[REDACTED] Reviews The Recycle Rap

Posted on March 12, 2013 | 4 comments

“Oh this is awful.  Let’s put [REDACTED] on it, I guess.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

everything is terrible

We don’t necessarily go out of our way to hawk other people’s websites, but every once in a while we have to give a site its credit when they post a video that’s so great we’ll want to discuss it, or so horrible we’ll force our undercover investigator, [REDACTED], to review it.  In this case, the blog Everything Is Terrible was more than willing to supply us with, well, one of those terrible ones.  Specifically, an awkward, probably 90’s, video of  awkward children rap about recycling.  You can take a moment to watch it if you like, but we can save you the pain by inflicting it on our poor, abused investigative journalist.

Ha ha, we love to make you suffer, [REDACTED]!

[REDACTED] Reviews The Recycle Rap

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The History of American Indoor Football (AIF)

Posted on March 6, 2013 | 6 comments

“Yeah, I play professional football.  No, not for the NFL.  No, not for the Arena Football League.  Yeah, no, you’re not going to guess it.”

~AIFL Starting Quarterback

aif

America loves football as much as they love concussions.  And they must love concussions, because they really love football.  Long the nation’s most popular sport, it is responsible for the majority of the nation’s millionaires who weigh in over 300 pounds.  However, when we think of football, we think of two types of players: The really good ones who get paid ridiculous amounts of money in exchange for taking years off their life like some sort of warped bizarro-Dorian-Gray (NFL) or the occasionally-great-but-normally-okay ones who put their body at risk for free but get in trouble if they accept a free tattoo (NCAA).  Now, some of you might say, “Hey, there’s also the Arena Football League!  You know, with guys not quite good enough to play in the NFL?” and to you we’d say, wow, someone’s been watching ESPN2 at 3 in the afternoon on a slow sports day.  But you are right, the Arena Football League does have a small hold in America, and since they’re based in major cities, they manage to stay relevant enough that upon hearing the words “I’m the quarterback of the Chicago Rush” you’d typically respond, “Oh, right, I think I’ve heard of them.”

But if there’s one thing we’ve learned from the insufferably poor quality of NFL Thursday night games, it’s that America views football a lot like they view sex.  When it’s good, it’s really good.  And when it’s bad?  It’s still pretty good.  So even though not everyone who played as a backup quarterback for Oregon is going to make the big show, they can at least find a way to get paid sometimes literally thousands of dollars to play a season of professional football in some strange, haphazardly put together professional football league.

A league like the AIF.  American Indoor Football.

This is their story.

aifa ball

THE HISTORY OF AMERICAN INDOOR FOOTBALL (Previously Atlantic Indoor Football League/American Indoor Football League/American Indoor Football Association)

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The Informative American’s Guide To Physical Fitness and Exercise (originally published October, 1953)

Posted on February 27, 2013 | Leave a comment

“Oh God, you guys, what the hell was wrong with us back then?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt, reading AFFotD’s 1950’s predecessor

50s exercise

It’s been a while since our staffers have taken the terrifying plunge into the 1950’s bi-weekly publication that preceded America Fun Fact of the Day, The Informative American.   We’ve been trying to forget how misogynistic, racist, and homophobic-but-in-a-way-that-we’re-pretty-sure-they-were-projecting-their-own-homosexual-urges-in-a-really-uncomfortable-way our writers were back then, but the reason why we have a history is so we can learn from it.

So we decided we’d try to avoid topics like “women in the workplace” or “Mexicans” and republish one of our 1950’s articles about something fairly mundane, which is why the following article about physical fitness caught our eye.  After all, no matter how warped our 1950’s predecessors were, there’s really not much they could do to make working out offensive, right?

…Right?

Oh God, what have we done?

The Informative American’s Guide To Physical Fitness and Exercise (originally published October, 1953)

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 10 of 10)

Posted on February 21, 2013 | Leave a comment

“Don’t say it’s the musical.  I swear to God, you’d better not say it’s the musical.”

~Oklahoma residents

america states of america

PART TEN

It’s been a long, magical, pissing-off-a-lot-of-people-from-the-more-prideful-states ride, but here we are, in part 10 of our American States of America series, where we go through each and every state in this wonderful nation and tell you what we like most about them.  And after this last segment, from Delaware to Hawaii, every state will have been represented (unless Puerto Rico finally sneaks into the Union, but we don’t know if that’s the best idea, simply because we’ve yet to find a true American who didn’t get nervous trying to count to a number higher than 50).

So it’s with a heavy liver heart that we end this segment.  But don’t you worry, we’ll always be there for America, telling you all the best way to get drunk, or how you can make your cholesterol so high that anyone who takes your blood has to be diagnosed with heart disease.   But until then, we have some final states to introduce.

