“HOLY SHIT WHAT THE HOLY WHAT!?”
~America
As you know, it’s Saturday. It’s a pretty good day, and literally slightly less than three dozen of you are turning here, asking, “Where can I get a picture to properly show my America feelings.”
Well, it’s not like we can give you a photo of a bald eagle with a goddamn blackbird riding it like a youtube video of an SUV being Ghostridden or….
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
AMERICA IS SO GREAT!
Have a great weekend everyone.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged America, Bird, Bladckbird, Eagle, Saturday Image of the Week
“My life was basically a Steven Segal film.”
~Buford Pusser’s Ghost
There is a science to naming your child that most responsible (read as: not currently addicted to Meth) parents have to utilize when they welcome a new American to their family. Kids can be, and how do we put this delicately…massive doucheholes, so you want to avoid giving your child a name that can easily be turned into an effectively derisive taunt. For example, John Harden is a perfectly sensible name to have. But if you name you child Richard Harden, you better not give him the nickname of “Dick.”
“Tee hee why not name him Hard Cock and get it over with?”
However, every once in a while, giving your child an incredibly-easy-to-make-fun-of name is a way to ensure he grows to be an unmitigated American badass. We call this the Boy Named Sue Property, which seems pretty for a man with such a ridiculous name as Buford Pusser, since here’s a picture of him with Johnny Cash.
That’s right, Buford Pusser, which sounds more like an insulting slur than a full name, is a man so badass that he arrested more people in his life than the amount of sandwiches most Americans consume in a single lifetime. And America fucking loves sandwiches.
And who can blame us?
Posted in The Best of the Rest
Tagged America, Burford Pusser, Corvette, Johnny Cash, Walking Tall
“Jack Thompson is a douchetard”
~Absolutely Everyone
The America Fun Fact of the Day office takes pride in showing the best and brightest of America. When our readers see these tales of past and present heroes, we like to think they strive to be better Americans, to grab life by the horns, go down swinging, and various other clichés. Early bird gets the worm. Whatever.
And while it’s easy to look at shining beacons of American hope, we often overlook the sinkholes in our society. Unfortunately, for every Abraham Lincoln, there is a John Wileks Booth. For every FDR, there’s a Snookie. For every Jack Kerouac, there is a hungover America Fun Fact of the Day writer making a cheap Jersey Shore joke that will read as gibberish in five years. To truly see our own greatness, we have to see how we, as a nation, deal with punk ass idiots.
Jack Thompson is one of those punk ass idiots.
“It, um, well it is…pretty nice.”
~President Barack Obama
While we in the America Fun Fact of the Day offices prefer to talk about historical American buildings that look like genitalia, there are certain buildings that define America, even if they don’t like anything funny. Well, granted, the Capital building sort of looks like a boob if you squint at it…
…heh…heh…
…but one of the most iconic buildings in America is, and always will be, The White House, the home of America’s president, and likely the origin of the term, “Papa gets swag.”
Posted in The Other Guys
Tagged America, Barack Obama, First Kid, James Hoban, John F. Kennedy, President, Richie Rich, Sinbad, Thomas Jefferson, War of 1812, White House
“BLAH BLAH RAPTURE BLAH BLAH MAYAN CALANDERRRRR”
~Uh…2012?
We’ve been hearing a lot of talk that the Rapture is upon us, that the Mayans are going to turn the world into quicksand or something, or dozens of other theories about the world’s inevitable demise. And as we can see from this picture above which we’re pretty sure is the ending of the movie Ghost, some of these potential End of Days scenarios will involve a lot of American citizens left behind by a vengeful God to fend for themselves. But really, is it a sin to drink a bathtub of whiskey every day? Is it? No, we’re seriously asking, whenever we pick up a bible it leaves third degree burns on our hands. Not because we’re anti-Christ-y, we just tend to have pretty violently strong allergic reactions to long words. Someone once tried to make Johnny Roosevelt read the word “perspicacious” and his body started swelling like a bubble-gum obsessed girl who got on Willy Wonka’s bad side.
…Kirstie Alley?
“But AFFotD,” you might be saying, “Stop talking about how you can’t read the Bible. We’re horrible sinners, and if there’s a Rapture, we’re going to be stuck on Earth. There’s only so many shotgun shells and Phil Collins CDs in the world, and besides Skeet shooting gets old pretty fast. What are we supposed to do with ourselves when we’re not out defiling churches and installing voyeuristic cameras in attractive womens’ bathrooms?”
To you, hypothetically creepy reader, we’d first say, calm the fuck down and learn some manners. We didn’t interrupt you, no wonder you’re going to hell.
And to answer your question, it’s quite simple really. When you find yourself facing the end of days, after you’re done aggressively masturbating while sobbing, “No hope, no hope…” you’re going to want to take advantage of the unique situation that you’re finding yourself in. Being left behind is no picnic…it’s a fucking 24 hour party.
But first, you have do so much looting. That’s why we’re here to present you with.
The Official AFFotD Guide to Looting
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, America's Greatest Fun Facts
Tagged 3D TV, Alcohol, America, Avatar, Bible, Boondock Saints, Christopher Walken, Deer Hunter, Elvis, Ghost, Gin, ipad, Jason Bourne, Johnny Roosevelt, Kirstie Alley, Left Behind, Man vs. Wild, Mayans, Phil Collins, Quicksand, Rapture, Rum, Skeet Shooting, The Rapture, vodka, Wal-Mart, Will Wonka
“The best way to get hired is to be drunk and illiterate.”
~Warren Buffett
The past few years have been a rough time for those seeking employment in America. We know that we at the AFFotD offices sometimes have been guilty of rubbing in our plush jobs in the faces of normal Americans looking for work. While they’re left subsiding on Ramen noodles cooked in whiskey instead of water (admit it, you’re both disgusted by and curious about how that would taste once you heard about it) we’re bragging about our Condor egg omlettes and our totally ironic consumption of Whiskeyed Ramen.
