Tag Archives: Alcohol

Should Americans Mix Caffeine And Alcohol?

“Oh man I’m so wasted!  Oh man, my heart hurts!”

~Americans doing it RIGHT

America loves alcohol, but many find that, as they get older, it’s strangely more difficult to stay awake all day while pounding vodka until the pain goes away.  That’s why we often try to find inventive ways to keep on partying.  In the 80’s, it was Cocaine.  In the 90’s, it was heroin, which of course led to a record number of liver failures because surprisingly, junkies don’t understand how heroin or alcohol work.  In the 70’s, it was probably that one poster where you could see Farrah Fawcett’s tit.  But in the 00’s and 10’s, alcohol and caffeine has been America’s upper of choice.  Anyone who has ever been to a bar where the DJ makes drink specials announcement while sounding like he works at a strip club has been exposed to various drinks involving Red Bull, and probably has ordered said drink when they started to feel themselves fading.

Of course, medical experts tend to point out that mixing energy drinks with alcohol is dangerous, and could even be potentially life-threatening.  While the government might stop Four Loko from caffeinating up their drinks, they can’t stop Americans from pouring five ounces of a Monster energy drink down the drain to top it off with vodka, so it’s time for us to bring back our Point/Counter-point series as we address…

Should Americans Mix Caffeine And Alcohol?

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Nine of the Highest Blood Alcohol Levels of All Time

“I’m not as officer as you drunk I am, vomit.”

~America’s Drunks

We’ve been told that alcohol can be lethal when taken in large enough doses.  We know, that sounds counter-intuitive, but bear with us.  As everyone who has purchased a breathalyzer from Sharper Image for parties and making sad, sad nights by yourself more justifiable by saying you’re “doing research” can attest, when you get to a BAC of about .2, you’re going to stop remembering things.  Knowing that, it makes slightly more sense that Wikipedia would list the side effects of a “>0.50 BAC” as “death.”

But this is America, goddamn it.  You know there have to be supermen (and women!  Don’t forget those ladies!) who can survive alcohol levels that can kill a rhino.  And while the staff of AFFotD has never made the news for being busted with a lethal BAC, many Americans have, and we’re here to salute them.  Sort of.  Well, we’re going to salute them in the same way you salute someone trying to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.  Because, damn you guys, when we think you drank too much, you know you’re in trouble.

Nine of the Highest Blood Alcohol Levels of All Time

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WHAT THE HELL!? America’s Top 10 Selling Beers (Are Awful)

“Eh, just put some rice water in it and say it enhances the flavor.”

~Budweiser

 

Beer is a lot like sex.  When it’s good, it’s really good.  And when it’s bad, you’re probably going to wake up the next day feeling empty, unsatisfied, and with an inexplicable headache.  But no matter how good or bad it is, America just keeps coming back for more.  And if this metaphor were to really hold its own weight, we’d have to hope that Americans in general prefer good beer, then.  Because who wants bad beer?  Date rapists?  The French?  Spuds McKenzie?

Nope, turns out fucking everyone prefers drinking shitty beer.  How else can you explain this blog post that lists the 10 top selling beers in America?  These beers are collectively so bad and un-American that we almost didn’t spot the egregious omission of Samuel Adams from the list.  We’re not saying Sam Adams is the best beer in America, far from it, but if you have an ambitious brewery that’s named after Sam fucking Adams, and it’s not in the top 10 of market share, someone fucked up (we’re looking at you, majority of beer drinkers).

Of course, when we at AFFotD feel the need to correct such misconceptions about the America’s fine assortment of fermented malts and hops, we do so with the calm, delicate prose that sets aside emotional responses, and instead delves into the topic with tact and understanding.  That’s why we present you…

WHAT THE HELL!?  America’s Top 10 Selling Beers (Are Awful)

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The Top 5 American Ways to Get Drunk (Without Drinking)

“Sure, go for it.”

