“How do you know what that is? Do you have a drinking problem?”
~Don’t judge me, OKAY!?
As Americans, it’s of utmost importance to know thine enemy. It’s why vegetarian groups have government lobbyists, why sports coaches watch game tape, and why we have soldiers who speak Arabic. If something is going to take you down, you want to stare it straight in the eyes and say, “I know what you’re doing, motherfucker.”
If Amy Winehouse’s death taught us anything, it’s that alcohol is the only thing standing between you and the spindly grasp of the grim reaper. It also helped show us what the most dangerous menace to American life is. That’s right, we’re talking about Delirium Tremens, which is the result of severe alcohol withdrawal that is 35% fatal if untreated. It also has caused many uncomfortable family dinners for AFFotD staff members who like to make snide remarks while cracking open the first beer of the night, and who subsequently have to explain what they mean when they say they’re “warding off the DTs.”
It also happens to be the name of a beer that is 9% alcohol per volume. Which uses a pink elephant as a mascot, which in no way is a reference to the fact that a symptom of DTing is hallucinations.
Delirium Tremens is a deadly serious symptom of extreme alcohol withdrawal. It is incredibly dangerous and severe. Despite this, every colloquialism used to describe it (apart from the DTs) is surprisingly glib, since it’s known as “the shakes,” “jazz hands,” “giving the invisible man a handshake,” and “oh what’s that, does baby want its widdle bottle?” Only one of those terms was made up as a joke.
The main problem with Delirium Tremens is that most Americans don’t know what it is, even though it is a scientific fact that every American that doesn’t live in the state of Utah will start to get the shakes if they go eight waking hours without alcohol. That’s just basic fact. It’s seen in numerous American works of entertainment and culture, ranging from Jack Kerouac to Nic Cage during the brief window that he was a good actor.
America’s daily routine
So keep that in mind, America. Avoid the shakes, or the googly eyes, or whatever ridiculous name they want to call it, and never stop drinking. America depends on you.*
*AFFotD is not responsible for any alcohol related illnesses caused by taking this advice.