The World’s 10 Most Expensive Yachts

Posted on April 30, 2013 | 3 comments

“I have more money than you, and a much smaller penis.”

~The owners of the world’s most expensive yachts

streets of morocco yacht

It takes a certain kind of person to own a boat.  Unless you’re a mountain man with a hand-fashioned canoe, boat ownership tends to require a specific combination of “disposable income”, “access to a large water mass”, and “possessing a desire to spend your time bobbing on said water mass.”  That said, among those who meet these criteria, there are still a myriad of reasons that we buy boats.  Some like to go fishing, or just appreciate the calmness of the sea.  Still others like adventure, and use their boats to compete in thousand-league-long races, or travel the globe.  Every one of these individuals feels a deep seated passion for the sea (or their nearest lake) and a sense of oneness with these bodies of water that harkens the very spirit of those who sailed across the endless ocean to find America in the first place.  It’s an admirable hobby (or obsession, depending on the level of commitment).

And then, of course, there are the douchebags that buy floating mansions to flaunt their wealth.  These people like to spend a few million dollars to buy a boat that they can anchor within view of the nearest beach while surrounded with bikini-clad women who are 30 years younger than them.  It’s not exactly the best subset of American culture, but…well, yeah, on the scale of “positive examples of American culture” it’s right between “people who cook meth in 20-ounce plastic soda bottles” and “people who go to fancy restaurants and order a bottle of ‘ka-ber-net sah-vig-none’ unironically.”

trailer trash

Pictured above:  could be either group, actually

Thankfully, America tends to stay out of the “trying to prove that you’re totally not impotent by making the largest, most expensive yacht in the nation” race (with one exception) but some people (cough, Saudi princes and Russian billionaires) can’t seem to be satisfied with a measly ten million dollar yacht requiring a permanent crew.  So we decided to pool together a semi-definitive list of the most expensive boats to ever grace our oceans (God, we hope they’re at least going on the ocean.  A giant multi-million dollar taking up an entire lake seems like the ultimate “fuck you” to poor people).  It’s free to look, because you’ll never be able to afford a single one of them.

The World’s Most Expensive Yachts

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Heroes in Action Toys Presents: Presidential Monsters

Posted on April 24, 2013 | 1 comment

“I want all of these.  No, I want MORE than all of these.”

~You

presidential monsters

Ingenuity often comes from the most obvious places.  People have liked meth, wolves, and oversized T-shirts for years, but it wasn’t until someone sat down and said, “Hey, let’s put three wolves on a KFC-stained T-shirt” that we collectively said, “Oh, of course” and bought a million shirts from The Mountain.  We didn’t know that chocolate could be put into peanut butter, and vice versa, without a combination of divine intervention and mercy killings.  So when we were told that Heroes in Action Toys made action figures of American presidents, we weren’t particularly impressed…until they clarified that the presidents were also monsters.

And we immediately wanted to buy all of them.

Yes, it seems so simple in retrospect, but it took a true genius to come up with monster versions of each American president, and it would be a disservice if we didn’t take you through each and every item on the catalog to show you how incredibly American this idea is.  You’re welcome.

Heroes in Action Toys Presents:  Presidential Monsters

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America’s 10 Most Alcoholic Beers

Posted on April 17, 2013 | 26 comments

“Beer, motor fuel, semantics.”

~American Brewers

brewmeister armageddon

For years, media sources have been discussing how “Macro” beers such as Budweiser, Coors, and piss Miller have lost ground to the niche market of craft breweries (which the macro breweries buy for themselves).

There has been a lot of speculation as to the reason for this—microbrews tend to use better ingredients to make creative, delicious, flavorful beers that blow their much more watered down counterparts out of the water.  They are a new, thriving addition to an alcohol producing landscape that until the mid 2010s was remarkably stagnant.  Hell, microbrews even offer a wide variety of complex beer styles that can be paired with any meal, as opposed to Bud Light, which is only paired with Solo Cups and roofies.

