“While other phrases like ‘Mummy Roosevelt’ or ‘Scarecrow Lincoln’ are certainly in play, ‘Zombie Washington’ likely remains the best combination of words in the English Language.”
~The Oxford Dictionary People
Zombies are scientifically the most American monsters out there. Think about it. Werewolves have been phoned in by Benicio Del Toro, certain Vampires fucking glitter, and IRS agents aren’t even given handguns for their job anymore. Yes, Zombies walk this world, and this fine nation, with a singular purpose. Consumerist metaphor Brains. Delicious brains.
But what would have happened if we had taken one of our nation’s founders, and greatest laser-vision-having hero, and zombified the shit out of him? Well, it almost happened, as we recently learned on this io9 article. So sit back, gentle Americans, and prepare yourselves for…
Zombie Washington Prefers British Brains
When George Washington died in 1799, it can largely be attributed to a combination of riding around in cold, wet weather and mainly his doctors being grossly incompetent. Since apparently bleeding Washington dry wasn’t the best way to cure him, the nation ended up with a dead founding father.
The appropriate deference was paid by most of the world. Americans wore mourning clothes for months. Even France manned up, with Napoleon ordering ten days of mourning throughout the nation. Of course, one man responded to Washington’s death with less of an “I will accept and deal with my grief” mindset and with more of a “I once saw an episode of The Six Million Dollar Man” mindset. This man was William Thornton, the designer of the United States Capitol, who absolutely had the crazy eyes.
The eyes. They’re crazy.
George Washington did not want to be buried alive because, Jesus Christ, 18th century medicine was so bad that being buried alive was a legitimate concern at the time? Christ. So, much like a nice bottle of champagne, he was put on ice for three days before actually being buried because, again, Jesus Christ the 18th century was terrifying.
That’s when Thornton visited the corpse and told the Washington family, “You know, I might be able to Frankenstein the shit out of this dude.”
So he came up with a plan, and like all the best plans in America, it was crazy, probably wouldn’t have worked, and if it had worked, it would have doomed us all. To quote directly from William Thornton’s account-
“I proposed to attempt his restoration, in the following manner. First to thaw him in cold water, then to lay him in blankets, and by degrees and by friction to give him warmth, and to put into activity the minute blood vessels, at the same time to open a passage to the lungs by the trachea, and to inflame them with air, to produce an artificial respiration, and to transfuse blood into him from a lamb.”
We’ll let you read over that a few times. We know it’s jarring with so many commas. And so much crazy. To fully let it sink in, here’s a picture of a lamb.
“Why you gonna play me like that, Willy?”
So yeah, basically Thornton wanted to take an icicle George Washington, thaw him down (like a steak!), stab him in the throat (like…a steak?) and then force air into his lungs before injecting him with lambs blood (like a steak cooked by David Lynch?)
Why would he do this? Because he was fucking crazy, of course. But also because apparently there was a school of thought (by crazy people) that lambs blood had special properties, and could have potentially given Washington a “spark of vitality” (because the term “brain dead” apparently didn’t exist back in the 1700’s). And hey, we’re not going to judge you if you want to give a corpse hepatitis for no reason, but we’re sort of glad that Washington’s family ultimately decided to pass on Thornton’s plan because they wanted Washington to “rest in peace” and “Jesus Christ, are you fucking serious, no, you’re not cutting into his throat and filling him with lambs blood, I can’t believe we actually had to say that sentence out loud.”
Besides, what’s the point of a Zombie Washington without Zombie Lincoln, Zombie Ben Franklin, Zombie Teddy Roosevelt, et al?
So ultimately the plans for a Zombie Washington were stopped before they could begin. We have to say, we’re a little conflicted. On one hand, such blatant disregard for science or common sense is thoroughly American. But on the other hand, a Zombie Washington would likely have killed the ancestors of many future glorious Americans in his ensuing rampage. Though we suspect that the War of 1812 would have been far easier with Zombie Washington roaming the battle field.
Actually scratch that. Let’s see if we can re-animate some Zombie Washington, we just need to unleash him in some hostile territories and have him go all Rambo for us.
Yup. “Zombie Washington Rambo.” We’re pretty sure we just broke the internet. You’re welcome.
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