A Road Trip of Roadside Attractions Through America’s Midwest: Part 3

“Daddy, mom said that we’re supposed to call the police if you start drinking behind the wheel again.”

~How many times does daddy have to tell you kids to shut the hell up?

America is a glorious, sprawling land, with a lot of weird shit out there.  As we’ve established in our first and second road trips through Midwestern America, the best part of driving through America is being able to stop and waste time at a whole variety of strange, exotic places.  Except for that spider-car.  That was terrifying as all shit.

AGHHHHHH FLASHBACK

After our last trip, which ended with several AFFotD staffers getting wasted at Mount Rushmore, we don’t really know what happened.  When we eventually woke up, we all were missing one shoe, one sock, and the sleeves of our shirts had been cut off.  Oh, also, our car was scattered around us in dozens of pieces.  Or so we thought.  Actually, our car was nowhere to be found.  Turns out we’re in Alliance, Nebraska, where we were greeted with this sight.

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The Civil War’s Most Glorious Mustaches

“Prrrrfftt plabber prrrftt sorry my glorious mustache was in my mouth, you see.”

~Ambrose Burnside

Every great war leaves behind a cultural legacy.  The Vietnam War spurned on counter-culture and PTSD.  World War II developed and hardened the so-called “Greatest Generation.”  The Korean War led to M*A*S*H*.  The impact of these conflicts have been scorched into our memory, making irreplaceable connections in our minds.  So, while we were riffling through the Smithsonian website looking for blueprints (we heard they have the Fonzie’s jacket there, and we fucking want it) we stumbled across this little item regarding the Civil War.  Because, when you think of the Civil War, clearly the one thing you associate with it is slavery glorious facial hair.

We were going to do a fun fact on the importance of office safety, ever since we had to send [REDACTED] to the hospital when he started shouting, “GONZO JOURNALISM” and licking our supply of poison arrow frogs, but really, we figure this is more important.  So, let’s rate some facial hair, everyone.

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Money Grubbing Parents Need To Take Their Damn Hands Off Our Damn Four Lokos

“I want to have 12 lokos tonight!”

~This man knows what’s up

 

“There is no possible way I would regret this later in life.”

Binge drinking is about as American as binge drinking, and no one does it better than Americans.  While British people try to binge drink like us Americans, they don’t have the temperament for it, and usually end up just smashing pint glasses into each other’s faces.  No, America knows how to do it- you take one part “I love you man,” three parts “AC/DC is the BEST FUCKING BAND EVER” and about twenty parts alcohol.  But as we drink, we’re often faced with a very serious problem- drowsiness.  Alcohol is a depressant, and it can make you go from alert to passed out in a fairly short time.

He knew the risks

To quote the famous Senator, Tim Calhoun, “Sometimes you want to stay up and party, and the cocaine really helps you do that.”  But Cocaine is illegal (which isn’t that big of a deal) and not made in America (which is a big deal) and also doesn’t mix well with alcohol (…probably?) so American ingenuity came up with the brilliant principle…just add caffeine to the booze!  It’s so simple!  Rum and cokes were soon replaced by more potent mixtures, like Red Bulls and Vodka,s until they finally gave way to the most glorious alcoholic caffeinated concoction in American history…

May cause hallucinations

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America Fun Fact of the Day 5/29- May 29th in American History

“Who else is ready for Memorial Day weekend?  Alright, just do one of those lazy ‘This Day in American History’ things.”

~AFFotD’s Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

As we prepare for our hyper-American Memorial Day barbeque, where we basically replace charcoal with Bacardi 151 while swapping out hamburgers and hog dogs with…well, just larger version of hot dogs and hamburgers because you can’t get much more American than grilled hamburger and hot dogs, we like to take quiet reflection on this day that has, in the past, been a Memorial Day in its own right (maybe).

Anyway, we are just going to ramble off some things that happened today, okay?

Today’s American day in American history

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America Fun Fact of the Day 5/28- Saturday Image of the Week

“Worst…fun fact…ever”

~The Comic Book Guy

Comic books do a good job of representing American interests.  Superman hated Kryptonite because he rebelled against the Green movement.  Captain America hated…uh…communists?  Probably?  Because we do too?  Daredevil hated sound because he’s really the lamest Superhero out there.  Easily.  No question.

Anyway, we just wanted to give you this lovely image for your Memorial Day Weekend, to remind you that people who draw comics know that America is pretty great.

Just…just soak that in.  Everything that is said?  By the American caped guy?  Rings true.

Because Americans don’t liked to be ambushed.

Have a great weekend, everybody.

America’s Dumbest Laws #6-10

“This’ll stop them there idiots.”

~New Mexican Legislature

As we discussed in yesterday’s fun fact, there are a lot of dumb laws out there.  So for every law like “Don’t kill people,” there’s an equally stupid law like, “Don’t kill endangered animals.”

And of course, there are the following dumb laws as well…

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America’s Dumbest Laws #1-5

“We can only hope that someday, a law will come that will be more idiotic than this law which we are trying to pass.”

