The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 1 of 10)

Posted on January 23, 2013 | 5 comments

“Delaware.  We’re in Delaware.”

~Wayne Campbell

american states

Together, America is united as one boozy, overweight, hard drug dabbling awesome nation.  However, it’s important to remember that we began as a confederation of states, and each of those states very much has its own unique identity which is defined through their citizens, history, and contributions to American society.  If you’re looking for the best bourbon in the nation, you’ll probably think of Kentucky before, say, Alaska.  But that doesn’t mean Alaska doesn’t live life Americanly by shooting wolves from helicopters and getting paid for no reason other than living in a place not a lot of people want to be.

So when we at AFFotD look to exalt America, sometimes we have to look at each individual piece of the puzzle and determine the most American aspects of each state of this great nation.  That is why we are here to present to you a five part series listing the most American qualities of every state in the Union, in order of when they were officially admitted into the United States of America.  So grab onto your hats, and get ready to watch us frantically Wikipedia what the hell is in North Dakota.

america states of america

PART ONE

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America’s Strangest, Most Terrifying Hot Dogs

Posted on January 16, 2013 | 4 comments

“Why would you go and do that to a perfectly good hot dog?”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

 cool dog

America’s tireless of cholesterol-boosting culinary delights have yielded some of the most delicious foods imaginable.  Our can-do attitude allows us to not only invent the key lime pie, it drives us to invent a way to fry a key lime pie.  We’ve crafted the perfect hangover drink, and we’ve learned how to make pizza alcoholic.  And of course, we as a nation are also responsible for the most efficient and glorious nitrate delivery system—the hot dog.  The hot dog is the epitome of America’s culinary excellence, but for every delicious meat tube scarfed down in an eating competition, there is a monstrosity created by someone overreaching to try to make a hot dog something it is now.

Hot dogs are cheap, delicious, American, and can support a multitude of region-specific toppings, but sometimes we go too far.  And while we salute those who try to push hot dogs upwards to dizzying heights, we also caution them that sometimes one may soar too high, and it’s best not to look down.  Especially when you are creating…

America’s Strangest, Most Terrifying Hot Dogs

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[REDACTED] Watches Things Get Flushed Down A Toilet

Posted on January 8, 2013 | Leave a comment

“Will it blend?”

~America

 baby machine

America has a fascination watching American appliances being used in a manner that would never be needed in real life.  While most of us would never use a blender for anything more complicated than a smoothy or an affront to the culinary arts, we’ll absolutely watch a youtube video where it’s used to pulverize an ipad or a live squirrel.  Do you put bricks in your washing machine?  Of course you fucking don’t, you’re not a psychopath, but now that we mentioned that as a possibility you totally want to see that done on a machine that you personally didn’t pay money for, don’t you?

This logic applies to toilets as well, as we can see in this awesome, pointless video with horrific sound quality where an old guy just flushes a bunch of shit that isn’t shit down his super toilet.  Sit back and watch it.  No, we’ll wait.

No, keep watching, he’s going to stop talking soon.

Yes, yes, that’s 20 golf balls, keep watching.

Okay, are you done?  Good.  Because we’re enthralled by this video, and we haven’t really heard from our good pal and undercover journalist, [REDACTED] lately, we figured we’d put him in charge of going through this video and discussing each and every thing that gets flushed in unnecessary detail.  Take it away, [REDACTED].

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The 10 Greatest Christmas Movies Of All Time: The Drinking Game

Posted on December 18, 2012 | 12 comments

“Ca-ching!”

~TV Executives during Christmas film re-runs season

snowman

Christmas is a time of family and nostalgia.  Well, liquor as well.  And definitely presents.  Okay, so Christmas is a time of liquor and presents.  Still, nostalgia and family play an important part, and every family tends to have their own Christmas movie that they watch each year to get them in the holiday spirit.

Sure, you occasionally might see some terrifyingly misguided attempts to be “hip” to cash in on the holiday season, but no matter how many shitty country music stars you put in front of a live audience, the classic films we grew up with are what really give us our holiday cheer each and every year.

With Christmas right around the corner (AGHH!  ONE WEEK YOU GUYS!), we decided to count down the greatest Christmas films to ever come out of this fair country.  But, since everyone uses the holiday season as a flimsy excuse to drive their page views by coming up with a gimmicky top-ten Christmas film list, we decided we’d get to the true heart of the holiday season—getting drunk.