Yes, all of those can explain the surge of craft beers, but if we had to guess, the main reason behind their success rests with the fact that we’re all American, and craft beers just tend to get you drunk faster.  You can doll it up all you want, but most Americans would rather spend a few more bucks on a tasty beer as opposed to a domestic brew that’s got half the alcohol.  That’s just simple economics.

So in order to celebrate America’s contributions to getting you drunk while drinking as little liquid as possible, we at AFFotD are here to present you with…

America’s 10 Most Alcoholic Beers

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Five Reasons Why No One Is Afraid Of North Korea

Posted on April 9, 2013 | Leave a comment

“Aw look, North Korea is threatening to nuke us.  That’s cute.”

~American Media

 kim jong-il

A lot of our readers were born in the late 1980s and 1990s have never lived in actual fear of nuclear weapons.  Sure, we’ve all seen the 1950s cartoons that say you can survive a nuclear blast if you hide under a desk and also are a turtle, but for those readers who didn’t live through the 50s, 60s, 70s, and early chunk of the 80s, the concept of “actively fearing nuclear annihilation” seems less like “real life” and more like “Wow, 24 finally jumped the shark didn’t they.”

Of course, for those of our readers that did live through that period…that was pretty freaky, right?  Shit almost got real a few times there.  While not exactly paralyzing America with fear, the nuclear threat was always in the back of our minds.  Russia was a powerful and terrifying foe, and they really didn’t like us.  They only reason they didn’t slaughter us outright is that they knew we’d probably do the same in kind, and even with that mutually assured destruction in place, they were still considering it.

This is relevant because, for the first time in decades, America has actively been threatened with nuclear attack.  As in, “the moment of explosion is approaching fast” and “we have actually approved the use of nuclear weapons against your country.”  And no one gives a shit.  We’re literally talking “page four news.”  Why?

Because it’s North Korea, and North Korea is a bunch of clowns.  Does that sound a bit harsh?  Yes.  Are we a little pissed off at their hijacking of our website last week?  Well, sure.  But there are also numerous well documented reasons why no one is scared of North Korea.  Don’t believe us?  Here are five, just off the top of our head.

Five Reasons Why No One Is Afraid Of North Korea

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Best Korea Daily Information For Enjoyment, April 1!

Posted on April 1, 2013 | 2 comments

“Dare not gaze at the oppressors icons above, stare instead at my benevolent face!”

~Wondrous Leader, Kim Jong-Un

 kim jong un

Greetings, denizens of Best Korea, on this, the day that exalted leader has given you access to the treacherous “Internet” of the heinous imperialist American pigdogs!  We of government of Best Korea has once again taken time from building our powerful tank missiles and nuclear lemon trees that grow lemons that also are nuclear bombs which we will throw at the American oppressors to wish you happy tidings on this oh blessed day!

While you are no doubt mired deep in the glorious eyes of your divinely ordained leader, beware!  On other days of the year, these “Internets” are a terrifying wasteland, where the American swine spend their days watching public executions and women defecating into each other’s privates!  Their privates!

korea wife and husband

The fair wife of our glorious leader would faint at such awful sights!  She does not have a daughter, glorious Kim Jung-Un is only capable of having a masculine child!

Now on this, the most glorious of days, shall we raise our fists in victory over the imperialist swine oppressors!  Behold our mighty arsenal of weapons!

dog and gun

Yes, our pets can defend our homeland!

missile

Quake in fear of our mighty rockets!

korea kim jong un jet ski

TREMBLE AT POWER OF BEST KOREAN NAVY!

On this, as on every April first, oh glorious leader has awoken to defeat great friend of Best Korea, Dennis Rodman, in a game of basketball. Great Champion Of Best Korea defeated The Worm 1,000-2, purposely giving up two points out of respect for his dear friend.  Immediately following, advisers informed him of the daily status of all citizens of Best Korea.  Every woman and child had held hands across the nation to sing praises for dearly departed leader, Kim Jong-Il, while every man found a sack of grain in front of his luxurious home personally presented to him by our Glorious Leader Kim Jong-Un.  No citizen of Best Korea ever will want for food, and never will our words be anything but pure truth as opposed to the reckless posturing of a weak insignificant nation!

lemon

QUAKE BEFORE OUR NUCLEAR LEMONS!

