The State of Our Union: KFC

Posted on June 24, 2014 | Leave a comment

“Listen, KFC, we need to talk.  You guys might need to…start cooling your shit.”

~Concerned Americans

kfc

We as a society have an incredibly short memory when it comes to change.  We freak the fuck out whenever Facebook alters it’s news feed only to completely forget about our reaction the next time they change the layout and we again, collectively, lose our shit.  That ability to accept the occasional big change while glossing over the small ones is completely natural, but it does mean that every so often we need to take a step back and look to see if we’ve gone too far.  Similarly to how you can watch eight seasons of a TV show and not realize how much the actors have aged until you revisit the first episode, we might not realize how far off the rails some of our favorite American establishments have gone until we take a step back and compare it to Japan.

Which brings us to our inaugural edition of our latest running article—The State of Our Union.  We will take an iconic American establishment and look at it with fresh, new eyes, to put in perspective if it truly is American, or if we’ve created a monster.  First up, we have a beloved institution that has been in existence since 1930—KFC, the artist formerly known as Kentucky Fried Chicken.

The State of Our Union:  KFC

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Five Vibrant, Original (Horrific) Summer Cocktails!

Posted on June 11, 2014 | Leave a comment

“Listen, we’re not going to interrupt our perfectly drunk barbeque to post some damn article.  Have [REDACTED] write about, oh, let’s say, summer cocktails.  People love that shit right?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

cocktail

Summer has arrived, that time of year to sip some cold beer on your lawn while the men don their grilling aprons, the women don their short shorts and tube tops, and dad’s everywhere nudge their sons when someone wearing short shorts and a tube top walks by their grill.  It’s also a time for drinking alcoholic beverages outside the normal realm of your beer, wine, or whiskeys.  It’s a time where you can order your piña colada or your mai tai and no one can judge you.  And for the majority of us who had to weather the polar vortexes of 2014 (*glares jealously at Florida and Southern California*) we have truly earned every fruity, refreshing summer cocktail we can get our hands on.

That even applies to[REDACTED].  For those of our readers who might not remember, [REDACTED] is our investigative journalist who has gone insane, and as such now is forced to live out of our office’s utility closet until we can figure out a humane way to deal with him.  Until then, we give him the occasional article to write, which often involves us making him watch awful rap videos and describing them to you.  He’s normally drunk by the time we get him to do any writing for us, which frankly astonishes us because we have gone through very exhaustive efforts to make sure he has no alcohol or caustic materials within reach, yet somehow he’s, just, perennially drunk, like one of those people with gut fermentation syndrome who gets drunk they consume sugars or carbohydrates.

Anyway, we decided we were going to write about summer cocktails, because everyone loves writing about summer cocktails and it’s the kind of fluff piece that everyone and your mother (especially your mother) likes to post on their Facebook timelines.  Now admittedly, we failed to realize that, without any proper alcohol or mixers, the results might not exactly be appealing, but here’s the five cocktails that [REDACTED] came up with.

Five Vibrant, Original (Horrific) Summer Cocktails!

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The 7 Longest Books in American History

Posted on June 4, 2014 | 3 comments

“That’s no book.  It’s a space station.”

~Obi-wan Librarian

giant book

America has a very tenuous relationship with books, and literacy in general.  On one hand, you’re here, reading these words, and only about 25% of you have to slowly-mouth-out-the-words-as-you-read-along.  But on the other hand, reading is hard.  Hell, that’s why this page is covered with flags and bears and shit because look at the shiny things look at the shiny things thanks for the page click sorry there aren’t more side-boob slideshows for you.

The fact of the matter is, while many Americans appreciate a good book, and even spend their free time reading as opposed to, say, drinking and watching Netflix in whiskey haze, others think that books are for suckers.  We’re not going to take a side on this topic, unless we write and subsequently try to sell a book, in which case, literature is awesome, RIP Borders you will be missed, long live Barnes and Noble.

