America Fun Fact of the Day

Posted in The Best of the Rest

Tagged America, Blago, Blagojevich, Charlie Sheen, Napoleon

[REDACTED] Watches the Women’s World Cup Soccer Match Between America and North Korea

Posted on June 29, 2011 | 4 comments

“[REDACTED] has been getting a free pass for far too long. He fled our confines and how did we reward him? We let him eat incredibly unhealthy pizza. It has been affecting morale in the office, so we are going to make that fucker watch some Women’s World Cup Soccer.”

~Official AFFotD Memo, June 28^th

As a longtime contributor, occasional hostage-situation describer, and our only investigative journalist, [REDACTED] is a fixture in the AFFotD offices in the same way our water pipes are. That is to say, sure, they have lead, we want to get rid of them, but goddamn it it’s tough to get yourself motivated to put forth effort after your sixth Wednesday afternoon scotch and soda. So, as per the official Memo sent to our office just yesterday, the powers that be have decided that it’s about time that [REDACTED] have to deal with some shit he won’t like. We’re no longer letting him coast by on wild nights out or pizza binges, we’re going to actually make him write up on America based topics that the rest of the staff wouldn’t want to touch with a ten foot pole.

That’s right. Women’s Soccer. Ugh. The hell is this bullshit? That’s what [REDACTED] is going to have to figure out as we send him out to do a report on the first round of the Women’s World Cup (there’s a Women’s World Cup now?) between USA (USA! USA!) and North Korea (…ha)

[REDACTED] is Forced to Watch a Women’s Competitive Soccer Match

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Posted in North Korea, [REDACTED]

Tagged 2011 Women's World Cup, America, Basketball, Brandi Chastain, Carrie Bradshaw, Carrot Top, espn, Football, Jeff Carlisle, Jennie Finch, Johnny Roosevelt, Kim Jong Il, Korea, North Korea, North Korean Team, Olympics, pig dog, Pitch, Pizza Binges, Redacted, Round 1 Match Between USA and North Korea, Scotch, Scotch and Soda, Sealy, Sealy Mattress, Soccer, Terry Bradshaw, USA, Vuvuzula, WNBA

Okay, So We Were Taken Hostage Again, Goddamn It Anyway

Posted on June 28, 2011 | 2 comments

“Our locksmith is so fired.”

~Johnny Roosevelt

Okay, well that at least has been sorted out. Finally. Took a few days, but the AFFotD offices are 100% hostage-takers-free. We’ve even cleaned up the Ukrainian Blood. Do you know how hard Ukrainian blood is to get out? So hard.

Obviously, many readers were quite worried a few days ago when we posted a desperate plea for help from the staff’s broom closet (it’s the most American broom closet you can imagine. The mop bucket uses bourbon instead of water) letting you all know that we had, yet again, been kidnapped by some God. Damn. Ukrainians.

Gone were our attack monkeys (fuck you, PETA), gone were our chainsaw-nun-chucks (stupid government regulations), gone were our automated defense systems (…actually that was our bad, we totally forgot to pay the electricity bill last month).

All we had were our wits. Well, that and an army of nameless interns to send on suicidal missions. Their screams will haunt us for the rest of our days.

We’re still trying to get things back to operational capacity here, but we did have a few of our more semi-literate staff members describing their experience as it was happening through various journal entries. We know, ugh, that’s just the fucking worst. So here is…

AFFotD Staff Members Write About Their Feelings and Shit, When Shit Gets Real

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Tagged America, Bourbon, Fire, Hostage, Idaho, Intern, Johnny Roosevelt, Kidnapping, Red Lobster, Redacted

Pizza Bagels Are Delicious

Posted on June 27, 2011 | 1 comment

“Mama mia, I’m an ethnic stereotype!”

