America Fun Fact of the Day

America Fun Fact of the day 7/16- Saturday Image of the Week

Posted on July 16, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Let’s find a picture like Jaws, only…you know, crocodiles. Wait, you can do that?”

~AFFotD Editor-in Chief Johnny Roosevelt

The Saturday Image of the Week is something our readers have learned to appreciate and cherish. But sometimes, we just want to scare the shit out of you. So here we go, America. This is how big Crocodiles can get. Fuck nature.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Paul Bergrin Was The Lawyer On The Wire

Posted on July 15, 2011 | Leave a comment

“I’m so glad I mandated that the whole staff had to watch the complete series of The Wire.”

~Tom Selleck, AFFotD TV Critic

Illustrations by Jesse Lenz because dayumnnnn

Lawyers, especially defense attorneys, tend to get a bad rap. In a scientific study of five random people outside our offices, 60% of America’s population believe that there are more lawyer jokes than Hellen Keller, dead baby, and Polish jokes combined. The rest of America is evenly split between “Can I get some money for some booze” and “Aren’t you those assholes that keep making ungodly noises from the building all night long?”

What’s wrong with that? This is the way we unwind a the end of a long day.

But really, is that fair? It’s not like we have defense attorneys in, say, Jersey just running around, supervising prostitution rings and arranging for witness’s murders or anything…ohhhhhh.

Yeah Paul Bergrin was basically the lawyer in the wire.

…Huh

Continue reading →

Posted in The Best of the Rest

Tagged America, CSI, David Caruso, Hellen Keller, Jesse LEnz, Maurice Levy, Paul Bergrin, Tom Selleck

[REDACTED] Live-Blogs The WWC USA vs. France Semifinal Match

Posted on July 14, 2011 | 3 comments

“…Holy shit, this thing is popular now? Oh no…you’re…not again…”

~[REDACTED]

When we had our notorious undercover journalist, [REDACTED], do a play-by-play commentary of the U.S. Women’s World Cup match against North Korea, we were doing it to fuck with him. Call us sadistic bastards (God knows [REDACTED] does) but we wanted to see him squirm. North Korea’s women looked like men. Our women, though American and thus blessed with both outer and inner beauty, were forced to play a sport that we’re pretty sure was invented by amputees. An average AFFotD staffer’s response to watching a soccer match is to shout, “JUST PICK IT UP WITH YOUR DAMN HANDS IT’D BE SUCH A COMPETITIVE ADVANTAGE!” We know so little about soccer that the first time someone in the office used the word “Pelé” we honestly thought they were saying in very rudimentary terms that they wanted to pay for sex.

…Get it? Pay lay? See that’s the problem, we know so little about soccer that Dane Cook could conceivably write a better informed soccer joke. Maybe. Well, not Dane Cook, but you get the idea.

“Ha, so, like, I was having SEXUAL INTERCOURSE with a FAIR MAIDEN and something something RED CARD!” Seriously though, remember 2007 when Dane Cook was a movie actor? Yeah we blocked that from our memories too.+

Of course, our mockery of the Women’s World Cup totally changed this past Sunday when America decided to wow the shit out of everyone with an engaging, dramatic, and stressful shoot out victory against Brazil. We learned a few things. First of all, America is going to give a shit about soccer for the next week or so. Secondly, the Women’s team is gloriously American, right down to the player who sang “Born in the USA” into a stadium microphone after scoring a goal. And additionally, and this is important everyone, Hope Solo is incredibly attractive. Hot athletes are a game changer. And Hope Solo is a glorious beacon of America.

And with that, America breathes a contented sigh.

America’s ADD-riddled minds have been captivated by this spunky collection of beautiful yet powerful athletes, and goofy but endearing role players. Women that will settle for nothing less than victory for America. So, we locked [REDACTED] back in the TV closet to give us a running commentary on yesterday’s World Cup Semifinal match between Hope Solo and Friends Team USA and… THE FRENCH. Goddamn French!

3 Comments

Posted in France, [REDACTED]

Tagged Abby Wambach, America, France, Hope Solo, North Korea, Redacted, Shawshank Redemption, Soccer, Sonia bompastor, Sonny Corleone, Team USA, Tim Robbins, Women's World Cup

Another Look Into America’s Craziest Fried Foods

Posted on July 13, 2011 | 7 comments

“MOAR.”

~John Goodman

Several months ago, AFFotD risks arterial integrity to inform you, the hopefully soon-to-be-morbidly-obese American, about the glory that is unhealthy, generally Deep-Fried Carnival food. And while this list did help cover the basics, such as telling you about hamburgers with Deep-Fried doughnuts instead of buns, as well as creating a few butter fetishists out there, we feel that our list was missing a few key Deep-Fried components.

Yes that is a Deep-Fried shoe.

As summer makes a point to cover Americans in a fine sheen of sweat, Americans make it their duty to ensure that this sweat will be at least 75% grease. AFFotD can feel your pain, as all too often do Americans accidentally mistake baby carrots for Cheetos and consume their yearly allotment of vegetables (read as: One vegetable is too much). And for every time you’ve been tricked into drinking fruit and vegetable juice by the evil V8 corporation, we at AFFotD make it our duty to make sure you can balance that shit out with food items so unhealthy that heart attacks don’t even eat them, saying, “Woah there, that’s a bit too rich for my tastes.”

To which a true American of course would respond, “OM NOM NOM, belch” to the following foods.

