Category Archives: Insulting Foreigners

Because apparently things happen to countries that aren’t America, and we occasionally write about them. Doesn’t mean we have to like it, though sometimes we do begrudgingly offer our approval. Only sometimes though. Goddamn it, Japan, you’re doing it wrong!

Wherein AFFotD Defends American Speech Patterns From The Radical And Problematic Views Of The Foolish British

“I don’t even care, you guys.  They’re not even people.  They’re just…British.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt


Much like a stubborn teenager who grew up to be far more successful and powerful than their father, America has a complicated relationship with England.  We ran away from home, they burned down our President’s House, we made them feel embarrassed by being so American and awesome, but we still keep in touch sometimes and we like to say that we’re still pretty close friends even though we only see each other a few times a year.

So it always saddens us when we hear British people foolishly try to tell us we’re doing shit wrong.  It doesn’t happen often, because after we remind them that we saved their asses in doubleyou doubleyou two, they fucking owe us, but they still sometimes let criticisms squeak through.

Like this BBC article listing off the 50 “worst” “Americanisms.”  Pssh, way to be oxymoronic, douchebags.  In their classic attempt to write an article without writing an article, these dentist’s nightmares decided to have their readers mail in their least favorite “Americanisms,” as long with an explanation of why they’re bothered by it.

Let’s go through the list and tell them why they’re wrong wrong wrong.  Goddamn limeys.

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[REDACTED] Live-Blogs the WWC Championship Between USA and Japan

“I’m not even surprised at this point.  Just sad.”

~[REDACTED]

The Women’s World Cup is the biggest thing to happen to Soccer’s popularity in America since the Men’s World Cup last year that you had totally forgotten about until we just mentioned it here.  And as a result, we’ve been using it as a good opportunity to tranquilize the coffee of our investigative journalist, [REDACTED], and force him to live-blog some soccer games.  He doesn’t know anything about soccer (because, you know, America) and as much as he likes rooting for America and rooting against countries who we have fought against in wars (looking at you, Japan), he still really hates this whole gig.

And we like making sure he knows his damn place, so he was at hand to blog about the Women’s World Cup Championship match between America and Japan.  By the time he came to in the utility closet we stuck him in, we heard a lot of loud wailing, which was replaced by some whimpering and keyboard taps about five minutes into the game.  We printed up the following, taped it to a brick, and chucked it through Johnny Roosevelt’s window, so without further adieu, here is [REDACTED]‘s liquor-fueled description of the game.

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[REDACTED] Live-Blogs The WWC USA vs. France Semifinal Match

“…Holy shit, this thing is popular now?  Oh no…you’re…not again…”

~[REDACTED]


When we had our notorious undercover journalist, [REDACTED], do a play-by-play commentary of the U.S. Women’s World Cup match against North Korea, we were doing it to fuck with him.  Call us sadistic bastards (God knows [REDACTED] does) but we wanted to see him squirm.  North Korea’s women looked like men.  Our women, though American and thus blessed with both outer and inner beauty, were forced to play a sport that we’re pretty sure was invented by amputees.  An average AFFotD staffer’s response to watching a soccer match is to shout, “JUST PICK IT UP WITH YOUR DAMN HANDS IT’D BE SUCH A COMPETITIVE ADVANTAGE!”  We know so little about soccer that the first time someone in the office used the word “Pelé” we honestly thought they were saying in very rudimentary terms that they wanted to pay for sex.

…Get it?  Pay lay?  See that’s the problem, we know so little about soccer that Dane Cook could conceivably write a better informed soccer joke.  Maybe.  Well, not Dane Cook, but you get the idea.

“Ha, so, like, I was having SEXUAL INTERCOURSE with a FAIR MAIDEN and something something RED CARD!”  Seriously though, remember 2007 when Dane Cook was a movie actor?  Yeah we blocked that from our memories too.+

Of course, our mockery of the Women’s World Cup totally changed this past Sunday when America decided to wow the shit out of everyone with an engaging, dramatic, and stressful shoot out victory against Brazil.  We learned a few things.  First of all, America is going to give a shit about soccer for the next week or so.  Secondly, the Women’s team is gloriously American, right down to the player who sang “Born in the USA” into a stadium microphone after scoring a goal.  And additionally, and this is important everyone, Hope Solo is incredibly attractive.  Hot athletes are a game changer.  And Hope Solo is a glorious beacon of America.

And with that, America breathes a contented sigh.

America’s ADD-riddled minds have been captivated by this spunky collection of beautiful yet powerful athletes, and goofy but endearing role players.  Women that will settle for nothing less than victory for America.  So, we locked [REDACTED] back in the TV closet to give us a running commentary on yesterday’s World Cup Semifinal match between Hope Solo and Friends Team USA and… THE FRENCH.  Goddamn French!