After all, drinking games bring American families together even better than classic holiday films, so why not combine these two wonderful traditions to help bring each and every family drunkenly closer together?  With that yuletide spirit in mind, make sure to put some extra bourbon in your already-spiked eggnog, and join us as we regale you with…

The 10 Greatest Christmas Movies Of All Time Drinking Game

 christmas tree

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America’s Most (Awesomely) Dangerous Toys

Posted on December 12, 2012 | 2 comments

“Well, if I wanted to buy you goggles, I’d not be able to buy you these extra heavy BBs for the gun!  Now let’s go play William Tell again.  You get the apple.”

~The world’s best Step-dad! 

 gun kids

The Christmas season is upon us, a time when friends and families get together and prove their love and devotion to each other by going on amazon.com to buy them things that were specifically asked for.  Christmas is an especially magical time for American children, one where they are regaled with stories of fat omnipotent geriatrics who watch their every move before breaking into their houses and doling out the appropriate bribe to ensure their ongoing good behavior, where they get to watch Claymation specials that teach them that it’s alright for dentists to be homosexuals, and they get to learn what daddy is like when he gets holiday drunk.

Of course, the main thing that children love about Christmas is the presents, because holy shit it’s a Furby!  Yes, this is a wonderful time to be a child, or a large multinational toy retailer, but it also is a season fraught with hidden dangers.  But, for every Tomagotchi, there’s a toy that’s basically the playtime equivalent of a rusty nail with an extra helping of tetanus.  And we love those toys.  Seriously, if you get through childhood without a few permanent scars (mental or physical are acceptable) then you’re doing it wrong.  That’s why we’re here to tell you about…

America’s Most (Awesomely) Dangerous Toys

motorbike kid

“Helmets are for pussies!”

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Goddamn It Japan, You’re Doing It Wrong: Japanese Wendy’s

Posted on December 5, 2012 | 2 comments

“No, we can’t write about Wendy’s!  THEY’LL FIND US!”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

dooom

As some of our more intrepid readers might remember, AFFotD has a dark history with one particular American fast food establishment.  Yes, for a period of time every spicy chicken sandwich you ate directly helped feed the AFFotD gambling debts coffers, but it came at the cost of our souls.  Also at the cost of a few of our weaker family members, and one of our staffers house cat. Eventually, we were able to free ourselves from the corporate shilling curse, and continue to be independently drunk and American.

Of course, Wendy’s knew we couldn’t keep from talking about them forever.  And after a few hard hitting exposés about Japan’s attempts at subverting American fast food, we  discovered that Japan treated Wendy’s the same way they treat just about every goddamn fast food chain, so we figured we’d be safe of Wendy’s Necronomical influences if we talked about it, given that they were received so meekly in Japan that in 2009 they closed all 71 of their Japanese locations.  Unfortunately, this lasted less than two years, and now Wendy’s has again opened its doors to Japanese terror culture.  As of now, there are only two restaurants in the entire country, but that of course hasn’t stopped them from making nightmarish culinary creations that, despite our misgivings, force us to exclaim…

Goddamn It Japan, You’re Doing It Wrong:  Japanese Wendy’s

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The Mountain’s 2013 T-Shirt Series

Posted on November 28, 2012 | 1 comment

“There are new shirts from The Mountain?  Oh my God, I’m so excited right now.  So so excited.”

~AFFotD  Editor-In-Chief Johnny Roosevelt after a Mountain Dew and Purple Drank binge

There are a few landmark cultural events that are forever burned into our memories.  They were momentous occasions that defined a nation and shaped every single one of us in the best ways possible.  The appeal of prohibition.  Neil Armstrong’s moon walk.  The first bottle of American Honey hitting store shelves.  All of these pale in comparison to The Mountain designing and pressing the Three Wolves T-Shirt.  Finally, a shirt that could only be enhanced by the addition of potato chip grease stains, a shirt that ranged in size from “no you’re going to want something larger than large” all the way to “XXX-Large.”  It combined all the raw American predatory energy of wolves with howling and the moon to create a piece of tailored fabric that apparently causes American super powers.

But Americans are never content to do one thing great, and the creative minds at The Mountain were no different.  When they introduced their Big Face Animal series, we were right there sifting through the Funyuns and weed smoke to show you biking pigs and space gorillas.  And then, earlier this year, we got up from our La-Z-Boys, put some ointment on our bed sores, and shared with you our thoughts of the second batch of shirts designed by these cowboy hat wearing geniuses.

Recently, as we were going through their site looking for Christmas presents for our friends, families, and the one guy on our mailing list that won’t stop messaging us with cryptic demands that we write about the Solar System more, we could hardly contain our excitement when we saw that the 2013 Big Face Animal collection was out and available for purchase.  Because apparently if you’re going to be releasing T-shirts of giant kitten faces, you have to release them a year in advance.  You know, like a Kia.