But, as long as there has been literature, there have been works of literature that are soooooo long (“how long are they?”) they are soooo long… that it would take an incredible amount of time and patience to get through them.

Damn, we really thought there could be a joke in there.  A joke about long books…long…something.  Nope, we got nothing.  Damn shame.  Anyway, here are the longest books ever written by American authors.

The 7 Longest Books In America

 war and peace

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Today in American History: Memorial Days of American History

Posted on May 26, 2014 | 1 comment

“In honor of the sacrifice of our men and women overseas, you don’t have to work on Monday, freeing up Sunday for a drunken barbeque.”

 ~The Constitution, probably

memorial day

This Monday is Memorial Day, the national holiday where we remember the men and women who have died while serving in the Armed Forces by taking advantage of a three-day weekend right around the time that the weather starts finally getting warm.  There’s beer, family, friends, barbecues, and we think this is the one where you’re allowed to start wearing white as opposed to the one where you should stop wearing white.

So on this particular Memorial Day, we decided to dig through the nation’s history and give you an insight into important events that have happened on Memorial Days of the past during the handful of times where we’ve managed to do something besides spilling light beer on our American flag grilling aprons.

Today in American History:  Memorial Days of American History

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The 10 Most Expensive Whiskeys in the World

Posted on May 14, 2014 | 5 comments

“Hmm, I could buy one bottle of whiskey, or, OR, I could get drunk every day, for my whole life, on very good whiskey, and still not pay that much.  Decisions, decisions.”

~Practical American Booze Shoppers

 glengoyne

When we set out to bring you the closest thing to a comprehensive list of the world’s most expensive whiskeys that a writing staff of buzzed and lightly drunk gluttons could put together, we didn’t know what to expect.  We’ve covered the most expensive versions of various items here before, from pizza and hamburgers to yachts to even vodka, and as much as we wholeheartedly endorse waste and greed, we can’t ever get past the whole “if you can buy a thousand bottles of liquor for the price of one stupid status symbol, why not just go for bulk instead” mindset of things.

Our view on excess generally boils down to the following—take a hundred pounds of butter and carve it into a cow?  You keep doing you, you glorious American bastard.  But spend $10,000 on a single bottle of alcohol?  Is that really better than, say, 300 bottle of Woodford Reserve?

With that caveat in mind, we were (somewhat) pleasantly surprised to see that none of the entries of most expensive whiskeys come from the United States.

, 99 times out of 100, when we see someone doing something better than America we start frothing at the mouth while demanding an immediate arms race, economy be damned, but in this instance, we’re happy to cede the title to the Scots, especially since, if you’re patient and really looking to flex your alcohol spending powers, $200 and knowing the right people can get most Americans the best whiskey in the world.

With that in mind, it’s time to delve into the world’s most expensive whiskeys.  We can guarantee you will never have the opportunity to take even a sip of any of these, so it’s best to just tell yourself they all taste like shoe leather and that everyone who purchased it immediately uttered, “Dear God, what have I done” as soon as they tried it.

The 10 Most Expensive Whiskeys in the World

 johnny walker go fuck yourself

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15 Bourbon Barrel-Aged Products of America

Posted on May 7, 2014 | Leave a comment

“This is madness.  Delicious, bourbon-y madness.”

~Bourbon Enthusiasts

 barrels

When an American distillery makes a bourbon, they’re left with two things—many bottles of delicious drunk juice, and a barrel that set them back $120 that can’t be reused but is still saturated with delicious bourbon flavor.  As in, legally, you cannot reuse a bourbon barrel to make another bourbon.  It’s a one-and-done proposition.  So, for decades, bourbon barrels were either discarded or sold to college students,

Then, in 1992, an at-the-time-relatively-unknown Chicago brewery called Goose Island released a beer called the Bourbon County Stout, and this happened.  Before eventually being bought out by Budweiser in an acquisition that was lamented on this very page, the concept of re-using bourbon barrels on products besides other whiskeys began to grow with Bourbon County Stout’s increasing popularity, and in the past several years we’ve not only seen dozens of beers that spend time aging in used bourbon barrels appear on the market, we’ve seen dozens of completely non-beer-related products that spend time in bourbon barrels got up for sale.  Literally dozens.

