Category Archives: Alcohol, Giver of Life

Alcohol is soooo delicious.

“How delicious is it?”

Shut the fuck up, we’re drinking here.

America’s Newest Insane Bloody Marys

“Guys, you have to stop.  Even I think this is starting to get out of hand.”

~AFFotD Editor-In-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

slider bloody

Back in 2012, we sent our staff across the country to track down the most inventive Bloody Marys in America.  The reasons behind this should be readily apparent.  After all, Bloody Marys are delicious, they encourage day drinking, and they help take the edge off after especially rough visits from the weekend hangover doctor.  We were able to find Bloodies that ranged from the decadent and extreme (garnished with ½ a pound of lobster, or with a ¼ of a bacon cheeseburger, for example) to strange and futuristic (Bloody Mary bites?) but all in all, looking back on it, the fact that “using pepper-infused tequila instead of vodka” was enough for us to consider it “crazy” and “cutting edge” is pretty cute.   Oh how naive we once we, how innocent.  That’s because those past few years have seen the Bloody Mary go from “happy morning drunk juice with some celery or pickles and maybe a hunk of sausage to nibble on while you drink” to “insane carnival concoction that, oh sure we guess this full meal on a stick is going to be precariously bobbing up and down in some tomato juice and booze, but honestly look we stuck a whole fucking slider on there now pay us $10.”

With “absurd Bloody Marys” officially becoming the latest arms race in American excess and awesomeness, we’ve decided to sort through the contenders for the most insane Bloody Marys in recent history if for no other reason than to show how far we’ve evolved since that moment two years ago where “a gin Bloody Mary garnished with shrimp” was something we reported about with breathless excitement, as opposed to now where we see such things and offer a jaded, “well, that’s a pretty tasty way to get drunk enough to make your Monday hard to get through.”  Because why just get day drunk when you can get day drunk while playing a complex game of Jenga with dozens of skewered food stuffs?

America’s Newest Insane Bloody Marys

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Meatbeers: 12 Beers Brewed With Animal Meat

“The only thing that can make beer even better is the knowledge that a living creature died so I can drink it.”

~American Beer Drinkers

 meat wave

Beer is wonderful.  We love beer.  You love beer.  Everyone loves beer.  Well, except for Sharon, but seriously, Sharon is the worst.  Like, every time she opens her mouth, just, ugh.  Sharon.  Fuck Sharon.  But horray beer (Horray beer!)  As a nation, America spends an obscene-yet-appropriate amount of time, money, and effort into making new, exciting, and dangerously alcoholic beers for us to punish our livers with.  If we spent the energy we exert on beer innovation on, say, space travel, we probably would have settled colonies on dozens of planets by now.  But are planets delicious, refreshing, and able to get you absolutely trashed?  No, of course they can’t, they’re just stupid hunks of rock.  They’re practically the opposite of beer, so why should we give them the time of day?  That’s right, we shouldn’t, we’ve got a new session beer to try.  We’ve got our priorities straight, is what we’re trying to say.

Seeing as the beer brewing business favors the bold and encourages risk taking, as well as being largely stocked with red-blooded American heroes, it should come as no surprise that there are a dearth of beers that include honest-to-God animal parts in the brewing process.  Because we like our beer like we like our women: swirling in a vat surrounded by chunks of creatures that once had a fully functioning nervous system.  Um, wait.  Let’s try that again…

Meatbeer:  12 Beers Brewed With Animal Meat

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America’s Strangest Vodka Flavors (Part 3)

“Well, that was one of the more unnecessarily sweet vomits I’ve ever had.”

~Novelty-flavored vodka drinkers

 dude vodka

We’ve discussed the nuanced philosophy behind flavored vodkas in the past, but here it is again.  Vodka exists as a neutral spirit, which is both a blessing and a curse.  Vodka earns its keep for American drunks by finding a way to let orange juice get you drunk, but its ability to meld with various flavors means that, more than any other type of alcohol, liquor companies will churn it out in dozens, if not hundreds, of different and often unnecessary varieties.  And we get it, we really do.  Some people don’t like the taste of alcohol and want to get drunk fast by putting four shots of raspberry vodka into a cup of fruit punch.  We remember being nine years old too.

