“I eat dingers for breakfast, and I steal bases to fall asleep.”
Baseball stars (well, American born ones, anyway) cover a broad array of proudly American personality types. There’s the overweight men who can throw a ball very fast and become millionaire professional athletes, the overweight men who can swing a stick very hard and become millionaire professional athletes, and others. But one player, while not the most widely known baseball player, is by far the most American.
That is Chicago Cubs perennial minor leaguer, Bobby Scales.
Bobby Leon Scales was born in Southfield, Michigan on October 4th, 1977. His first words were a stolen base, and his first step was a home run trot. His story is not admirable because of his natural, demi-God-like abilities, or his all-around American demeanor. Bobby Scales is admirable because he represents the hope and excitement in the heart of every American.
Bobby Scales gained infamy when he was brought up to the major leagues to join the tail end of the 2009 Chicago Cubs’ lineup not due to his prowess, abilities, or immediate six game hitting streak. After spending 10 years toiling in the minor leagues, Scales finally got a chance to play in the Big Leagues at the age of 31, playing 51 games and batting .242 in 2009, and playing an additional 10 games in 2010 with a .308 batting average in limited plate appearances. But the statistics don’t tell the story. Scales came up to a depleted Cubs team and briefly revitalized them, getting a single off of the reigning NL Cy Young Award Winner, Tim Lincecum, in his second at bat, and getting eight hits in his first eighteen at bats, including several two run doubles, and a home run, in that span. Making the story even more impressive is that Scales received a doctorate in health communications, and spends his time in the offseason as a substitute teacher in Georgia. Every student that he teaches immediately is able to run 20% faster, and those that need corrective eyeglasses no longer need them.
They still use prescription sunglasses, though. Those look cool.
Bobby Scales took his opportunity, and grabbed onto it for all it was worth, and he did so with a quiet dignity that belied his true American qualities. Bobby Scales was the first man to break the sound barrier with his fists, but he does not use it to decapitate enemies, he uses it to play baseball. In a lot of ways, he’s like Ghandi.
To learn more about Bobby Scales, all we need to do is take a glimpse at the internet. All of this information has been verified by his totally-real-and-certainly-not-written-by-an-AFFotD-staff-member facebook fan page.
Bobby Scales is so fast that Bobby Scales is the only scientific explanation for how Santa Claus can theoretically visit every house in the world in one night.
The Story: A young Bobby Scales, at the age of 8, was staying up one Christmas Eve to await the arrival of Santa Claus. When Santa came and went in a blink of an eye, an eager Scales chased after him, until he caught him in what many consider to be the most epic game of tag in history. Word about this spread (since this happened before the internet, we have no idea how other people heard about it. Carrier pigeons probably.) scientists tested Scales on a series of treadmills and old-timey-exercise machines, at which point they determined that a person of Scales’ speed and stamina would be able to deliver presents to every boy and girl in the world in one night, thus proving the possibility of Santa’s existance.
Bobby Scales puts on his pants, one leg at a time, just like you. The only difference is that Bobby Scales puts on his pants, one leg at a time, while he is in the process of stealing second base.
The Story: Bobby Scales learned how to hit baseballs at the age of two, after some Rookie of the Year type hijnx led to the toddler accidentally wandering into a batter’s box during a Detroit Tigers game, and immediately smashing a grand slam. Realizing his potential, a Mr. Miyagi type baseball sage watching on TV tracked the boy down, and began training him, Karate Kid (the original, not the Will Smith’s kid version) style. One of these methods was “wear the pants” where the long leg movements required to get the most speed out of his stolen bases were ingrained upon him through practicing putting up pants while walking. To this date, he remains the only player in the history of the MLB who can steal a base after being pantsed as a practical joke. We really were hoping to get a third movie reference in there, but we couldn’t think of anything, so, something something The Big Lebowski.
Bobby Scales celebrates the 4th of July like any red-blooded Bobby Scales would. By setting up an elaborate fireworks display that results in the words “Bobby Scales” appearing in massive, fiery letters across the sky. Bobby Scales has a flair for the dramatic.
