Category Archives: Insulting Foreigners

Because apparently things happen to countries that aren’t America, and we occasionally write about them. Doesn’t mean we have to like it, though sometimes we do begrudgingly offer our approval. Only sometimes though. Goddamn it, Japan, you’re doing it wrong!

ALDI: Revisited and Re-reviewed

Posted on November 18, 2014 | 13 comments

“Jesus Christ, why do you all love Aldi so much?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

aldi

Three years ago, no, sorry, more than three years ago, we posted a little joke article on our jokey informative site.  It was called, “ALDI Owns Trader Joe’s, Corners the Market on Cheap Food Knockoffs.”  It was fine.  It made a lot of jokes about ALDI being for poor people, because their stuff is super cheap, their products almost comically try to mimic the name and design of name brands, and if you’ve ever been to an ALDI that’s not in a kind of shitty neighborhood, well congratulations you live in New Hampshire, shut up.  Oh, we said something like, “there are two kinds of people in this world, those that shop at ALDI, and those that have jobs.”  Ha ha, a little joke, making fun of how cheap and cost-cutting ALDI is.

And holy shit, people got mad.

shar comment

Like, really mad.

bernotas comment

Like, fucking three years later, out of the fucking blue mad.

pete comment

By the way, outside of Pete’s spelling of “8insurance” being absolutely hilarious, we love the email he listed in his “you must put an email to post a comment” section (yes, we can see what email you use, yes most of them are obviously fake, and a surprising amount of you go into making your fake email address specific to your comment, which, hey, kudos.)  It was nycceo@yahoo.com.  NYC CEO!  That’s so perfect.  That’s the funniest thing we’ve ever seen from someone trying to center their argument with a brick wall around the concept of “I am a CEO, and even I go to 8ALDI.”  We had to email the address, just to make sure it was fake.  No, seriously, we had to know.

email

Damn.

Anyway, the point being, we’ve gotten nearly a dozen comments, all angry, all insisting that ALDI is amazing, and that we’re wrongheaded bigots for daring to insult it.  We’re close-minded in dismissing this righteous, German-owned chain of grocery stores.  These billionaire owners of ALDI deserve better!  They sell us fruit cups a dollar cheaper than Rite Aid!  So it appears you sons of bitches want us to re-evaluate our stance on ALDI, because fucking everyone has way too strong of an opinion about that store.  Fine.  We’ll do you that favor.  This is literally the first time we’ve had to revisit a topic, but we’re doing it for you, the social media managers of ALDI the fans.

ALDI:  Revisited and Re-reviewed

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Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, The Rest of Them

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Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong: Japanese Ice Cream Flavors

Posted on November 13, 2014 | 1 comment

“I Scream, you scream, we all scream, NO.  NO, STOP IT.  STOP IT JAPAN.  JUST, NO!”

oh ice cream faces i get it that's cute

One of our longest running segments on this site has been “Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong,” where we look at classic American products and foods that Japan has gone, well, batshit insane with.  Not to break the fourth wall or let you in on our writing process here (it involves, just, so much alcohol, and just a hint of xenophobia that’s probably going to age really horribly over the next five years) but we love writing these posts.  We get to talk about American foods we love (like Doritos, or Kit Kats), we get to talk about flavors of these things that we love that are so abhorrent and disgusting that we take on a tone of unearned righteous indignation, and finally, we get comments from the kind of people who get really upset when a website whose banner has a grizzly bear holding a shotgun in front of an American Flag talks shit about Japan.  We cannot stress enough how much we love it when this happens.  People get so mad, and we’re not saying that the only people who feel this way are white men who have visited Japan and “got into the culture a bit too much” ifyouknowwhatwe’resaying, but we’re totally saying that.

People write fucking novels, and we typically respond with a shrug.

affotd comment

Our favorite part of this is the “well, I’ve only been to Japan for three weeks, BUT!”

So yes, this is us basically fucking daring you guys to get offended at this segment, which might defeat the purpose, but that’s beside the point.  We’re going to talk about how Japan fucks up ice cream, and oh God, do they know how to fuck up ice cream.

Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong:  Japanese Ice Cream Flavors

 haagen NOT Continue reading →

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Posted in Japan

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Wherein AFFotD Scoffs at the Attempts of British Tabloids to Critique America’s Culinary Practices

Posted on September 24, 2014 | 7 comments

“Guys, we need to be better.  We need to do better.  We should have jumped on these limey bastards the moment this garbage was published!  I know it was around the Fourth of the July, and I know we spent the next three months blackout drunk, NO EXCUSES!”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

 union jack

Listen here, faithful readers.  When we started this website, we had one very important goal—find a way to get free alcohol sent us to while breaking a few financial laws by listing ourselves as a tax-exempt non-profit.  But once you make a name for yourself, and it’s all, “Oh, Johnny Roosevelt, start a newsletter” this and “you know the internet is a thing now, people need to hear from you” that, and we have to deal with mission statements and being sober enough to press a button that says “Publish.”  It’s all very hard work, and we blame our Editor-in-Chief—we wouldn’t even exist today if he hadn’t stuck his nose where it didn’t belong.

watergate johnny roosevelt

Um, if anyone asks, we were, uh…doing some undercover investigations.  Yeah.  That’s it.

We mention this because, lately, we’ve been focusing a lot on “this alcohol is crazy” or “woahhh easy there, M&M flavors!” but we’ve been ignoring one of our founding principles.  Making fun of foreigners.  And in these increasingly divisive times, shouldn’t we be focusing less on what makes all of us different, and focusing more on making fun of what makes people in like, goddamn Europe different?  Have you ever seen lederhosen?  Ridiculous!

And while we were examining our past with an eye fixed firmly on the future (read as—a night where you sorta end up in one of those melancholy drunk moods) we stumbled across this little article from the British tabloid/reason-for-hundreds-of-lies-your-facebook-feed-has-told-you, Metro.  The article in question?

metro title

Oh you cheeky buggers.  Wait, no, that’s the quaint British way of saying what we really think.  Let’s Americanize up our reaction to this article just a tad.

You motherfucking sons of cockrashes.

There we go.  That’s much better.  Anyway, it’s been a while, so time to take apart this argument, one by one.  Because, Jesus, if we wanted to take food advice from the Brits, we don’t have a way to finish that analogy because no one in the history of cuisine, since the dawn of man where we as a species realized that cooking food makes it less likely to carry disease, has anyone ever wanted to take food advice from the Brits.

gordon fucking ramsey

Well, sure, okay, but yelling doesn’t count as advice.

Anyway, let’s take this article to pieces.

Wherein AFFotD Scoffs at the Attempts of British Tabloids to Critique America’s Culinary Practices

 stargazey Continue reading →

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Posted in England, Insulting Foreigners

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Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong: The Pizza Little Party Pizzeria

Posted on November 14, 2013 | 6 comments

“Pizza Little Party?  Oh man, let’s try to avoid jokes calling Pizza Little Party a Japanese pizza establishment, I’d be so rac…oh God, it’s real, isn’t it?”

~Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD

let's summer pizza party

Before we get started, let’s take a deep breath and look at that screenshot.  Just, really soak it in.  Let it wash over you like a cool stream.  This is a thing that exists, that happened in real life, that is currently happening in real life.  Don’t let yourself forget that.                                                                       

For a website that dedicates itself to the Americanness of being American, we sure do seem to talk about Japan a lot.  You might wonder, “Why?  Why are there more articles about Japanese Doritos on this site than ones about Ben Franklin?”  Well, for starters, if you ever tried to write about Ben Franklin’s life, you immediately would come down with a severe case of 18th century syphilis, and we’ve yet to find a writer to volunteer for that (though, come to think of it, we might have a perfect candidate).  But secondly, Japan takes American ideals but then warps them in fascinating, terrifying ways, and we hope that maybe, just maybe, by showing them the craziness of their ways they might take things down a notch and start embracing a more normally (read as, “less tentacles”) American way of life.

You’re right.  It’s futile.  They’re too far gone to be saved.  Just look at how they do pizza chains.

Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong:  The Pizza Little Party Pizzeria

 pizza little party

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Posted in Japan, Pizza Pizza

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Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong: Cheetos

Posted on October 2, 2013 | 1 comment

“No…no….NOOOO!!!!”

~AFFotD Food Critic John Goodman

hot sauce cheetos

As we’ve established on numerous occasions, Japan approaches American-based junk food and beverages the same way Lennie approaches puppies in Of Mice and Men.  We’ve even let you know about the terrible, unspeakable things that Japan likes to do to our potato chips.  Of course, that’s just the beginning.  Japanese food sort of adheres to a subset of Rule 34.  By that we mean to say, we could type some random combination of disgusting words and it’ll exist in Japan, and be terrifying.  Don’t believe us?  Let’s see…uh, octopus soda.

…Oh dear God, what have we done?

So with that in mind, it’s time for us to take our periscope of terrifying food abominations towards Japan’s interpretation of the delicious Takis rival, Cheetos.  Which, as always, leads us to exclaim…

Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong: Cheetos

gross chetos Continue reading →

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The Ten Longest Films Ever Made

Posted on August 21, 2013 | 1 comment

“Man, and I thought Lord of the Rings was too long…”

~American Film Critics

lady clock

We like our movies like we like our sexual encounters—brief, anonymous, and preferably ending with you sobbing uncontrollably while watching Ryan Gosling kiss another woman.  Whether we’re watching Nicholas Sparks play out his latest sexual fantasy of star-crossed lovers being separated for 50 years by dire circumstances only to die of cancer the day they’re supposed to meet again, or someone gave Michael Bay $150 million to be the pyrotechnic version of Bamm-Bamm Rubble, American films are the world’s primary source for laughter, entertainment, and taking a brief respite from our bleak, miserable lives to watch Brad Pitt casually eat something while pretending we’re his friend.

There was a time when epic sagas were the norm in Hollywood, which is why Ben-Hur is over three-and-a-half hours long, and also why most of us never saw Ben-Hur once we were informed that the film was 212 boobless minutes.  Nowadays, we like our movies shorter, more action-packed, and Anne Hathaway naked-ier.  Yes, we’ll sit through the occasional three hour opus, but that’s about as long as we’re able to physically sit still without our ADD kicking oh hey look there’s a bird.  Besides, we can’t waste all our free time watching a single movie.  We have things to do.  There are bars literally just outside the theater, taunting us.

Yes, we know how to squeeze $200 million into a handy 90-minute package, but we’re America.  We invented, perfected, and then perverted everything you know and love about modern cinema.  Other countries don’t quite get the hint, which is why you see places like China making 14-hour films.

And that’s not even one of the ten longest films ever created.  Since we at AFFotD are public servants, we’re going to save you the trouble of knowing which impossibly long films to avoid by listing off the ten films with the longest running time.  And since we can’t imagine a world where people make day-long movies without something terrible and dark having happened in their childhood, we will also inform you what life-ruining tragedy must have happened to the countries of the world that would actually sit through these exercises in torture.

The Ten Longest Films Ever Made

 Die hard

Because if you’re going to stare at a movie screen for 14 hours, you’d better damn well be watching all the Die Hard movies.

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Posted in England, France, Strange America, The Rest of Them

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The World’s 10 Most Expensive Yachts

Posted on April 30, 2013 | 3 comments

“I have more money than you, and a much smaller penis.”

~The owners of the world’s most expensive yachts

streets of morocco yacht

It takes a certain kind of person to own a boat.  Unless you’re a mountain man with a hand-fashioned canoe, boat ownership tends to require a specific combination of “disposable income”, “access to a large water mass”, and “possessing a desire to spend your time bobbing on said water mass.”  That said, among those who meet these criteria, there are still a myriad of reasons that we buy boats.  Some like to go fishing, or just appreciate the calmness of the sea.  Still others like adventure, and use their boats to compete in thousand-league-long races, or travel the globe.  Every one of these individuals feels a deep seated passion for the sea (or their nearest lake) and a sense of oneness with these bodies of water that harkens the very spirit of those who sailed across the endless ocean to find America in the first place.  It’s an admirable hobby (or obsession, depending on the level of commitment).

