Category Archives: Alcohol, Giver of Life

Alcohol is soooo delicious.

“How delicious is it?”

Shut the fuck up, we’re drinking here.

America’s Strangest Alcohol-Infused Food Items

“Oh you son of a bitch.”

~Teetotalers We’ve Tricked Into Eating Alcoholic Food

beer chicken

Around these parts, our staff has a potentially unhealthy infatuation with combining two of the most American forms of consumption—eating and drinking—into inventive ways to get drunk without even having to drink anything.  Why do we want to take drinking out of the equation?  We don’t, drinking is wonderful, but we feel that there’s no such thing as too many ways to cram alcohol into your poor decisions, which is why we’re always around to champion such innovations as deep fried alcohol, and also why we’re going to try to be the first people to get hospitalized by eating that new powdered alcohol stuff straight from the box, just the powder.

Now, we’ve previously talked about food being used to make alcohol—specifically, meat beers that are brewed with actual animal meat, because ha ha vegetarians your lifestyle is one that our evolution has actively discouraged.  Now it’s only fitting to go the other direction, and talk about alcohol being used to make food.  All of these meals and desserts exist in America for your consumption, created by heroes who looked at a dinner plate and thought, “You know what?  Let’s get drunk off that, no matter how weird of an idea it might seem.”

America’s Strangest Alcohol-Infused Food Items

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AFFotD News Item of the Month: Bud Light Mixxtail Cocktails

“Forsake your God, because all that lies herein is death and fire and petulance, and none can save you, none shall live.”

~Official Budweiser Press Release

 mixxtail

Listen, America, this shit is important.  You need to start ignoring Budweiser.  We’re already on the way to phasing out Budweiser, with 44% of drinkers aged 21 to 27 having never had a Bud in their wonderfully enriched lives, but we’re getting to the point where Budweiser is going to do its best to get your attention, and you mustn’t let it.  Much like a misbehaving child or, more accurately, an emotionally unstable ex who keeps sending you messages no matter what you do, Budweiser is going to get more and more loud with their terrible, awful beerness before they start to fade away.  It’s going to take a long time, but we have to do whatever we can to ignore Budweiser’s “U Out?  I’m not wareing undrware ;P” texts while we can, because the company has clearly gone insane and there’s no sign of them letting up for now, and our only course of action is to close our eyes and hope they go away.

In 2011, Anheuser-Busch purchased Goose Island in their attempt to corner a market that saw more and more Americans shunning Budweiser for beer that, you know, tastes good.  The following year, they brought forth Bud Light Platinum, which you might know as “why does my beer taste like someone drizzled like, three sips worth of vodka in here?”  2012 also saw the creation of the Lime-a-Rita, which is a great way for people who don’t like alcohol to remind themselves that they really need to sit down and reevaluate their lives.

lime a rita

“I like it because it’s fruity, but it still can get you drunk, and oh God how did I end up passed out in a Walmart?”

Lately, Budweiser has been playing the role of the petulant child, spending millions of dollars to shout at Americans for “tasting” their beer instead of “drinking it” during the Super Bowl which, frankly, sounds like the kind of thing you’d hear Joe Rogan say as encouragement to a contestant of Fear Factor during the gross-out food part of the show. “Don’t taste it!  Just eat it!  If you manage not to puke you go on to the next round!”

Which brings us to the latest shout of “Mommy mommy look what I can do” that is set to be released on February 16th (oh darn, it’ll just miss Valentine’s Day, huh?) and also our latest totally-not-monthly installment of…

AFFotD News Item of the Month: Bud Light Mixxtail Cocktails

mixxxtaillll

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The 6 Most Expensive American-Brewed Beers

“Oh, that seems a fair price for such a delicious…*chugs entire bottle* *runs the fuck out*”

~AFFotD staffer when presented with one of America’s most expensive beers

 fancy beer

The 21st century is a great time to like beer.  While America spent the 1970s thinking that managing to score a case of Coors was something to actually be excited about, and we had to blindly choose between “Bud” or “Miller” at most bars before deciding, “Fuck that, I’ll just chug some Listerine instead, it’ll get more drunk and tastes a little better” we now live in a nation where there are enough distinct and delicious varieties of beer that even people who swear they “hate beer” can find a style they love.

Now, much like there are still people who believe that the Earth if flat, or that Little Fockers is the best movie Ben Stiller has ever made, some drinkers hopelessly cling to Budweiser and Miller as “what a real beer tastes like!”  If you dare to point out that Budweiser tastes like someone put a handful of straw in a wet sock that they poured a bottle of tonic water in, they’ll ball up their fists and shout, “I like this beer ‘cause it’s cheap!  It’s refreshing when you make it cold enough that you can’t taste it that well!  Something negative about IPAs!”