Then, Great Magnanimous One inspects the brave troops of Best Korea, more numerous than all the other armies in the world, combined and multiplied.  For every American imperialist living in their fetid filth there are one million soldiers who live to serve Best Korea!  One Million!  Every day, the cowardly nation of America has a new leader, as each President must resign as soon as he sees the inevitable defeat he must face at the hands of our Glorious Leader, whose radiance ensures that there is never a cloud in the sky or rain to water our crops, which have learned to grow simply because Great Leader asked them kindly!

seedling

“We live off the nutrients of Great Leader’s encouragement!”

While each happy, well-fed citizen smiles at the perpetual joy of living in the grandest nation on Earth with absolutely no relatives being forced to work in any sort of labor camps for their subversive views, Great Leader toils endlessly to ensure the safety of this great nation while laughing with joy as the American swine dogs quake with fear.

And quake they should, as they gaze upon our incredible armies!

video game army

Our technology is vastly superior to all in existence!

So once again, brave citizens of Best Korea, join our Wondrous Leader in the singing of the newest song of Korean pride!

All who oppose us will be doomed

Privy to fears of imperialist rule

Readily we all proclaim

In Fearless Leader’s holy name

Lashing the flesh of our enemies

For their screams will give us glee!

On this the most glorious day

Our enemies must will quiver this way

Lurching in the dark waiting to be defeated

So they shall, when they encounter Best Korea!!!

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Point-Counterpoint: Breast-Poured Whiskey

Posted on March 28, 2013 | Leave a comment

“I know I should like this, but…it’s weird, right?  That’s not just me?  It’s, like, super weird?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

whiskey pour

Mainlining America like a freedom junkie isn’t all whiskey enemas, fried foods, and blackout “fuck you” voice mails left on your boss’s cell phone.  In fact, it’s pretty hard to get to the core of what’s truly American without becoming some sort of cartoonish caricature since we live in a nation full of gray areas.  We might love foxy boxing, and we might love watching Sylvester Stallone breaking people’s necks, but we still were sad in that scene in Million Dollar Baby where Sylvester Stallone broke Hillary Swank’s neck (full disclosure, that might have been stool that had a passing resemblance to Stallone).

So while your initial reaction when reading about the German liquor company that sells whiskey that is poured on a Playboy model’s bare breasts before being bottled might be, “Dammit AFFotD, where were you on this, how’d you let the Krauts beat us to this!?” it’s really a much more complicated issue, with many people firmly believing that it sounds actually kinda gross, and another group arguing, you know, titties.

So we figured this was as good of a time as any to take two of our writers and have them discuss the philosophical implications of this product in yet another AFFotD Point/Counterpoint.

POINT/COUNTERPOINT:  BREAST-POURED WHISKEY- AMAZING OR KINDA WEIRD?

whiskey breast pour

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AFFotD News Item of the Month: Doritos Locos Tacos Doritos Will Doom Us All, Taste Delicious

Posted on March 27, 2013 | 1 comment

“We have to go deeper…*VROOOOM*”

~Cheese-ception

 doritos locos tacos

It’s been a while since we’ve taken the time to be topical and relevant for you.  Sure, there have been epic articles describing every state in America, or telling you about terrifying educational rap videos from the 1990’s, but we’ve mainly been educating you on the past, as opposed to the present.

That’s not always been the case.  We’ve had moments in the past when something was so important we just had to tell you about it, even if the article was so rushed it’s not even worth clicking here to read it (seriously, we missed some opportunities by not having an “Osama is dead” article in the can before that shit went down).

While the days of a monthly news post are gone, that doesn’t mean we can’t occasionally bring relevant discussions of current American issues to the forefront.  As you’ve no doubt noticed with Facebook profiles lately, there are potentially monumental changes for the country on the horizon.  We would be foolish if we didn’t address them in a calm, straightforward manner, since it is something that will touch the lives of millions upon millions of Americans, and it would be irresponsible to pretend it’s not happening right this moment.

