Tag Archives: America

Michael Malloy, Super-Hobo

Posted on February 14, 2011 | 5 comments

“Why won’t he die?  WHY WON’T HE DIE!?”

~The Murder Trust, 1933

It’s a shocking truth that, some great Americans?  Were not born in America.  Hell, Bob Hope, the man who made it a life passion to entertain American troops, was born in England.  We’re not elitists, we’re Americans, and we recognize that this is a melting pot, and that if you truly embrace what it means to be an American, it doesn’t matter where you were born.  Such is the case of the most glorious homeless man in the history of America, Michael Malloy.

Who was Michael Malloy, you may ask?  Only an Irish-American who was as impossible to kill as Rasputin, if Rasputin knew how to hold his liquor.  Born in Ireland, Malloy once worked as a Fireman before coming to America and inventing crippling alcoholism.  He died in 1933 at the age of 60, after a series of failed murder attempts at the hands of The Murder Trust.  While the death of a great, booze guzzling hero is always a tragedy, if you’re gonna go down, you might as well go down at the hands of a group as awesomely named as “The Murder Trust.”  The only way Michael Malloy’s obituary could have read any more awesome is if his cause of death had been listed as “advanced age and sexual encounters with twelve women in one night.”

Especially if he was dressed as a Stormtrooper, but ESPECIALLY if he was dressed as a Stormtrooper.

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Posted in Drunk People, England

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Wherein AFFotD Decries the Slanderous Insinuations of American Prominence Perpetrated by the Fiendish Fortune Magazine: A Rebuttal of Fortune Magazine’s 100 Great Things About America List

Posted on February 13, 2011 | 6 comments

“Are you shitting me, Fortune Magazine?  Hey, guys, from now on we’re using this fucking list as toilet paper.”

~Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD

Believe it or not, despite the existence of the America Fun Fact of the Day, there are other publications that make it a hobby to try to tell us, Americans, what constitutes being American.  Now, we have to ask you, do High School Basketball coaches go to Michael Jordan to give him pointers?  Fuck no, Jordan would use his cigar to scald their retinas.  Does the editor of a grade school newspaper tell Ernest Hemingway how to write?  The one time that happened, the kid went missing and was never seen again.  But yet, we have assholes like Fortune fucking magazine trying to post a “Independence Day 2010” article about “The Top 100 Great Things About America.”  They’d be better off getting a slug to write an exposé about taking a salt bath.  Our researchers stumbled across this little gem and immediately were stricken with a hate boner.  It’s like rigor mortis for when you see dreams die.  This article so offends us we can’t even think coherently!   Fuuuuuuuuuck!

THIS is the LEAD PHOTO for the whole damn article.  A clown desecrating the American flag by blowing out of a FUCKING VUVUZELA!  THAT GET SHIT OUT OF OUR HOUSE!

So let’s look at the highlights of their “list.”  And may God have mercy on their souls.

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Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, America's Greatest Fun Facts

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John F. Kennedy: America’s Most Fertile President?

Posted on February 12, 2011 | 3 comments

“Ask not what your country can do for you, ask…hey, who’s the blonde?”

~John F. Kennedy

It is a sad but simple truth that not all of our American heroes live a full life.  Some are fixed in the cosmos, shining beacons of glory, while others pass through like a shooting star, all-too-brief, but spectacular for its short time among us.  And sometimes, a shooting star will see another shooting star and bone it.

John F. Kennedy was one of those sex craved  shooting stars.

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Posted in The Other Guys

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Billy Angry, Dome-Maker

Posted on February 11, 2011 | 1 comment

“Fuck nature.  Fuck winter.”

