“I’m not saying I am clearly a hit with the ladies, but…*points*”
George Washington was part warlock, part astronaut, and 100% American badass. His laser vision often destroyed waves upon waves of British soldiers, and his laser foresight vision helped blast a searing hole of plasma into the future to ensure that America could grow and become the country we know and love today. So it comes as little surprise that in 1832, after much hemming and hawing among baffling political parties who were “Anti-Washington,” our fine nation decided to commemorate the memory of one of our greatest founding fathers with a National monument in the form of the world’s largest penis obelisk penis.
This is the story of that giant erect phallus.
The Washington Monument probably doesn’t look like George Washington in any way imaginable, but then again Martha Washington is long dead so she can’t vouch for it. Made out of marble, granite, and sandstone, with an aluminum tip as a lightning rod (laaaaadies), the Washington Monument was the largest building in the world upon completion (until those damn dirty Frenchies took that title with their bullshit tower). Still, at 555 feet and 5.5 inches, it remains the largest 100% stone structure in the word.
The Washington Monument is so impressive that porn stars list it on their myspace pages under “RIYL.” (we’ll give you a second) (still nothing?) (okay, fine, here’s a link explaining that joke. Goddamn it.) It remains the largest building in Washington D.C., to which George Washington himself would probably have responded, “ha, yeah it is.”
This is pretty much all going to be dick jokes, if you couldn’t tell so far. Maybe a little bit of information. But we at AFFotD just want to level with you. Buncha dick jokes.
The Washington Monument took a surprisingly long (heh) time to be built, with construction (…is that one?) beginning (ha, yeah it is) in 1848, but it was not completed until 1884. Production was largely delayed due to the scale of the construction, the Civil War, and for one brief but colorful time, the co-option of the building committee by the Know-Nothing Party, a party that goes down in history for having the least boastful name in political party history, as well as for being the political party of Bill the Butcher from Gangs of the New York.
“He’s got MY vote. Sorry, I meant to say he’s got my THROAT. Please, someone, help me, I don’t want to die like this.”
The original plan for a Washington Monument would be to create a giant tomb in the capital, which unfortunately failed to pass because Washington’s family were a bit nervous about the idea of moving the great leader’s corpse (g-g-g-g-ghosts!). Eventually, on the 100th anniversary of Washington’s birth, enough funds were gathered to begin designing a monument that added a large ornate base to the obelisk, most likely after an architect won a “who can make this look more like a humongous dong” competition.
And we’ll put a lush series of shrubs and ivy to liven up the columns…
From that point on, construction was very hard (yeah it was), and as they tried to erect it (swish!) they had many delays thrust upon them (had to), to the point that the top half of the monument is a different color than the base, due to construction being halted during the Civil War (uh…you…you might want to have a doctor look at that…)
The Washington Monument cost over one million dollars in old timey money, so it was quite an undertaking. Many complications arose (we bet they did), especially in regards to the procurement of stone blocks for construction. Many groups donated blocks, but decided to make inscriptions on them that others disagreed with. The Know-Nothing party in particular took umbrage (yeah they…oh right, that’s not an entendre…)with the fact that a block donated by Pope Pious IX, but of course the most offensive of all was from the Temperance League, and stated, “We will not buy, sell, or use a beverage, any spirituous or male liquors, Wine, Cider, or any other Alcoholic Beverage.” The appropriate response to receiving that brick would have been to kick the man responsible for engraving the stone square in the testicles, instead construction was halted by congress, likely for fear that America would collapse into a black hole if we ever put any of that pain in the ass temperance movement bullshit on the cock monument of our nation’s first president.
As time went by, the marble took on a bluish hue, and many wondered aloud, “Is it done yet?” (yeah they did)
Finally, the Monument began to gain momentum after the end of the Civil War, and when it was completed in 1884, thrusting into the heavens, we could all look on and be proud to be Americans. A few may or may not have exclaimed, “dayumn, son…”
Because, we don’t mean to brag but…yeah. That’s America.
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