~The American Liquor industry
Every once and a while, strangers go up to us on the street and say, “Goddamn it AFFotD, I can’t believe you let your news editor befoul our daughter, I’ll kill the bastard if’n I ever lay eyes on him again,” and after we wrestle them to the ground and get their daughters contact information and age (phew, 18) they eventually, in tears, ask us why we seem to hate President Carter so much.
Is it the award he got for letting Iran misuse nuclear technology? That didn’t help things, but no. Was it the fact that he builds houses for the poor? Weirdly enough we actually have a problem with that, but no that’s not it. No we hate Carter because he is largely responsible for the fact that it’s no longer considered “acceptable” to have a three-martini lunch at work anymore. That tells you how Un-American Jimmy Carter was while also serving as a convenient enough segue to our more important topic.
Martinis. Invented by Americans, made by Americans, used by James Bond to sleep with American women, the Martini is the classiest way to say, “Hi, I am an individual of refined tastes, and if you approached me at this bar I very possibly will sleep with you” without sitting at a bar holding onto a string of condoms. So with that in mind, let’s raise our cocktail glass to…
The Martini: America’s Classiest Alcohol Delivery System