~Billy Angry

[Editor’s note: We wrote this article back in 2011 as a satirical discussion of an honest to God proposal to defeat winter by putting a dome over a town. You can see the name of the person responsible in the link to a Time Magazine article listed in the following paragraph. In 2013, the person this article is about reached out, claiming, correctly, that he did not do most of the things listed in this article. We responded with laughter, because, of course. In 2019, he reached out to us through his attorney to demand his name be stricken from this article. We complied. Though, again, you can just look at the Time Magazine article if you want to know his name. We have changed it here to “Billy Angry” because we’re not known for our subtlety here]

As we suffer through yet another brutal winter, some AFFotD staff members were ripping up old magazines to celebrate February 11th, which is our annual “everyone make fun of a dying media” day.  But while we were ripping up a Time magazine, a story caught our eye.  A story about reckless abandon, brazen defiance of “facts,” and a healthy hatred of nature.  It was there that we read the story of Billy Angry.

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Posted in Fuck Nature, The Best of the Rest

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A Detailed Examination of the History and Condiments of Hot Dogs

Posted on February 10, 2011 | 25 comments

“Hoootttt…..Dooooooggggggsssssss….*drops a snowglobe*”

~Orson Wells’ last words

Americans truly are champions of unhealthy food, as we’ve documented time and time again.  With each American cuisine comes another foolproof method for us to gain incredible weight without having to suffer through eating anything that is not amazingly delicious.  Steaks, hamburgers, fried food and beer, all of these have been hoisted by the America Fun Fact of the Day staff as symbols of our greatness.  We are a land of temptation, and as the antagonist-character-who-is-a-thinly-veiled-metaphor-for-the-Devil-in-a-Christian-“movie”-made-by-a-Megachurch would tell us, “Sin is in”.

But one American food stands head and shoulders above all else, something that is delicious, high in fat, calories, sodium, nitrates, and suicide bomber white blood cells.  A food that, eaten alone, is already terribly unhealthy for you, but is expected to be combined with deep fried starches.  A food that should be filling, but where eating two, or even three, over the course of a baseball game is no big deal.  A food so American that every year we have competitions to see who can cram the most down our throat, and when a Japanese person dared to claim the world record, an American trained himself, Rocky style, to kick his ass by setting new world records each year.

We are of course talking about the reason why American health care is so expensive, the Hot Dog.

Just because it’s phallic does not make us gay to want to have sex with this right now.

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Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts, Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Steaks

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Ernest Hemingway Punches With His Writing Hand

Posted on February 9, 2011 | 4 comments

“For me, bullfighting is much like driving.  I’m much better at it when I’ve been drinking.”

~Ernest Hemingway

American writers are a difficult group to pin down.  They can be champions of American virtues, the AFFotD-approved freelancers who punch bears and write sonnets, or they can be Dan Brown.  For every Mark Twain, there’s a Stephenie Meyer (who AFFotD staffers had to look up the name of several times by googling “that chick who wrote those shitty vampire books.”)  But when discussing American authors who were American, the entire AFFotD staff agreed that if there is a gold standard for American badass writers, the list would have to start with one Ernest Miller Hemingway, a writer so righteously American that, when we accidentally started to spell his name with two M’s instead of one, the ghost of his beard apparated and kicked Chuck Palahniuk so hard in the genitals that his balls penned a short story deriding materialism in society.

That’s right, Hemingway’s beard’s ghost is American enough to indirectly pen a short story good enough to get published in the New Yorker.  Not that we can say we were surprised.   Come on.  Look at that thing.

And with that look, seven French women just became impregnated.

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Posted in Writers

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A Road Trip of Roadside Attractions Through America’s Midwest: Part 1

Posted on February 8, 2011 | 6 comments

“Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?”

~Those fucking kids.  I swear to God, I will drive this van into a ravine.


America is a land of roads.  More than any other nation, the highways and interstates of this great land speak of a legacy.  You can drive to any state you want, assuming you had enough time, gas money, and activated charcoal to fool the breathalyzers.   Except for Hawaii, but Hawaii the 51st most American state in the World.  Guam is ahead of it, and Guam isn’t even a goddamn state.

But if it is the roads of America that serve as this nation’s heart, roadside attractions serve as our soul.  America can take something like twine, try to make the world’s biggest ball of it, and center it as the primary reason for people to visit their town.  And people will stop and see that big ass ball of twine because hey, that’s sorta cool, besides, we all need a piss stop anyway.  Hell, this is a country that not only has a “world’s largest cherry pie tin,” they have a contending giant pie tin forty-five minutes away.

