“Beer beer, the wonderful brew, the more you drink it, the more you spew.”
~Ancient Chinese Proverb
Last week we introduced our newest weekly segment, “This Week in Beer,” where we detailed the latest trends in beer. We don’t mean to overstate its impact on your life, but we spent a few paragraphs berating the government for shutting down, leaving breweries unable to get new recipes or labels approved, and six hours after we submitted the article, the government opened again. That’s right. Remember, when everyone in America wakes up to find a pony in their front yard that has been given to them as a gift by their local Congressman, you can thank us for telling them to do that (or you can shout, “What the fuck, AFFotD, my apartment is going to be covered in pony shit” which is totally a valid response. We really didn’t think this whole pony plan through, to be honest).
An educated American is a drunk American, so we’re going to continue our quest to give you all the most relevant beer news you can, because you’re far too sober for a Tuesday right now.
This Week In Beer: October 16-October 22
Posted in Beer!
Tagged America, Baltimore, Baltimore Beer Week, Beer, Beer Pong, Blowfish, Blue Moon, Cleveland Browns, Dale's Pale Ale, Hangover, Map of America, Maryland, Massachusetts, MIT, NASCAR, Oskar Blues, This Week In Beer, Toddler Drinking a Beer, Yuengling
“God bless you, Michigan.”
~Michigan residents who like to refer to their state in the third person
Our staff at America Fun Fact of the Day know we have one of the most important jobs in this nation—to keep our citizens informed of the best that America has to offer. Sometimes, we might deem it important that you know about badass presidents from the past, or just general badasses from our history, but more often than not this duty involves telling you about alcohol and fatty foods you should be putting in your body at all times. It’s our sworn charge, and we take it pretty seriously.
Which is why we’ve decided to create a weekly installment here on America Fun Fact of the Day to make sure that you area always up-to-date on one of the most important topics we can imagine. That’s right—beer. So strap yourself in, because we’re about to deliver the latest, most important beer news from the past week (or thereabouts). Because beer is serious business.
AFFotD Presents: This Week in Beer- Inaugural Edition
“I only invented Science in the hope that someday I could use it to help get people drunk.”
In this 24-hour news cycle world we live in, the announcement of a new cultural phenomenon or technological product causes a flurry of knee-jerk reactions. Sometimes, these viewpoints look flat out stupid in retrospect, while occasionally the people howling about their hatred of change are spot on with their assessments. We never know when we’re going to fall on the right side of history, which is why we tend to try to land on the drunk side of things and wait for the dust to settle before giving our two cents. Every so often, however, our office staff becomes divided on their love or hatred of a new and exciting development in drunk technology. At that point, we tend to get a representative from each side of the argument, and pit them against each other in an intellectual cock fight.
Don’t worry, we don’t actually harm any roosters, we’re using the word “intellectual cock fight” metaphorically. No, once we’ve picked a winner and a loser, we take the loser and set hungry, angry pit bulls on them. Don’t feel bad, though, our insurance benefits are amazing here.
We bring this up because we’re in the midst of one such intellectual conundrum. A group of Australian scientists have announced that they discovered a way to make a hydrating beer. By adding electrolytes, and removing some alcohol, they made a beer that helps lessen that dehydrated hangover feeling the next morning, which could revolutionize the beer drinking experience, except for one nagging issue.
That’s right. They remove alcohol? The shit is that? We’ve been split on it all week, so we’re going to offer this subject to public discussion as we once again bring out our point/counterpoint series.
Point/Counterpoint: Would You Drink Hydrating Beer With Less Alcohol?
“More like Bud…WHYYYYYYY…uh, ser.”
~We’re not the best at puns
Budweiser is the number one selling beer in America. Let that sink in, America, and think long and hard about what you did. Do you do this just to make us upset? Do you? The reason doesn’t matter, all that we know is that Americans spend more of their money buying beer produced by a Belgian-Brazilian conglomerate than on beer that tastes like anything other than sadness. We’re not joking, we’re pretty confident abject sorrow is the active ingredient in Budweiser, and we got confirmation of this fact once we saw this Yahoo Answers post which is easily the most depressing thing we’ve ever read about beer.
While Budweiser is not exactly known for pushing the envelope past their “straw flavored spit water” standard, they do branch out on occasion and try to introduce new beers to an always-hungry-for-innovation market. The most popular of these efforts tend to range from “Bad but people seem to like it” to “this beer is not actively awful.” Even though they set a pretty low bar with all their products, they have managed to, time and time again, create terrifying concoctions. Beverages that haunt all who drink them for the remainder of their days.
Here are five such monstrosities.
Budweiser’s Five Worst “Beer Products”
Well, you know, apart from their actual beer products
Posted in Beer!
Tagged America, america's worst, B-to-The-E, Beer, Bud Extra, Bud Light, Budweiser, Budweiser and Clamato, Chelada, Clamato, Lime-A-Rita, Sparks, Straw-ber-rita, Tequiza, Tilt
“Sure it tastes like garbage, but it looks like a bow-tie so suddenly I want to drink it!”
~Americans according to Budweiser
You see that up there? That’s the latest attempt by Budweiser to dangle shiny things in front of American beer drinkers in order to trick them into buying their watered down, rice-brewed beer. The marketing strategy is simple—hey, people will buy any beer if the can looks all funny. It’s a bow-tie guys! The beer inside must taste like something other than wet cardboard and dirty barroom floors.
While there are craft beers that veer towards the “pointlessly novel” in order to entice novice drinkers (looking at you, Clown Shoes Brewery), they usually have a quality product they’re trying to introduce to the masses. The largest domestic beer brewers, however, can’t make such claims. They know they’re selling you cheap swill (that admittedly will get you drunk…eventually) but dammit, if the bottle is cool enough, maybe they can trick you to think otherwise. That’s where we get…
The Six Worst Marketing Gimmicks By Major Breweries
“Wow. I mean, I’d drink it, because alcohol, but…wow.”
