“Violence is never the correct method to enlightenment. I have been the victim of slings and arrows but I knew to take them in stride. Men have attacked me, provoked me, and have I turned the other cheek. But house rules say we are allowed to re-rack mid-turn, so you’d better give me Bozo Buckets before I fucking end you.”
As Americans age, they find that their sensibilities and lifestyle might soften. Some of us settle down and start a family. Some of us wait until kickoff to start drinking, instead of waking up at 6AM to pregame properly. Still others feel less motivation to travel to Africa to slay lions with their bare hands, and instead stay in America to hunt coyotes. However, there is one American activity that, though associated primarily with college students, remains fondly in the hearts of all American Champions. Never will we tire of it, and never will we abandon it. It is no mere game, it is a way of life, and a testament to our American abilities and ingenuity.
Of course, we are referring to Beer Pong.
The first instance of Beer Pong (or Beirut if you want to play the “beer pong is the version using a ping pong paddle, it’s called Beirut if there are no paddles” card, even though you’ve never met someone who plays Beer Pong with a paddle because that’s kind of retarded) dates back to the Sumerians, who were the first civilization to consume beer. Sumerians, thinking, “holy shit, this is delicious, but if there was some way to make the delicious activity of drinking beer fun, we’d be all about that shit” created a variety of drinking games to use with it roughly fifteen minutes after inventing beer, each designed to highlight a man’s genetic superiority to the discerning women of the area.
The first, most rudimentary drinking game invented was “Drink the Beer.” These were the first documented instances of what are now known as “Case Races.” Unfortunately, since all the participants were male, these competitions did nothing to increase the likelihood of mating, since none of the women would drink, and they were not impressed with the tiebreaking measurement of “Who vomited less afterwards.”
Soon thereafter, “Flip Cup” was invented as a way to combine beer with a showcase of abilities. Teams of four would line up in front of clay jugs filled with beer, and one at a time, they would have to chug the contents of the jug, and flip the jug while it stays rested on the table, with the jug landing upside down and intact. Once completed, the next player would attempt. Since these jugs were made out of clay, and narrower at the top than the bottom, accomplishing this feat without shattering the container was rare, and considered a great sign of the man’s abilities in battle. Very few were able to successfully flip a cup on their first attempt, and those that did were immediately made Generals. The only game of Flip Cup where an entire team completed the game without shattering any clay jugs was met with wild celebration in the streets for a week, and every year there was a holiday celebrating this achievement. This holiday, “Erukushinta Shangwin” translates roughly to, “Holy-shit-you-guys-you-remember-when-those-guys-like-shit-they-flipped-ALL-the-cups-that-was-AWESOME Day.”
However, much like how the greatest intellects prefer Chess, and only dabble in Checkers, the champion drinkers chose what was referred to as the “Gentlemen’s Game,” Beer Pong. 10 cups of beer, arranged as a pyramid, would rest on each side of a slab of granite four feet tall and twenty feet long. Small rocks were thrown into these cups, with the opposing team required to drink the beer of their defeated cups. This game combined the nuanced muscle control of Flip Cup with complex strategy. Beer Pong additionally served as an effective way for women to determine which men were worth mating with, as the most accurate players were viewed to have the most accurate sperm, and thus be the most virile.
And then it was ON.
Beer Pong spawned some of the most intense rivalries of all time, as well as most of the world’s population. Amar-Sin the Bouncer was the first player to intentionally bounce the rock off the table and into the beer, while his opponents looked on, stunned. So impressive was this feat that the “bounce” was ruled to be worth two cups, and Amar-Sin received a harem of 43 wives. He often battled with Ekur the Bring-Backer, a man well known for his deadly accuracy and his ability to hit two cups in a row, affording him a “Bring Back” and a new set of turns. Roughly 1/3 of today’s population are descendants of either Ekur or Amar-Sin.
To properly celebrate the glorious American past time of Beer Pong, we at AFFotD are going to spend the next few days going over the origin, rules, and appropriate beers that help account for the fact that every time you win a game of beer pong, you become 5% more American, and anywhere from 3% to 10% more drunk. So stay tuned, and make sure to practice your bounce shots. If not for respect of the game, at least do it for America.