The Man Who Got Three DUI’s in Three Days

Posted on June 21, 2011 | 2 comments

“Spicer Breeden!  Ain’t got shit!  On me!”

~Timothy James McGowan


We get a lot of flak from public interest groups about our relatively “lax” drunk driving standards (we may or may not have installed Breathalyzers in staff members’ cars that won’t let them start up unless they have a BAC higher than .05).  We understand that it’s not a particularly popular subject for a lot of people, and we begrudgingly cede the point that our cartoon series, Billy the Buzzed Driver and his Bizarre Adventures, might glamorize drunk driving to children.

Slightly more controversial still would be our “Elmo’ll Getchya Drunk Variety Hour”

So we have to point out, getting drunk and then stepping behind the wheel is dangerous, and can harm or even kill not only yourself, but innocent strangers.  That being said, when the worst case scenario doesn’t happen, we think we’re totally within our right to make fun of it in a “Holy shit, how drunk was that driver!?” sort of way.

Which brings us to Timothy James McGowan.

Hey look it’s Kevin Pollak’s younger brother

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Posted in Drunk People

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AFFotD’s News Item of the Month: What the Fuck, Japan?

Posted on June 20, 2011 | 5 comments

“Goddamn it Japan, you’re DOING IT WRONG!”

~America Fun Fact of the Day


Every once in a while, the man who we hired to read news stories out loud to us (because…reading?  Eww) comes across something shocking, disturbing, and downright terrifying.  We don’t know what these stories are going to be, but we have expectations for worst case scenarios.  For example, there could be a report about state banning liquor.  Maybe an article about people turning poop into beef.  Or, God forbid, a story about parasites live in potato chips and cause your face to melt.

Of course, we never run into anything like…wait.  What?

…No…

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Oh God no, no nooooooooo.

Don’t make us do it… Don’t make us make this…

AFFotD’s News Item of the Month

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America Fun Fact of the Day 6/19- June 19th in American History

Posted on June 19, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Yeah, the…uh, God, what’s the word…day in history thing?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

A band named after what we put in our coffee once stated, hot time, summer in the city.  While you may not be living in a city right now, you are part of the grant giant city known as…America.  That’s all we got, though.  Sure it seems kind of tenuous, but still, here is…

Today’s American Day in History (America Edition)

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America Fun Fact of the Day 6/18- Saturday Image of the Week

Posted on June 18, 2011 | Leave a comment

“HOLY SHIT WHAT THE HOLY WHAT!?”

~America

As you know, it’s Saturday.  It’s a pretty good day, and literally slightly less than three dozen of you are turning here, asking, “Where can I get a picture to properly show my America feelings.”

Well, it’s not like we can give you a photo of a bald eagle with a goddamn blackbird riding it like a youtube video of an SUV being Ghostridden or….

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

AMERICA IS SO GREAT!

Have a great weekend everyone.

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Buford Pusser is Walking Tall

Posted on June 17, 2011 | Leave a comment

“My life was basically a Steven Segal film.”

~Buford Pusser’s Ghost

There is a science to naming your child that most responsible (read as: not currently addicted to Meth) parents have to utilize when they welcome a new American to their family.  Kids can be, and how do we put this delicately…massive doucheholes, so you want to avoid giving your child a name that can easily be turned into an effectively derisive taunt.  For example, John Harden is a perfectly sensible name to have.  But if you name you child Richard Harden, you better not give him the nickname of “Dick.”

“Tee hee why not name him Hard Cock and get it over with?”

However, every once in a while, giving your child an incredibly-easy-to-make-fun-of name is a way to ensure he grows to be an unmitigated American badass.  We call this the Boy Named Sue Property, which seems pretty for a man with such a ridiculous name as Buford Pusser, since here’s a picture of him with Johnny Cash.

That’s right, Buford Pusser, which sounds more like an insulting slur than a full name, is a man so badass that he arrested more people in his life than the amount of sandwiches most Americans consume in a single lifetime.  And America fucking loves sandwiches.

And who can blame us?

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The Jack Thompson in Today’s Fun Fact is a Fictional Satirical Persona Due to Legal Reasons

Posted on June 16, 2011 | 3 comments

“Jack Thompson is a douchetard”

~Absolutely Everyone

The America Fun Fact of the Day office takes pride in showing the best and brightest of America.  When our readers see these tales of past and present heroes, we like to think they strive to be better Americans, to grab life by the horns, go down swinging, and various other clichés.  Early bird gets the worm.  Whatever.

And while it’s easy to look at shining beacons of American hope, we often overlook the sinkholes in our society.  Unfortunately, for every Abraham Lincoln, there is a John Wileks Booth.  For every FDR, there’s a Snookie.  For every Jack Kerouac, there is a hungover America Fun Fact of the Day writer making a cheap Jersey Shore joke that will read as gibberish in five years.  To truly see our own greatness, we have to see how we, as a nation, deal with punk ass idiots.

