Tag Archives: Beer

America’s Dumbest Laws #1-5

Posted on May 26, 2011 | 2 comments

“We can only hope that someday, a law will come that will be more idiotic than this law which we are trying to pass.”

~Every member of the Temperance Movement

We live in a society of rules and laws, but we exist as a society that would prefer to ignore the ones we don’t agree with.  And generally, law enforcement officers don’t care about the laws that we ignore, unless outdated definitions of brothels are involved, but even then Americans just find a way around it.  The fact is, many laws have been enacted in this fine land over the past 130 plus years (wait…2011 minus 1776 is…yeah that sounds about right) and not all of them aged particularly well.  But, instead of replacing them, we leave them on the books so that they can just stare at us, looking silly, watching us laugh at them.  Sorta like Andy Kaufman.

You had us at that one time you said that thing with the funny accent.

Since the AFFotD office has a running “felony” pool, we like to track some of the more obscure laws in the land for when we want to add something to our list of committed crimes, while avoiding most legal repercussions.  Maybe the way we keep score for our  “Who committed the most crimes” today game is faulty, but technically manslaughter is worth as many points as getting a fish drunk in Ohio.  So that’s why we’re here to each and every American heart out there the ways that they’ve been breaking the law, without even realizing it, in today’s edition of…

AFFotD’s Most Ridiculous American Laws of America

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Posted in Strange America

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American Presidential Home Brewers

Posted on May 19, 2011 | 8 comments

“Gonna getchya drunk, bitches.”

~George Washington


We expect a lot from our Presidents.  Sign this bill, kill this terrorist, take a lengthy vacation, sign this other bill, cover up that murder committed by your cousin, give a presidential pardon to a turkey on Thanksgiving, it can be quite a chore.  And many American Presidents have had to find their own creative ways to let off some steam while on the job.  Richard Nixon had his voyeuristic taping habits.  Bill Clinton had chubby chicks.  Jimmy Carter would club homeless people over the head and trap them inside the drywall of houses made for the poor.

However, there is a little known Presidential hobby that is becoming increasingly popular, and results in a lot less collateral damage than Jimmy “My Kindly Southern Disposition Hides a Sinister Past” Carter.

That’s right.  Presidents like to brew beer.  USA!  USA!

“Osama’s dead!  I mean…beer!”

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Posted in The Other Guys

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IPAs Are More American Than You Would Think

Posted on May 6, 2011 | 1 comment

“Today, the hoppiest examples of this style are made by the new generation of American brewers.”

~Michael Jackson (No, the other one)


Not everything that is American was created in America.  Beer Pong, for example, has previously established Sumerian roots.  Whiskey might have originated somewhere else, we guess, we wouldn’t want to sully Whiskey’s name by verifying that statement.  Punches to the back of the head have been around since the beginning of time, but that doesn’t diminish how American it is to punch someone in the back of the head.

We mention this because we feel obligated to inform you that the American item we are going to discuss today doesn’t even have America in its name.  It has a different country.  But, all that doesn’t matter for shit, because it’s beer, so suck it up, gulp it down, and appreciate the American drunk you will feel when you drink…

India Pale Ales.

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Posted in Beer!

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AFFotD News Item: Man Consumes Only Beer For Lent

Posted on April 29, 2011 | 1 comment

“Dude…I’m too tired to be mad at you.”

~J. Wilson’s Liver

Every so often, our research department comes across an article headline that screams “America.”  We usually look for certain buzz words.  “Alcohol.”  “Punching Animals.”  “Man Causes Forest Fire.”  The typical American-friendly topics.  That’s why, when we stumbled across this article, we saw America pouring out of every letter of the headline.

“Beer-Only Fast Ends With Bacon Smoothie.”

…Sorry, give us a moment, there’s a little bit of America in our eye…we just need to regain our composure…

“I’m just…so…happy…”

Obviously, this was a story that required all the due deference and measured realism that only a staff of zealous Americans with drinking problems and a penchant for dick jokes could truly tackle, so we’ve arrived on the scene to give a  brief summary of these actions that sound so American that they made the skeleton of George Washington just shotgun a beer.

Yes.  This.

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Posted in Drinkers

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Newman’s Day, Why Beer Comes in Cases

Posted on April 24, 2011 | 7 comments

“No guys please don’t do th…”

~Paul Newman, American Hero


A wise man once said, “to binge drink is to be American.  To sip at it like a fucking bitch is to get a hard punch to the face.”  That wise man was AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt, immediately after he was informed on the “rules” for wine tasting.  Because it makes no sense to spit out alcohol in any circumstances.  Have we learned nothing from the sacrifices made in the film Beerfest!?

