Tag Archives: America

American Celebrities Broadcasting While Drunk

“Livin’ in Amerrrrrrrrricaaaaaaa.”

~James Brown

America and alcohol go together like America and alcohol- they’re such ideal companions there’s no feasible way to make a better analogy about it.  But there are times when mixing alcohol with American inventions do not turn out so well.  Bourbon and cars?  Despite our brazen, occasionally maligned statements regarding drunk driving (“At least the drunk driving teens who died on the way to prom were cool enough to go to prom, probably because they were good at drinking” seems particularly damning in retrospect), we will admit that it’s usually not a good combination.  Whiskey and airplanes?  Okay, to be fair, we’ve just finished re-watching the plane crash scene of “Cast Away” so we don’t want to think about drunken airplane flying.

Despite how glamorous Die Hard 2 made it seem

But drunken broadcasting?  Someone getting wasted, and then going live on television or radio?  That is goddamn American.  That’s literally the celebrity version of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.  “You got drunk and high on my television show.”  “You got your television show on my drunk and high.”  “Holy shit best idea ever.”

“It truly was a chugging for the ages.”

That is why AFFotD is here to proudly present the most American moments of wasted broadcasting in American history.  But first, we need to line up some shots.

Or we can just chug some Everclear.

Ahhhhh yeah.  Yeah feel the burn.

Okay.  *cough*.  Okay.  Let’s…uh, let’s get started.

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Wolves Howling at the Moon Shirts

“This is the BEST SHIRT EVER.”

~Some dude at a Trailer Park

 

Each area of American society can be recognized by their clothing of choice.  Business professionals enjoy the luxury of a tailored suit.  Short order cooks and pottery experts like smocks (probably).  Hipsters wear whatever the fuck will make you say, “Look at that fucking hipster.”  But there is one shirt that gives certain (cough, trailer park) demographics American superpowers.

Any T-shirt involving wolves.  Really, they’re all good, you can take your pick.

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America Fun Fact of the Day 6/5- June 5th in American History

June has arrived, and all around America people are celebrating the return of mosquitoes and sunburn.  Which is why, around this time, things start to get a little…strange.  That’s why we are here to celebrate the other strange things that have occurred in previous June 5ths of the past, in…
The American History of June 5th (in America)

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America Fun Fact of the Day 6/4- Saturday Image of the Week

“Uh…guys, it’s a picture of a blackbird riding a bald eagle.  Do we really need to say anything else?  Honestly?  Have a good weekend everyone”

~Today’s AFFotD

Uh…guys, it’s a picture of a blackbird riding a bald eagle.  Do we really need to say anything else?  Honestly?  Have a good weekend everyone.

Spicer Breeden Did All Your Cocaine

“This is the best cocaine ever, I am a fucking BEAST!”

~Spicer Breeden

 

America has a complex relationship with tragedy.  Everyone likes The Shawshank Redemption, but on it’s opening weekend more people went to see The Little Rascals and The Mask.  We know Shakespeare’s greatest plays were tragedies, but we don’t give a shit because, come on, plays?  We laugh when we see a full grown man get smashed in the groin with a baseball bat, but get pissed off when our lame friend gets all worried and asks, “Is he gonna be able to have kids again?” Tragedy makes us uncomfortable, especially in instances where we see two American flames flicker and extinguish.  We love to highlight all that is American, but we prefer to shield ourselves from the tragedy of Americans.

That is, unless a mountain of cocaine is involved, and then we’re all about that shit.

Fair warning, this article will be like 80% cocaine jokes and 20% glossing over the tragedy of a hit and run death

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A Brief Look Into Competitive Eating

“I demand to see men force foods down their stomach at dizzying speeds.”

~Marlon Brando (you know, after he sorta started ballooning up)

America has a fascination with overeating.  Each day, we hear phrases that invoke our gastronomical upbringings, like “Put your money where your mouth is” “Stuff ‘em like a turkey” or “That sex was almost as good as eating a crate of pudding cups.  Almost.”

Yes, Americans love to eat.  Maybe it’s because our most fattening foods happen to be the cheapest and most delicious.  Maybe it’s because humans evolved with food scarcity, and fat storage was once a sign of survival, which became conflated as a sign of affluence in impoverished nations where obesity is considered an outward indicator of success.  Or maybe it’s shut the fuck up and eat, this is America dammit, SUEEEE-WEEEEEEE, SUEEEE-WEEEEEEEE.

