basically, you can “order an American” at the bar if you really want to see how many times your bartender can hear a person chortle at the same poorly formed semi-dad joke before they finally snap and burn the place to the fucking ground.  This is a bit of an extension of previous years when Budweiser changed their packaging in the summer to more patriotic can designs, but it’s the first time  they’ve actually removed their brand name to place the name of this great nation on it.  You would think we would be enthused by such raw support of all things American.

You would be wrong.

To address this, we will cede the floor to Johnny Roosevelt, the Editor-in-Chief of America Fun Fact of the Day, who last took the time to personally address you all last summer when he spent 2,500 words personally insulting a rich egomaniac with a history of assault and an extensive gun collection.  Surprisingly he’s still alive to let you know why Budweiser is wrong and bad for trying to get you to call it America.  Take it away, chief.

Johnny Roosevelt Speaks: Do Not Call Budweiser “America” No Matter What The Can Tells You

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The Most Absurd Change.org Petitions in America

“This Change.org petition is really gonna make a difference!”

~No, no it’s not

change

Change.org was founded in 2007 as a tool for people to advocate social causes.  It’s used by over 100 million people who either have signed petitions or created their own, and it serves as an interesting launching point for issues that might otherwise get drowned out.  It occasionally has caused a difference, most notably for its involvement in drawing national attention to the Trayvon Martin case, but mostly it’s used for what most things on the internet are used for.  Okay, well, not porn, though we probably just Rule 34ed some of that into existence just now.  No, it’s basically used for people to bitch and complain about something that annoys them.  That ranges from sensible, social concerns to petty, stupid issues.  But somewhere in between, something wonderful happens.  Craziness.

So we did some digging to find some of our favorite wtf Change.org petitions for your please.  All of these are 100% real and unedited.

The Most Absurd Change.org Petitions in America

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The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Iceland

“The horror. The fermented horror.”

~Tourists looking at a list of Icelandic dishes

hanging meats

Iceland is a country so far north that you basically never see the sunlight during their winters, which are only made somewhat tolerable, temperature wise, because when God made that island as somewhere no one would try to live he forgot about the volcanoes he accidentally put there.  When “well, the cold’s not so bad, thanks to the volcanoes” is something an entire nation can say, it’s probably not surprising that their culinary culture embraces “bad, depressing foods” that existed solely to make sure 300,000 or so crazy Norse people could muster up just enough energy not to starve or freeze.

Now, Iceland is a perfectly lovely country, and apparently is very beautiful to visit in the summer.  That being said, here’s what Icelandic people have to say about Icelandic winters.  Anyway, rich culture notwithstanding, we took a look at the kind of meals you can expect from traditional Icelandic cooking and discovered, well, that it’s going to be our next installment in our ongoing series, The World’s Saddest Cuisines.  So let’s dive in.

The World’s Saddest Cuisines:  Iceland

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The Most Terrifying Products Marketed For Lonely People

“OH GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE.”

~Single people

um wut

It can be rough out there for single Americans, to the point that you can pretty much will below-average R-rated comedies into existence just by giving it a name of “How to be Single.”  There are millions of Americans for whom the dating scene oscillates between shitty Tinder dates and long, depressing walks through parks that are impossibly filled with happy couples while “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head” plays from an unseen speaker system that somehow seems to be following you everywhere you go (it’s actually being played through an iPhone of a kid that their ex paid to follow them around to torment them because their ex is a goddamn monster).  For many in this position, it seems like every product on the market other than two buck Chuck and Sharper Image neck massagers are happy-couple focused items that just rub your singledom in your face.  Goddamn it, most couples don’t even want to buy a tandem bike, why are you putting out a full page ad for one in this week’s Maxim?

The point being, 50% of Americans are single, and those 50% are distributed between Americans in relationships, Americans who don’t want to settle down and want to “live the single life,” and Americans who feel, well, kind of lonely about their lack of a mate.  There’s also like, the five people who say they’re “single and ready to mingle” while doing that finger-guns thing, but there’s pending legislation going through the senate to ensure that those guys get their US citizenship removed.

