Category Archives: Beer!

What can we say about our love of beer that you don’t already know? Well, a lot actually. All things gloriously beer-related can be found here.

AFFotD News Item of the Month: Beer…IN SPACE!

Posted on January 5, 2012 | 2 comments

“We’ll let you do the leg work, Australia. But then we’re totally stealing your idea.”

~America

Every American child had a series of obsessions growing up.  For children born in the 80’s, it started off with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  But once that began to fade away, American children focus their interests on Dinosaurs before finally settling on the most badass, expansive area of the Universe which America purchased from the Galaxy Indians for a crate of Legos.

That’s right, outer space is the final frontier, and one of the most impressive things that America has learned how to side-saddle.  But despite our rich history of kicking space’s ass and  shoving it down Russia’s throat, we’ve never managed to drink a beer in space.

Until now.

And while it’s an Australian company, not America, that is developing a beer to drink on a flight to space in 2013, we know it’s just a matter of time before America grabs onto this idea.  Also, you know that Americans are going to be the main ones taking advantage of it.  And since we like to be trendsetters, you know we’ve started saving up our $95,000 to take advantage of this opportunity as soon as we can.  But until then, we humbly present…

AFFotD News Item of the Month: Beer…IN SPACE!

 

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Ice Cream Beer and Beer Floats: America’s Kicking Dessert’s Ass

Posted on November 11, 2011 | 1 comment

“You scream, I scream, we all scream, for a higher BAC!”

~America

 

What’s one of the primary differences between America and Europe?  For those of you who shouted, “Americans shower every once and a while”- nice, that’s as sick burn.  But the real distinguishing characteristic is how we drink beer.  Americans like their beer cold and their homosexuals flaming, while Europeans like their  beer warm and their homosexuals frustratingly androgynous.  It’s just a defining characteristic of being American, like being ten years late in backing up Liberal social causes and overestimating the appeal of professional sports in the state of Florida.

Oh, yeah, just change it from “Florida” to “Miami,” that’ll totally put butts in the seats.

What we’re trying to say is, the colder the beer, the more we like to drink it.  You’re talking about a country that decided to take one of its beers that most resembles water (Coors) and make a special can that tells you when it’s cold enough to drink.  And America liked that idea so much that they decided to go even further and make it so that the can will tell you when it’s really cold.  We like our beer cold, and we could care less how it tastes at that point.

We’re honestly not sure if this label is trying to insult us or not.

Of course, there’s a certain point where beer is too cold.  Like when it solidifies.  We wouldn’t dare want that to happen…

Or would we?

Ice Cream Beer and Beer Floats:  America’s Kicking Dessert’s Ass

 

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Wade Boggs Drinks ALL Your Beers

Posted on November 2, 2011 | 1 comment

“It’s Miller Time, motherfuckers.  It’s ALWAYS Miller Time.”

~Wade Boggs


Baseball is America’s pastime in the same way that Bowling is a way of life for rural Midwestern towns.  The actual sport itself depends greatly on everyone else getting drunk.  If you ever had a professional baseball game that didn’t serve beer, Americans would start rioting faster than a bunch of British hooligans after their soccer team gets relegated.  As a result, baseball players themselves have to go out of their way to let you know how American they are.  In a league full of Neifi Perezes, the Babe Ruth-like figures are hard to come by.

Even today’s superstars leave something lacking.  Yes, Derek Jeter was sleeping with Buddy Garrity’s daughter, but wasn’t A-Rod seeing dinosaur-Madonna?  That’s a bad way to go.  Think about that.  The richest baseball player in the history of the game was, at one point, dating…  This.

“EEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

Fortunately, every once in a while, a true American is born, and instead of deciding to become a fighter pilot or mixologist, he chooses the path of baseball, and figures, if you’re going to do something well, might as well do something drunk.  That man may come along only once in a generation, and our generation’s American baseball hero happens to be Hall of Famer, and Miller Lite enthusiast, Wade Boggs.

Pictured here, during the physical act of lovemaking

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London Drowns in Beer

Posted on August 2, 2011 | 3 comments

“And they say that, in their most dire moment, a chosen one will spurn his British curse, and become, spiritually, a true American.”

~The prophecy


America Fun Fact of the Day likes to keep things, you know, local.  Much like George Washington was a staunch isolationist, we don’t give a shit about what goes on outside of America.  Oh what’s that, Greece is poor?  Tough shit, sell the Parthenon or something.  Not our debt, not our problem.  We don’t even know what a European Union is, but if you put us on the spot we’d say…Soccer team?  British Iron Workers?  Again, we don’t know, we don’t care.

But, despite our extreme disinterest in other nations, we do understand that being American is more than just a geographical concept.  Hell, some of the least American people in the world were born and raised in America.  So, is it possible that there are American souls trapped in bodies that were born in un-American nations?  While this may go down as one of the most surprising statements you’ll hear from America’s proudest batch of Xenophobes, yes.  Yes it is possible.  Sometimes it just tales of incredible feats to us to realize that.

We’re talking about British people drowning in beer.

Or as the British call it, “Gobbling the Hozzywaller in the Fainterphone.”  Probably.  GOD that place is a mess.

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THIS PANCAKE IS MADE OF BEER

Posted on July 1, 2011 | 1 comment

“Why not just inject whiskey infused lard in me and get it over with you American bastard?”

~Your Arteries

When we asked John Goodman, AFFotD’s Food Critic and resident Dunkin’ Donut demander, what would be the most absurdly American breakfast item he could think of, he said, “Shit, I don’t know, maybe like a 14 inch pancake that’s made with a can of PBR…oh you son of a bitch, that exists doesn’t it?”  You know how this game is played, of course it fucking does.  When we asked him the follow up of how that can be made even more American he said, “Having an eating contest of…oh goddamn it, really?”

