“Doctor, I have a question. Is it technically possible to, well, live…inside a bottle of liquor? Because if there’s a way, let me know, and I’ll just do that instead.”
Every so often, we at AFFotD imagine that you, our readers, ask aloud something along the lines of, “Hey, whichever AFFotD writer you’ve got on staff today, what is the craziest and most American idea you have ever heard of? Is it a bear-murder fueled cannon that shoots cheeseburgers? Or, like, a sex doll made out of ham? Or do you guys sometimes dream about making a hat that turns you into Robocop? Holy shit, I want all of those things I just mentioned right now.”
Well, to you, we’d say, first of all, back the fuck off, those are our ideas and our legal department is like, 90% certain that the copyright is going through any day now, so if we even hear a WHISPER about someone putting RoboCap out on the market, we will sue your ass. And secondly, uh, what a ridiculous question. Do you even understand how complicated it would be to make a hat that turned you into Robocop? Or how much time our creative department would take to come up with such an amazingly appropriate name for that as RoboCap? Yeah, that shit doesn’t just happen, so no, we never think about those awesomely crazy American ideas.
We do, however, think about BoozeTown.
Posted in Booze Facts, Drunk People
Tagged Alcohol, America, Batman, BoozeTown, Daniel Plainview, Las Vegas, Macaulay Culkin, Mel Johnson, Superman, There Will Be Blood, Three Sheets
“Chewing gum is a lot like heroin, since both are incredibly enjoyable.”
~William S. Burroughs
Chewing gum is an enigmatic American invention. While it combines ancient history, American ingenuity, and tooth decay, it is not considered to be as awesomely American as alligator wrestling or cage matches (or any combination of the two). But, in reality, chewing gum is an underappreciated yet surprisingly American commodity.
First, ask yourself a question. Who makes chewing gum? Wrigley’s of course. And where do the Chicago Cubs, America’s most American loveable losers play? Wrigley Field.
Did you know: Those two are named after the same fucking guy.
Once you pick up the pieces of your exploded cranium, the America Fun Fact of the Day presents to you…
Chewing Gum: More American than your immigrant grandparents
Posted in America's Best Foods
Tagged Abraham Lincoln, Alcohol, America, Basketball, Benjamin Harrison, Chewing Gum, Chicago Cubs, Chicle, FDR, Football, Gerald Ford, Greece, JFK, Jimmy Carter, John B. Curtis, MacGyver, Soccer, Spiderman, Teddy Roosevelt, Ulysses S. Grant, William Henry Harrison, William S. Burroughs, William Semple, World War II, Wrigley Field
“It’s simple kids, if you drink and smoke and eat and screw as much as me? Well, kiddos, someday you’ll be just as good at sports!”
There’s something about baseball that resonates with America. Maybe it’s memories of sitting at the ballpark, drinking a beer while scarfing down eight hot dogs after forging a sick note for your third grade teacher. Maybe it’s memories of suspenseful chess matches between evenly matched teams, the thrill of finding your team in the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs and the bases loaded. Maybe it’s your appreciation for the nuances of the “balk” rule. It isn’t that last one.
But more importantly, the players that the sport grew up around were America incarnate. Baseball was a sport where a you could take a man with the name “Mordecai,” chop off two of his fingers, and have him pitch for the Chicago Cubs, and not only would he thrive, he would win two world series and be a hall of famer despite looking like he should work behind the counter at a convenience store in the south.
This is the face of a man who has struck out 1,375 professional sports players.
But really, many of baseball’s greats helped express what was truly American about us. Ted Williams was a patriotic war veteran whose interests included batting .400 and having his head cryogenically frozen. Like America. Rumor has it that Joe DiMaggio married the hottest woman in the world at the time primarily so he could say that he was “Dick cousins” with JFK. Like every American would. Ty Cobb was a horrible racist who once beat up a cripple. Uh, forget that we mentioned that last one.
But what ballplayer was more patriotic than both a deformed Indiana pitcher and a Georgian bigot combined? How about an overeating, alcoholic fat man with a sex problem and a tobacco addiction. No, we’re not talking about the gay love child of Uncle Sam and George Washington, we are of course talking about…
Babe “you’re next, sweetheart” Ruth.
Posted in Athletes
Tagged Alcohol, America, Babe Ruth, Baseball, Cigars, JFK, Joe DiMaggio, John F. Kennedy, Marilyn Monroe, Mordecai Brown, Tim Lincecum, Ty Cobb