And then, of course, there are the douchebags that buy floating mansions to flaunt their wealth.  These people like to spend a few million dollars to buy a boat that they can anchor within view of the nearest beach while surrounded with bikini-clad women who are 30 years younger than them.  It’s not exactly the best subset of American culture, but…well, yeah, on the scale of “positive examples of American culture” it’s right between “people who cook meth in 20-ounce plastic soda bottles” and “people who go to fancy restaurants and order a bottle of ‘ka-ber-net sah-vig-none’ unironically.”

trailer trash

Pictured above:  could be either group, actually

Thankfully, America tends to stay out of the “trying to prove that you’re totally not impotent by making the largest, most expensive yacht in the nation” race (with one exception) but some people (cough, Saudi princes and Russian billionaires) can’t seem to be satisfied with a measly ten million dollar yacht requiring a permanent crew.  So we decided to pool together a semi-definitive list of the most expensive boats to ever grace our oceans (God, we hope they’re at least going on the ocean.  A giant multi-million dollar taking up an entire lake seems like the ultimate “fuck you” to poor people).  It’s free to look, because you’ll never be able to afford a single one of them.

The World’s Most Expensive Yachts

 prince abdulaziz Continue reading →

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Posted in Insulting Foreigners, Strange America, The Rest of Them

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Five Reasons Why No One Is Afraid Of North Korea

Posted on April 9, 2013 | Leave a comment

“Aw look, North Korea is threatening to nuke us.  That’s cute.”

~American Media

 kim jong-il

A lot of our readers were born in the late 1980s and 1990s have never lived in actual fear of nuclear weapons.  Sure, we’ve all seen the 1950s cartoons that say you can survive a nuclear blast if you hide under a desk and also are a turtle, but for those readers who didn’t live through the 50s, 60s, 70s, and early chunk of the 80s, the concept of “actively fearing nuclear annihilation” seems less like “real life” and more like “Wow, 24 finally jumped the shark didn’t they.”

Of course, for those of our readers that did live through that period…that was pretty freaky, right?  Shit almost got real a few times there.  While not exactly paralyzing America with fear, the nuclear threat was always in the back of our minds.  Russia was a powerful and terrifying foe, and they really didn’t like us.  They only reason they didn’t slaughter us outright is that they knew we’d probably do the same in kind, and even with that mutually assured destruction in place, they were still considering it.

This is relevant because, for the first time in decades, America has actively been threatened with nuclear attack.  As in, “the moment of explosion is approaching fast” and “we have actually approved the use of nuclear weapons against your country.”  And no one gives a shit.  We’re literally talking “page four news.”  Why?

Because it’s North Korea, and North Korea is a bunch of clowns.  Does that sound a bit harsh?  Yes.  Are we a little pissed off at their hijacking of our website last week?  Well, sure.  But there are also numerous well documented reasons why no one is scared of North Korea.  Don’t believe us?  Here are five, just off the top of our head.

Five Reasons Why No One Is Afraid Of North Korea

 mickey mouse north korea Continue reading →

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Best Korea Daily Information For Enjoyment, April 1!

Posted on April 1, 2013 | 2 comments

“Dare not gaze at the oppressors icons above, stare instead at my benevolent face!”

~Wondrous Leader, Kim Jong-Un

 kim jong un

Greetings, denizens of Best Korea, on this, the day that exalted leader has given you access to the treacherous “Internet” of the heinous imperialist American pigdogs!  We of government of Best Korea has once again taken time from building our powerful tank missiles and nuclear lemon trees that grow lemons that also are nuclear bombs which we will throw at the American oppressors to wish you happy tidings on this oh blessed day!

While you are no doubt mired deep in the glorious eyes of your divinely ordained leader, beware!  On other days of the year, these “Internets” are a terrifying wasteland, where the American swine spend their days watching public executions and women defecating into each other’s privates!  Their privates!

korea wife and husband

The fair wife of our glorious leader would faint at such awful sights!  She does not have a daughter, glorious Kim Jung-Un is only capable of having a masculine child!