No other place in the world comes close to the glory of a roadside attraction during a lengthy road trip.  In Europe, you have to deal with Smart Cars getting all up on your grill.  In South America, the closest thing they have to a “Roadside attraction” is the fact that they carve murder roads into cliffs as a way to battle population growth.

“Hola?”  “ADIOS!”

Every state in America has something just off the highway in some small town that is gloriously pointless.  What is more American than the World’s Largest Toilet ?  Why, the World’s Largest American Flag, obviously, and that’s just two towns over.  Fuck yes!

America’s Midwest is often known as “America’s Heartland,” and Indiana even admits in its state motto of “The Crossroads of America” that “You basically go through our state to get where you want to go.”  For this reason, today’s America Fun Fact of the Day will be about…

Landmark Attractions of the American Midwest (or, like, 3 states)

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Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts, American Road Trips

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Hamburgers: Deliciously American

Posted on February 7, 2011 | 10 comments

“Heart attacks are just God’s way of congratulating you for being so damn American.”

~Chester B. Arthur


America has not always been known as a culinary giant of the world, the concept of “gourmet” food being a laughably European notion for much of the 20th century.  And while many foods that we take for granted, such as pizza, ice cream and paint thinner, get their roots from other, non-American nations, one food staple will always be synonymous with American consumption.

Of course, we are talking about…the Hamburger.

Oh dear God, that explains why food porn blogs exist…

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Posted in Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Steaks

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America Fun Fact of the Day’s Discussion of Super Bowl 2011

Posted on February 6, 2011 | 1 comment

“Dadada dada daaaa, BUMMM, dadada dada daaaa, BUMMM, dadada dadada, DUH DUH DAH DUHHH. “

~You, drunkenly, tonight

When you think of America, what comes to mind?  Eating junk food?  Seven layer bean dips?  Drinking copious amounts of beer during a Sunday afternoon?  Watching full grown men give each other concussions?  Fuck yes!  America!  Super Bowl!  FOOTBALL!  FOOOTBALLLLLLLLLLL!

FOOOOOOOTBAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL

Today is an important day for the alcohol industry, the fledgling bacon loaf industry, and ad executives who trick companies to pay millions of dollars for usually ineffective commercials that, even when they’re good, no one remembers what they advertise.  But most of all, today is important…for America.

Today is Super Bowl We-Don’t-Know-What-Roman-Numerals-Mean-Because-I-Mean-Come-On-This-Is-America-Get-Your-Head-Out-Of-Your-Ass,-NFL.  Two teams that have names that have been used as insults to people face off, the Robbers versus the Homosexual Innuendos.  So to honor these teams, which have a combined 9 Premature Death Trophies between them, America Fun Fact of the Day is here to give you a comprehensive history of the Super Bowl and this year’s contenders of the number one reason for hangover induced sick days of the year.

This is the look of two people who did not remember anything after the first quarter of the previous day’s game.  On the plus side, that means they missed having to see the Black Eyed Peas.

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Posted in Miscellaneous America

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An American History of America’s Liquor: Bourbon

Posted on February 5, 2011 | 4 comments

“If I haven’t gotten drunk to the point that I start hallucinating, it’s been a crap night.  Now, who wants to duel?”

~Andrew Jackson

While the America Fun Fact of the Day staff never really paid much attention in History Class, we do remember at one point hearing “something something that turns that cogs of the American machine.”  Knowing what we know about America (namely everything, despite whatever that bitch of an American History summer school teacher told us) there is only one logical thing this could have been referring to.

That, of course, is booze.  And of all the boozes out there, only one is so American it was discovered in America, created in America, named after somewhere in American, and is responsible for more spouses accidentally falling down the stairs in America than a Green Bay Packers loss.

We are of course referring to the brownest of the browns, the sweetest of the sweet, giver of life and hangovers.  Bourbon.

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Posted in Whiskey and Bourbon

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