So we at the America Fun Fact of the Day have grabbed our bibs, and our glasses of water for dunking, and are here to salute those proud Americans who make a living as Professional Competitive Eaters.

Haha, it says Shaggy Rodgers and Scooby Doo at the bottom.  Well done, internet vigilantes. 

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A Road Trip of Roadside Attractions Through America’s Midwest: Part 3

“Daddy, mom said that we’re supposed to call the police if you start drinking behind the wheel again.”

~How many times does daddy have to tell you kids to shut the hell up?

America is a glorious, sprawling land, with a lot of weird shit out there.  As we’ve established in our first and second road trips through Midwestern America, the best part of driving through America is being able to stop and waste time at a whole variety of strange, exotic places.  Except for that spider-car.  That was terrifying as all shit.

AGHHHHHH FLASHBACK

After our last trip, which ended with several AFFotD staffers getting wasted at Mount Rushmore, we don’t really know what happened.  When we eventually woke up, we all were missing one shoe, one sock, and the sleeves of our shirts had been cut off.  Oh, also, our car was scattered around us in dozens of pieces.  Or so we thought.  Actually, our car was nowhere to be found.  Turns out we’re in Alliance, Nebraska, where we were greeted with this sight.

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The Civil War’s Most Glorious Mustaches

“Prrrrfftt plabber prrrftt sorry my glorious mustache was in my mouth, you see.”

~Ambrose Burnside

Every great war leaves behind a cultural legacy.  The Vietnam War spurned on counter-culture and PTSD.  World War II developed and hardened the so-called “Greatest Generation.”  The Korean War led to M*A*S*H*.  The impact of these conflicts have been scorched into our memory, making irreplaceable connections in our minds.  So, while we were riffling through the Smithsonian website looking for blueprints (we heard they have the Fonzie’s jacket there, and we fucking want it) we stumbled across this little item regarding the Civil War.  Because, when you think of the Civil War, clearly the one thing you associate with it is slavery glorious facial hair.

We were going to do a fun fact on the importance of office safety, ever since we had to send [REDACTED] to the hospital when he started shouting, “GONZO JOURNALISM” and licking our supply of poison arrow frogs, but really, we figure this is more important.  So, let’s rate some facial hair, everyone.

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Money Grubbing Parents Need To Take Their Damn Hands Off Our Damn Four Lokos

“I want to have 12 lokos tonight!”

~This man knows what’s up

 

“There is no possible way I would regret this later in life.”

Binge drinking is about as American as binge drinking, and no one does it better than Americans.  While British people try to binge drink like us Americans, they don’t have the temperament for it, and usually end up just smashing pint glasses into each other’s faces.  No, America knows how to do it- you take one part “I love you man,” three parts “AC/DC is the BEST FUCKING BAND EVER” and about twenty parts alcohol.  But as we drink, we’re often faced with a very serious problem- drowsiness.  Alcohol is a depressant, and it can make you go from alert to passed out in a fairly short time.

He knew the risks

To quote the famous Senator, Tim Calhoun, “Sometimes you want to stay up and party, and the cocaine really helps you do that.”  But Cocaine is illegal (which isn’t that big of a deal) and not made in America (which is a big deal) and also doesn’t mix well with alcohol (…probably?) so American ingenuity came up with the brilliant principle…just add caffeine to the booze!  It’s so simple!  Rum and cokes were soon replaced by more potent mixtures, like Red Bulls and Vodka,s until they finally gave way to the most glorious alcoholic caffeinated concoction in American history…

May cause hallucinations

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America Fun Fact of the Day 5/29- May 29th in American History

“Who else is ready for Memorial Day weekend?  Alright, just do one of those lazy ‘This Day in American History’ things.”

~AFFotD’s Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

As we prepare for our hyper-American Memorial Day barbeque, where we basically replace charcoal with Bacardi 151 while swapping out hamburgers and hog dogs with…well, just larger version of hot dogs and hamburgers because you can’t get much more American than grilled hamburger and hot dogs, we like to take quiet reflection on this day that has, in the past, been a Memorial Day in its own right (maybe).

Anyway, we are just going to ramble off some things that happened today, okay?

Today’s American day in American history

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