Never was there such a tale of woe…

Yes, if you aren’t drinking recklessly, well, you’re not really drinking are you?  That’s our motto at least (“hey, AFFotD, I thought your motto was like ‘fuck nature’ or something” well we’re allowed to have more than one motto okay dayumn!)  And, while there are numerous ways to overindulge in the fine art of liquor, very rarely do we see it turned into a celebration.  A day where dangerous drinking is not only encouraged, it’s mandated.  A day that exemplifies the finest qualities of an American hero.  A day that is the reason that, right now, someone is reading this on Easter Sunday and shouting to their roommate, “HOLY SHIT THIS ARTICLE KNOWS!  IT FUCKING KNOWS MAN!”

We do, John.  We know all.

How much are you freaking out right now man!?

That day of course, is Newman’s Day (or “Newman Day” if you want to go with what Wikipedia says).  Largely prevalent in schools where you would not assume to find Herculean bouts of alcoholism (Princeton and Yale), it has since spread across the nation to schools such as Marquette University, Northwestern University, Johns Hopkins, and even Newman’s Alma Mater, Kenyon College.

The origin of this day is attributed to a comment made by Paul Newman at a Princeton commencement address, where he stated, “24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence? I think not.”  This is such an amazing quotation that even if you start to search for it, Google will stop you and go, “No, we get it we get it, you’re looking for that drinking day, here you go.  Seriously don’t waste our time by typing the rest of this out.”

“We get it, you’re an alcoholic, here’s your goddamn link.”  When did Google start getting so catty?

Obviously, in response to such a quote, the only logical thing to do was to take that advice seriously, and drink a whole case of beer in one day.  So with that in mind, we are going to celebrate with…

AFFotD’s April 24th All-Inclusive Guide to Celebrating (and Surviving) Newman’s Day

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Posted in Beer!

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Goose Island Brewmaster Urinates Publically (AFFotD News Item of the Month)

Posted on April 13, 2011 | 9 comments

“I don’t care if we’ve never done a News Item of the Month, this guy pissed in a goddamn pint glass, we’re writing about it.”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

Much like how the Eskimos treat their elders, we don’t care much for newspapers.  Honestly, if we wanted to see dinosaurs, we’d go to a museum.  If we wanted to see a dead body, we’d go to the nearby creek with a stick.  But it’s not free admissions day at the museum, and it’s not a Friday by the creek, so why on Earth would we want to read a newspaper?

We’re telling you our stance on newspapers because while we were using some newspapers as kindling today, and we ran across a story that caught our attention for several reasons.  One is that it involved public urination, as well as alcohol.  But mainly, it brought to mind an AFFotD we posted just last week.

So we had to tell you, readers of the internet, about it.  Since, as we said before, newspapers are dying faster than the black characters in early 90’s horror films.

But apparently, Greg Hall, former brewmaster of the recently-purchased-by-Budweiser Goose Island got in hot water for filling up some pint glasses with his own urine at a bar the other day.

AFFotD was there.  And here is the recap.

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Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts, Drunk People

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Nature’s Most Terrifying Insect Creations

Posted on April 11, 2011 | 3 comments

“Fuck nature.”

~AFFotD, everyday

As Americans, and purveyors of facts that tend to be, for lack of a better word, fun, we have a strong hatred for nature in all forms.  We’d sooner chug bleach than eat “all natural” food, because at least we knew that mankind had a hand in making that bleach (Plus?  Surprisingly sweet, goes very well with a cheese platter).  When we read about the world’s largest tree (and tallest living thing) being found in America, standing at 378 feet, we don’t reflect in awe at how this tree has outlived many generations of man, and even America as a nation, we get pissed off that it’s probably protected now, and we can’t turn it into a comically large chest of drawers to put in some small Indiana town somewhere.

Yeah you BETTER run

But, our strong “anti-Nature” stance sometimes gets some negative feedback from people who think “We need to preserve the planet for future generations” and “It’s not good to laugh about how the honey bees are dying off, because that’s actually going to devastate our ecosystem and agriculture.”  But guess what?  Nature started it.  Hurricanes, Tsunamis, Tornadoes, Susan Boyle, all of these are indestructible forces of nature that leaves nothing but shattered lives and broken dreams in their wake.  So why should we box with one hand behind our back?  As Nelson Muntz let us know regarding his pro-nuking-whales stance, “Gotta nuke something.”

This is not a war for the meek.  Nature has gone on the offensive, and it’s not just the direct assaults that we have to fear.  Nature’s representative, the Sandman, a distant cousin of Freddy Krueger, goes into our dreams at night and informs nature what are in our nightmares.  And then nature makes them real.

