The Royal Wedding Was So Blah Blah We Don’t Care

“Oh La de da I’m getting married and shit.”

~The king or whatever

So apparently when British people get married, it’s a big deal.  Some of you might be saying, “Oh, no, it’s not that, it’s a royal wedding” as if that’s supposed to make sense to us Americans.  We only know of two people who go by “The King.”  Elvis is long dead, and we didn’t hold a nationwide pageant for when Lebron James knocked up his girlfriend, so why is America so riveted by a balding man who is about 7 years removed from being considered a sex symbol getting married to an 8.  Granted, an American 8 is the equivalent of a British 10, but you don’t see us waking up early to watch that wedding happen live.

“Oh but she looks so glamorous and” yeah yeah we get it we don’t care.

But apparently, it’s a pretty big deal right now, to the point that there are already articles about the goddamn diet that they think Kate Middleton used to lose weight for the wedding.  So whatever, it’s what people want to hear about, so here you go.

AFFotD’s Half-Assed Guide to Some Wedding Between Two Rich Foreign People From a Country That Wears Silly Shit

Oh great, now the Brits are making Cthulhu into hat form.

Kate Middleton and Prince William met while in school in 2001, when they started dating, and we’re just so upset that we know that now.  We could have used that space in our brain to invent more effective way of drinking shots, or maybe like a rabbit that spits fire and hates nature or something, but nope.  We know how long some English Prince has been dating some British chick who would be desperately hoping for a Jen Sterger like situation if she were in America.  But do we know how many beers are in a keg?  Oh, well, bad example, because it’s 165, but you get the gist.

To answer your question, yes we’re just going to be showing pictures of British people looking ridiculous.  The guy on the right looks like a young version of Basil Exposition from Austin Powers.  Discuss

The storied couple broke up in 2007 for a brief time, at which point Prince William went out and spent $22,000 on a bar tab.  Okay, yeah, we fully endorse that.  They apparently got together after that, likely when Prince William looked in the mirror and went, “HOLY SHIT I’M BALDING” while Kate Middleton thought, “I want to be a princess dammit!”

Holy shit, guys, this woman decided to go to the wedding dressed as The Tick!

Anyway, they got married and it was extremely expensive and Prince William dressed up like the actual musical artist Prince, if he decided to dye his clothing red.

Also…and we just noticed this.  Prince William never opens his teeth when he smiles.  You can see him forcing his jaw shut every time he smiles.  Every damn time.

Every

Damn

Time.

Anyway, they got married and they don’t live in America.  At some point down the road, a much balder version of the groom will the a figurehead in England.  The end.