~Chef Boyardee

(editor’s note: Yup. We’re still in the midst of a hostage situation. Hopefully it will be out of the way by tomorrow . Until then, here is a previously scheduled AFFotd)

While AFFotD staff members have been known for their enjoyment of pizza for its unhealthy joy, but what we try to avoid mentioning is that Pizza actually originated in a foreign land with a foul and unpronounceable name (Italy), so that, despite managing to find a way to combine otherwise healthy items like cheese, bread, and tomatoes in such a way to make massive amounts of grease, it technically is not an “American” food.

But it is if you put it on a damn bagel.

Yes, America is known as a melting pot, which given the fact that the term is used as a metaphor for “people of different races, ethnicities, religious affiliations, and backgrounds” is actually pretty gross and conjures up an image of a bunch of melted together people, which some of our staff members who got nightmares from watching Raiders of the Lost Ark as children don’t particularly appreciate.

“Bring us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe….AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

And being a Melting Pot…or, you know, “mix of people,” one thing we excel at is taking things we like from one culture and mixing it with something else to make it even fucking better, like the man who took rum and invented Coca-Cola to mix it with, or how we mixed a white European with a Mexican-American and made one Jessica Alba. Which is why, in the early 20^th Century, when Jewish and Italian populations in New York got together, the end result was a delicious, snackable, entirely unhealthy Pizza Bagel.

Which we are here today to salute.

Ohhhh, yes

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Posted in Pizza Pizza

Tagged America, Bagel, Hostage, Italy, pizza, Pizza Bagels

Oh Crap You Guys

Posted on June 26, 2011 | Leave a comment

“WHY ARE YOU ASKING FOR A QUOTE NOT NOW DAMMIT!”

~Johnny Roosevelt

Shit guys, shit, okay. So…

Remember a while back, when those Ukrainians were all…hostage-taking-y? They’re…

…Wait wait we think we heard something…

Yeah, okay they’re back. We honestly don’t know what we could have done to piss them off, other than that moderately successful viral smear campaign against them (we don’t want to brag but it was basically the “It Gets Better” of anti-Ukrainian internet videos). Anyway…

SHHHHH…Jesus, this closet is cramped…

Anyway, they’re back. And our attack monkeys are on vacation. Shit.

Hopefully we can get out of this. If we survive, expect a lengthy description of our peril, and a casualty report (don’t worry it’s mainly Kardashians) tomorrow. Until then, remember…nuclear power only supports their economy, try heating your homes by burning trees instead. America out.

Tagged America

America Fun Fact of the Day 6/25- Saturday Image of the Week

Posted on June 25, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Is…that…?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

We’re going to cut to the chase here. It’s Saturday. It’s image time. Enjoy it.

Spoiler alert, it’s a fucking car crammed inside a goddamn van.

Everything about that is America. Have a good weekend everyone.

Tagged America, Saturday Image of the Week, sideways car, Upside down, Van

Bourbon is Still Delicious

Posted on June 24, 2011 | 1 comment

“Our shit might not be that good, but you’d still suckle it like a calf at her mamma’s tit after going long enough without any other type of bourbon…”

~Jim “Gotchya Drunk” Beam

AFFotD has spent time in the past discussing the glorious American spirit known as Bourbon, and after a thousand words you’d probably have assumed we were done talking about it. Well, you assumed wrong. Much like the shakes most Americans get in the morning after they wake up but before they shotgun their first beer in the shower, we were starting to have some bad withdrawal from covering so many topics that weren’t whiskey or bourbon related. Every day that went by with us talking about the goddamn Rapture, glorious old-timey mustaches, or poop felt like the moment of resigned clarity each American faces when they wake up to find that the so-called “people who care about” them had cleared out their liquor cabinets, just before the delirium tremens sets in. America is full of epic alcoholics, is what we’re trying to say.

We think it’s safe to assume that most of you reading this assumed we were referring to the beer, and not the horrific side effect of alcohol withdrawal.

