“Fortune Magazine. Fortune. Fucking. Magazine.”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
Over the past two July Fourths, AFFotD has noticed that Fortune has posted lists of “100 Great Things About America.” While we’re not initially going to question why a financial blog affiliate of CNN would want to tell us great things about America, when we saw the items they chose to point out, and the rankings given to them, our staff collectively got what is colloquially referred to as a “Rage Boner.”
This year’s list was no different. While there were more implied references to, say, boobs, there were also…ugh, nature. And science. It makes us, just, so angry you guys. So once again, it’s time to tear into the so-called “American experts” at Fortune, who should really stop embarrassing themselves and just outsource the article to us every year.
“They’re back. Trying to tell us what’s American. I knew this day would someday come.”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
Early this year, we brought to your attention a terrifying article from Fortune magazine that literally made us angry with rage. This “article” tried to inform us what they believed to be the 100 most “American” things out there. Of course, this largely involved nature and saluting alcohol containers that don’t’ have alcohol in them, which made us spew such vile and vitriol towards this corporation that they’ve yet to recover (we can only assume).
So while we were going through our lengthy (lengthy) enemies list, we found that Fortune had not only survived our horrendous literary assault (we literally said that they were not American enough to drink whiskey) but they had the audacity to try to submit another “100 great things in America” list.
We know what you’re thinking. “Oh shit, it’s on.” But before you let your righteous blood lust get the best of you… they actually did a much better job of it this time. They sort of explained their lack of great historical figures (they’re not putting dead people in there, though somewhat ironically they put Steve Jobs in the top 20. Hi-yo!) and they managed to put Pappy Van Winkle bourbon in the top 20. In fact, most of this list is pretty damn spot on, especially the top 10 which has 9 very solidly American items listed. It’s really refreshing to see someone see your critiques of their assessment of America and really work on correcting it.
That said, we’re a petty bunch, so we’re going to nitpick the shit out of this list, and just crush the 20% of list items that we disagree with.
AFFotD snark team, assemble!
“If you make fun of my spot on this list (#92) I will use my substantial power and animal-as-toilet-paper fetishes to destroy your feeble website”
Duly noted, Zuckerberg.