But of those three groups of unmarried Americans, it’s, not surprisingly, the lonely people that can end up being a bit forgotten and left behind.  Sure, Buzzfeed is legally required to post a Liz-Lemon-gif-heavy article about “13 signs you’re an introvert” every month, but ever since Netflix got claimed by people using it to have sex, it’s hard for lonely people to find products and services that are really tailored for them.  Thankfully, entrepreneurs are starting to realize that there’s a huge untapped marketplace, filled with young, active Americans with gobs of disposable income not going towards Valentine’s Day gifts and wedding planning and *pauses and changes course once we notice that our single readers have begun sobbing*.  Unfortunately, most of these entrepreneurs are goddamn psychopaths, and their cure for loneliness is nightmare fuel.

The Most Terrifying Products Marketed For Lonely People

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The Worst Flavored Liquor Ideas

“Wait, I don’t understand.  It’s alcohol that I DON’T want inside me?”

~A Confused Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

 snake booze

In the past, we’ve written a fair amount on strange and disgusting vodkas as proof that not all American innovations in letting 17-year-olds get drunk on things that don’t taste like burning necessarily are winners.  But those are just vodkas with gross flavors.  A neutral spirit, flavored to taste like bubble gum or cactus or whatever the fuck isn’t nearly as novel as it was maybe eight years ago.  Now, that shit’s everywhere, and you don’t even blink at seeing fruit loops flavored vodka.

The perverse flavoring of other types of liquor, however, is uncharted territory.  And, considering how long we’ve had to figure out what kinds of liquor actually taste good (there’s a reason why soju is the largest selling alcohol in the world, but we have enough sense to make it next to impossible to find because soju is garbage) it’s probably not too surprising that in our quest to find new liquor ideas, we’ve stumbled across some terrifying misses.

These are those misses.

The Worst Flavored Liquor Ideas

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The Informative American Tours a Doll Factory (originally published April, 1956)

“NIGHTMARE FUEL.”

~Pictures of a doll factory

some fucking saw 3 shit right here

Recently, Mashable.com posted an article that said, simply, “Try to look at these photos of doll factories without screaming.”  We failed, miserably.  But once we drank enough whiskey to deaden the soul to the point of indifference towards all but the most tragic of human sufferings (on a normal day we reach that point by about 4PM) we realized that these pictures looked kind of familiar.  And sure enough, as we dug through the archives of our 1950’s horrible, sexist, no-good precursor, The Informative American, we saw that they had initially taken those photos, back in the 1950s!  Clearly it was a bit of a surprise, and since we already got drunk to get ourselves over the whole “terrifying baby dolls being assembled” thing we figured we’d re-post our original article for our modern readers.

Before we delve in, as it’s been a while since we’ve posted one of our The Informative American brochures, back in the 1950s this country, and AFFotD, were…very different.  The 1950s was a decade that raised an entire generation of people who could say, “Holy shit, I survived the 50s.”  This was a time where cigarettes were considered prenatal vitamins, where popular toys were “actual guns and throwing knives that can kill you.”  So, some of what you might read might be offensive or jarring to your modern eyes, to which we’d say you’ve been warned.

The Informative American Tours a Doll Factory (originally published April, 1956)

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The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Djibouti

“I mean, it’s not as bad as the Balkans, but that’s not saying much.”

~AFFotD’s World Food Critic

djibouti stew

We’ve talked a few times in the past about the culinary practices of other countries that we find to be, in a word, depressing as shit.  Okay, we used three words there, but two of them are superfluous because we dream of someday being paid to write by the word.  But the point stands—as great as America is at cramming delicious foods into our stomachs at alarming rates, or finding cheap ways to maintain our impressive obesity goals, there are maybe even dozens of other countries that exist outside of here.  We know, it’s shocking.  There might even be like, 30 other countries in the world for all we know.  And not all of them come blessed with a local cuisine that is worth being Americanized and turned into an award winning fusion restaurant in the States.  So for every Italy, we have an Armenia.  And we decided to start a series where we’d occasionally take the time to look at one of these lesser known national food styles and list off the dishes that are so sad they make us feel like holding a puppy until the world starts to make sense again.

Speaking of puppies…oh, no, thank God, this country doesn’t come anywhere close to eating puppies.  But they still have some food options that are extreme bummers.  Come with us on a boat or whatever to…

The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Djibouti

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