We missed talking about bourbon, and you missed (drink) having AFFotD (drink) write articles that very (drink) subtly and subliminally (drink) told you to go out and drink (…d..drink). That’s why we are here to add…

AFFotD’s Appendix to the Original Guide to Bourbon (in America)

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Posted in Whiskey and Bourbon

Tagged America, Bourbon, Delerium Tremens, Jim Beam, Mad Men, Manhattans, Old Fashions, Old-Timey mustaches, Rapture

America’s Partial Guide to Bribing

Posted on June 23, 2011 | Leave a comment

“If it’s a crime to love your country, then I’m guilty. And if it’s a crime to steal a trillion dollars from the U.S. government and give it to Communist Cuba, then I’m guilty. And if it’s a crime to bribe a jury, I’ll soon be guilty of that!”

~Senor Burns

There’s an old saying in America- money buys happiness. Additionally, it’s often said that if something is “fucking golden” you don’t want to “give it away for nothing.”

Photo unrelated

Yes, America is a greasy wheel, and the only way to get it running is to give it a little oil. See what we did there? That was a subtle allusion to the fact that bribes are a super important part of America. Literally nothing gets done in the country unless someone is putting money under the table. Did you know that if your house is on fire, firemen are only legally required to put it out if you pay them like, 10 bucks each? “No, I did not notice that, no wonder they just stood there and watched my memories burn,” we hear you say. Well, we at AFFotD know all the trade secrets to successful bribing, from when you’re getting conned (you’re just about always getting conned) to how paying the right amount of money to the right amount of people can put you in the real hospitals, as opposed to the one ambulances go to which were actually developed as Petri Dishes for super-bacteria.

This is the hospital you go to if you don’t bribe people

Do you want the dentist to give you the fillings that don’t double as a homing beacon? Do you want the water company to run the non arsenic tap water through your pipes? Do you want the voices to stop? Why won’t the voices stop?

That’s where we at AFFotD come into play, with our comprehensive guide on bribing. Who to bribe, how to bribe, and most importantly, when to bribe.

Bribes won’t help you here…unless you bribe a necromancer. Actually, bribes can still help you here.

Tagged America, blagojavich, Bribery, bribes, petri dishes, super bacteria

AFFotD’s Book Review of “Kill All The Belgians”

Posted on June 22, 2011 | 5 comments

“Book review? Only if it’s extremely negative to other cultures. It IS? Sure I’ll give it a shot, then”

~AFFotD Book Reading Guy, Chuck Palahniuk

Books are scary. Look at those assholes up there, just… looking all…rustic and shit. Since you are reading an America Fun Fact of the Day, we can safely assume that we should explain what books are to you, the semi-literate reader.

“Hey that there tuxedo bird hurt it head, hyuk”

Books are a series of pieces of paper that are usually organized in a way to inform the reader or tell a story. They are “bound” together using glue or string or magic or whatever shit they use, and the front of a book is usually a “cover” that will have a picture telling you what the book is called, and giving you an idea what it is about. About half the time the cover has something to do with Fabio. Popular books include, The Bible, Harry Potter, and The Day My Butt Went Psycho. Books should be viewed as dangerous, however, as they often will force Americans to read, and greatly increase your risk of paper cuts, which always suck, no matter how much Neosporin you put on them.

IT DOES NOTHING!

That is why we at the AFFotD offices are hesitant to begin our next segment. While we were perusing the google translate for various Belgium website (as most people do in their spare time when their firewall blocks out porn) when we found a garbled article decrying a book written by an American that paints the Belgians (Belgiums? Belges? Gums?) in a particular negative right. For whatever reason, Belgians had a problem with this book, and were offended by it. That got our attention. If an American is pissing off a foreign nation, we’re going to approve of it. When we found out that it was a children’s book with pictures, we got even more excited, because that meant that at least 60% of our staff would be able to make some sense out of it at least. And finally, we saw the title…

Yes, that’s right. Let’s Kill All The Belgians: A Child’s Guide to Genocide. We had a lengthy argument in the office about if that was the best book title ever, or the best book title ever, eventually settling on a fistfight. So we figured, coming in at a whopping seven pages, we out to give Danny Wind’s masterpiece a proper review. So now, here is the first ever AFFotD Book Review (of America!)