“Gahhh habal heaeg gwaaarrrrk!”
~That Smelly Guy on the Bus
Every nation has its levels of despondency, where the rich and the poor are separated by a nearly impossible chasm of social status. Some are fortunate enough to have riches beyond our wildest hopes and dreams, while others are forced to live on the streets, trying to find or get enough money to scrape by. In nations such as Italy, the homeless bow down in silent penance, hoping for a kind stranger to hear their wordless plea.
But fuck that noise, America does it right. That’s right, America is home to the craziest sons of bitches you’ve ever seen homeless. There is a rich history of American crazy homeless people, the best of whom have quirky names and known habits. The University of Illinois, for example, has a homeless character named The Rebel. Northwestern has an overweight homeless person named “Big” who the rest of the homeless population despises. And of course, there is shoeshine Lenny, who rides on a bike to inform you that he is shoeshine Lenny, and he doesn’t have any, but if you help him out, someday, we’ll all have plenty.
These people breath a special brand of crazy that only America can breed, and today, America Fun Fact of the Day salutes them.
At ease, hobo.
“Why won’t he die? WHY WON’T HE DIE!?”
~The Murder Trust, 1933
It’s a shocking truth that, some great Americans? Were not born in America. Hell, Bob Hope, the man who made it a life passion to entertain American troops, was born in England. We’re not elitists, we’re Americans, and we recognize that this is a melting pot, and that if you truly embrace what it means to be an American, it doesn’t matter where you were born. Such is the case of the most glorious homeless man in the history of America, Michael Malloy.
Who was Michael Malloy, you may ask? Only an Irish-American who was as impossible to kill as Rasputin, if Rasputin knew how to hold his liquor. Born in Ireland, Malloy once worked as a Fireman before coming to America and inventing crippling alcoholism. He died in 1933 at the age of 60, after a series of failed murder attempts at the hands of The Murder Trust. While the death of a great, booze guzzling hero is always a tragedy, if you’re gonna go down, you might as well go down at the hands of a group as awesomely named as “The Murder Trust.” The only way Michael Malloy’s obituary could have read any more awesome is if his cause of death had been listed as “advanced age and sexual encounters with twelve women in one night.”
Especially if he was dressed as a Stormtrooper, but ESPECIALLY if he was dressed as a Stormtrooper.