As much as you might assume that fruity-tasting alcohol is somehow less American than whiskey, well, you’d be right, but flavored vodkas are still perfectly acceptable in polite society, and in the case of downing shots might even be preferable to the unflavored variety (every drinker over the age of 18 has long ago lost their ability to down a shot of straight, unflavored vodka without their stomach reminding them of the time they did vodka shots until they puked).

But just because we drink black cherry vodka like it’s water, or can add cucumber vodka to a Bloody Mary with delicious results, doesn’t mean that all vodka flavors are created equal.  That’s why we’re returning after a long vodka-article hiatus to present our third article about the strangest, most unnecessary vodka flavors in America.  Because why drink alcohol that makes you seem like you’ve retained some semblance of your sanity when you can get drunk on something that tastes like a freshly mown lawn.  That’s not a joke flavor, by the way.

America’s Strangest Vodka Flavors (Part 3)

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A Definitive Guide To Canned Alcohol

“I feel like drinking wine out of a can is conducive to my violent hand gestures when I speak.”

~Mac

 always sunny in philly

Alcohol packaging has gone a long way since the days where our ancestors desperately suckled mead from a hole bored into a dried sheep’s bladder, which has been out of fashion since at least the 1930s.  Now, beer, wine, and liquor comes in a variety of packages such as bottles, boxes, bathtubs, your stomach, and Bender Rodriguez.  Of these many innovations, by far the most practical and actually-legal-at-certain-beaches of these containers would be the aluminum can.  Cheap, lightweight, it’s the perfect alcohol vessel for someone on the go and for overweight frat boys who like to crunch things on their head to prove they have the ability to crunch things on their head.

In a darker past, drinking alcohol from a can meant you were being forced to chug low-grade domestic sludge Budweiser or Coors, but as canning technology has improved, so too has the quality of aluminum encased alcohol.  And since our alcohol purchases can suddenly become tax deductible if we write about them, we’re here to present you with…

A Definitive Guide To Canned Alcohol

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Five Delicious Culinary Treats Made Out Of Bourbon

“I want this inside me.”

~Internal AFFotD Memo

bourbon

For most Americans, the only complaint they can think of regarding alcohol is that you can’t drink and eat it at the same time.  Of course, professional booze hounds throughout the nation know that this isn’t entirely true, and some of you have already discovered and happily devoured various alcohol-laced treat after a fulfilling meal/binge drinking session.

But if you’re an American hoping to eat your booze in a delicious manner, there’s only one base liquor you can allow yourself to seek.  Bourbon.  Giver of life, taker of brain cells, more American than apple pie bourbon.  You can go ahead and thank us in advance for introducing these to your life.

Five Delicious Culinary Treats Made Out Of Bourbon

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This Week in Beer: October 22-October 29

“Wait, haven’t they posted, like, four beer articles in a row now?”

~AFFotD Readers

this week in beer

Yes, we realize that some of you are scrolling down right now and are spotting two beer news article, and one beer-related article that reads a lot like a beer news article, all in a row, but don’t worry about that, we’ll be getting back to mixing in non-beer stories to go with our “This Week in Beer” segments, even if you wouldn’t mind reading nothing but beer facts (sample fact for later articles—did you know that beer is delicious and gets you drunk?  Well you do now!)

Of course, part of the reason why it’s so easy to spend all our time writing about beer is that beer always has something newsworthy going on.  And this past week was no exception, which is why we’re here to continue our This Week in Beer series with…

This Week in Beer:  October 22-October 29

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Five Delicious Frozen Beer Treats For The Summer (Posted In The Fall)

“I’m honestly not sure if this is an ice cream headache or a hangover.”