Now on this, the most glorious of days, shall we raise our fists in victory over the imperialist swine oppressors!  Behold our mighty arsenal of weapons!

dog and gun

Yes, our pets can defend our homeland!

missile

Quake in fear of our mighty rockets!

korea kim jong un jet ski

TREMBLE AT POWER OF BEST KOREAN NAVY!

On this, as on every April first, oh glorious leader has awoken to defeat great friend of Best Korea, Dennis Rodman, in a game of basketball. Great Champion Of Best Korea defeated The Worm 1,000-2, purposely giving up two points out of respect for his dear friend.  Immediately following, advisers informed him of the daily status of all citizens of Best Korea.  Every woman and child had held hands across the nation to sing praises for dearly departed leader, Kim Jong-Il, while every man found a sack of grain in front of his luxurious home personally presented to him by our Glorious Leader Kim Jong-Un.  No citizen of Best Korea ever will want for food, and never will our words be anything but pure truth as opposed to the reckless posturing of a weak insignificant nation!

lemon

QUAKE BEFORE OUR NUCLEAR LEMONS!

Then, Great Magnanimous One inspects the brave troops of Best Korea, more numerous than all the other armies in the world, combined and multiplied.  For every American imperialist living in their fetid filth there are one million soldiers who live to serve Best Korea!  One Million!  Every day, the cowardly nation of America has a new leader, as each President must resign as soon as he sees the inevitable defeat he must face at the hands of our Glorious Leader, whose radiance ensures that there is never a cloud in the sky or rain to water our crops, which have learned to grow simply because Great Leader asked them kindly!

seedling

“We live off the nutrients of Great Leader’s encouragement!”

While each happy, well-fed citizen smiles at the perpetual joy of living in the grandest nation on Earth with absolutely no relatives being forced to work in any sort of labor camps for their subversive views, Great Leader toils endlessly to ensure the safety of this great nation while laughing with joy as the American swine dogs quake with fear.

And quake they should, as they gaze upon our incredible armies!

video game army

Our technology is vastly superior to all in existence!

So once again, brave citizens of Best Korea, join our Wondrous Leader in the singing of the newest song of Korean pride!

All who oppose us will be doomed

Privy to fears of imperialist rule

Readily we all proclaim

In Fearless Leader’s holy name

Lashing the flesh of our enemies

For their screams will give us glee!

On this the most glorious day

Our enemies must will quiver this way

Lurching in the dark waiting to be defeated

So they shall, when they encounter Best Korea!!!

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Posted in North Korea

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Goddamn It Japan, You’re Doing It Wrong: Japanese Wendy’s

Posted on December 5, 2012 | 2 comments

“No, we can’t write about Wendy’s!  THEY’LL FIND US!”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

dooom

As some of our more intrepid readers might remember, AFFotD has a dark history with one particular American fast food establishment.  Yes, for a period of time every spicy chicken sandwich you ate directly helped feed the AFFotD gambling debts coffers, but it came at the cost of our souls.  Also at the cost of a few of our weaker family members, and one of our staffers house cat. Eventually, we were able to free ourselves from the corporate shilling curse, and continue to be independently drunk and American.

Of course, Wendy’s knew we couldn’t keep from talking about them forever.  And after a few hard hitting exposés about Japan’s attempts at subverting American fast food, we  discovered that Japan treated Wendy’s the same way they treat just about every goddamn fast food chain, so we figured we’d be safe of Wendy’s Necronomical influences if we talked about it, given that they were received so meekly in Japan that in 2009 they closed all 71 of their Japanese locations.  Unfortunately, this lasted less than two years, and now Wendy’s has again opened its doors to Japanese terror culture.  As of now, there are only two restaurants in the entire country, but that of course hasn’t stopped them from making nightmarish culinary creations that, despite our misgivings, force us to exclaim…

Goddamn It Japan, You’re Doing It Wrong:  Japanese Wendy’s

image003

Continue reading →

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Posted in Japan, Wendy's Presents

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