While we might be being harsh in saying that these people are troglodytes, we do know that they just Googled the word “troglodyte” and said, “Hey, fuck you too assholes!” to their screen as if we can hear them (we cannot).

budweiser commercial

We love it when beer commercials make our point for us.

However, the main point that people who defend inferior beer (“mer mer that’s elitist I like my beer cold and my mer mer mer”) make is that Budweiser, Miller, and Coors are all, well, very cheap.  Granted, there are cheaper beers out there that taste better, but that’s not saying much—you can have a very basic, cheap lager that will do the job to get you drunk, and people can rightfully point out that a twelve pack of cheap shitty beer costs about the same as a six pack of okay craft beer.  We don’t dispute this, but we should point out that the shitty beer tends to be about 4% alcohol per volume, while you can get that okay craft beer at around 8% or 9%, meaning you’ll get drunker faster on better beer, so why the hell are you so desperately clinging to your macrobrew?

That being said, the boon of microbrewing and homebrewing in America means that now, more than ever before, we’ve had an almost infinite options of great beer at our disposal.  Unfortunately, with that boon in popularity comes gimmicks, and one of those gimmicks involves limited release beers that cost you more than you can really justify spending on a beer.  These are beers that cost $50 or more, and even at that price, require you wait in line and fight off hundreds of other craft beer nerds, desperate to taste a forbidden fruit that really probably tastes about as good as a $10 beer of comparable quality.

So we’re going to throw a bone to those of you reading this shouting (again, we can’t hear you) “Fancy beers are for sissies!  They cost too much!  I like Coors Light and being punched in the dick, you know, manly drinks!” by addressing the one negative side effect of the craft beer boon.  Obnoxiously expensive beers.  And so, we present to you…

The 6 Most Expensive American-Brewed Beers

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America’s Most Searched Beers of 2014 (A Guide On Doing Better Next Time, Goddamn It)

“Mer mer mer I like Budweiser you’re just a hater a nice cold Bud mer mer nothing beats it I don’t like IPAs because mer mer mer I own an above ground pool and I spent more money on my lawn mower than my car shut up COORS RULESSSSS.”

~Angry commentators at the bottom of this page

Bud Light- the worst

As 2015 looms over us sinisterly, waiting for the right time to murder 2014 forever, our news feeds and Google streams become flooded with year-end lists.  The year’s best movie, best album, best TV show, best whatever, we have hundreds of opinion-stated-as-fact year-end lists published each year, and while we don’t tend to indulge in that kind of nostalgia here in the affotd offices, we are at least aware of the phenomenon.

Now, while we question the authenticity of a “best of 2014” or “worst of 2014” list, because year end opinions are like assholes- we only listen to the first half of similes.  However, one type of list that has come into increasing popularity in the internet age does have some merit.  Year end lists that tell you “the most searched items of the year” are great for lazy writers, but they also manage to express something tangible about the previous year.

These aren’t the random musings of some asshole bloggers (hi there, glad you made it to our site, by the way), they are hard facts, data points that let us know what everyone in the nation is thinking about.  When you see a “the ten most searched celebrity names” you invariably say to yourself, “Yes, we get it, Kim Kardashian broke the internet, we honestly don’t give a shit” while also admitting that it helps inform what’s most popular over a given period of time.  There has to be some scientific value in that.

So when we saw the list of the most searched beers in America, we had a moment where we lost our composure.  Now granted, the only searching for a beer that we do is blindly fumbling in our fridge for something that’s cold so we can make the shakes go away, and the only Google we use for that is the name of the hook we have to replace our left hand after the doctors took it on account of the diabetes.  But it was disheartening to see how…well, bad the vast majority of these beers were.

America.  We need to talk.  Let’s go over this list, and have a frank discussion about where you disappointed us.

America’s Most Searched Beers of 2014 (A Guide On Doing Better Next Time, Goddamn It)

friends dont let friends drink bad beer

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Get Your Hands Off My Bottle: A Short History of the Whiskey Rebellion

“Do.  Not.  Fuck.  With.  Our.  Whiskey.”

~18th Century Americans/19th Century Americans/20th Century Americans/You Get The Gist

whiskey rebellion

America was founded under a few core principles.  Now, it’s been a while since we’ve skimmed through the Declaration of Independence, and if you put a gun to our head we’d still not be able to tell you what the Third Amendment of the Constitution does, but we’re pretty sure America is all about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness through the imbibement of alcohol.  Nope, that’s right, we nailed it on the first try, don’t even try to ask Google if that’s right they’ll just steal your cookies and put them on boat servers and sell them to Nigerian Princes (besides being keen historians, we’re also internet experts).

