“Good Friday doesn’t count THAT much, does it?”
~Jesus
As we saw in yesterday’s post, there are a surprising amount of Holidays that occur throughout America, ranging from “Well that’s just stupid” to “Oh I guess I’ve heard of that.” In honor of this week being the week of America’s fucking birthday, we’re continuing our five part feature on Holidays in America. Continuing onward…
“Who even gives a shit about August 26th being Women’s Equality Day, huh? What kind of bullshit is that?
~National Dog Day, which occurs on August 26th
As we saw in yesterday’s Fun Fact, Holidays are pretty cool. Even the lame holidays are fine in our book, so long as we get a day off from them. However, there are many holidays in America that you can get the day off in certain parts of the country, but not everywhere else, mainly because Alabama wants to act all douchey by giving a day off for “Confederacy Day.”
Yeah, that makes sense. “Oh, we lost a war, let’s reward ourselves with a day off from school.” That’d be like England taking a day off to celebrate losing the Revolutionary War, only the Brits would at least have the good sense to call it the, “Oh Blimey, We Bollocks Up the Wanker With This One” Day or whatever the fuck because everything that British people say sounds fucking ridiculous.
“Oh I hobgobbed the wobbler in the lift with the wassbots, blah blah Fish and Chips.” We’re pretty sure she just ordered a bomb strike on Grenada with that sentence.
With that in mind, AFFotD is here to continue our discussion of American Holidays, with a look at some of the more tenuous excuses to give people a day off from school around the nation. This list, as always will be in order of least American to most American. Continue reading
“Two days off in a row is sort of cutting it a little close, though…”
~Still your boss
As we discussed in yesterday’s fun fact, this week will be devoted to discussing the importance of Holidays in American culture. We’re going to keep that going today with the most American Federal Holidays that you don’t have to go to work for, because America’s got your back.
“…I actually like holidays a bit myself.”
~Your boss
Back in the 2004, as we were relishing in the early-mid-aughties, a song came out that had lyrics we found particularly inspiring. “It’s so much better on holiday/ that’s why we only work/ when we need the money.” These American words, written by Franz Ferdinand (oh shit wait they’re from Glasgow, uh, shit shit uh, how about…) AC/DC really sum up the mindset of a nation that founded by a holiday (the 4th of July) and uses holidays to celebrate everything from the brutal subjugation of asshole natives who were acting like they owned the land they had lived on for generations (Columbus Day) to the brutal subjugation of asshole natives who had the audacity to try to tell us how to grow corn (Thanksgiving). You stick the seed in the ground, we’re pretty sure we can take it from here, now give us New York please.
Yeah that’s about right
Of course, the origins of holidays have very little to do with their American purpose. Cinco De Mayo used to be a mild celebration over a battle that the Mexican army won in 1862, but now it’s a way for us to celebrate getting drunk on Tequila while letting American school children worry school officials by wearing in-your-face American flag paraphernalia. In the long run, if it gets us out of work, or school, we don’t really care too much about the origin of holidays. Non-Christians that complain about the fact that they “have” to take a day off of work on Christmas are the grown-up equivalent of the nerdy kid in school who demands that the teacher give the class a pop quiz. No one has ever liked them, because they’re annoying, now take your free day and like it.
Or else
So with that in mind, and in honor of today being the Fourth of July, this week AFFotD will present for you a a week devoted to the discussion of the American qualities of each Holiday. We’re here to start with every Federal (ie, public offices are closed by it) holiday, and rank them in terms of their Americanness, from worst to first.
Posted in America's Holidays
Tagged A Week of Holidays, AC/DC, America, Booze, Chaz Bono, Chris Pen, Cinco de Mayo, Columbus Day, Federal Holidays, Fourth of July, Franz Ferdinand, Holiday, Holidays, Inauguration Day, July 4th, Labor Day, New Year's, New York, POTUS, Thanksgiving, Whiskey
“You want us to do a fun fact? We’re too busy getting the ambulances on stand-by for when we celebrate July 4th, dammit.”
~AFFotD staff
As the cases of beers in your fridge and the excessive amounts of meat in your freezers are now doubt telling you, tomorrow is the goddamned 4th of July. You’re going to be drunk on beer, fireworks, and more beer. We will too. The difference is that we love to pregame. So we’re just going to bide our tie with…
Today’s American Day in American History (America Edition)
“Yeah, that’s pretty cool I guess.”
~Johnny Roosevelt
There was a news story this week about how someone hella overpaid for the only verified pictures of Billy he Kid. You mainly know of this guy because Robert Redford made him seem really cool. Anyway, it was supposed to sell for$300,000 bu instead it went for over two million. Why? Because America loves overpaying for useless nostalgic bullshit.
Have a good weekend everybody.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged America, Auction, Billy the Kid, Saturday Image of the Week
“Why not just inject whiskey infused lard in me and get it over with you American bastard?”
