Tag Archives: America

[REDACTED] Tries The Pizza Hut Stuffed Topping Pizza

Posted on April 28, 2011 | 9 comments

“Alright, he deserves a break.  Let him try that ridiculous, gloriously American pizza.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

A few weeks ago, we informed you of the most beautiful pizza ever concocted- the Pizza Hut Toppings Stuffed Pizza.  This glorious conspiracy against your arteries has been unleashed onto America for a limited time only, so we had to get our staff to do a review on it.  Unfortunately, most of our staff members only have collegiate degrees in cursing, and our food critic, John Goodman, is on a two week vacation to celebrate his Oscar we stole for him.  So we had only one place to turn.  We had to turn to the monster we had created, a man hellbent on revenge for the things we had put him through.

photo unrelated

That’s right.  We had to turn…to [REDACTED].  For those of you unfamiliar with his tale of woe, [REDACTED] is a staff member and investigative journalist whose name has been stricken from all of our documents to protect him from the fact that we once made him eat at a Vegan restaurant.  After a series of tricks and cruel assignments, he finally snapped and escaped from our supervision, spending a strange week drinking and ghost-walking piers in Chicago.

He’s been in isolation ever since, regaining his American zeal and, well, sanity through a series of therapeutic procedures, so…hopefully, he’s ready to see the light of day.  Because we really want to know if this pizza is any good.  We’re guessing it fucking is.

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Carnival Foods, America’s Dirty Little Secret

Posted on April 27, 2011 | 7 comments

“The link between sugar and cavities have never been truly confirmed.  I say, let your dentist worry about it.”

~Milton S. Hershey

One of the least controversial statements an American can make is, “Carnivals are fucking awesome.”  Be it a state fair, a traveling amusement park, or a Cruise line where many passengers get gastronomical illnesses, carnivals encompass everything American, from the games of chance meant to scam hardworking marks to the impressively unhealthy food inventions that they spawn.

Carnival food in particular has become a bit of a cultural phenomenon in recent years, coinciding with the increasingly “Foodie” culture that many white people Americans have embraced.  After the breakdown of the “health food” movement, Americans correctly realized that they had wasted a good portion of the late 90’s eating things like “soy beans” and “wheatgrass” and other strange foods that come in unnatural colors like “green” and “brown.”  So Americans everywhere flocked to carnivals to revel in what carnivals do best: shortsighted innovation!

“So how about we take sugar, add some food coloring, spin it until it’s fluffy, and then stuff it in a bag a small child’s head can and will fit in?”

“Brilliant!”

As Americans, it’s our duty to go out of our way to find food that will wage war against our small intestines.  And Carnivals, state fairs, and outdoor festivals give Americans the best opportunity to ingest their yearly calorie intake in just a few minutes.  And goddamn it if that doesn’t sound American as hell to us.  Here are the most American foods you’ll every pay a Carnie to put in your mouth.

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AFFotD Oscars For Deserving American Actors (Part 2)

Posted on April 26, 2011 | 3 comments

“How have I NOT won an Oscar?”

~Harrison Ford

As we established in yesterday’s fun fact, the Oscars are not always fair.  Sometimes they can be cruel, political film awards that completely ignore some classic American performances.  That’s why we decided to do something about it, and forcibly steal other actors’ hard earned Oscars and give them to more worthy recipients.  So, here, please see our final two American Oscar Award winners.

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AFFotD Oscars For Deserving American Actors (Part 1)

Posted on April 25, 2011 | 2 comments

“And the Oscar goes to…”

~William Shakespeare, probably


In 1929, Hollywood held the first, “Hey guys, aren’t we awesome?” party that eventually went on to be known as the “Academy Awards.”  Ever since that point, the Oscars have become a yearly tradition meant to celebrate brilliant films, powerful performances, and weird dresses.  And while the Academy Awards carry with them a lot of prestige and respect within the film circles, there is one little problem with them.  They are not nearly American enough.

Every  year, there are notable Oscar snubs, but worse than the snubs is fact that, throughout the past 82 years, some of the most quintessential American roles have never been recognized by the Academy.  We at AFFotD are here to fix that.  We’re giving out official Oscars to the four American actors who have been repeatedly screwed over (most of them are on staff) by the Academy, and for good measure we’re going to commit copious amounts of assault and rob the awards from other recipients who are not nearly American enough to deserve the honor.

While this isn’t a black-tie event, tuxes are recommended (it really classes up the part where we mercilessly beat other actors).  We’ll wait for you to change.

That’s better.  And now, to name our post-award recipients of Academy Awards.  America style.

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Newman’s Day, Why Beer Comes in Cases

Posted on April 24, 2011 | 7 comments

“No guys please don’t do th…”

~Paul Newman, American Hero


A wise man once said, “to binge drink is to be American.  To sip at it like a fucking bitch is to get a hard punch to the face.”  That wise man was AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt, immediately after he was informed on the “rules” for wine tasting.  Because it makes no sense to spit out alcohol in any circumstances.  Have we learned nothing from the sacrifices made in the film Beerfest!?

Never was there such a tale of woe…

Yes, if you aren’t drinking recklessly, well, you’re not really drinking are you?  That’s our motto at least (“hey, AFFotD, I thought your motto was like ‘fuck nature’ or something” well we’re allowed to have more than one motto okay dayumn!)  And, while there are numerous ways to overindulge in the fine art of liquor, very rarely do we see it turned into a celebration.  A day where dangerous drinking is not only encouraged, it’s mandated.  A day that exemplifies the finest qualities of an American hero.  A day that is the reason that, right now, someone is reading this on Easter Sunday and shouting to their roommate, “HOLY SHIT THIS ARTICLE KNOWS!  IT FUCKING KNOWS MAN!”

