Appendectomies, the American Surgery

“I got this cool scar, AND I get to miss a week of school.”

~Oh, no one you’ve heard of.  Just Bart Motherfucking Simpson


Everyone is born with extra parts added to their body.  Americans have a secondary liver that primarily filters out bourbon and whiskey.  Canadians have a gland that makes their names legally have to be “Rupert.”  French people are born with tails.  Many of these extra, generally nation-specific, extra pieces have their value (Canadians like the name “Rupert” as it is bland and unthreatening, American’s need to get drunk more, and it’s always good to be reminded that French people are rats).  But every once in a while, humans are born with pointless junk that we just don’t need.  Wisdom teeth, nose hair, elbows, all of these just get in the way of important things like eating, smelling, and rolling down hills.

“DAMN YOU EVOLUTION!”

Of all these useless digits and doo-dads, there is one particular component that actually depletes your Americanness, and as a result it’s gotta be scooped out of your body.  That would be the appendix, which seeps miniscule amounts of Anti-America that, when you become American enough, will cause a pain in your side.  This is called “Appendicitis” which of course is latin for “This is America dammit, GET OUTTA MY BODY YOU DAMN FOREIGNERS.”  At that point doctors have to come by to snip the bastard out there.  Most patients, upon receiving an appendectomy, find that their sense of America goes up roughly 15%.  Taking out your appendicitis is literally the most American thing you can do to your body next to getting an American flag tattooed to your fucking face.

“I…I have buyer’s remorse.”

So without further ado, we at AFFotD are here to look into the American benefits of Appendectomies.

Pictured above:  Appendectomy.

We’re going to go right out there and say it- Appendixes are stupid.  Not only is it a word to describe stuff in books (gasp!) but it’s a totally pointless little nodule that branches off your digestive system, and just tries to get in the way of shit (ha).  If you had to describe Appendixes as a flavor, it would be drinking orange juice riiiight after eating a whole bag of black liquorish.  Appendixes are to America are what not-whiskey is to whiskey.  With evidence so daunting, it’s no wonder that all of Bart Simpson’s class elected to get their appendixes taken out.

“Eww, you still HAVE your appendix?  Go back to Russia, comrade.”

After having an Appendectomy, Americans may feel a general fatigue.  This fatigue is in fact just a rush of America flooding your veins, and your body is adjusting to the large increase in Freedom, Hamburgers, and Monster Truck Rallies that are suddenly occurring in your blood stream.

Pictured above:  Appendectomy

Cutting out your Appendix is a lot like setting fire to a guitar mid-solo.  It’s badass, and there’s absolutely no possible negative outcome.

Pictured above:  Appendectomy

Appendixes are for chumps and communists.  If an Appendix was a person, it’d be the kind of person that turns down baseball box seats because they got tickets for the ballet.  You know how sometimes you do a load of laundry, and you’re stuck with like three socks that don’t match?  Appendixes are to blame for that.  That is why every American who has an Appendectomy, upon recovery, is able to win a boxing match against a kangaroo.

Pictured above:  Appendectomy

So today’s America Fun Fact of the Day is dedicated to those Americans who had their Appendix removed on June 24th, 2011, a seemingly arbitrary day several weeks ago which scientifically is the most American day to have your Appendix removed.  Here’s a picture of two cats fighting with light sabers.

Pictured above:  Appendectomy

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2 responses to “Appendectomies, the American Surgery

  1. I’m sure Charlie is honored!

  2. Yeah! Screw you appendix!

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