~Anthony Bourdain

America likes alcohol about as much as America likes alcohol, but sometimes we have to eat, or we don’t feel like consuming liquids at the moment.  Shut up, it happens sometimes.  Maybe.  Anyway, it is times like that where we Americans can show our ingenuity by discovering strange, magical, almost logic-defying ways to get wasted.  Yeah, we might be lagging in education and…uh..maths? but we’re still able to get you drunk without you even knowing it.  Or in one case (number one on the list) we can get you drunk while you are terrifyingly aware of it.

That’s why we at AFFotD are here to present to you…

The Top 5 American Ways to Get Drunk (Without Drinking)

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Diners: American Drunk Food Delivery System

Where everyone knows your name.”

~That’s from Cheers, asshole

Quiz time, America.  It’s two in the morning, and you’re drunk…

“Tuesday!?”

No, stop…don’t interrupt us, we’re not asking what day it is or…

“If it’s two in the morning, and I’m drunk, it’s probably a Tuesday.  Or one of the other days that end in ‘Day.’”

…No, we know, that’s why you read AFFotD, but you have to let us finish…

“Is it right now?  Because I’m drunk right now.”

We sort of figured.  No, no, we were trying to say, hypothetically…

“I don’t know anything about math.”

You’re thinking of the word hypotenuse.  Try to focus.  You’re drunk, it’s a Tuesday, and you need to eat some greasy…

“Diner!  I’ll go to a diner!”

…Actually yes.  That’s what we’re here to talk about.

Diners:  American Drunk Food Delivery System

 

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AFFotD Discusses and Interprets the 10 Most Shoplifted Items of 2011

“Come on man, just put this hat in your shirt and walk out.  Don’t you want to be cool like us?”

~The Cool Kids

People steal shit.  If that surprises you, we’re sorry.  Here are a few more doozies for you:  People enjoy sex, fast food is unhealthy, and emails from strangers with a poor grasp on English asking for money tend not to have honest intentions.  Welcome to the real world, junior, we play for keeps.

Yes, there many categories of theft, but the most commonly occurring one would have to be shoplifting.  And in this economy, it should come as no surprise that there was a 6% increase in reported shopliftings between 2010 and 2011.  Shoplifting is so rampant in this country that there is even an organization called the National Association for Shoplifting Prevention, or NASP, whose sole purpose is to deter you from shoplifting while maintaining a website that doesn’t understand how color schemes work.

So when Adweek posted an article about the top 10 most shoplifted items, we were interested.  Not because it is American to shoplift (it’s not) but because it’s Americans doing the shoplifting, and we secretly hoped that they were at least picking out things that fell into our definition of “Hell yes, that’s American.”

And for the most part they did.  That’s why, we here at AFFotD are here to present…

AFFotD Discusses and Interprets the 10 Most Shoplifted Items of 2011

 

That’s a really harsh punishment.  Letting everyone know you shop at Walmart.  Yeesh.

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Jerry Thomas Invented Your Favorite Drinks (And Set Fires)

“Get you drunk, get your lady drunk, set some shit on fire, I can do it all.”

~Jerry Thomas


This might come as a surprise to some of you, but America likes to get itself drunk.  But while shots of whiskey with beer chasers is a tried and true method for shouting at your liver, “who’s responsible for the removal of toxins from my system now, huh jerk?” it can get old after a while.  That’s why Americans have made it a point to master the art of mixing liquor with different liquors to make delicious (and high octane) cocktails that can be enjoyed by men, women, and people who enjoy giggling at the word “cock”.  Cocktails (tee hee) are incredibly American, and every time someone in a bowler cap orders a Manhattan in a dimly lit bar, the nearest woman in the area becomes instantaneously impregnated.  This is science, and there’s no way to stop it.

We’re just saying, Jon Hamm is responsible for more accidental impregnations than the NBA.

So while most Americans appreciate the existence of a good, well-crafted cocktail, surprisingly few are aware of Jerry Thomas, the father of American mixology.  And that’s a damn shame, because Americans unknowingly give this man tribute every day, be they ordering an oversized margarita to a woman they just met, or be they ordering a sidecar from a clearly pissed off bartender at a wedding’s open bar.  All of these couldn’t be possible without the contributions of this portly man whose most famous drink involved arcs of blue fire.