We bring this up because we’d like to tell you about a very important history tale, from America’s distant past.  Imagine, if you will, a time when America’s very existence could be threatened by even the smallest of threats.  Picture a government trying to tax our booze to pay for war debts.  And imagine people rising up and saying, “Get your hands off our fucking booze” with enough anger and violence that it marks the only time that an acting President led troops to battle.

Yes, that’s right, we’re here to talk about the Whiskey Rebellion, the relatively minor yet strangely important hiccup in American history that, naturally, was centered around our nation’s love of alcohol.

Get Your Hands Off My Bottle:  A Short History of the Whiskey Rebellion

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The 10 Greatest Drinkers in American History

“Wait, if I’m not on this list, then it’s clearly bullshit.”

~Every AFFotD staff member

Oliver Reed, September 1979.

Alcohol is a lot like sex—90% of the population really enjoys it, and they’re all kinda made uncomfortable by the 10% that doesn’t.  We at America Fun Fact of the Day make it our mission to celebrate alcohol and the Americans who drink it.  For example, everyone reading this has consumed alcohol at some point within the past week—we managed to make a teetotaler firewall that automatically directs people that don’t drink to the google image results page for the search “third degree burn + penis.”

We of course celebrate alcohol in its many incarnations here, as well as the great consumers of alcohol.  Naturally, America is a great nation of great drinkers, and trying to find, say, the ten best drinkers in American history would be a foolish act of hubris, almost offensive to the very same Americans you are attempting to tribute.  So let’s list the ten greatest drinkers in American history.

The 10 Greatest Drinkers in American History

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Five Vibrant, Original (Horrific) Summer Cocktails!

“Listen, we’re not going to interrupt our perfectly drunk barbeque to post some damn article.  Have [REDACTED] write about, oh, let’s say, summer cocktails.  People love that shit right?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

cocktail

Summer has arrived, that time of year to sip some cold beer on your lawn while the men don their grilling aprons, the women don their short shorts and tube tops, and dad’s everywhere nudge their sons when someone wearing short shorts and a tube top walks by their grill.  It’s also a time for drinking alcoholic beverages outside the normal realm of your beer, wine, or whiskeys.  It’s a time where you can order your piña colada or your mai tai and no one can judge you.  And for the majority of us who had to weather the polar vortexes of 2014 (*glares jealously at Florida and Southern California*) we have truly earned every fruity, refreshing summer cocktail we can get our hands on.

That even applies to[REDACTED].  For those of our readers who might not remember, [REDACTED] is our investigative journalist who has gone insane, and as such now is forced to live out of our office’s utility closet until we can figure out a humane way to deal with him.  Until then, we give him the occasional article to write, which often involves us making him watch awful rap videos and describing them to you.  He’s normally drunk by the time we get him to do any writing for us, which frankly astonishes us because we have gone through very exhaustive efforts to make sure he has no alcohol or caustic materials within reach, yet somehow he’s, just, perennially drunk, like one of those people with gut fermentation syndrome who gets drunk they consume sugars or carbohydrates.

Anyway, we decided we were going to write about summer cocktails, because everyone loves writing about summer cocktails and it’s the kind of fluff piece that everyone and your mother (especially your mother) likes to post on their Facebook timelines.  Now admittedly, we failed to realize that, without any proper alcohol or mixers, the results might not exactly be appealing, but here’s the five cocktails that [REDACTED] came up with.

Five Vibrant, Original (Horrific) Summer Cocktails!

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The 10 Most Expensive Whiskeys in the World

“Hmm, I could buy one bottle of whiskey, or, OR, I could get drunk every day, for my whole life, on very good whiskey, and still not pay that much.  Decisions, decisions.”

~Practical American Booze Shoppers

 glengoyne

When we set out to bring you the closest thing to a comprehensive list of the world’s most expensive whiskeys that a writing staff of buzzed and lightly drunk gluttons could put together, we didn’t know what to expect.  We’ve covered the most expensive versions of various items here before, from pizza and hamburgers to yachts to even vodka, and as much as we wholeheartedly endorse waste and greed, we can’t ever get past the whole “if you can buy a thousand bottles of liquor for the price of one stupid status symbol, why not just go for bulk instead” mindset of things.  Our view on excess generally boils down to the following—take a hundred pounds of butter and carve it into a cow?  You keep doing you, you glorious American bastard.  But spend $10,000 on a single bottle of alcohol?  Is that really better than, say, 300 bottle of Woodford Reserve?