~American beer drinkers
America is a nation of innovation, nurturing the minds that eventually came to bring us DVDs, the Internet, and probably some other things that we don’t even use to watch pornography. Nowhere is this enterprising spirit more apparent than our constant efforts to improve upon perfection (read as: beer). Each year brewers go out of their way to give us new and interesting ways to get drunk on liquid bliss, ranging from the strange to the “are you sure that’s not whiskey?”
As purveyors of all things American, we constantly find ourselves inundated with a plethora insane sounding beers that we absolutely have to try at this moment. So for tax write-off purposes, we’re going to list the five newest, most exciting, and strangest beers that have hit the market this past year so we can try them without having to buy them. Because this is America goddamn it, and if we can find a way to get the government to pay us to get drunk, we’re going to move heaven and Earth to make that happen.
Or just write 1,500 words on weird beers. Tomato to-mah-to.
The Five Newest, Strangest Beers in America
Posted in Beer!
Tagged Alcohol, America, Bacon, Beer, Doughnut, Kimchi, Maple, Rocky Mountain Oyster, Rogue Brewery, Root Beer, S'mores, sassafras root, Short's Brewing Company, Sprechers, Temperance Movement, Wynkoop Brewery
“Beer, motor fuel, semantics.”
For some time now, Media sources have been discussing how “Macro” beers such as Budweiser, Coors, and piss Miller have been losing ground to the niche market of craft breweries. There has been a lot of speculation as to the reason for this—microbrews tend to use better ingredients to make creative, delicious, flavorful beers that blow their much more watered down counterparts out of the water. They are a new, thriving addition to an alcohol producing landscape that until recently has been remarkably stagnant. Hell, microbrews even offer a wide variety of complex beer styles that can be paired with any meal, as opposed to Bud Light, which is only paired with Solo Cups and roofies.
Yes, all of those can explain the surge of craft beers, but if we had to guess, the main reason behind their success rests with the fact that we’re all American, and craft beers just tend to get you drunk faster. You can doll it up all you want, but most Americans would rather spend a few more bucks on a tasty beer as opposed to a domestic brew that’s got half the alcohol. That’s just simple economics.
So in order to celebrate America’s contributions to getting you drunk while drinking as little liquid as possible, we at AFFotD are here to present you with…
America’s 10 Most Alcoholic Beers
Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts, Beer!
Tagged America, barley wine, Beer, Big Buck, bock, Bruery, Colorado, Dogfish Head, DuClaw, Grand Lake, Hair of the Dog, Herkimer, IPA, Lagerhaus, most alcoholic beers, Sam Adams, stout
“*sip* ahhhh, that’s the stuff”
If we told you that we liked beer, you’d slap us for being redundant. Also because we’re drunk and we made a pass at your girlfriend. Chill, dude, chill. But while most Americans know all the important details about beer (it’s made with hops, it tastes delicious, if you have enough of them your fists are immune to walls) beer’s long and storied history is such that no one could possibly know all the quirky ins and outs behind the fairest of alcoholic brews.
So in honor of beer, and also did we mention we’re drunk, we’re here to list off…
Six Random Facts About Beer You Did Not Know
“Schlitz, it’s what’s for dinner!”
We in America like our beer like we like our women—delicious, full bodied, and able to give you very embarrassing erections when you think about them in public places. While the increasingly American trend is to appreciate American micro-brews that are richer tasting and able to get you drunker faster, we really embrace all beers that don’t pretend to be American while being owned by goddamn South Africans or Brazilians. Listen, sometimes you want a beer that’ll get you drunk, and get the job done cheap. An American beer that fosters good old fashioned Midwestern alcoholism while never straying from its American origins.
That beer sounds rather delicious, doesn’t it? Well, it sort of is. Kind of. Depending on how many beers you are into the night. But no matter what, when you drink it, your lips will taste of watered down hoppy America.
That beer, of course, is Schlitz.
If you are looking at this picture, and were born after the year of 1965, there is a 75% chance that this man is your biological father.
“Eh, just put some rice water in it and say it enhances the flavor.”
Beer is a lot like sex. When it’s good, it’s really good. And when it’s bad, you’re probably going to wake up the next day feeling empty, unsatisfied, and with an inexplicable headache. But no matter how good or bad it is, America just keeps coming back for more. And if this metaphor were to really hold its own weight, we’d have to hope that Americans in general prefer good beer, then. Because who wants bad beer? Date rapists? The French? Spuds McKenzie?
Nope, turns out fucking everyone prefers drinking shitty beer. How else can you explain this blog post that lists the 10 top selling beers in America? These beers are collectively so bad and un-American that we almost didn’t spot the egregious omission of Samuel Adams from the list. We’re not saying Sam Adams is the best beer in America, far from it, but if you have an ambitious brewery that’s named after Sam fucking Adams, and it’s not in the top 10 of market share, someone fucked up (we’re looking at you, majority of beer drinkers).
Of course, when we at AFFotD feel the need to correct such misconceptions about the America’s fine assortment of fermented malts and hops, we do so with the calm, delicate prose that sets aside emotional responses, and instead delves into the topic with tact and understanding. That’s why we present you…
WHAT THE HELL!? America’s Top 10 Selling Beers (Are Awful)
Posted in Beer!
Tagged Alcohol, America, Beer, Bud Light, Budweiser, Busch, Busch Light, Coors Light, Corona, Heineken, Miller High Life, Miller Lite, Natty Light, Natural Light