The Story: Before Bobby Scales, fireworks never had a grand finale, ie, the best part of fireworks. This changed when, at the very moment of his birth, a series of fireworks went up in the air. No one questioned why there were fireworks, as the appropriate American reaction to seeing spontaneous fireworks is to either start shooting an unlicensed firearm in the air, to shout, “Hell yeah!”, or to immediately try to find a fireworks store so you can send yours up and get into a Deliverance-banjo-duel-like epic fireworks battle. In this instance, people began shouting, “There’s so many! It won’t stop, there’s not even a break between any of the fireworks!” It was immediately realized that this was the best thing to ever happen in the history of ever, and once news of Bobby Scales’ baseball abilities began to circulate (through…faxes? Did people talk through faxes back in the 1980s? Or was it just smoke signals and cocaine?) the residents of Southfield, Michigan realized that Scales was the reason for this revolution in fireworks, and as a result their fireworks display each year form a massive silhouette of Bobby Scales high-fiving Uncle Sam.
Bobby Scales has more hits than at bats. Mathematically impossible, you say? Bobby Scales eats paradoxes for breakfast.
The Story: When Bobby Scales was in the minor leagues, he at one point hit a home run off the scoreboard, a la The Natural, and in the three seconds it took for him to round the bases, the ball bounced off the scoreboard, and rebounded back to home plate. Scales quickly picked up his bat, smashed the ball off the scoreboard again, and rounded the bases. He did this twenty times, scored 20 runs, drove in 23 (the first one was a grand slam), and then taught Danny Glover a complicated secret handshake. Glover, who has long been a supporter of Bobby Scales, said, “I’m not too old for that shit!”, altering his famous quote from the Lethal Weapon film series, and then chugged a stein of beer. It was a pretty great day for America.
Unfortunately, Bobby Scales cannot fully appreciate the joys of alcohol. When Bobby Scales consumes alcohol, he does not get drunk. His liver simply converts it into full counts and bloop doubles.
When Bobby Scales gets drunk, the liquor bottle wakes up with a hangover. Bobby Scales wakes up by doing a thousand pushups and hitting 18 inside the park home runs.
The Story: Bobby Scales is unable to appreciate the gloriousness of alcohol, but fear not America. Bobby Scales still drinks like a fish, since his body treats whiskey the same way normal human’s bodies respond to adrenaline. The fact that Bobby Scales can never get alcohol to enter his bloodstream simply is a testament to the fact that Bobby Scales is such an advance form of American that his body converts alcohol into good deeds, instead of hangovers.
When Bobby Scales met Mark McGuire, Bobby Scales stared into his eyes for fifteen seconds and said, once, deeply, “I know.” Mark McGuire began weeping uncontrollably (seriously, like a little girl with sand in his eyes) and announced his steroid use to the public. Bobby Scales always gets the truth.
The Story: This pretty much sums it up. The FBI and CIA often use Bobby Scales as an interrogator. When Scales is traveling with a team, they simply say to the suspect, “We’re gonna bring Bobby Scales in to stare you down,” and they immediately break down sobbing and confess to all their misdeeds.
When Bobby Scales is brought in as a pinch hitter, he always goes one for one, with an RBI. Important facts not addressed in this box score: Bobby Scales will cure three children of kid cancer, will eat 63 hot dogs in five minutes, and will write the screenplay for a musical production based on the show “Starsky and Hutch” while in the dugout. The only reason Bobby Scales is ever on the bench is because he improves America in his spare time.
The Story: What more is there to say? Bobby Scales exists so that Americans can be reminded how proud they can be to be Americans. We’re going to go online and try to find a website that’ll sell us a game-worn Bobby Scales Cubs jersey. Wearing one basically makes you invincible. So, Bobby Scales, America salutes you, and our Chicago offices wanted us to tell you to keep on hitting those inside the park home runs.
Good on ya, Bobby Scales. Good on ya, America.