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Wherein AFFotD Declares A Blog War Against A Pandemic Foe, Who Doth Dare Assert That America Is Doomed

“Boys, get out your phallus thesaurus, we got ourselves a good old-fashioned blog fight!”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt


America Fun Fact of the Day prides itself as being an apolitical entity.  Sure, we’ll rip on Jimmy Carter, but really, who gives a shit about Jimmy Carter?  We also rip on Richard Nixon because we’re pretty sure he tried to coax us into the back of a van with candy one time.  We don’t talk about George Bush other than to point out that, surprisingly, Dick Cheney was not one of America’s ugliest vice-presidents, and we don’t talk about Barack Obama other than to point out that motherfucker is brewing beer and that’s kind of awesome.  But when actual politics come into the fold, we like to sit on the sideline.  Honestly, if you belong to a particular political party, we don’t really care unless you threaten to take away our booze or say shit against America.  Oh, and we have issues with PETA, but they don’t count.

Seriously, how can a protest campaign ONLY center around naked women and mutilated animals?  How does that make sense?

So when it comes to strong political ideals, we don’t really get the point.  The only difference between a tax cut and a tax hike is a bottle of whiskey and a drunken competitive game of skee ball.  We feel the need to point out that we have no liberal agenda, and no conservative agenda, and we go so far out of our way to avoid taking sides on hot topic issues that we won’t even make jokes about abortions, since both sides react to those by throwing eggs at us, and we hate having to clean our fucking walls.

Why are we going out of the way to point out how politically neutral we are?  Because we’re going to direct our editorial, American venom towards a left-wing blog.  “Oh, AFFotD, that’s not cool, why would you pick on a Liberal blog?  There are insane Conservative blogs all over, saying all sorts of inflammatory shit.”  We know, dear reader, we understand your trepidation.  But you should know what this blog is called.

That’s right.

America Doomed.

Aww HELL no!  We’re ready to go all Mike Adams on your headass.  The gloves are off.  This is America we’re talking about, we need to defend it from eunuchs like this.

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[REDACTED] Watches the Women’s World Cup Soccer Match Between America and North Korea

“[REDACTED] has been getting a free pass for far too long.  He fled our confines and how did we reward him?  We let him eat incredibly unhealthy pizza.  It has been affecting morale in the office, so we are going to make that fucker watch some Women’s World Cup Soccer.”

~Official AFFotD Memo, June 28th


As a longtime contributor, occasional hostage-situation describer, and our only investigative journalist, [REDACTED] is a fixture in the AFFotD offices in the same way our water pipes are.  That is to say, sure, they have lead, we want to get rid of them, but goddamn it it’s tough to get yourself motivated to put forth effort after your sixth Wednesday afternoon scotch and soda.  So, as per the official Memo sent to our office just yesterday, the powers that be have decided that it’s about time that [REDACTED] have to deal with some shit he won’t like.  We’re no longer letting him coast by on wild nights out or pizza binges, we’re going to actually make him write up on America based topics that the rest of the staff wouldn’t want to touch with a ten foot pole.

That’s right.  Women’s Soccer.  Ugh.  The hell is this bullshit?  That’s what [REDACTED] is going to have to figure out as we send him out to do a report on the first round of the Women’s World Cup (there’s a Women’s World Cup now?) between USA (USA!  USA!) and North Korea (…ha)

[REDACTED] is Forced to Watch a Women’s Competitive Soccer Match

 

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AFFotD’s Book Review of “Kill All The Belgians”

“Book review?  Only if it’s extremely negative to other cultures.  It IS?  Sure I’ll give it a shot, then”

~AFFotD Book Reading Guy, Chuck Palahniuk

 

Books are scary.  Look at those assholes up there, just… looking all…rustic and shit.  Since you are reading an America Fun Fact of the Day, we can safely assume that we should explain what books are to you, the semi-literate reader.

“Hey that there tuxedo bird hurt it head, hyuk”

Books are a series of pieces of paper that are usually organized in a way to inform the reader or tell a story.  They are “bound” together using glue or string or magic or whatever shit they use, and the front of a book is usually a “cover” that will have a picture telling you what the book is called, and giving you an idea what it is about.  About half the time the cover has something to do with Fabio.  Popular books include, The Bible, Harry Potter, and The Day My Butt Went Psycho.  Books should be viewed as dangerous, however, as they often will force Americans to read, and greatly increase your risk of paper cuts, which always suck, no matter how much Neosporin you put on them.

IT DOES NOTHING!