7 Comments

Posted in Fried Foods

Tagged America, butter, Carnival Food, cracked, Deep Fried Butter, deep fried kool-aid, deep-fried jam sandwiches, deep-fried twinkies, Doughnuts, Fried Food, Inception, John Goodman, Kool-aid, Nancy Kerrigan, peanut butter, smuckers, The Ring, twinkies, uncrustables

Wherein AFFotD Declares A Blog War Against A Pandemic Foe, Who Doth Dare Assert That America Is Doomed

Posted on July 12, 2011 | 6 comments

“Boys, get out your phallus thesaurus, we got ourselves a good old-fashioned blog fight!”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

America Fun Fact of the Day prides itself as being an apolitical entity. Sure, we’ll rip on Jimmy Carter, but really, who gives a shit about Jimmy Carter? We also rip on Richard Nixon because we’re pretty sure he tried to coax us into the back of a van with candy one time. We don’t talk about George Bush other than to point out that, surprisingly, Dick Cheney was not one of America’s ugliest vice-presidents, and we don’t talk about Barack Obama other than to point out that motherfucker is brewing beer and that’s kind of awesome. But when actual politics come into the fold, we like to sit on the sideline. Honestly, if you belong to a particular political party, we don’t really care unless you threaten to take away our booze or say shit against America. Oh, and we have issues with PETA, but they don’t count.

Seriously, how can a protest campaign ONLY center around naked women and mutilated animals? How does that make sense?

So when it comes to strong political ideals, we don’t really get the point. The only difference between a tax cut and a tax hike is a bottle of whiskey and a drunken competitive game of skee ball. We feel the need to point out that we have no liberal agenda, and no conservative agenda, and we go so far out of our way to avoid taking sides on hot topic issues that we won’t even make jokes about abortions, since both sides react to those by throwing eggs at us, and we hate having to clean our fucking walls.

Why are we going out of the way to point out how politically neutral we are? Because we’re going to direct our editorial, American venom towards a left-wing blog. “Oh, AFFotD, that’s not cool, why would you pick on a Liberal blog? There are insane Conservative blogs all over, saying all sorts of inflammatory shit.” We know, dear reader, we understand your trepidation. But you should know what this blog is called.

That’s right.

America Doomed.

Aww HELL no! We’re ready to go all Mike Adams on your headass. The gloves are off. This is America we’re talking about, we need to defend it from eunuchs like this.

6 Comments

Posted in The Rest of Them

Tagged America, America is Doomed, Barack Obama, BLOG WAR!, BLOG WARRRRR, Buffalo Bill, Democrat, Dick Cheney, Freelance Journalist, George Bush, Jeffrey Dahmer, Jimmy Carter, Johnny Roosevelt, Medieval Times, PETA, Republican, Richard Nixon, Skee Ball, Starquakes, The Love Guru, Twilight, Whiskey

Appendectomies, the American Surgery

Posted on July 11, 2011 | 2 comments

“I got this cool scar, AND I get to miss a week of school.”

~Oh, no one you’ve heard of. Just Bart Motherfucking Simpson

Everyone is born with extra parts added to their body. Americans have a secondary liver that primarily filters out bourbon and whiskey. Canadians have a gland that makes their names legally have to be “Rupert.” French people are born with tails. Many of these extra, generally nation-specific, extra pieces have their value (Canadians like the name “Rupert” as it is bland and unthreatening, American’s need to get drunk more, and it’s always good to be reminded that French people are rats). But every once in a while, humans are born with pointless junk that we just don’t need. Wisdom teeth, nose hair, elbows, all of these just get in the way of important things like eating, smelling, and rolling down hills.

“DAMN YOU EVOLUTION!”

Of all these useless digits and doo-dads, there is one particular component that actually depletes your Americanness, and as a result it’s gotta be scooped out of your body. That would be the appendix, which seeps miniscule amounts of Anti-America that, when you become American enough, will cause a pain in your side. This is called “Appendicitis” which of course is latin for “This is America dammit, GET OUTTA MY BODY YOU DAMN FOREIGNERS.” At that point doctors have to come by to snip the bastard out there. Most patients, upon receiving an appendectomy, find that their sense of America goes up roughly 15%. Taking out your appendicitis is literally the most American thing you can do to your body next to getting an American flag tattooed to your fucking face.

“I…I have buyer’s remorse.”

So without further ado, we at AFFotD are here to look into the American benefits of Appendectomies.

Pictured above: Appendectomy.

Continue reading →

2 Comments

Tagged America, Appendectomy, Appendix, Bart Simpson, Bourbon, Kangaroo boxing, Liver, Monster Truck Rallies, The Simpsons, Whiskey

America Fun Fact of the Day 7/10- Yet Another Image of the Week

Posted on July 10, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Quakers are American right?”

~Johnny Roosevelt

Normally we would write some sort of “Today in American history article” today. But it will not be this day. No instead, we will put another image of the week. Hopefully no one notices.

America Fun Fact of the Day 7/9- Saturday Image of the Week

Posted on July 9, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Eh. Do it. Whatever.”

~Johnny Roosevelt

As you’ve no doubt realized by this point, AFFotD excels at creating images that summarize America in week long format. So here is an example of this.

Haaaa. You’re doing it wrong. Have a good weekend everybody.

Tagged American, Saturday Image of the Week

AFFotD Presents a Week of American Holidays (Part Five)

Posted on July 8, 2011 | 1 comment

“I don’t care what we’re celebrating, are you supposed to get shitty? Yes? GOOD.”

~America

As we’ve been seeing the past couple of days, America has shitload of Holidays. There are national holidays, and there are the “lesser” holidays that aren’t nationally observed, but still get people out of work sometimes. However, sometimes you have to work on a Holiday, and while that’s unfortunate, it’s more than made up for the fact that these holidays are little more than veiled excuses to drink heavily.

Pictured above: Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day

So it is with this in mind that we delve into the last subset of American holidays- the American holidays that don’t give you a day off, but are nationally celebrated. As always, these are ranked from least-to-most American.