Basically, Jerry Thomas is gonna get you drunk.  You’re welcome.

He may also disfigure you horribly in the process of doing so.

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America Fun Fact of the Day’s Back-to-School Special

“I have to go to school?  That’s bullshit.”

~You watch your fucking mouth, young man


Holy shit, America, it’s already September.  And you know what that means.  As we get to the time of the year that you’re either not supposed to wear white or you’re allowed to wear white again (we really can’t keep Labor Day and Memorial Day straight), the younger Americans, or younglings if you will, are forced to undergo an arduous nine month torture known as “Education.”  That’s right, schools are oppressively well lit buildings where kids have to sneak to the bathroom to smoke and drink, and in the meantime they are forced to read books.

We even once heard that they teach Math there.

School is bullshit.  Abraham Lincoln didn’t go to school, and he did just fine for himself.  The only reason we go to school is so we can go to college, which National Lampoon films have informed us are only inhabited by cranky deans and attractive young people who are eager to get naked.

Anyway, it’s time for youngsters to get back to school, that’s why AFFotD is here to provide you kiddos with…

AFFotD’s Back-to-School Special!

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The Guide to Bachelor and Bachelorette Parties

“Layyyyyy-deeeees?”

~Bachlor/Bachlorette Parties

 

Sometimes, people in America get married, which often makes taxes easier to deal with.  As a general rule, when Americans are about to make a large investment in changing their stationary, they go through various ways to celebrate this union.  Many throw lavish weddings, some people elope in secret because the husband was very good at making “too cheap to pay for a wedding” sound like “romantically whisking his bride into matrimony.”  But no matter the wedding type (shotgun) or the reason behind the nuptials (mail-order bride) one part of wedding celebrations is celebrated by every American.

That of course would be the bachelor and bachelorette party.

There is a science behind these parties, and a lot of it has to do with the magic that makes alcohol turn into happiness once it passes through your liver.  And despite specific differences between each event, bachelor parties and bachelorette parties adhere to the same American tenants.  That’s why we’re here to present…

AFFotD’s Official American Guide For Bachelor and Bachelorette Parties (for America Continue reading

AFFotD’s 1955 Guide to Parenting*

“I see nothing wrong with this picture.”

~American parent in the 1950’s


The greatest generation was also the generation of the worst parents.  Children born in the 1950’s had to dodge carcinogens, tetanus, and medically-caused birth defects like it was their job.  Granted, it’s not the fault of the parents, it was more a sign of the times.  Having some cigarettes and booze while pregnant was just a good way to calm the nerves, and so what if Lawn Darts can be used as a weapon, it’s called survival of the fittest.  Darwin, motherfuckers.  In the 50’s, parents didn’t spend their time drinking while their children took turns playing “inhale the asbestos fibers” because it was fun, they did it because alcohol is delicious, and that entire generation spent most of their time offsetting the effects of Delirium Tremens.

And really, childrearing in America during this time was naïve, but innocent.  And of course, America Fun Fact of the Day was there.  Yes, while we’ve been in existence as AFFotD since the 1970’s, we were still putting out information back in the 1950’s as a bi-weekly informational brochure called “The Informative American.”  Looking through our archives, it wasn’t hard to dig up one of our classic guides to parenting from back in 1955.

Being a parent in the 1950’s didn’t mean you’d expressly go out of your way to make life dangerous for your children.  The rest of the world did that job for you, and you’re never going to be able to out-terrible-parent this woman who used her children in a knife throwing act.  But, in our 1955 guide, we were able to highlight just exactly was expected the 1950’s American parent!

So, for a refreshing take as to the mindset of America 55 years ago, we present…

AFFotD’s 1955 Guide to Parenting*

*Following this advice today will lead to your arrest.  AFFotD is in no way responsible for any injuries as a result of the information in this article.

The look on that baby’s face says “holy shit, I almost drowned just now.”

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