Tag Archives: Onion Rings

Ranking the Ridiculous Food Items That Might Be Added to the 2017 Menu of the West Michigan Whitecaps Class A Baseball Team

“We will let you choose what gives you your next heart attack.”

~The Western Michigan Whitecaps’ Food Director

whitecaps

We’ve talked about Minor League Baseball before—specifically, how the menus at Minor League Baseball stadiums tend to be what you might call “eccentric” if you weren’t allowed to use the term “batshit fucking insane what, really, WHAT!?” among polite company.  It makes sense—there’s not necessarily a lot of star power in most minor league games, so owners try to bring in fans with fun gimmicks, which can include wrapping a cheese filled bratwurst with sausage, then bacon, and frying the fucker.  That wasn’t just us making up some random over the top example, that fucking exists.

Which brings us to the Western Michigan Whitecaps, a Single-A affiliate of the Detroit Tigers who play, and stay with us because this is confusing, at the Fifth Third Ballpark in the Grand Rapids suburb of Comstock Park.  Yes, we know, our heads hurt too.  Anyway, they take the tradition of “let’s serve crazy shit to fans” to the next level, and since 2009 they have provided fans with a series of food options that they can vote for, with the winner being sold in the stadium for the next season.

Now if you plan on voting, you can do so here, but you don’t want to make this decision uninformed.  So we’re going to go through each potential menu item, giving you a systematic breakdown of each insane item, before telling you what the best option is.  Ready?  Here we go!

Ranking the Ridiculous Food Items That Might Be Added to the 2017 Menu of the West Michigan Whitecaps Class A Baseball Team

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Onion Rings Are Fried American Goodness

“If it’s a vegetable, just cover it in dough and fry away the nature.”

~George Washington’s little-known cook book


In America, we like our food like we like our cars:  fast, greasy, and with scores of open containers of alcohol.  There’s a reason why you can’t think of a worthwhile American painter from the past 50 years but you can name a dozen fried food items you’ve ordered at a bar at one point in your life (French fries, jalapeno poppers, fried mushrooms, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, nachos, fried shrimp, chicken wings, need we go on?)   Yes, fried foods are delicious and unhealthy and sometimes involve beer, and we’ve told you plenty about the absurd combination of fried food goodness that exists in this nation.  But every so often, it’s time for us to take a step back and praise something absurdly unhealthy, yet so common place that we almost forget how special it truly is.

What we’re trying to say is…dammit Onion Rings, we can’t seem to quit you.  Here.  Have a fun fact.  A delicious, greasy fun fact.

We’re a classy enterprise, so we don’t feel it prudent to point out that this looks like a penis.

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