America Fun Fact of the Day

Posted in Strange America

Tagged A Christmas Story, America, Aqua Dots, BB Gun, Cabbage Patch Kids, Christmas, Creepy Crawlers, Dangerous Toys, iLaunch, Toys

Goddamn It Japan, You’re Doing It Wrong: Japanese Wendy’s

Posted on December 5, 2012 | 2 comments

“No, we can’t write about Wendy’s! THEY’LL FIND US!”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

As some of our more intrepid readers might remember, AFFotD has a dark history with one particular American fast food establishment. Yes, for a period of time every spicy chicken sandwich you ate directly helped feed the AFFotD gambling debts coffers, but it came at the cost of our souls. Also at the cost of a few of our weaker family members, and one of our staffers house cat. Eventually, we were able to free ourselves from the corporate shilling curse, and continue to be independently drunk and American.

Of course, Wendy’s knew we couldn’t keep from talking about them forever. And after a few hard hitting exposés about Japan’s attempts at subverting American fast food, we discovered that Japan treated Wendy’s the same way they treat just about every goddamn fast food chain, so we figured we’d be safe of Wendy’s Necronomical influences if we talked about it, given that they were received so meekly in Japan that in 2009 they closed all 71 of their Japanese locations. Unfortunately, this lasted less than two years, and now Wendy’s has again opened its doors to Japanese terror culture. As of now, there are only two restaurants in the entire country, but that of course hasn’t stopped them from making nightmarish culinary creations that, despite our misgivings, force us to exclaim…

Goddamn It Japan, You’re Doing It Wrong: Japanese Wendy’s

Posted in Japan, Wendy's Presents

Tagged Caviar, Expensive Hamburgers, Foie Gras, Goddamn It Japan You're Doing it Wrong, Hamburgers, Japan, lobster, Wendy's

The Mountain’s 2013 T-Shirt Series

Posted on November 28, 2012 | 1 comment

“There are new shirts from The Mountain? Oh my God, I’m so excited right now. So so excited.”

~AFFotD Editor-In-Chief Johnny Roosevelt after a Mountain Dew and Purple Drank binge

There are a few landmark cultural events that are forever burned into our memories. They were momentous occasions that defined a nation and shaped every single one of us in the best ways possible. The appeal of prohibition. Neil Armstrong’s moon walk. The first bottle of American Honey hitting store shelves. All of these pale in comparison to The Mountain designing and pressing the Three Wolves T-Shirt. Finally, a shirt that could only be enhanced by the addition of potato chip grease stains, a shirt that ranged in size from “no you’re going to want something larger than large” all the way to “XXX-Large.” It combined all the raw American predatory energy of wolves with howling and the moon to create a piece of tailored fabric that apparently causes American super powers.

But Americans are never content to do one thing great, and the creative minds at The Mountain were no different. When they introduced their Big Face Animal series, we were right there sifting through the Funyuns and weed smoke to show you biking pigs and space gorillas. And then, earlier this year, we got up from our La-Z-Boys, put some ointment on our bed sores, and shared with you our thoughts of the second batch of shirts designed by these cowboy hat wearing geniuses.

Recently, as we were going through their site looking for Christmas presents for our friends, families, and the one guy on our mailing list that won’t stop messaging us with cryptic demands that we write about the Solar System more, we could hardly contain our excitement when we saw that the 2013 Big Face Animal collection was out and available for purchase. Because apparently if you’re going to be releasing T-shirts of giant kitten faces, you have to release them a year in advance. You know, like a Kia.

But look at us, babbling on when we could be showing you pictures of giant bee faces. Behold, the 2013 Mountain T-Shirt collection! Continue reading →

1 Comment

Posted in Big Face Animal Shirts

Tagged America, American Honey, Big Face Animal, Double Rainbow, Rambo, The Mountain, Three Wolves Shirt, Unicorn

Wherein AFFotD Exalts Thanksgiving While Spurning Mother Nature Network’s Insidious Attempt To Feed America Vegetables

Posted on November 20, 2012 | Leave a comment

“No, no no no, please, I’ll say anything you want, just please stop making me eat these dishes, NOT ON THANKSGIVING GODDAMNIT!”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

Thanksgiving is one of the most incredible American holidays imaginable. If you’re anything like our staff, you relish the opportunity to drink beer and watch football as your family members awkwardly assume outdated gender roles while you wait to get drunk enough to start lecturing your nieces and nephews about the unfair pricing practices of the local Filipino rub and tug massage parlor. Listen, we’re just saying, given how much the happy ending costs, we’re pretty sure that tip should be included in the price already. But we digress.