We do, John.  We know all.

How much are you freaking out right now man!?

That day of course, is Newman’s Day (or “Newman Day” if you want to go with what Wikipedia says).  Largely prevalent in schools where you would not assume to find Herculean bouts of alcoholism (Princeton and Yale), it has since spread across the nation to schools such as Marquette University, Northwestern University, Johns Hopkins, and even Newman’s Alma Mater, Kenyon College.

The origin of this day is attributed to a comment made by Paul Newman at a Princeton commencement address, where he stated, “24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence? I think not.”  This is such an amazing quotation that even if you start to search for it, Google will stop you and go, “No, we get it we get it, you’re looking for that drinking day, here you go.  Seriously don’t waste our time by typing the rest of this out.”

“We get it, you’re an alcoholic, here’s your goddamn link.”  When did Google start getting so catty?

Obviously, in response to such a quote, the only logical thing to do was to take that advice seriously, and drink a whole case of beer in one day.  So with that in mind, we are going to celebrate with…

AFFotD’s April 24th All-Inclusive Guide to Celebrating (and Surviving) Newman’s Day

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America Fun Fact of the Day 4/23- Saturday Image of the Week

Posted on April 23, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Wax on, wax off, w…oh, wait, this is the other movie?”

~Pat Morita

This American Saturday, we at America Fun Fact of the Day wanted to get a picture of a giraffe with a shotgun shooting a communist.  We couldn’t find that though.  Instead, here’s a picture from the 3 Ninjas.

Have a good weekend, everybody.

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Mad Anthony Wayne: Actually Batman

Posted on April 22, 2011 | 2 comments

“Too Italian.  What else you got?”

~Movie Executives at the suggestion of naming Marion Morrison “Anthony Wayne” instead of “John Wayne”

Being a General of the Revolutionary War is a pretty good point to have on a “Why I’m an Awesome American” resume.  Being the basis for the name “John Wayne” makes you worthy of an American Fun Fact of the Day.   Having your nickname insinuate that you’re balls-to-the-ceiling crazy?  Well, that’s just to be expected for the man who Batman was fucking named after.  All in a day’s work for Mad Anthony Wayne, the man who puts the “Do not fuck with me” into “America.”

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America’s Crazy Celebrity Mug Shots (Part 3)

Posted on April 21, 2011 | 1 comment

“You are absolutely not surprised to see we’ve been arrested.”

~Everyone appearing in this article

As we’ve seen in the last two days of fun facts, American celebrities like to really make it a point to let you know that they can get away with anything.  And below, the final group of celebrities, prove that this is pretty much true.  America is a great place to be famous!

…But that’s not stopping us from taking great pleasure in seeing these smug mug shots.
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America’s Crazy Celebrity Mug Shots (Part 2)

Posted on April 20, 2011 | 3 comments

“Ahhhh…Cocaine…”

~Robert Downey Jr.

As mentioned in yesterday’s fun fact, American celebrities take advantage of their wealth to practice their “I don’t give a shit” faces for mug shots.  Continuing with that theme, AFFotD presents to you the mug shots of (currently) respectable Americans.

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America’s Crazy Celebrity Mug Shots (Part 1)

Posted on April 19, 2011 | 4 comments

“Do I look crazy enough?  I want this shot to look REAL crazy.”

~Nick Nolte, 2002


America loves a good Mug Shot.  The photograph taken by police officers as you’re booked for a criminal charge truly proves the phrase, “A picture is worth a thousand words,” which is a term that we at AFFotD enjoy because reading hurts our brain, and you can pretty much figure out the plot of Yertle the Turtle without having to read the damn “story” anyway.  With a Mug Shot, we can see the whole series of events that led to that singular low point, all summed up with a smug look that says either, “I’m so making bail,” or, “Busted,” (depending on how rich and famous you are.)

Yes, seeing an average schlub like Johnny Half-Beard up there in cuffs being photographed by cops can afford us hours of entertainment.  The Smoking Gun is able to find enough people with butterfly face tattoos being arrested that they can populate the hell out of their site just by posting these things for everyone to point and laugh at.  But for every mug shot of a man making his face look like a shrunken head or moustache-tattoo-saying-“Ladies Love It” there are literally thousands of mug shots that are either boring, neutral, or actively depressing.  If Mug Shots of regular people were a football player, they’d be Rex Grossman- when they work, they’re glorious, but most of the time you’re just wondering why they’re on the field at all.

But Celebrity mug shots?  Of Americans?  Now that never fails to inspire.  When you see a celebrity’s Mug Shot, you know the following things.  A- the picture is going to show someone either incredibly smug, or incredibly wasted.  B- They are going to pay bail shortly after that Mug Shot is taken, so they really don’t give a shit.  And C- they’ve done far worse shit and gotten away with it.

Celebrity Mug Shots combines watching Americans embrace their status as above the law, while giving non AFFotD writing Americans a nice sense of Schadenfreude.  Actually, we’re not going to use that term, because German is not English, so we’re going to call it “The sense of Ha Ha You Fucked Up.”  Or HHYFU.  True famous Americans embrace the Mug Shot as the most public way to flaunt your fame and wealth this side of making it rain during the President’s State of the Union address.  Which, oddly enough, is how half of the AFFotD staff ended up getting their own Mug Shots (apparently chucking money and shouting, “Where my bitches at?” is not allowed in that setting.  Who knew?).  So, with that in mind, let us look at…

America’s Best Celebrity Mug Shots (Of Americans Who Clearly Don’t Give Two Shits)

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