With that caveat in mind, we were (somewhat) pleasantly surprised to see that none of the entries of most expensive whiskeys come from the United States.  Sure, 99 times out of 100, when we see someone doing something better than America we start frothing at the mouth while demanding an immediate arms race, economy be damned, but in this instance, we’re happy to cede the title to the Scots, especially since, if you’re patient and really looking to flex your alcohol spending powers, $200 and knowing the right people can get most Americans the best whiskey in the world.

With that in mind, it’s time to delve into the world’s most expensive whiskeys.  We can guarantee you will never have the opportunity to take even a sip of any of these, so it’s best to just tell yourself they all taste like shoe leather and that everyone who purchased it immediately uttered, “Dear God, what have I done” as soon as they tried it.

The 10 Most Expensive Whiskeys in the World

 johnny walker go fuck yourself

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15 Bourbon Barrel-Aged Products of America

“This is madness.  Delicious, bourbon-y madness.”

~Bourbon Enthusiasts

 barrels

When an American distillery makes a bourbon, they’re left with two things—many bottles of delicious drunk juice, and a barrel that set them back $120 that can’t be reused but is still saturated with delicious bourbon flavor.  As in, legally, you cannot reuse a bourbon barrel to make another bourbon.  It’s a one-and-done proposition.  So, for decades, bourbon barrels were either discarded or sold to college students,

Then, in 1992, an at-the-time-relatively-unknown Chicago brewery called Goose Island released a beer called the Bourbon County Stout, and this happened.  Before eventually being bought out by Budweiser in an acquisition that was lamented on this very page, the concept of re-using bourbon barrels on products besides other whiskeys began to grow with Bourbon County Stout’s increasing popularity, and in the past several years we’ve not only seen dozens of beers that spend time aging in used bourbon barrels appear on the market, we’ve seen dozens of completely non-beer-related products that spend time in bourbon barrels got up for sale.  Literally dozens.

The wisest and most magnanimous among us know that adding bourbon to anything makes it delicious and American, and we can literally think of nothing that isn’t improved by the introduction of bourbon.  Have an empty glass and the distinct feeling you’ve wasted the last 15 years of your life?  Boom, put some bourbon in there and watch your worries melt away.  It’s 3AM and the last woman left at the bar looks like a goblin who manages a Wal-Mart?  Bam, bourbon yourself up, next thing you know you’ll swear you’re taking home 1998-era Cindy Crawford.  Your new baby from the aforementioned ill-advised union won’t shut up and you’ve got a hangover?  Boo-ya, drunk babies don’t cry, that’s fucking science.  So with that in mind, we’re going to list of fifteen products that, on their own are good, but when aged in bourbon, are incredible.  (Except for a few gross ones).

Fifteen Bourbon Barrel-Aged Products of America

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America’s Newest Insane Bloody Marys

“Guys, you have to stop.  Even I think this is starting to get out of hand.”

~AFFotD Editor-In-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

slider bloody

Back in 2012, we sent our staff across the country to track down the most inventive Bloody Marys in America.  The reasons behind this should be readily apparent.  After all, Bloody Marys are delicious, they encourage day drinking, and they help take the edge off after especially rough visits from the weekend hangover doctor.  We were able to find Bloodies that ranged from the decadent and extreme (garnished with ½ a pound of lobster, or with a ¼ of a bacon cheeseburger, for example) to strange and futuristic (Bloody Mary bites?) but all in all, looking back on it, the fact that “using pepper-infused tequila instead of vodka” was enough for us to consider it “crazy” and “cutting edge” is pretty cute.   Oh how naive we once we, how innocent.  That’s because those past few years have seen the Bloody Mary go from “happy morning drunk juice with some celery or pickles and maybe a hunk of sausage to nibble on while you drink” to “insane carnival concoction that, oh sure we guess this full meal on a stick is going to be precariously bobbing up and down in some tomato juice and booze, but honestly look we stuck a whole fucking slider on there now pay us $10.”

With “absurd Bloody Marys” officially becoming the latest arms race in American excess and awesomeness, we’ve decided to sort through the contenders for the most insane Bloody Marys in recent history if for no other reason than to show how far we’ve evolved since that moment two years ago where “a gin Bloody Mary garnished with shrimp” was something we reported about with breathless excitement, as opposed to now where we see such things and offer a jaded, “well, that’s a pretty tasty way to get drunk enough to make your Monday hard to get through.”  Because why just get day drunk when you can get day drunk while playing a complex game of Jenga with dozens of skewered food stuffs?

America’s Newest Insane Bloody Marys

insane bloody

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