Nature makes them real.

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU….”

So below, we must perform our terrifying duty of ensuring that every American is aware of the very real nightmares that nature has unleashed on this world, in an edition we call…

Kill it Kill it Please AFFotD Make the Bad Man Stop!:  A Pictorial Discussion on Why We Must Destroy Nature, Because Fuck Nature.

[Editor’s note:  WARNING:  While these images do not portray any violence, sexuality, or other things that would be considered NSFW, they do have a very real risk of bringing back buried nightmares, because nature is a massive douchebag, and has created these terrifying creatures to haunt us at every turn.  Discretion is advised.  Seriously.  Fuck nature.]

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Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts, Fuck Nature

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The Future of Goose Island (As Owned by Anheuser-Busch)

Posted on March 29, 2011 | 4 comments

“What?  No…Nooo….NOOOOOOOOOOO.”

~People who like beer


One of the most common misconceptions in America can be found in the beers we consider to be “American.”  Many assume that the Bud Lights of the world are the ultimate American beer, because they’re cheap, low quality, and people still buy the shit out of them.  Except that most of the shitty beer, like Bud and Natty Ice, is from Anheuser-Busch InBev, based in…Belgium.  The shit is that?  Sure, Budweiser got its start in St. Louis, a city with a rich American history based around…uh…arches?  But any attempt to forgive the low quality of Budweiser because, “Well, it’s an American beer,” flew right out the window.

“But there’s still Miller Lite, right?  It’s Miller Time!”

Nope, that shit’s based out of England.  Get your head out of your ass, American beer consumer.

Fortunately, the great bastion of American liquor resides in craft beers.  While it has been established that going to a party with Milwaukee’s Best will likely result in you getting shot, if you go to a party with an American craft beer from a microbrewery, 90% of the people attending that party will get laid.  True story.  Craft brews, though more expensive, are delicious enough that you can find one that will be even be palatable for the girl at the party who keeps going on about how, “I don’t like beer,” as everyone else glares at her and silently judges the person who invited her.  Plus, they tend to have two or even four times the alcohol content of your Budweisers and Millers out there.  Better taste and more alcohol?  How is that not more American?

The microbrew culture in America has gone from laughably poor to universally respected in a fairly short period.  Sam Adams, Sierra Nevada, and Anchor Brewing helped reinvent the American brew, and since then many notable breweries have formed in America, making delicious, highly intoxicating beverages for Americans to get drunk on without nearly as bad of a hangover as you’d get from Icehouse.

While the beer industry has decreased by one percent this past year (we don’t know why this would be, we can only blame French immigrants) craft brews were up 11%, proving that more Americans appreciate the American notion of American made artisanal beers.

And we at AFFotD are sad to report that one of our classic American brewing institutions again has been assaulted by foreign powers.  And while we are strangely powerless to stop it, at the very least we at AFFotD can take a moment to reflect in the passing of an old friend.

That’s right.  Chicago microbrewery staple, Goose Island, has been purchased by Anheuser-Busch.

We’re all clearly very upset.

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Posted in Beer!

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The History of Beer Pong, Part Two: The Rules

Posted on March 9, 2011 | 5 comments

“This is my tenth game of pong, and I’m still balling the sinks…uh….”

~The Average Beer Pong Tournament Winner

As we saw in yesterday’s fun fact, the origin of Beer Pong is a rich and totally true tale.  The tale continues below.

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Posted in History of Beer Pong

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The History of Beer Pong, Part One: The Origin of Beer Pong

Posted on March 8, 2011 | 2 comments

“Violence is never the correct method to enlightenment.  I have been the victim of slings and arrows but I knew to take them in stride.  Men have attacked me, provoked me, and have I turned the other cheek.  But house rules say we are allowed to re-rack mid-turn, so you’d better give me Bozo Buckets before I fucking end you.”

 ~Gandhi

 As Americans age, they find that their sensibilities and lifestyle might soften.  Some of us settle down and start a family.  Some of us wait until kickoff to start drinking, instead of waking up at 6AM to pregame properly.  Still others feel less motivation to travel to Africa to slay lions with their bare hands, and instead stay in America to hunt coyotes.  However, there is one American activity that, though associated primarily with college students, remains fondly in the hearts of all American Champions.  Never will we tire of it, and never will we abandon it.  It is no mere game, it is a way of life, and a testament to our American abilities and ingenuity.

Of course, we are referring to Beer Pong.

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Posted in History of Beer Pong

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