The wisest and most magnanimous among us know that adding bourbon to anything makes it delicious and American, and we can literally think of nothing that isn’t improved by the introduction of bourbon.  Have an empty glass and the distinct feeling you’ve wasted the last 15 years of your life?  Boom, put some bourbon in there and watch your worries melt away.  It’s 3AM and the last woman left at the bar looks like a goblin who manages a Wal-Mart?  Bam, bourbon yourself up, next thing you know you’ll swear you’re taking home 1998-era Cindy Crawford.  Your new baby from the aforementioned ill-advised union won’t shut up and you’ve got a hangover?  Boo-ya, drunk babies don’t cry, that’s fucking science.  So with that in mind, we’re going to list of fifteen products that, on their own are good, but when aged in bourbon, are incredible.  (Except for a few gross ones).

Fifteen Bourbon Barrel-Aged Products of America

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America’s Newest Insane Bloody Marys

Posted on April 30, 2014 | 3 comments

“Guys, you have to stop.  Even I think this is starting to get out of hand.”

~AFFotD Editor-In-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

slider bloody

Back in 2012, we sent our staff across the country to track down the most inventive Bloody Marys in America.  The reasons behind this should be readily apparent.  After all, Bloody Marys are delicious, they encourage day drinking, and they help take the edge off after especially rough visits from the weekend hangover doctor.  We were able to find Bloodies that ranged from the decadent and extreme (garnished with ½ a pound of lobster, or with a ¼ of a bacon cheeseburger, for example) to strange and futuristic (Bloody Mary bites?) but all in all, looking back on it, the fact that “using pepper-infused tequila instead of vodka” was enough for us to consider it “crazy” and “cutting edge” is pretty cute.   Oh how naive we once we, how innocent.  That’s because those past few years have seen the Bloody Mary go from “happy morning drunk juice with some celery or pickles and maybe a hunk of sausage to nibble on while you drink” to “insane carnival concoction that, oh sure we guess this full meal on a stick is going to be precariously bobbing up and down in some tomato juice and booze, but honestly look we stuck a whole fucking slider on there now pay us $10.”

With “absurd Bloody Marys” officially becoming the latest arms race in American excess and awesomeness, we’ve decided to sort through the contenders for the most insane Bloody Marys in recent history if for no other reason than to show how far we’ve evolved since that moment two years ago where “a gin Bloody Mary garnished with shrimp” was something we reported about with breathless excitement, as opposed to now where we see such things and offer a jaded, “well, that’s a pretty tasty way to get drunk enough to make your Monday hard to get through.”  Because why just get day drunk when you can get day drunk while playing a complex game of Jenga with dozens of skewered food stuffs?

America’s Newest Insane Bloody Marys

insane bloody

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The Most Absurd Animated Spin-Offs of Classic Movies

Posted on April 23, 2014 | 2 comments

Yes, of course!  Turn it into a cartoon!  The kids will love it!  This coke is amazing I AM INVINSIBLE!”

~Television Executives of the 80s and 90s

beatlejuice

If there’s anything you should take away from our recent article discussing the horrendous movie sequels you didn’t know existed, it’s that nothing is sacred and artistic integrity is a lie we tell ourselves when we watch the first two Godfather movies while pretending that Sophia Coppola never acted.  It’s good that we ripped that Band-Aid off quickly because things are going to get worse from here.  No, we’re not going to list another set of American-Psycho-2-esque horrendous sequels.

We’re going to talk about your favorite movies turned into baffling, strange, and unnecessary Saturday Morning Cartoons.