This is a wonderful time of year, a time where we can sit back and reflect on all the Indians we’ve brutally slaughtered in the past, and give thanks for the fact that turkeys are so ugly that they’re just begging to be beheaded, plucked, and put in an oven for half a day.

But sometimes, dark storm clouds gather over what should be a joyous day. Maybe there’s a Lions fan in your family. Maybe everyone tries another one of those pesky “interventions” because “when you drink you get angry and say hurtful things” which would mean, you know, no day drinking. Or maybe, God forbid…a vegetarian somehow ends up being in charge of your food options.

So when we were made aware of this article by the Mother Nature Network entitled “5 Amazingly Tasty Vegetarian Thanksgiving Options” we couldn’t contain our bloodlust. No turkey? Really? Fuck Mother Nature Network for even positing such a terrifying alternate reality.

Let’s take a look at this list. May God have mercy on our souls. Continue reading →

Posted in Strange Foods

Tagged America, Cranberry, Fuck Nature, Gravy, healthy food, Hover Your Mouse Over Each Image, Makers Mark, Mashed Potatoes, Stuffing, Thanksgiving, Turkey

America’s Strangest (And Most Disgusting) Vodkas

Posted on November 14, 2012 | 6 comments

“Don’t care. Still would take a shot of it.”

~Americans

We love our alcohol like we like our women—alone with us in the dark, futility unable to stifle our sobs. It doesn’t really matter what kind, of course, as long as it helps us forget everything, for just a moment. Yes, we prefer bourbon, because this is America, but there’s nothing wrong with drinking vodka (unless you needlessly filter vodka through gold to justify making rich people spend too much money on it). Vodka’s just a neutral spirit which, as we’ve previously established, is the best type of booze to add crazy flavors to.

This is a blessing for Americans who don’t like the taste of alcohol, but naturally want to get wasted because we are in America goddamnit, since vodka can be turned into literally dozens of delicious flavors that’ll ensure that, “Wow, I can barely taste the alcohol in this!” is the last thing you remember saying before you find yourself waking up in a frat boy’s bead with a killer hangover and a profound sense of shame (this of course only applies to the men reading this—for our female readers, replace the second part of that last sentence with “waking up to find a new Facebook gallery consisting solely of you riding a mechanical bull and making duck faces”). Most flavors make sense. Raspberry? Sounds delicious! Orange? Sure! Whipped cream? Uh…what?

That’s right, America. We’re drinking the worst swills available to tell you about…

America’s Strangest (And Most Disgusting) Vodkas

6 Comments

Posted in Strange Alcohol, Vodka

Tagged America, Booze, Dude Vodka, Ed Hardy, Pickle, Skorpio, strange flavors, Three Olives, vodka

Eggs Benedict: The Best American Breakfast With The Least American Name

Posted on October 31, 2012 | 2 comments

“Well, to be fair, can you think of a breakfast food that WASN’T invented as a way to cure hangovers?”

~Hmm…you’ve got a good point there, actually

Americans developed an infatuation with breakfast as soon as it was named the most acceptable time to eat bacon. Of course, it helps that it’s an extremely versatile meal as well. If you’re running late in the morning, you can just put some milk on random dried grains doused in sugar, or pick up some sort of surprisingly unhealthy egg sandwich from a fast food joint. And when it’s the weekend and you can take your time, you can create something meticulously crafted to cure every kind of hangover you can possibly imagine (for more information, buy AFFotD’s “101 Different Types Of Hangovers, And Their Cure” on Amazon.com next fall).

There are of course many staples of the American breakfast that are worth praising. Pancakes, waffles (a.k.a. pancakes with syrup traps), bacon, omelets, all of these are delicious and, when done right, incredibly unhealthy ways to combat the fact that you drank two four lokos last night before playing flip cup with vodka cranberry at a random party before stumbling into a cab, texting your ex, and yelling at the cab driver when you erroneously assume he’s taking you the wrong way. But arguably the best American breakfast dish that can help you momentarily forget the shame you’re feeling as you have to send off an apologetic group text the following morning remains…

Eggs Benedict: The Best American Breakfast With The Least American Name

Continue reading →

Posted in America's Best Foods

Tagged America, Bacon, Benedict Arnold, Breakfast, Commodore E.C. Benedict, Delmonico's, Eggs Benedict, France, Hollandaise, Oscar Tschirky, Waldorf

