“Guys, we need to be better. We need to do better. We should have jumped on these limey bastards the moment this garbage was published! I know it was around the Fourth of the July, and I know we spent the next three months blackout drunk, NO EXCUSES!”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
Listen here, faithful readers. When we started this website, we had one very important goal—find a way to get free alcohol sent us to while breaking a few financial laws by listing ourselves as a tax-exempt non-profit. But once you make a name for yourself, and it’s all, “Oh, Johnny Roosevelt, start a newsletter” this and “you know the internet is a thing now, people need to hear from you” that, and we have to deal with mission statements and being sober enough to press a button that says “Publish.” It’s all very hard work, and we blame our Editor-in-Chief—we wouldn’t even exist today if he hadn’t stuck his nose where it didn’t belong.
Um, if anyone asks, we were, uh…doing some undercover investigations. Yeah. That’s it.
We mention this because, lately, we’ve been focusing a lot on “this alcohol is crazy” or “woahhh easy there, M&M flavors!” but we’ve been ignoring one of our founding principles. Making fun of foreigners. And in these increasingly divisive times, shouldn’t we be focusing less on what makes all of us different, and focusing more on making fun of what makes people in like, goddamn Europe different? Have you ever seen lederhosen? Ridiculous!
And while we were examining our past with an eye fixed firmly on the future (read as—a night where you sorta end up in one of those melancholy drunk moods) we stumbled across this little article from the British tabloid/reason-for-hundreds-of-lies-your-facebook-feed-has-told-you, Metro. The article in question?
Oh you cheeky buggers. Wait, no, that’s the quaint British way of saying what we really think. Let’s Americanize up our reaction to this article just a tad.
You motherfucking sons of cockrashes.
There we go. That’s much better. Anyway, it’s been a while, so time to take apart this argument, one by one. Because, Jesus, if we wanted to take food advice from the Brits, we don’t have a way to finish that analogy because no one in the history of cuisine, since the dawn of man where we as a species realized that cooking food makes it less likely to carry disease, has anyone ever wanted to take food advice from the Brits.
Well, sure, okay, but yelling doesn’t count as advice.
Anyway, let’s take this article to pieces.
Wherein AFFotD Scoffs at the Attempts of British Tabloids to Critique America’s Culinary Practices