Tag Archives: Metro

Wherein AFFotD Uses a Glib and Fluffy Metro Article as an Excuse to Rage Against Those Supposed Americans Who Do Not Consume Meat

“I’m insufferable already.”

~Metro Writer Mandy Mazliah

ground up hot dogs

Apparently, for some god awful reason, October 1st is considered World Vegetarian Day, and the month of October is Vegetarian Awareness Month, which apparently is not like Breast Cancer Awareness Month since they aren’t trying to cure vegetarians of their affliction.  Anyway, in honor of that decision to “celebrate” vegetarians right as the weather starts to get depressing (which makes sense, considering) the Metro, a UK…thing, decided to post a little fun article of “15 things that only vegetarians understand.”

Now, we have a long-standing history of not liking vegetarians, and vegetarians have a long-standing history of really not liking us, and we’re juuuust fine with that arrangement.  We’re firmly in belief that the best things in America involve killing a creature unfortunate enough to have been born beneath us on the food chain, and if Buddhism turns out to be the one true religion, those animals were probably massive dicks in past lives anyway.  You can show us all the horrific videos of animal slaughter you want, we don’t give a shit.  Meat is delicious, and we don’t want to be hyperbolic about it so we’ll just say “every single vegetarian deserves to have their houses set on fire” and leave it at that.  Some of you bleeding hearts out there might say, “Jesus Christ, that’s such a hateful overreaction” and it totally is, but it’s warranted, because despite the fact that it touches on our day-to-day lives in roughly zero ways, we view being openly vegetarian about as negatively as being openly communist.

That’s right.  If you are a vegetarian and you somehow got through our firewall intended to only let meat eaters through and as such are now reading this, well, you are a communist.

Anyway, let’s go through the points made in this article.

Wherein AFFotD Uses a Glib and Fluffy Metro Article as an Excuse to Rage Against Those Supposed Americans Who Do Not Consume Meat

 vegetarians in motion

Picture selected entirely because it kind of looks like he’s holding a massive orange dick.

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Wherein AFFotD Scoffs at the Attempts of British Tabloids to Critique America’s Culinary Practices

“Guys, we need to be better.  We need to do better.  We should have jumped on these limey bastards the moment this garbage was published!  I know it was around the Fourth of the July, and I know we spent the next three months blackout drunk, NO EXCUSES!”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

 union jack

Listen here, faithful readers.  When we started this website, we had one very important goal—find a way to get free alcohol sent us to while breaking a few financial laws by listing ourselves as a tax-exempt non-profit.  But once you make a name for yourself, and it’s all, “Oh, Johnny Roosevelt, start a newsletter” this and “you know the internet is a thing now, people need to hear from you” that, and we have to deal with mission statements and being sober enough to press a button that says “Publish.”  It’s all very hard work, and we blame our Editor-in-Chief—we wouldn’t even exist today if he hadn’t stuck his nose where it didn’t belong.

watergate johnny roosevelt

Um, if anyone asks, we were, uh…doing some undercover investigations.  Yeah.  That’s it.

We mention this because, lately, we’ve been focusing a lot on “this alcohol is crazy” or “woahhh easy there, M&M flavors!” but we’ve been ignoring one of our founding principles.  Making fun of foreigners.  And in these increasingly divisive times, shouldn’t we be focusing less on what makes all of us different, and focusing more on making fun of what makes people in like, goddamn Europe different?  Have you ever seen lederhosen?  Ridiculous!

And while we were examining our past with an eye fixed firmly on the future (read as—a night where you sorta end up in one of those melancholy drunk moods) we stumbled across this little article from the British tabloid/reason-for-hundreds-of-lies-your-facebook-feed-has-told-you, Metro.  The article in question?

metro title

Oh you cheeky buggers.  Wait, no, that’s the quaint British way of saying what we really think.  Let’s Americanize up our reaction to this article just a tad.

You motherfucking sons of cockrashes.

There we go.  That’s much better.  Anyway, it’s been a while, so time to take apart this argument, one by one.  Because, Jesus, if we wanted to take food advice from the Brits, we don’t have a way to finish that analogy because no one in the history of cuisine, since the dawn of man where we as a species realized that cooking food makes it less likely to carry disease, has anyone ever wanted to take food advice from the Brits.

gordon fucking ramsey

Well, sure, okay, but yelling doesn’t count as advice.

Anyway, let’s take this article to pieces.

Wherein AFFotD Scoffs at the Attempts of British Tabloids to Critique America’s Culinary Practices

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