Jack Thompson is one of those punk ass idiots.

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Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts

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The White House

Posted on June 15, 2011 | 29 comments

“It, um, well it is…pretty nice.”

~President Barack Obama

 

While we in the America Fun Fact of the Day offices prefer to talk about historical American buildings that look like genitalia, there are certain buildings that define America, even if they don’t like anything funny.  Well, granted, the Capital building sort of looks like a boob if you squint at it…

…heh…heh…

 …but one of the most iconic buildings in America is, and always will be, The White House, the home of America’s president, and likely the origin of the term, “Papa gets swag.”

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Posted in The Other Guys

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The Rapture’s Guide to Looting

Posted on June 14, 2011 | 8 comments

“BLAH BLAH RAPTURE BLAH BLAH MAYAN CALANDERRRRR”

~Uh…2012?

 

We’ve been hearing a lot of talk that the Rapture is upon us, that the Mayans are going to turn the world into quicksand or something, or dozens of other theories about the world’s inevitable demise.  And as we can see from this picture above which we’re pretty sure is the ending of the movie Ghost, some of these potential End of Days scenarios will involve a lot of American citizens left behind by a vengeful God to fend for themselves.  But really, is it a sin to drink a bathtub of whiskey every day?  Is it?  No, we’re seriously asking, whenever we pick up a bible it leaves third degree burns on our hands.  Not because we’re anti-Christ-y, we just tend to have pretty violently strong allergic reactions to long words.  Someone once tried to make Johnny Roosevelt read the word “perspicacious” and his body started swelling like a bubble-gum obsessed girl who got on Willy Wonka’s bad side.

…Kirstie Alley?

“But AFFotD,” you might be saying, “Stop talking about how you can’t read the Bible.  We’re horrible sinners, and if there’s a Rapture, we’re going to be stuck on Earth.  There’s only so many shotgun shells and Phil Collins CDs in the world, and besides Skeet shooting gets old pretty fast.  What are we supposed to do with ourselves when we’re not out defiling churches and installing voyeuristic cameras in attractive womens’ bathrooms?”

To you, hypothetically creepy reader, we’d first say, calm the fuck down and learn some manners.  We didn’t interrupt you, no wonder you’re going to hell.

And to answer your question, it’s quite simple really.  When you find yourself facing the end of days, after you’re done aggressively masturbating while sobbing, “No hope, no hope…” you’re going to want to take advantage of the unique situation that you’re finding yourself in.  Being left behind is no picnic…it’s a fucking 24 hour party.

But first, you have do so much looting.  That’s why we’re here to present you with.

The Official AFFotD Guide to Looting

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Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, America's Greatest Fun Facts

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America’s Greatest Resumes

Posted on June 13, 2011 | Leave a comment

“The best way to get hired is to be drunk and illiterate.”

~Warren Buffett

The past few years have been a rough time for those seeking employment in America.  We know that we at the AFFotD offices sometimes have been guilty of rubbing in our plush jobs in the faces of normal Americans looking for work.  While they’re left subsiding on Ramen noodles cooked in whiskey instead of water (admit it, you’re both disgusted by and curious about how that would taste once you heard about it) we’re bragging about our Condor egg omlettes and our totally ironic consumption of Whiskeyed Ramen.

Like this, only it actually can get us drunk

But despite our cushy job, which includes the actual captain’s chair from Star Trek that we take turns sitting in (the chair itself?  Not so cushy) we do sympathize with the plight of those Americans currently hunting for jobs.  Which is why we’re here to salute the most American resumes from Americans who clearly didn’t give a shit.

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AFFotD’s Review of “Red Dawn”

Posted on June 12, 2011 | 4 comments

“A million thumbs up!”

~A drunken Roger Ebert

Entertainment is always crafted with a certain audience in mind.  Joss Whedon creates TV shows and films to cater to feminists and nerds.  Michael Bay makes films for people who hate coherent plots but love boobs and bombs.  Ever since 2002, M. Night Shyamalan has been making films intended for recent stroke victims.

“Is that my daughter on the television tube?”

However, there is a special subset of films that are occasionally released that the AFFotD staff loves the most.  Obviously, these would be movies meant for true Americans.  While these movies are often properly lauded, occasionally they slip through the cracks, and instead of sweeping the Oscars get mediocre reviews from critics, despite being badass enough to warrant a “probably won’t be that good” remake.

We’re of course talking about the film Red Dawn, which will be reviewed in today’s issue of…

AFFotD’s Night at the Movies

Wolverines!

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Posted in The Rest of Them

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