That is why we at the AFFotD offices are hesitant to begin our next segment.  While we were perusing the google translate for various Belgium website (as most people do in their spare time when their firewall blocks out porn) when we found a garbled article decrying a book written by an American that paints the Belgians (Belgiums?  Belges?  Gums?) in a particular negative right.  For whatever reason, Belgians had a problem with this book, and were offended by it.  That got our attention.  If an American is pissing off a foreign nation, we’re going to approve of it.  When we found out that it was a children’s book with pictures, we got even more excited, because that meant that at least 60% of our staff would be able to make some sense out of it at least.  And finally, we saw the title…

Yes, that’s right.  Let’s Kill All The Belgians: A Child’s Guide to Genocide.  We had a lengthy argument in the office about if that was the best book title ever, or the best book title ever, eventually settling on a fistfight.  So we figured, coming in at a whopping seven pages, we out to give Danny Wind’s masterpiece a proper review.  So now, here is the first ever AFFotD Book Review (of America!)

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AFFotD’s News Item of the Month: What the Fuck, Japan?

“Goddamn it Japan, you’re DOING IT WRONG!”

~America Fun Fact of the Day


Every once in a while, the man who we hired to read news stories out loud to us (because…reading?  Eww) comes across something shocking, disturbing, and downright terrifying.  We don’t know what these stories are going to be, but we have expectations for worst case scenarios.  For example, there could be a report about state banning liquor.  Maybe an article about people turning poop into beef.  Or, God forbid, a story about parasites live in potato chips and cause your face to melt.

Of course, we never run into anything like…wait.  What?

…No…

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Oh God no, no nooooooooo.

Don’t make us do it… Don’t make us make this…

AFFotD’s News Item of the Month

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AFFotD’s Review of “Red Dawn”

“A million thumbs up!”

~A drunken Roger Ebert

Entertainment is always crafted with a certain audience in mind.  Joss Whedon creates TV shows and films to cater to feminists and nerds.  Michael Bay makes films for people who hate coherent plots but love boobs and bombs.  Ever since 2002, M. Night Shyamalan has been making films intended for recent stroke victims.

“Is that my daughter on the television tube?”

However, there is a special subset of films that are occasionally released that the AFFotD staff loves the most.  Obviously, these would be movies meant for true Americans.  While these movies are often properly lauded, occasionally they slip through the cracks, and instead of sweeping the Oscars get mediocre reviews from critics, despite being badass enough to warrant a “probably won’t be that good” remake.

We’re of course talking about the film Red Dawn, which will be reviewed in today’s issue of…

AFFotD’s Night at the Movies

Wolverines!

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Let’s Pretend Andre the Giant is From America

“No more rhymes, now, I mean it.”

“Anyone want a peanut?”

“GAH!”

~Seriously you guys, how good was The Princess Bride?


We at the AFFotD offices often have to swallow quite a modicum of our pride when we’re encountered by foreigners who accomplish American deeds.  After all, you don’t have to be a born American to become a governor of one of the nation’s most populous states.  Or to knock up the help.  So that’s why, when we were watching The Princess Bride in our weekly “watching a chick flick that is actually totally acceptable to watch” night, we figured it was time that we gave proper deference to a Frenchmananoghieipghepwaighpae.

Sorry, the temp we had typing that spontaneously combusted- we have our keyboard wired to set fire whenever something positive is said about people from that…F country.  But yes, we’re here to salute Andre the Giant, who did enough amazing American things in American, that we posthumously have declared him an American.  Because we’re running out of interns to explode, and we want to take credit for him.  So from now on, his birth will be described in “Georgia” instead of “Grenoble, France.”  Because you have no idea how much Andre the Giant could drink.

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The Royal Wedding Was So Blah Blah We Don’t Care

“Oh La de da I’m getting married and shit.”

~The king or whatever

So apparently when British people get married, it’s a big deal.  Some of you might be saying, “Oh, no, it’s not that, it’s a royal wedding” as if that’s supposed to make sense to us Americans.  We only know of two people who go by “The King.”  Elvis is long dead, and we didn’t hold a nationwide pageant for when Lebron James knocked up his girlfriend, so why is America so riveted by a balding man who is about 7 years removed from being considered a sex symbol getting married to an 8.  Granted, an American 8 is the equivalent of a British 10, but you don’t see us waking up early to watch that wedding happen live.

“Oh but she looks so glamorous and” yeah yeah we get it we don’t care.

But apparently, it’s a pretty big deal right now, to the point that there are already articles about the goddamn diet that they think Kate Middleton used to lose weight for the wedding.  So whatever, it’s what people want to hear about, so here you go.

AFFotD’s Half-Assed Guide to Some Wedding Between Two Rich Foreign People From a Country That Wears Silly Shit

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