That’s right.  Doritos is making a Doritos Locos Tacos flavored Dorito.  Yes.  Inception finally has an official junk food snack.

AFFotD News Item of the Month:  Doritos Locos Tacos Doritos Will Doom Us All, Taste Delicious

doritos

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The Largest Bottles Of Alcohol In The World

Posted on March 21, 2013 | 2 comments

“But, I can still drink it all at once, right?”

~Giant booze bottle owners

giant carlsburg

In America, there are two phrases we’re quite fond of.  “Bigger is better” and, “I’m so wasted right now.”  So it’s only natural that we should combine those two forces with alcohol containers that are so large they require a team of engineers to figure out an effective way to actually drink out of it.

While we’ve all had our lonely nights huddled in the dark corners of our studio apartments suckling on a handle of Jim Beam, only the truly great among us have thought, “What if I could sell three liters of booze at a time?  How about a full gallon?  What about a million boozes!?”

Those people are mere rank amateurs compared to the following alcohol distributors.  Sit back and enjoy as we show you…

The Largest Bottles Of Alcohol In The World

giant bottle

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Posted in America's Largest Everything, Mixing Drinks

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[REDACTED] Reviews The Recycle Rap

Posted on March 12, 2013 | 4 comments

“Oh this is awful.  Let’s put [REDACTED] on it, I guess.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

everything is terrible

We don’t necessarily go out of our way to hawk other people’s websites, but every once in a while we have to give a site its credit when they post a video that’s so great we’ll want to discuss it, or so horrible we’ll force our undercover investigator, [REDACTED], to review it.  In this case, the blog Everything Is Terrible was more than willing to supply us with, well, one of those terrible ones.  Specifically, an awkward, probably 90’s, video of  awkward children rap about recycling.  You can take a moment to watch it if you like, but we can save you the pain by inflicting it on our poor, abused investigative journalist.

Ha ha, we love to make you suffer, [REDACTED]!

[REDACTED] Reviews The Recycle Rap

east180_1043555a

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The History of American Indoor Football (AIF)

Posted on March 6, 2013 | 6 comments

“Yeah, I play professional football.  No, not for the NFL.  No, not for the Arena Football League.  Yeah, no, you’re not going to guess it.”

~AIFL Starting Quarterback

aif

America loves football as much as they love concussions.  And they must love concussions, because they really love football.  Long the nation’s most popular sport, it is responsible for the majority of the nation’s millionaires who weigh in over 300 pounds.  However, when we think of football, we think of two types of players: The really good ones who get paid ridiculous amounts of money in exchange for taking years off their life like some sort of warped bizarro-Dorian-Gray (NFL) or the occasionally-great-but-normally-okay ones who put their body at risk for free but get in trouble if they accept a free tattoo (NCAA).  Now, some of you might say, “Hey, there’s also the Arena Football League!  You know, with guys not quite good enough to play in the NFL?” and to you we’d say, wow, someone’s been watching ESPN2 at 3 in the afternoon on a slow sports day.  But you are right, the Arena Football League does have a small hold in America, and since they’re based in major cities, they manage to stay relevant enough that upon hearing the words “I’m the quarterback of the Chicago Rush” you’d typically respond, “Oh, right, I think I’ve heard of them.”

But if there’s one thing we’ve learned from the insufferably poor quality of NFL Thursday night games, it’s that America views football a lot like they view sex.  When it’s good, it’s really good.  And when it’s bad?  It’s still pretty good.  So even though not everyone who played as a backup quarterback for Oregon is going to make the big show, they can at least find a way to get paid sometimes literally thousands of dollars to play a season of professional football in some strange, haphazardly put together professional football league.

A league like the AIF.  American Indoor Football.

This is their story.

aifa ball

THE HISTORY OF AMERICAN INDOOR FOOTBALL (Previously Atlantic Indoor Football League/American Indoor Football League/American Indoor Football Association)

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