~Your Arteries
When we asked John Goodman, AFFotD’s Food Critic and resident Dunkin’ Donut demander, what would be the most absurdly American breakfast item he could think of, he said, “Shit, I don’t know, maybe like a 14 inch pancake that’s made with a can of PBR…oh you son of a bitch, that exists doesn’t it?” You know how this game is played, of course it fucking does. When we asked him the follow up of how that can be made even more American he said, “Having an eating contest of…oh goddamn it, really?”
Yes. Really.
That is why we are here to celebrate and report on the amazing feats of this insane Tempe, Arizona restaurant with our report on the giant beer pancake that can only be finished by men in Mexican wrestling masks. Seriously.
“Como se dice OM NOM NOM”
Posted in Beer!
Tagged Alcoholics, America, Bacon, Beer, Breakfast, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Pancakes, PBR, PBR Pancakes
“Something something FUCKING GOLDEN amiright?”
~60% of Late Night jokes in December 2008
If a self-important politician with a Napoleon complex, incredibly inflated self-esteem, and the propensity to swear like a motherfucking sailor becomes a public figure, the only reason we wouldn’t write about him is if we couldn’t find any stories about him drinking excessively. But hey, if the sucker is going to jail we should probably talk about him.
That’s right, the man who we’d call “Fucking golden,” if it weren’t such an overused joke that it makes Charlie Sheen seem timely, Rob Blagojevich.
“Liiick”
Posted in The Best of the Rest
Tagged America, Blago, Blagojevich, Charlie Sheen, Napoleon
“[REDACTED] has been getting a free pass for far too long. He fled our confines and how did we reward him? We let him eat incredibly unhealthy pizza. It has been affecting morale in the office, so we are going to make that fucker watch some Women’s World Cup Soccer.”
~Official AFFotD Memo, June 28th
As a longtime contributor, occasional hostage-situation describer, and our only investigative journalist, [REDACTED] is a fixture in the AFFotD offices in the same way our water pipes are. That is to say, sure, they have lead, we want to get rid of them, but goddamn it it’s tough to get yourself motivated to put forth effort after your sixth Wednesday afternoon scotch and soda. So, as per the official Memo sent to our office just yesterday, the powers that be have decided that it’s about time that [REDACTED] have to deal with some shit he won’t like. We’re no longer letting him coast by on wild nights out or pizza binges, we’re going to actually make him write up on America based topics that the rest of the staff wouldn’t want to touch with a ten foot pole.
That’s right. Women’s Soccer. Ugh. The hell is this bullshit? That’s what [REDACTED] is going to have to figure out as we send him out to do a report on the first round of the Women’s World Cup (there’s a Women’s World Cup now?) between USA (USA! USA!) and North Korea (…ha)
[REDACTED] is Forced to Watch a Women’s Competitive Soccer Match
Posted in North Korea, [REDACTED]
Tagged 2011 Women's World Cup, America, Basketball, Brandi Chastain, Carrie Bradshaw, Carrot Top, espn, Football, Jeff Carlisle, Jennie Finch, Johnny Roosevelt, Kim Jong Il, Korea, North Korea, North Korean Team, Olympics, pig dog, Pitch, Pizza Binges, Redacted, Round 1 Match Between USA and North Korea, Scotch, Scotch and Soda, Sealy, Sealy Mattress, Soccer, Terry Bradshaw, USA, Vuvuzula, WNBA
“Our locksmith is so fired.”
~Johnny Roosevelt
Okay, well that at least has been sorted out. Finally. Took a few days, but the AFFotD offices are 100% hostage-takers-free. We’ve even cleaned up the Ukrainian Blood. Do you know how hard Ukrainian blood is to get out? So hard.
Obviously, many readers were quite worried a few days ago when we posted a desperate plea for help from the staff’s broom closet (it’s the most American broom closet you can imagine. The mop bucket uses bourbon instead of water) letting you all know that we had, yet again, been kidnapped by some God. Damn. Ukrainians.
Gone were our attack monkeys (fuck you, PETA), gone were our chainsaw-nun-chucks (stupid government regulations), gone were our automated defense systems (…actually that was our bad, we totally forgot to pay the electricity bill last month).
All we had were our wits. Well, that and an army of nameless interns to send on suicidal missions. Their screams will haunt us for the rest of our days.
We’re still trying to get things back to operational capacity here, but we did have a few of our more semi-literate staff members describing their experience as it was happening through various journal entries. We know, ugh, that’s just the fucking worst. So here is…
AFFotD Staff Members Write About Their Feelings and Shit, When Shit Gets Real
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged America, Bourbon, Fire, Hostage, Idaho, Intern, Johnny Roosevelt, Kidnapping, Red Lobster, Redacted
America Fun Fact of the Day 