Tag Archives: vodka

America’s Most Inventive (And Insane) Bloody Marys

“It’s never too early to drink so long as it tastes good with brunch.”

~Everyone

We’re not trying to call anyone out here, but some Americans don’t know how to hold their shit.  They’ll drink a mere ten or fifteen drinks on a Saturday night, sleep from 4AM until that point where their body finished metabolizing all of the alcohol in their system, at which point they just moan about their “hangover” and sip something like coffee or water or “Oh dear God put that shot of Everclear away why would you think that would be something I’d want to drink right now, Jesus Christ, you guys, I quit, go find yourself another photoshop editor, I can’t handle this office environment, I’ve blacked out and not remembered going to sleep every night for the past three months, the doctor told me if I don’t quit here soon I’d probably suffer liver failure within the week.  Goddamn you all to hell.”

As we said, some people are lightweights. Also, Gary, don’t bother listing us as a reference for your job search.  Photoshop guys are to AFFotD what drummers were to Spinal Tap, you’re lucky you didn’t spontaneously combust, you damn teetotaler.

Where were we?

Oh yes.  Most real Americans know that, when you wake up with a hangover, the best way to cure that is to order a nice, strong alcoholic drink that preferably won’t lead to the social worker going, “For the love of God, it’s ten in the morning, why are you taking shots of tequila?”  That’s why we invented the Bloody Mary, a way to get drunk while pretending that tomato juice has more health benefits than “a shitload of salt.”

The Bloody Mary, known as “The world’s most complex cocktail,” is as American as apple pie.  More American, actually, because we put booze in it.  And it’s our pleasure to pour ourselves a nice tall glass of hangover-ridding goodness, punch various letters at google until it begs for mercy, and present you with…

America’s Most Inventive (And Insane) Bloody Marys

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The Most Expensive Vodkas in the World

“So you’re telling us that if we want to drink this vodka, we need to rob some banks?  Can’t we just drink some Skol instead?”

~AFFotD’s Liquor Review Board

 

Everyone can appreciate a good bottle of vodka.  By that, of course, we mean to say that if you’re spending more than $25 on your vodka, you’re probably being suckered.  Vodka’s the most neutral spirit out there, its primary reason for existing is to give us a way to turn most “non-alcoholic drinks” into “mixers.”  If you like the taste of orange juice, but don’t like the sobriety it causes you?  Vodka that fucker up.  Have yourself a 60 oz. cup of one of those Mountain Dew flavors that’s blue and only available through Taco Bell?  Boom, add some vodka and suddenly that haphazardly folded together 1 lb. bean and potato burrito is the most delicious thing you’ve ever eaten.  Did you randomly find a glass filled with some unrecognizable liquid on the street corner?  Vodka would probably make it safe to drink.  Maybe?  Right?

And while most Americans find themselves unwilling to shell out for any vodka fancier than, say, Chopin, some people find themselves choose to spend excessive amounts of money on a flavorless spirit just so they can tell themselves that they’re important and relevant, no matter how many times their mistresses make fun of their distressingly small genitalia.  And for these Ferrari SUV driving individuals, we present…

The Most Expensive Vodkas in the World

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The Martini: America’s Classiest Alcohol Delivery System

“You’re welcome.”

~The American Liquor industry

Every once and a while, strangers go up to us on the street and say, “Goddamn it AFFotD, I can’t believe you let your news editor befoul our daughter, I’ll kill the bastard if’n I ever lay eyes on him again,” and after we wrestle them to the ground and get their daughters contact information and age (phew, 18) they eventually, in tears, ask us why we seem to hate President Carter so much.

Is it the award he got for letting Iran misuse nuclear technology?  That didn’t help things, but no.  Was it the fact that he builds houses for the poor?  Weirdly enough we actually have a problem with that, but no that’s not it.  No we hate Carter because he is largely responsible for the fact that it’s no longer considered “acceptable” to have a three-martini lunch at work anymore.  That tells you how Un-American Jimmy Carter was while also serving as a convenient enough segue to our more important topic.

Martinis.  Invented by Americans, made by Americans, used by James Bond to sleep with American women, the Martini is the classiest way to say, “Hi, I am an individual of refined tastes, and if you approached me at this bar I very possibly will sleep with you” without sitting at a bar holding onto a string of condoms.  So with that in mind, let’s raise our cocktail glass to…

The Martini:  America’s Classiest Alcohol Delivery System

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The Top 5 American Ways to Get Drunk (Without Drinking)

“Sure, go for it.”

~Anthony Bourdain

America likes alcohol about as much as America likes alcohol, but sometimes we have to eat, or we don’t feel like consuming liquids at the moment.  Shut up, it happens sometimes.  Maybe.  Anyway, it is times like that where we Americans can show our ingenuity by discovering strange, magical, almost logic-defying ways to get wasted.  Yeah, we might be lagging in education and…uh..maths? but we’re still able to get you drunk without you even knowing it.  Or in one case (number one on the list) we can get you drunk while you are terrifyingly aware of it.