But look at us, babbling on when we could be showing you pictures of giant bee faces.  Behold, the 2013 Mountain T-Shirt collection! Continue reading →

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Wherein AFFotD Exalts Thanksgiving While Spurning Mother Nature Network’s Insidious Attempt To Feed America Vegetables

Posted on November 20, 2012 | Leave a comment

“No, no no no, please, I’ll say anything you want, just please stop making me eat these dishes, NOT ON THANKSGIVING GODDAMNIT!”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

Thanksgiving is one of the most incredible American holidays imaginable.  If you’re anything like our staff, you relish the opportunity to drink beer and watch football as your family members awkwardly assume outdated gender roles while you wait to get drunk enough to start lecturing your nieces and nephews about the unfair pricing practices of the local Filipino rub and tug massage parlor.  Listen, we’re just saying, given how much the happy ending costs, we’re pretty sure that tip should be included in the price already.  But we digress.

This is a wonderful time of year, a time where we can sit back and reflect on all the Indians we’ve brutally slaughtered in the past, and give thanks for the fact that turkeys are so ugly that they’re just begging to be beheaded, plucked, and put in an oven for half a day.

But sometimes, dark storm clouds gather over what should be a joyous day.  Maybe there’s a Lions fan in your family.  Maybe everyone tries another one of those pesky “interventions” because “when you drink you get angry and say hurtful things” which would mean, you know, no day drinking.  Or maybe, God forbid…a vegetarian somehow ends up being in charge of your food options.

So when we were made aware of this article by the Mother Nature Network entitled “5 Amazingly Tasty Vegetarian Thanksgiving Options” we couldn’t contain our bloodlust.  No turkey?  Really?  Fuck Mother Nature Network for even positing such a terrifying alternate reality.

Let’s take a look at this list.  May God have mercy on our souls. Continue reading →

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America’s Strangest (And Most Disgusting) Vodkas

Posted on November 14, 2012 | 6 comments

“Don’t care.  Still would take a shot of it.”

~Americans

We love our alcohol like we like our women—alone with us in the dark, futility unable to stifle our sobs.  It doesn’t really matter what kind, of course, as long as it helps us forget everything, for just a moment.  Yes, we prefer bourbon, because this is America, but there’s nothing wrong with drinking vodka (unless you needlessly filter vodka through gold to justify making rich people spend too much money on it).  Vodka’s just a neutral spirit which, as we’ve previously established, is the best type of booze to add crazy flavors to.

This is a blessing for Americans who don’t like the taste of alcohol, but naturally want to get wasted because we are in America goddamnit, since vodka can be turned into literally dozens of delicious flavors that’ll ensure that, “Wow, I can barely taste the alcohol in this!” is the last thing you remember saying before you find yourself waking up in a frat boy’s bead with a killer hangover and a profound sense of shame (this of course only applies to the men reading this—for our female readers, replace the second part of that last sentence with “waking up to find a new Facebook gallery consisting solely of you riding a mechanical bull and making duck faces”).  Most flavors make sense.  Raspberry?   Sounds delicious!  Orange?  Sure!  Whipped cream?  Uh…what?

That’s right, America.  We’re drinking the worst swills available to tell you about…

America’s Strangest (And Most Disgusting) Vodkas

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Eggs Benedict: The Best American Breakfast With The Least American Name

Posted on October 31, 2012 | 2 comments

“Well, to be fair, can you think of a breakfast food that WASN’T invented as a way to cure hangovers?”

~Hmm…you’ve got a good point there, actually

Americans developed an infatuation with breakfast as soon as it was named the most acceptable time to eat bacon.  Of course, it helps that it’s an extremely versatile meal as well.  If you’re running late in the morning, you can just put some milk on random dried grains doused in sugar, or pick up some sort of surprisingly unhealthy egg sandwich from a fast food joint.  And when it’s the weekend and you can take your time, you can create something meticulously crafted to cure every kind of hangover you can possibly imagine (for more information, buy AFFotD’s “101 Different Types Of Hangovers, And Their Cure” on Amazon.com next fall).

There are of course many staples of the American breakfast that are worth praising.  Pancakes, waffles (a.k.a. pancakes with syrup traps), bacon, omelets, all of these are delicious and, when done right, incredibly unhealthy ways to combat the fact that you drank two four lokos last night before playing flip cup with vodka cranberry at a random party before stumbling into a cab, texting your ex, and yelling at the cab driver when you erroneously assume he’s taking you the wrong way.  But arguably the best American breakfast dish that can help you momentarily forget the shame you’re feeling as you have to send off an apologetic group text the following morning remains…

Eggs Benedict:  The Best American Breakfast With The Least American Name

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