Like this, only it actually can get us drunk
But despite our cushy job, which includes the actual captain’s chair from Star Trek that we take turns sitting in (the chair itself? Not so cushy) we do sympathize with the plight of those Americans currently hunting for jobs. Which is why we’re here to salute the most American resumes from Americans who clearly didn’t give a shit.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged America, Funny Resumes, Jay Leno, Recession, Resume, Star Trek, Warren Buffett
“A million thumbs up!”
~A drunken Roger Ebert
Entertainment is always crafted with a certain audience in mind. Joss Whedon creates TV shows and films to cater to feminists and nerds. Michael Bay makes films for people who hate coherent plots but love boobs and bombs. Ever since 2002, M. Night Shyamalan has been making films intended for recent stroke victims.
“Is that my daughter on the television tube?”
However, there is a special subset of films that are occasionally released that the AFFotD staff loves the most. Obviously, these would be movies meant for true Americans. While these movies are often properly lauded, occasionally they slip through the cracks, and instead of sweeping the Oscars get mediocre reviews from critics, despite being badass enough to warrant a “probably won’t be that good” remake.
We’re of course talking about the film Red Dawn, which will be reviewed in today’s issue of…
AFFotD’s Night at the Movies
Wolverines!
“No more rhymes, now, I mean it.”
“Anyone want a peanut?”
“GAH!”
~Seriously you guys, how good was The Princess Bride?
We at the AFFotD offices often have to swallow quite a modicum of our pride when we’re encountered by foreigners who accomplish American deeds. After all, you don’t have to be a born American to become a governor of one of the nation’s most populous states. Or to knock up the help. So that’s why, when we were watching The Princess Bride in our weekly “watching a chick flick that is actually totally acceptable to watch” night, we figured it was time that we gave proper deference to a Frenchmananoghieipghepwaighpae.
Sorry, the temp we had typing that spontaneously combusted- we have our keyboard wired to set fire whenever something positive is said about people from that…F country. But yes, we’re here to salute Andre the Giant, who did enough amazing American things in American, that we posthumously have declared him an American. Because we’re running out of interns to explode, and we want to take credit for him. So from now on, his birth will be described in “Georgia” instead of “Grenoble, France.” Because you have no idea how much Andre the Giant could drink.
Posted in Athletes, Drinkers, France
Tagged Alcohol, America, Andre the Giant, Andre the Giant has a Posse, Hulk Hogan, Killer Khan, Obama, Princess Bride, Wrestling
“Fr33 V1agrA l0w p4armas21cal pr1c3s!s!!!!!!!”
~The Internet
America is a well oiled machine fueled by skepticism. When we see a homeless person aggressively panhandling on the street we assume, rightly or wrongly, that the person does not deserve our hard earned money, since they’ll just spend that money on drugs. Besides, we’re in a rush and that quart of vodka is not going to buy itself, now is it?
We Americans are a cautious people, many of us so jaded that you can try for a lifetime and never earn our trust. This is part of what makes America great, and it’s directly responsible for our world power. When the 1930s came around, did we “let bygones be bygones” and start trusting Germany, or attempt to ally with Germany? Hell no, we thought, “wait, this looks familiar…hmm…” Well, except for, like, Walt Disney and Henry Ford.
How do we keep our healthy level of wary suspicion going so strong? What enables us to write our children out of our will because we’re like 75% sure that they sided with their mother during the divorce proceedings? Where do we find the strength and courage to speed past a car with a flat tire during a rainstorm because of that one time where we heard someone getting murdered like that?
Spam, that’s how. Every day, our inboxes are flooded with hollow, empty promises, and the constant inundation of these penile enlargement offers or attractive girls who like to take off their clothes if you click this suspicious looking link. Though we suppose if you trained yourself to think that pop-up windows were boobs, your computer would then be like, just so many boobs you guys. Spam is named after the Spam Monty Python skit, which while not technically American, is still actually pretty damn cool. Surprisingly, America is not the leading source of spam messages- with an estimated 6.6 trillion spam emails originating in the U.S., we trail Brazil’s 7.7 trillion spam messages, which ranks right up there with the fact that the first Heisman Trophy winner played at University of Chicago as one of the all time, “holy hell, I did not expect that to be the case” random factoids.
“More like Machu…PEE-chew. Yeah. Shut up, it’s funny.”
~Hiram Bingham III
Whats the most American academic pursuit? When that question was posed to our AFFotD staff, we had a bevy of responses. “Business and greed!” Michael Douglass offered. “Law, like in my current film, The Lincoln Lawyer,” Matthew McConaughey said before we kicked him out of the offices and asked security what the hell he was doing there. “Titties!” Johnny Knoxville shouted before stapling a dollar bill to his forehead while we all laughed and nodded approvingly.
The actual answer to this question came as a shock to many. “Anthropology,” resident helicopter pilot/alien hunter Harrison Ford said from the back of the room. We all looked back at him, and there’s a distinctive mumble. “What the hell is that?” someone asks. “Gayyyyy,” the guy whose job is to say “gayyy” after everything he doesn’t agree with said (we hired him back in 1998… it was a…well, a different time back then). At that point, Ford took out his hat and whip, and we all went, “ohhhhh, the Indiana Jones profession. Yeah, good answer, good answer.” Like it was fucking Family Feud.
It was at this point that we took out a book on a man who was a real life Indiana Jones, or at least the Anthropologist who discovered the shit out of a mysteriously dead civilization. We won’t even hold it against him that he was born in Hawaii. That man was Hiram Bingham III.
America Fun Fact of the Day 