Six Random Facts About Beer You Did Not Know

Posted on October 24, 2012 | 2 comments

“*sip* ahhhh, that’s the stuff”

~American

If we told you that we liked beer, you’d slap us for being redundant. Also because we’re drunk and we made a pass at your girlfriend. Chill, dude, chill. But while most Americans know all the important details about beer (it’s made with hops, it tastes delicious, if you have enough of them your fists are immune to walls) beer’s long and storied history is such that no one could possibly know all the quirky ins and outs behind the fairest of alcoholic brews.

So in honor of beer, and also did we mention we’re drunk, we’re here to list off…

Six Random Facts About Beer You Did Not Know

Continue reading →

Posted in Beer!

Tagged Ale-Conner, America, Beer, Canada, Labatt, Medieval Times, viking

America’s Most Terrifying Patents (Submitted By Psychopaths)

Posted on October 10, 2012 | Leave a comment

“What is this I don’t even… is that a dead body?”

~American Patent Office Worker

We here at AFFotD have often paused to step back and applaud the lunacy of those inventive Americans who come up with products no one needs and submits them for patents. And while many of these products never will see the light of day, at their best they show America’s intrepid creativity, and at their worst remind us that Jigsaw probably took the time to submit most of his torture devices for official patents.

Today we’re going to focus on that latter group.

While patents tend to range from “useful” to “absurd” there is a subset that falls into the “terrifying” category. Primarily because these devices were clearly invented by serial killers who had to really stretch to find a non-murder use for their products. But their illustrations speak for themselves, unlike their poor victims who are currently fruitlessly shouting at the soundproofed walls of these inventor’s kill rooms.

Hold onto your hats, America, shit’s about to get dark.

America’s Most Terrifying Patents (Submitted By Psychopaths)

Posted in Insane Patents

Tagged America, Insane Patents, Jigsaw, Patents, Weird Patents

Answers To American Questions Posed By Google Auto-complete

Posted on October 3, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Wow, do yourself a favor and don’t try to Google anything that starts with ‘tranv.’ Don’t ask how I know this, just do it.”

~AFFotD Staffers

Contrary to popular belief, if you Google the word “Google” your computer will not catch fire and release all the captured souls that are used to boost processing speeds (we’re pretty sure that’s how computers work). However, if you Google Google, you won’t find their Wikipedia entry in the first page of results. True story. Google as a search engine was founded in 1998, and since then it has spawned into a multi-billion dollar enterprise that is responsible for your email, search needs, and that one social media platform you forgot you once signed up for.

Of course, one of the ways that Google helps keep the pulse of this fine nation is that they tend to track what terms are most often searched, so that if you start typing a question or a search topic, it will give you some helpful suggestions as to what you think you might be looking for.

But you don’t need Google to answer your questions. We got you, America, we got you. With that, we introduce to your our latest segment…

Answers To American Questions Posed By Google Auto-complete

Posted in America Quizes

Tagged America, auto-correct, google, google auto-correct

In Defense Of Roger Goodell And The NFL’s Replacement Referees

Posted on September 27, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Derp de derp I don’t know what pants are.”

~NFL Replacement Referees

America is founded on the tradition of people getting to be on TV for being worse at life than everyone. It is with that intrepid spirit that the National Football League decided that their current crop of referees were doing too much “officiating” and “ensuring that games don’t break down into melees involving dozens of giant men” for their liking, and they hired the various descendants of Mr. Magoo to help fill in. While the NFL is still negotiating vigorously to reach a compromise on a reasonable price, they’ve still been unable to procure the rights to Yakety Sax so we’ve not yet gotten to see the replacement referees the way Roger Goodell intended.

But as an organization that has made a name for themselves through their tireless commitment to the art of going to work drunk, we here at AFFotD are here to offer our full support to these trailblazers of ineptitude. Because no matter how bad they are at their jobs, Blockbuster managers had to go somewhere after they drove their business into the ground, right? And no matter how culpable Roger Goodell might appear in all of this, if America was founded on the belief that evil, egotistical, megalomaniacal men shouldn’t hold positions of power, there’d be a lot fewer Chinese corpses buried along our railroad lines. And with that, we offer you…

In Defense Of Roger Goodell And The NFL’s Replacement Referees
Continue reading →