That’s why we at AFFotD are here to present to you…

The Top 5 American Ways to Get Drunk (Without Drinking)

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America’s Guide to Non-Alcoholic Beer, Wine, and Liquor

“And I shall banish this evil from the land.”

~He who shall save us from our darkest hour

 

Drinking alcohol is not only a delicious and helpful way to forget about your troubles, it also happens to be crucially important to all of America.  Without alcohol, churches wouldn’t be able to drink Jesus, baseball stadiums would be empty, and our birth rates would drop considerably.  It is responsible for the popularity of bowling, golf, and attractive female bartenders.  Alcohol is, in a word, essential.  It is our nation’s lifeblood.

Which is why this post will be distressing to many of you.

For as great as alcohol is as a way to cure you of your boredom, inhibitions, or not-having-cirrhosis tendencies, there are people out there that spurn alcohol.  While that itself is a shock to our sensibilities, they compound they issue by…by…

…By making non-alcoholic versions of booze.

 

“NON-alcoholic beer?  I’ll KILL YOU

That is why we are here to warn you, the vigilant American reader, about these threats to our society.  And if you happen to see any of the following products for sale in a grocery store, you are within your legal rights to burn the place to the ground.  It’s in the constitution, look it up.  And now, with much trepidation, we present to you…

The Guide to Non-Alcoholic Beer, Wine, and Liquor

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The Rapture’s Guide to Looting

“BLAH BLAH RAPTURE BLAH BLAH MAYAN CALANDERRRRR”

~Uh…2012?

 

We’ve been hearing a lot of talk that the Rapture is upon us, that the Mayans are going to turn the world into quicksand or something, or dozens of other theories about the world’s inevitable demise.  And as we can see from this picture above which we’re pretty sure is the ending of the movie Ghost, some of these potential End of Days scenarios will involve a lot of American citizens left behind by a vengeful God to fend for themselves.  But really, is it a sin to drink a bathtub of whiskey every day?  Is it?  No, we’re seriously asking, whenever we pick up a bible it leaves third degree burns on our hands.  Not because we’re anti-Christ-y, we just tend to have pretty violently strong allergic reactions to long words.  Someone once tried to make Johnny Roosevelt read the word “perspicacious” and his body started swelling like a bubble-gum obsessed girl who got on Willy Wonka’s bad side.

…Kirstie Alley?

“But AFFotD,” you might be saying, “Stop talking about how you can’t read the Bible.  We’re horrible sinners, and if there’s a Rapture, we’re going to be stuck on Earth.  There’s only so many shotgun shells and Phil Collins CDs in the world, and besides Skeet shooting gets old pretty fast.  What are we supposed to do with ourselves when we’re not out defiling churches and installing voyeuristic cameras in attractive womens’ bathrooms?”

To you, hypothetically creepy reader, we’d first say, calm the fuck down and learn some manners.  We didn’t interrupt you, no wonder you’re going to hell.

And to answer your question, it’s quite simple really.  When you find yourself facing the end of days, after you’re done aggressively masturbating while sobbing, “No hope, no hope…” you’re going to want to take advantage of the unique situation that you’re finding yourself in.  Being left behind is no picnic…it’s a fucking 24 hour party.

But first, you have do so much looting.  That’s why we’re here to present you with.

The Official AFFotD Guide to Looting

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Money Grubbing Parents Need To Take Their Damn Hands Off Our Damn Four Lokos

“I want to have 12 lokos tonight!”

~This man knows what’s up

 

“There is no possible way I would regret this later in life.”

Binge drinking is about as American as binge drinking, and no one does it better than Americans.  While British people try to binge drink like us Americans, they don’t have the temperament for it, and usually end up just smashing pint glasses into each other’s faces.  No, America knows how to do it- you take one part “I love you man,” three parts “AC/DC is the BEST FUCKING BAND EVER” and about twenty parts alcohol.  But as we drink, we’re often faced with a very serious problem- drowsiness.  Alcohol is a depressant, and it can make you go from alert to passed out in a fairly short time.

He knew the risks

To quote the famous Senator, Tim Calhoun, “Sometimes you want to stay up and party, and the cocaine really helps you do that.”  But Cocaine is illegal (which isn’t that big of a deal) and not made in America (which is a big deal) and also doesn’t mix well with alcohol (…probably?) so American ingenuity came up with the brilliant principle…just add caffeine to the booze!  It’s so simple!  Rum and cokes were soon replaced by more potent mixtures, like Red Bulls and Vodka,s until they finally gave way to the most glorious alcoholic caffeinated concoction in American history…

May cause hallucinations

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Point/Counterpoint: Are Flavored Vodkas American?

