Tag Archives: Beer

America’s Guide to Non-Alcoholic Beer, Wine, and Liquor

Posted on December 5, 2011 | 19 comments

“And I shall banish this evil from the land.”

~He who shall save us from our darkest hour

 

Drinking alcohol is not only a delicious and helpful way to forget about your troubles, it also happens to be crucially important to all of America.  Without alcohol, churches wouldn’t be able to drink Jesus, baseball stadiums would be empty, and our birth rates would drop considerably.  It is responsible for the popularity of bowling, golf, and attractive female bartenders.  Alcohol is, in a word, essential.  It is our nation’s lifeblood.

Which is why this post will be distressing to many of you.

For as great as alcohol is as a way to cure you of your boredom, inhibitions, or not-having-cirrhosis tendencies, there are people out there that spurn alcohol.  While that itself is a shock to our sensibilities, they compound they issue by…by…

…By making non-alcoholic versions of booze.

 

“NON-alcoholic beer?  I’ll KILL YOU

That is why we are here to warn you, the vigilant American reader, about these threats to our society.  And if you happen to see any of the following products for sale in a grocery store, you are within your legal rights to burn the place to the ground.  It’s in the constitution, look it up.  And now, with much trepidation, we present to you…

The Guide to Non-Alcoholic Beer, Wine, and Liquor

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Ice Cream Beer and Beer Floats: America’s Kicking Dessert’s Ass

Posted on November 11, 2011 | 1 comment

“You scream, I scream, we all scream, for a higher BAC!”

~America

 

What’s one of the primary differences between America and Europe?  For those of you who shouted, “Americans shower every once and a while”- nice, that’s as sick burn.  But the real distinguishing characteristic is how we drink beer.  Americans like their beer cold and their homosexuals flaming, while Europeans like their  beer warm and their homosexuals frustratingly androgynous.  It’s just a defining characteristic of being American, like being ten years late in backing up Liberal social causes and overestimating the appeal of professional sports in the state of Florida.

Oh, yeah, just change it from “Florida” to “Miami,” that’ll totally put butts in the seats.

What we’re trying to say is, the colder the beer, the more we like to drink it.  You’re talking about a country that decided to take one of its beers that most resembles water (Coors) and make a special can that tells you when it’s cold enough to drink.  And America liked that idea so much that they decided to go even further and make it so that the can will tell you when it’s really cold.  We like our beer cold, and we could care less how it tastes at that point.

We’re honestly not sure if this label is trying to insult us or not.

Of course, there’s a certain point where beer is too cold.  Like when it solidifies.  We wouldn’t dare want that to happen…

Or would we?

Ice Cream Beer and Beer Floats:  America’s Kicking Dessert’s Ass

 

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Wade Boggs Drinks ALL Your Beers

Posted on November 2, 2011 | 1 comment

“It’s Miller Time, motherfuckers.  It’s ALWAYS Miller Time.”

~Wade Boggs


Baseball is America’s pastime in the same way that Bowling is a way of life for rural Midwestern towns.  The actual sport itself depends greatly on everyone else getting drunk.  If you ever had a professional baseball game that didn’t serve beer, Americans would start rioting faster than a bunch of British hooligans after their soccer team gets relegated.  As a result, baseball players themselves have to go out of their way to let you know how American they are.  In a league full of Neifi Perezes, the Babe Ruth-like figures are hard to come by.

Even today’s superstars leave something lacking.  Yes, Derek Jeter was sleeping with Buddy Garrity’s daughter, but wasn’t A-Rod seeing dinosaur-Madonna?  That’s a bad way to go.  Think about that.  The richest baseball player in the history of the game was, at one point, dating…  This.

“EEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

Fortunately, every once in a while, a true American is born, and instead of deciding to become a fighter pilot or mixologist, he chooses the path of baseball, and figures, if you’re going to do something well, might as well do something drunk.  That man may come along only once in a generation, and our generation’s American baseball hero happens to be Hall of Famer, and Miller Lite enthusiast, Wade Boggs.

Pictured here, during the physical act of lovemaking

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Onion Rings Are Fried American Goodness

Posted on October 18, 2011 | Leave a comment

“If it’s a vegetable, just cover it in dough and fry away the nature.”

~George Washington’s little-known cook book


In America, we like our food like we like our cars:  fast, greasy, and with scores of open containers of alcohol.  There’s a reason why you can’t think of a worthwhile American painter from the past 50 years but you can name a dozen fried food items you’ve ordered at a bar at one point in your life (French fries, jalapeno poppers, fried mushrooms, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, nachos, fried shrimp, chicken wings, need we go on?)   Yes, fried foods are delicious and unhealthy and sometimes involve beer, and we’ve told you plenty about the absurd combination of fried food goodness that exists in this nation.  But every so often, it’s time for us to take a step back and praise something absurdly unhealthy, yet so common place that we almost forget how special it truly is.

What we’re trying to say is…dammit Onion Rings, we can’t seem to quit you.  Here.  Have a fun fact.  A delicious, greasy fun fact.

We’re a classy enterprise, so we don’t feel it prudent to point out that this looks like a penis.

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American Fun Fact of the Day 9/17- Saturday Image of the Week

Posted on September 17, 2011 | 2 comments

“Finally found this fucking picture.”