~Every member of the Temperance Movement

We live in a society of rules and laws, but we exist as a society that would prefer to ignore the ones we don’t agree with.  And generally, law enforcement officers don’t care about the laws that we ignore, unless outdated definitions of brothels are involved, but even then Americans just find a way around it.  The fact is, many laws have been enacted in this fine land over the past 130 plus years (wait…2011 minus 1776 is…yeah that sounds about right) and not all of them aged particularly well.  But, instead of replacing them, we leave them on the books so that they can just stare at us, looking silly, watching us laugh at them.  Sorta like Andy Kaufman.

You had us at that one time you said that thing with the funny accent.

Since the AFFotD office has a running “felony” pool, we like to track some of the more obscure laws in the land for when we want to add something to our list of committed crimes, while avoiding most legal repercussions.  Maybe the way we keep score for our  “Who committed the most crimes” today game is faulty, but technically manslaughter is worth as many points as getting a fish drunk in Ohio.  So that’s why we’re here to each and every American heart out there the ways that they’ve been breaking the law, without even realizing it, in today’s edition of…

AFFotD’s Most Ridiculous American Laws of America

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Hilarious American Senior Portraits

“Integrity be damned, steal it, steal the damn thing!”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

As we here at the America Fun Fact of the Day offices work on, you know, teh internetz, we usually have to keep an hear to the grindstone, as people who don’t know how idioms or grindstones work would say.  The internet offers us a wealth of information so we never have to do pesky things like “Research facts” or “learn to use books instead of Wikipedia.”  You’d think with 20 people in our research staff, we’d be able to offer more breaking news stories, but nope.  Huffington Post has more employees than us (basically) and half of their posts are just embedded Daily Show segments and stories lifted from other blogs.  So excuse us if we don’t feel the need to get our hands dirty with “knowledge” when we can just do the American thing and steal other people’s hard work.

Yes, we steal stuff in America.  Get over it, man.  Besides, you’re not even an Indian.  You’re Italian.  Face.

That’s why we felt reluctant to straight up steal the meticulous work done in this article from superbooyah (who seems to split their articles evenly between “Hot chicks not wearing a lot of clothes” and “Freaky people with scary faces”) that gathered up the “100 Worst Senior Portraits of All Time” for us to marvel at.

His haircut may say “Bowl cut” but his laptop screensaver says…well, also “Bowl cut”.

But just posting the same 100 pictures would be pretty tame (and, well, time consuming for our photo department/that one homeless guy we pay a few bucks to click the “insert photo” button for us), so we’re going to go in a different route by celebrating the absurd Senior Portrait photos that have been taken that truly exemplify America in its most awkwardly adolescent glory.  That should narrow down the amount of these hilarious, hilarious pictures we utilize.  Right?

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Ridiculous Drugs That Were Once Medicine: Part 2

“Would you like the cocaine, or the opium?”

~God, Doc, you…you just GET it, man


As AFFotD has previously established through meticulous research, the early 20th century and late 19th century were ridiculous, especially when it came down to dangerous drugs that were legally available as “Medicine.”  Physicians back then treated medicinal treatments the same way a ten year old boy treats a make-your-own stir-fry buffet:  Just throw every ridiculous thing you can find in there and hope something appetizing comes out the other end.  The most common diagnosis back then was, “*shrug* probably?”  Doctors in the 19th century hated their patients so much that when they were told, “Hey, maybe wash your hands before performing surgery on people?” they responded with a resounding, “Fuck you.”  Seriously.

Being sick in the 19th and early 20th century was like being the black person in a horror film.  There’s not much of a chance that you’re making it out alive.  And speaking of horror films, most of the medical instruments back then looked like they’re from scenes of Nightmare on Elm Street that were cut out of the film because they were too terrifying.

“…It’s like…Robot Satan’s dick…”

Now, despite the high rate of hospital mortalities and genital mutilation (we can only assume), Olde Tyme Doctors did have one thing going for them.  A willingness to use ridiculous drugs as medicine.  That’s why we’re here to show you even more awesomely terrible medicinal ideas from America’s past.

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The Grand! Prize! Game!

“Who wants to play…the GRAND PRIZE GAME!?”

~Ummm how about EVERYBODY

Many Americans who were not terrified of clowns grew up watching Bozo.  He was funny, original, and just an E away from being Booze.  But of all the catchphrases and gags from the Bozo Show, one aspect sticks out as the most American game that every child wanted to play.

That’s right.

The Grand Prize Game!

That child just tossed money at the buckets while saying, “Go clean yourself up.”

The Grand Prize game is so unabashedly American its buckets have been used for waterboarding.  The Grand Prize Game is such a fantastical icon we’re honestly afraid to do a google search and see if it’s been rule 34’d yet…

Oh Goddamn it!

Yup, the Grand Prize Game was the glorious prize game that everyone wanted to play.  Some of you might even have met people who got to participate in the Grand Prize Game, and that literally made them celebrities in your mind.

So, in respect of the a game so great it has “grand” right there in the damn name, here is…

AFFotD’s Breakdown of the American Qualities of the Grand Prize Game


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