~Americans currently pressing their tongues to the roofs of their mouths

 ice cream mug

Summer has officially come to an end, and as the hot, disgustingly sweaty nights of August brace to be replaced by the dreary, drinking-bourbon-alone-in-your-studio-apartment subzero evenings of February, we at AFFotD like to look back and think about all the products we could have told you about to make your summer better, but waited until the week where you finally reached below-freezing temperatures to tell you about them.

Basically, a lot of people have found a way to turn beer into a refreshing summer treat.  And now you’ll have to wait a year until you get to enjoy them.  Send all hate mail to the email address listed on the right.  Come at us, bro.

Five Delicious Frozen Beer Treats For The Summer (Posted In The Fall)

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This Week In Beer: October 16-October 22

“Beer beer, the wonderful brew, the more you drink it, the more you spew.”

~Ancient Chinese Proverb

this week in beer

Last week we introduced our newest weekly segment, “This Week in Beer,” where we detailed the latest trends in beer.  We don’t mean to overstate its impact on your life, but we spent a few paragraphs berating the government for shutting down, leaving breweries unable to get new recipes or labels approved, and six hours after we submitted the article, the government opened again.  That’s right.  Remember, when everyone in America wakes up to find a pony in their front yard that has been given to them as a gift by their local Congressman, you can thank us for telling them to do that (or you can shout, “What the fuck, AFFotD, my apartment is going to be covered in pony shit” which is totally a valid response.  We really didn’t think this whole pony plan through, to be honest).

An educated American is a drunk American, so we’re going to continue our quest to give you all the most relevant beer news you can, because you’re far too sober for a Tuesday right now.

This Week In Beer:  October 16-October 22

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This Week in Beer- Inaugural Edition

“God bless you, Michigan.”

~Michigan residents who like to refer to their state in the third person

this week in beer

Our staff at America Fun Fact of the Day know we have one of the most important jobs in this nation—to keep our citizens informed of the best that America has to offer.  Sometimes, we might deem it important that you know about badass presidents from the past, or just general badasses from our history, but more often than not this duty involves telling you about alcohol and fatty foods you should be putting in your body at all times.  It’s our sworn charge, and we take it pretty seriously.

Which is why we’ve decided to create a weekly installment here on America Fun Fact of the Day to make sure that you area always up-to-date on one of the most important topics we can imagine.  That’s right—beer.  So strap yourself in, because we’re about to deliver the latest, most important beer news from the past week (or thereabouts).  Because beer is serious business.

AFFotD Presents:  This Week in Beer- Inaugural Edition

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Point/Counterpoint: Would You Drink Hydrating Beer With Less Alcohol?

“I only invented Science in the hope that someday I could use it to help get people drunk.”

~Isaac Newton

smiley beer

In this 24-hour news cycle world we live in, the announcement of a new cultural phenomenon or technological product causes a flurry of knee-jerk reactions.  Sometimes, these viewpoints look flat out stupid in retrospect, while occasionally the people howling about their hatred of change are spot on with their assessments.  We never know when we’re going to fall on the right side of history, which is why we tend to try to land on the drunk side of things and wait for the dust to settle before giving our two cents.  Every so often, however, our office staff becomes divided on their love or hatred of a new and exciting development in drunk technology.  At that point, we tend to get a representative from each side of the argument, and pit them against each other in an intellectual cock fight.

Don’t  worry, we don’t actually harm any roosters, we’re using the word “intellectual cock fight” metaphorically.  No, once we’ve picked a winner and a loser, we take the loser and set hungry, angry pit bulls on them.  Don’t feel bad, though, our insurance benefits are amazing here.

We bring this up because we’re in the midst of one such intellectual conundrum.  A group of Australian scientists have announced that they discovered a way to make a hydrating beer.  By adding electrolytes, and removing some alcohol, they made a beer that helps lessen that dehydrated hangover feeling the next morning, which could revolutionize the beer drinking experience, except for one nagging issue.

That’s right.  They remove alcohol?  The shit is that?  We’ve been split on it all week, so we’re going to offer this subject to public discussion as we once again bring out our point/counterpoint series.

Point/Counterpoint:  Would You Drink Hydrating Beer With Less Alcohol?

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