Yes, while you were enjoying a happy childhood where your weekends were spent watching GI Joe and Doug, the powers that be decided that your favorite movies should also be cheaply animated and interspersed with commercials for Breakfast cereals.  Who cares if the original material is “Rated R” or “features pee-wee hockey players, not giant duck aliens, you fucking maniac”?  Cartoons are cheap to make, dammit, and it’s not like an animated series could do any more damage to the Police Academy series than Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach has done already.

Below are the list of America’s most unnecessary animated spin-offs.  And holy hell, are they unnecessary.

The Most Absurd Animated Spin-Offs of Classic Movies

dumb and dumber animated Continue reading →

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The Ten Most Caloric Burgers In The World

Posted on April 16, 2014 | 5 comments

“I think my heart attack is having a heart attack.”

~Oh God, Ordering Seconds Was A Horrible Idea

thats a giant burger

Many foreigners visiting America find themselves surprised at the amount of relatively fit and attractive people they can see on the street.  In their mind, the typical American is fat, trudging around in clogs with grease stains on their shirt, probably eating a whole pizza right out of the box while they’re walking to the gun store.  Instead, they find that Americans come in all shapes and sizes, and as much as restaurant portions seem larger than they’re used to, and the bread tastes much sweeter than anticipated, America’s culture of excess is largely confined to a very small but visible minority of people and restaurateurs who are fucking insane and are hellbent on cramming as many calories into your maw as is humanly possible before your heart explodes and showers the room with bacon bits like some Lovecraftian horror version of a piñata.

Naturally, our job is to help spread the gospel of this brave minority, these innovators who find ways to put a week’s worth of calories on a plate in front of you, these soldiers of fortune who push us to new limits, pushing our faces down into greasy heaps saying “eat your slop little piggies eat your slop!”  And while we do our best to make each meal as unhealthy as possible using a variety of methods, one of the most time-honored and respected approaches involves the creation of hamburgers so excessive and absurd that the mere sight of them is enough to drive nutritionists to commit hara-kiri.

But we’re no amateurs.  Sure, we could tell you about people who go to fast food restaurants and construct their own caloric monstrosities, or we could point out various chain restaurants’ burgers that double your daily allotment of fat,  but that’s child’s play.  If you really want to grab our attention, you’ve got to make something so obscene that even our own staff would have to take pause before diving in.  But dive in we shall, because this is America, and we’ve always wondered if heart attacks really are as painful as they make it look on TV.

The Ten Most Caloric Burgers In The World

bacon-cheese-pizza-burger

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Meatbeers: 12 Beers Brewed With Animal Meat

Posted on April 9, 2014 | 10 comments

“The only thing that can make beer even better is the knowledge that a living creature died so I can drink it.”

~American Beer Drinkers

 meat wave

Beer is wonderful.  We love beer.  You love beer.  Everyone loves beer.  Well, except for Sharon, but seriously, Sharon is the worst.  Like, every time she opens her mouth, just, ugh.  Sharon.  Fuck Sharon.

But horray beer (Horray beer!)  As a nation, America spends an obscene-yet-appropriate amount of time, money, and effort into making new, exciting, and dangerously alcoholic beers for us to punish our livers with.  If we spent the energy we exert on beer innovation on, say, space travel, we probably would have settled colonies on dozens of planets by now.

But are planets delicious, refreshing, and able to get you absolutely trashed?  No, of course they can’t, they’re just stupid hunks of rock.

They’re practically the opposite of beer, so why should we give them the time of day?  That’s right, we shouldn’t, we’ve got a new session beer to try.  We’ve got our priorities straight, is what we’re trying to say.

Seeing as the beer brewing business favors the bold and encourages risk taking, as well as being largely stocked with red-blooded American heroes, it should come as no surprise that there are a dearth of beers that include honest-to-God animal parts in the brewing process.

Because we like our beer like we like our women: swirling in a vat surrounded by chunks of creatures that once had a fully functioning nervous system.  Um, wait.  Let’s try that again…

Meatbeer:  12 Beers Brewed With Animal Meat

rooster in a pint glass- turtle power Continue reading →

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Posted in Beer!, Strange America, Strange Foods

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