“It’s delicious!  *slap*  It’s disgusting!  *slap*  IT’S DELICIOUS AND DISGUSTING *sobs*”

~Faye Dunaway

The Americanness of most items is usually pretty straightforward and easy to discern.  Shotguns?  American.  Environmentalists?  Not American.  Hot Dogs?  American.  Tofu?  What the fuck do you think you’re even doing here?  Really, when it comes to American qualities, the AFFotD staff usually can agree on what works, and what doesn’t.

“We will run you the hell out of this town, you hear?”

This isn’t always the case, however.  Every so often, a topic will come up that will lead to intense debate among our staffers.  Is the proper term “pop” or “soda”?  What is the better movie series, Die Hard or Rocky?  How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop?  All of these have been subject to virulent debate in the AFFotD offices.

We mention this because we ran across this article which described the creation of a brand of vodka that is flavored like cupcakes.  With that, two camps in the offices rapidly formed, one group who felt, “Holy shit that’s the best thing we’ve ever heard,” and another who believed, “You don’t fuck with liquor by adding weird flavors to it.  You just don’t.”

That is why we at AFFotD are pleased to bring you the first ever AFFotD American Point-Counterpoint, so each side can make an argument about the benefits, or evils, of flavored spirits.  We won’t name a winner, that’s for you, the reader, to decide.

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Science: “Let’s Get Bugs DRUNK!”

“CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!”

~Science

You know what’s boring?  Math and Science.  Some people say they “like knowing what makes the world work” and “get a thrill from solving mathematical questions using logic and knowledge” but to that, we respond the way we responded to the kids who were good at Math and Science in Grade School.

Stop hitting yourself.  Stop hitting yourself.

In actuality, these areas of study, especially Science, are pointless.  Why should we care what an atom looks like?  And why are you going to try to spin said atoms really fast in a giant tube, when that clearly is going to lead to the destruction of the entire planet?  Really, the only thing part in science class we paid attention to was that thing on how genetic traits carry over from parents to children, because it sure came useful when our ex gave birth to that kid and we were able to know we didn’t have to pay child support because someone with blue eyes cannot have a kid with green eyes.  Thanks, science!  Screw you, Cindy!

But science does, every once in a while, go out of its way to do something to tell us, hey, AFFotD, Science can be pretty American too.  While we do have a team of scientists on our staff who invent things like bologna flavored vodka and vodka flavored bologna, we usually use science just for the silly, inconsequential studies, and not for hard hitting facts that help inform us of the very nature of our American ways.  Sure, we know how tadpoles respond to weightlessness in space, but does science ever study something that really matters?  To us?  Americans?

Apparently, the answer is, “Fuck yes, of course we do, get  your heads out of your ass, AFFotD,” because scientists have spent government money and months of their lives devoted to examining how bugs act when they are drunk.

Not that kind of Bugs, but your head is in the right place

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America Fun Fact of the Day 3/27- March 27th in American History

“Ugh, I don’t care.  Just have the research monkeys list off shit that happened today.  I need some aspirin.”

~A Very Hungover Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD

Today is Sunday, which is a national day of “getting over Friday night and Saturday night” for many Americans, that 24 hour period where you re-hydrate and prepare yourself for another week at work.  At America Fun Fact of the Day, we go to the offices everyday, mainly because it’s got more impressive amenities than any home, and also because we just installed the world’s first vodka swimming pool.  Actually, the vodka swimming pool is the real draw currently.  Just think about that.  It’s a swimming pool.  Only instead of water, it’s vodka.  If you accidentally swallow the pool water, you don’t taste chlorine, you get wasted.  We’ve had to fish so many bodies out of it these past few weeks, but no one would dares ask to get rid of it.  We know the risks.

To be fair, it’s the next logical evolutionary step as far as pool based alcohol is concerned.

So despite the fact that we spend our time in the office, ignoring our “families,” “responsibilities in life,” and “going to the dentist, like, ever,” we do feel compelled to at least pretend to follow the traditional American work week structure.  That’s why, from Monday through Friday, we give you top notch content, discussing important issues like Andrew Jackson’s dueling habits, or how the Washington Monument looks like a dong.

But come the weekend, we tend to take our foot off the accelerator.  We’ll put a photo of the week here, or a clip show because we’re terrible people there, but we tend to prep ourselves for the following week of American Facts but just hopping into our vodka swimming pool, like that one scene in Ferris Bueller’s Day off.

You can interpret this how you want, but did you know that your body can absorb alcohol through its pours?  Well, you can.  There a whole bunch of places other than your mouth that alcohol can sneak into your bloodstream through.

So, we don’t really have the energy, or ibuprofen supplies to research a full, engrossing fun fact today.  Instead, we will present you…

The American History of March 27th in America

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