Yes.  Really.

That is why we are here to celebrate and report on the amazing feats of this insane Tempe, Arizona restaurant with our report on the giant beer pancake that can only be finished by men in Mexican wrestling masks.  Seriously.

“Como se dice OM NOM NOM”

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IPAs Are More American Than You Would Think

Posted on May 6, 2011 | 1 comment

“Today, the hoppiest examples of this style are made by the new generation of American brewers.”

~Michael Jackson (No, the other one)


Not everything that is American was created in America.  Beer Pong, for example, has previously established Sumerian roots.  Whiskey might have originated somewhere else, we guess, we wouldn’t want to sully Whiskey’s name by verifying that statement.  Punches to the back of the head have been around since the beginning of time, but that doesn’t diminish how American it is to punch someone in the back of the head.

We mention this because we feel obligated to inform you that the American item we are going to discuss today doesn’t even have America in its name.  It has a different country.  But, all that doesn’t matter for shit, because it’s beer, so suck it up, gulp it down, and appreciate the American drunk you will feel when you drink…

India Pale Ales.

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Newman’s Day, Why Beer Comes in Cases

Posted on April 24, 2011 | 7 comments

“No guys please don’t do th…”

~Paul Newman, American Hero


A wise man once said, “to binge drink is to be American.  To sip at it like a fucking bitch is to get a hard punch to the face.”  That wise man was AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt, immediately after he was informed on the “rules” for wine tasting.  Because it makes no sense to spit out alcohol in any circumstances.  Have we learned nothing from the sacrifices made in the film Beerfest!?

Never was there such a tale of woe…

Yes, if you aren’t drinking recklessly, well, you’re not really drinking are you?  That’s our motto at least (“hey, AFFotD, I thought your motto was like ‘fuck nature’ or something” well we’re allowed to have more than one motto okay dayumn!)  And, while there are numerous ways to overindulge in the fine art of liquor, very rarely do we see it turned into a celebration.  A day where dangerous drinking is not only encouraged, it’s mandated.  A day that exemplifies the finest qualities of an American hero.  A day that is the reason that, right now, someone is reading this on Easter Sunday and shouting to their roommate, “HOLY SHIT THIS ARTICLE KNOWS!  IT FUCKING KNOWS MAN!”

We do, John.  We know all.

How much are you freaking out right now man!?

That day of course, is Newman’s Day (or “Newman Day” if you want to go with what Wikipedia says).  Largely prevalent in schools where you would not assume to find Herculean bouts of alcoholism (Princeton and Yale), it has since spread across the nation to schools such as Marquette University, Northwestern University, Johns Hopkins, and even Newman’s Alma Mater, Kenyon College.

The origin of this day is attributed to a comment made by Paul Newman at a Princeton commencement address, where he stated, “24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence? I think not.”  This is such an amazing quotation that even if you start to search for it, Google will stop you and go, “No, we get it we get it, you’re looking for that drinking day, here you go.  Seriously don’t waste our time by typing the rest of this out.”

“We get it, you’re an alcoholic, here’s your goddamn link.”  When did Google start getting so catty?

Obviously, in response to such a quote, the only logical thing to do was to take that advice seriously, and drink a whole case of beer in one day.  So with that in mind, we are going to celebrate with…

AFFotD’s April 24th All-Inclusive Guide to Celebrating (and Surviving) Newman’s Day

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The Future of Goose Island (As Owned by Anheuser-Busch)

Posted on March 29, 2011 | 4 comments

“What?  No…Nooo….NOOOOOOOOOOO.”

~People who like beer


One of the most common misconceptions in America can be found in the beers we consider to be “American.”  Many assume that the Bud Lights of the world are the ultimate American beer, because they’re cheap, low quality, and people still buy the shit out of them.  Except that most of the shitty beer, like Bud and Natty Ice, is from Anheuser-Busch InBev, based in…Belgium.  The shit is that?  Sure, Budweiser got its start in St. Louis, a city with a rich American history based around…uh…arches?  But any attempt to forgive the low quality of Budweiser because, “Well, it’s an American beer,” flew right out the window.

“But there’s still Miller Lite, right?  It’s Miller Time!”

Nope, that shit’s based out of England.  Get your head out of your ass, American beer consumer.

Fortunately, the great bastion of American liquor resides in craft beers.  While it has been established that going to a party with Milwaukee’s Best will likely result in you getting shot, if you go to a party with an American craft beer from a microbrewery, 90% of the people attending that party will get laid.  True story.  Craft brews, though more expensive, are delicious enough that you can find one that will be even be palatable for the girl at the party who keeps going on about how, “I don’t like beer,” as everyone else glares at her and silently judges the person who invited her.  Plus, they tend to have two or even four times the alcohol content of your Budweisers and Millers out there.  Better taste and more alcohol?  How is that not more American?

The microbrew culture in America has gone from laughably poor to universally respected in a fairly short period.  Sam Adams, Sierra Nevada, and Anchor Brewing helped reinvent the American brew, and since then many notable breweries have formed in America, making delicious, highly intoxicating beverages for Americans to get drunk on without nearly as bad of a hangover as you’d get from Icehouse.

While the beer industry has decreased by one percent this past year (we don’t know why this would be, we can only blame French immigrants) craft brews were up 11%, proving that more Americans appreciate the American notion of American made artisanal beers.

And we at AFFotD are sad to report that one of our classic American brewing institutions again has been assaulted by foreign powers.  And while we are strangely powerless to stop it, at the very least we at AFFotD can take a moment to reflect in the passing of an old friend.

That’s right.  Chicago microbrewery staple, Goose Island, has been purchased by Anheuser-Busch.

We’re all clearly very upset.

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