~Johnny Roosevelt

It’s Saturday, which means it’s another opportunity for us to forgo responsibility and post a picture instead of some sort of meaningful article about, we don’t know, isinglass.  Fish swim bladders for booze.  Holy shit we absolutely need to write about that now.

Anyway, here’s a man drowning in beer.

 

Have a great weekend, everyone.

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London Drowns in Beer

Posted on August 2, 2011 | 3 comments

“And they say that, in their most dire moment, a chosen one will spurn his British curse, and become, spiritually, a true American.”

~The prophecy


America Fun Fact of the Day likes to keep things, you know, local.  Much like George Washington was a staunch isolationist, we don’t give a shit about what goes on outside of America.  Oh what’s that, Greece is poor?  Tough shit, sell the Parthenon or something.  Not our debt, not our problem.  We don’t even know what a European Union is, but if you put us on the spot we’d say…Soccer team?  British Iron Workers?  Again, we don’t know, we don’t care.

But, despite our extreme disinterest in other nations, we do understand that being American is more than just a geographical concept.  Hell, some of the least American people in the world were born and raised in America.  So, is it possible that there are American souls trapped in bodies that were born in un-American nations?  While this may go down as one of the most surprising statements you’ll hear from America’s proudest batch of Xenophobes, yes.  Yes it is possible.  Sometimes it just tales of incredible feats to us to realize that.

We’re talking about British people drowning in beer.

Or as the British call it, “Gobbling the Hozzywaller in the Fainterphone.”  Probably.  GOD that place is a mess.

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AFFotD Presents a Week of American Holidays (Part Five)

Posted on July 8, 2011 | 1 comment

“I don’t care what we’re celebrating, are you supposed to get shitty?  Yes?  GOOD.”

~America


As we’ve been seeing the past couple of days, America has shitload of Holidays.  There are national holidays, and there are the “lesser” holidays that aren’t nationally observed, but still get people out of work sometimes.  However, sometimes you have to work on a Holiday, and while that’s unfortunate, it’s more than made up for the fact that these holidays are little more than veiled excuses to drink heavily.

Pictured above:  Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day

So it is with this in mind that we delve into the last subset of American holidays- the American holidays that don’t give you a day off, but are nationally celebrated.  As always, these are ranked from least-to-most American.

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THIS PANCAKE IS MADE OF BEER

Posted on July 1, 2011 | 1 comment

“Why not just inject whiskey infused lard in me and get it over with you American bastard?”

~Your Arteries

When we asked John Goodman, AFFotD’s Food Critic and resident Dunkin’ Donut demander, what would be the most absurdly American breakfast item he could think of, he said, “Shit, I don’t know, maybe like a 14 inch pancake that’s made with a can of PBR…oh you son of a bitch, that exists doesn’t it?”  You know how this game is played, of course it fucking does.  When we asked him the follow up of how that can be made even more American he said, “Having an eating contest of…oh goddamn it, really?”

Yes.  Really.

That is why we are here to celebrate and report on the amazing feats of this insane Tempe, Arizona restaurant with our report on the giant beer pancake that can only be finished by men in Mexican wrestling masks.  Seriously.

“Como se dice OM NOM NOM”

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Money Grubbing Parents Need To Take Their Damn Hands Off Our Damn Four Lokos

Posted on May 30, 2011 | Leave a comment

“I want to have 12 lokos tonight!”

~This man knows what’s up

 

“There is no possible way I would regret this later in life.”

Binge drinking is about as American as binge drinking, and no one does it better than Americans.  While British people try to binge drink like us Americans, they don’t have the temperament for it, and usually end up just smashing pint glasses into each other’s faces.  No, America knows how to do it- you take one part “I love you man,” three parts “AC/DC is the BEST FUCKING BAND EVER” and about twenty parts alcohol.  But as we drink, we’re often faced with a very serious problem- drowsiness.  Alcohol is a depressant, and it can make you go from alert to passed out in a fairly short time.

He knew the risks

To quote the famous Senator, Tim Calhoun, “Sometimes you want to stay up and party, and the cocaine really helps you do that.”  But Cocaine is illegal (which isn’t that big of a deal) and not made in America (which is a big deal) and also doesn’t mix well with alcohol (…probably?) so American ingenuity came up with the brilliant principle…just add caffeine to the booze!  It’s so simple!  Rum and cokes were soon replaced by more potent mixtures, like Red Bulls and Vodka,s until they finally gave way to the most glorious alcoholic caffeinated concoction in American history…

May cause hallucinations

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America Fun Fact of the Day 5/29- May 29th in American History

Posted on May 29, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Who else is ready for Memorial Day weekend?  Alright, just do one of those lazy ‘This Day in American History’ things.”

~AFFotD’s Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

As we prepare for our hyper-American Memorial Day barbeque, where we basically replace charcoal with Bacardi 151 while swapping out hamburgers and hog dogs with…well, just larger version of hot dogs and hamburgers because you can’t get much more American than grilled hamburger and hot dogs, we like to take quiet reflection on this day that has, in the past, been a Memorial Day in its own right (maybe).

Anyway, we are just going to ramble off some things that happened today, okay?

Today’s American day in American history

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