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 9 of 10)

Posted on February 19, 2013 | Leave a comment

“Go ahead, AFFotD.  Try to sound informed when you talk about us.”

~A weirdly smug Montana resident

america states of america

PART NINE

It’s been a long, weird, occasionally rage inducing ride, but we’re nearing the end of our American States of America series where we tell you, the residents of individual states in America, what the most American quality of your home state is, no matter how much you disagree.  Shut up Kansas, we don’t care what you have to say we’re sticking with Superman as your most American trait.  Deal.  When it comes to America, our word is gospel.

Except for Montana.  We don’t have a goddamn clue what to say about Montana.  But we made a promise, and that’s a promise we can keep.  May Teddy Roosevelt’s ghost have mercy on our souls.

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 8 of 10)

Posted on February 14, 2013 | Leave a comment

“We have hookers, gambling, and no actual open container laws.  Oh sorry, is that the sound of you booking a ticket?”

~Residents of Las Vegas

america states of america

PART EIGHT

When one of our readers asked us to list every state in America and tell him the most American part about each one, he expected an email with a list of fifty sentences like “Illinois gets you fat” and “New Yorkers don’t like us anymore because of how much we made fun of them in this article series.”  What he didn’t expect was 10,000 words spread out over seven articles with the promise of writing three more no matter how many emails we get saying things like, “Pleeease, just stop, we don’t care what you think, go back to writing about expensive vodka or something” and, “I don’t appreciate all these Texas jokes, you’re dead motherfucker.”

Well, we have ten more states, which means we have ten more chances to make a bad impression.  So let’s start with…

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 7 of 10)

Posted on February 12, 2013 | Leave a comment

“Don’t worry, we’re not going to actually read this.  We honestly don’t care.”

~Current residents of California

america states of america

PART SEVEN

At this point, there’s not much more we can do to prepare you for this segment.  If you’ve been reading from the beginning of the series, you know that we’re going through every state to list their most American quality.  If you don’t know we’re doing that, hi there, sort of weird that you found this page after googling “Blake Lively Bestiality Sex Video” and you might want to talk to a professional about that particular fetish, but otherwise you can go back to the beginning of this series by clicking here.  Or you can just keep reading as we list the 31st through the 35th state to join this fine Union.  Starting with…

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 6 of 10)

Posted on February 7, 2013 | 3 comments

“I’m from here *points to arbitrary point on hand*”

~Every Michigan resident

america states of america

PART SIX

At this point, you likely are familiar with the setup here.  The American States of America takes each and every state, one by one, and tells you their most American quality.  Some states are great at drinking.  Some are great at inventing fatty foods.  We’re pretty sure one of them leads the nation in motorcycle-riding-obese-Dwarfs per capita.  We don’t know what state that is, but we want to go there right the fuck now.  But until then, we’ll just focus on the things that make the following American states so damn American.

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 5 of 10)

Posted on February 5, 2013 | 1 comment

“Oh, Chicago?  Al Capone!  Ratt-att-att!  Michael Jordon!  Swoosh!”

~Foreigners upon hearing the word “Illinois”

america states of america

PART FIVE

We’ve spent the last 6,000 words on this site devoted to each and every slice of Americana as represented by the American traits of every American state.  It’s not been an easy journey.  After our half-hearted endorsement of Mississippi, someone snuck into our office and started putting antifreeze into our coffee maker in an effort to poison our staff.  Luckily for us, the treatment of antifreeze poisoning is alcohol, and we’ve literally never had a cup of coffee that wasn’t at least 50% whiskey, but we still have come to recognize that you’re not going to please everyone when you set out to find the most American quality of each state.  Except for Rhode Islanders.  They were actually surprisingly pleased that we gave them a solid 350 words.  We think they were lonely and just thankful for the attention.

So, we continue onward, marching from the states we all are intimately familiar with all the way through Wyoming.  Do you know anyone from Wyoming?  Didn’t think so.  But you do know someone from the following state.

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 4 of 10)

Posted on January 31, 2013 | 2 comments

“No, this is MY Jack Daniels.  Don’t touch it!  MINE!  ALL for ME!”

~The greatest Tennessean

america states of america

PART FOUR

America has so many states, we can’t count them all right now because cards on the table we’re pretty hammered at the moment, but it’s at least twenty, and we know that because we’ve already listed the most American qualities of the first fifteen states to join the United States, and we’ve got a list of five more right here.  Fasten your seat belts, readers, you can ask yourself why you’d need seat belts while sitting at your desk (or while on the toilet—hi there smart phone users!) some other time, because we’re here to continue our American states of America feature with the most American qualities of states number 16-20.  For America!

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