“…Ta da?”
~G.O.B. Bluth
As we discussed in yesterday’s fun fact prison breaks never fail to capture America’s imagination. Who among us can beat the odds and escape from that which was made to contain us?
It is with this concept in our hearts that we bring you…
AFFotD’s History of the Best American Prison Escapes Part 2
Posted in AFFotD Special Features
Tagged AFFotD's Greatest American Prison Breaks, Alcatraz, Allen West, America, Billy Hayes, Clarence Anglin, Deer Hunter, Dieter Dengler, Duane Martin, Frank Morris, Hash, Hashish, John Anglin, Michael Bay, Oliver Stone, Pris, Prison, Prison Break, Russian Roulette, Sean Connery, Slumdog Millionaire, The Rock, Turkey, Turkish Prison
“Houdini!”
~Ricky Bobby
America has always had a fascination with escapes. We make movies about escaping POW camps, our favorite game during Recess was Jail Break, and there was that one show on Fox that we only really watched for the first season, but apparently lasted for more seasons than Arrested Development. There’s something American about sticking it to some sort of foreign land or domestic legal system(though we tend to have an easier time rooting for it when there’s a “Innocent person in jail” angle, but whatever).
Remember this? No? Nothing?
It is with the intrepid “this bird cannot be caged” American mindset, then, that we present you with…
AFFotD’s History of the Best American Prison Escapes
…Though Prison isn’t ALL bad…
Posted in AFFotD Special Features
Tagged Academy Awards, AFFotD's Greatest American Prison Breaks, AFFotD’s History of the Best American Prison Escapes, America, Arrested Development, Boy School, Cellblock Tango, Civil War, Colonel Thomas E. Rose, Jail Breaks, John Dillinger, Johnny Depp, Libby Prison, Oscars, POW Camps, Prison, Prison Break, Rat Hell, Ricky Bobby, Shawshank Redemption, Steve McQueen, Texas 7, The Great Escape, The Libby Prison Escape
“Jigga wha?”
~Jesus
If you’ve ever read the constitution, there’s probably some section in there about how church and state need to do their own thing. We at AFFotD agree with that. Too much Jesus talk makes us feel sort of weird, but honestly there’s just one religion out there that really freaks us out. You know the one. The one that likes fire so much.
Yup. Zoroastrians are weird. We’re fine with all other religions though, but we’d rather not talk about them. Really, as long as you aren’t those goddamn Persian Zoroastrians, or the Westboro Baptist Church, we’re okay with you, but aren’t going to talk about you much.
But, while we choose not to get into religious discussions, we do appreciate it when religions try to convince people to go to their houses of worship, only to do so with hilariously accidental sexual innuendo.
Basically, this is just a veiled excuse to post funny church signs. So enjoy.
“Something something SHAKY CAMERA Woahhhhh.
~Jason Bourne
When you think about America’s secret, seedy underbelly, the people working behind the scenes to make the tough decisions you just aren’t ready to make dammit, what comes to mind? That’s right. Just three simple letters that speak for themselves
The C. I. A.
“Wait, you mean the Culinary Institute of America? I’d say you’re probably giving them too much credit, they really make that many behind the scenes decisiosn that we wouldn’t have the guts to make. Except for, maybe, their focus on microgastronomy.”
…Really? You’re shitting us right? No, not the fucking Culinary Institute of America, it’s the goddamn C.I.A.
“Oh, how silly of us, the Cleveland Institute of Art, right?”
Seriously?
“Well, that’s a C.I.A…”
Yeah? What would the Cleveland Institute of Art have apart from Lebron James “We Are Witness” posters?
“…fine, we were thinking of the Central Intelligence Agency.”
Goddamn right you were.
Congratulations, readers. Once you opened this page, you officially were placed on the government’s watch list. Do you feel proud of this achievement? Well, don’t get too ahead of yourself, most of that is because of the secretive, awesome abilities of the CIA and their assets.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged America, C.I.A., CIA, National Treasure, Nicolas Cage, Susan Burns
“Run it.”
~Johnny Roosevelt
There are times when we over-explain an image. And there are times where we don’t explain it enough. This is the latter.
Have a great weekend everybody.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
“Shhhhh…”
~Skidmore, Missouri
As we’ve been saying all week, vigilantism has been used both for good and evil throughout American History. We’ve of course been focusing on the positives, like actual superheroes and people messing with bigots, but now we’re delving into territory that some might disagree with. So, we will have a disclaimer- we are about to describe events that occurred in real life, and led to someone’s death. We do not condone this course of action, and urge all of you to behave responsibly and within the law when met with similar extreme circumstances. Wink.
Do not try this totally badass thing at home
So with that in mind we’re going to bring to you, in the final chapter of AFFotD’s When Vigilantism Goes Awesome…
Ken McElroy Died in a Way to Ensure He’d Be Forever Enshrined as a Douchebag
“This is like, the plot of that movie ‘Kick-Ass’ right?”
~You, the Reader
As stated previously, vigilantism is a ethically “ambiguous” and “can cause more harm than more good” and “blah blah bring me pictures of Peter Parker” we get it. We don’t want to quibble in semantics. That’s for the next fun fact regarding American vigilantism when someone was legit straight up murdered. But forget about that heavy shit, today, we’re going to continue AFFotD’s When Vigilantism Goes Awesome with…
Superheroes? More like Super…uh…That-sounds-fuckingAwesome…oes.
“Well, no that’s the BAD kind of vigilante justice. This is the GOOD kind of vigilante justice…”
~AFFotD’s PR director in response to comments today’s fun fact will receive
Okay, so we at AFFotD are obligated to say that this article, which we will tell you right off the bat is about great moments in American vigilantism history, is in no way an endorsement of vigilantism, and that laws and regulations are in place for a reason, and it is a slippery slope when you go outside the law to enact vengeance. We do not condone acts of vigilantism, and point out that the consequences are real, and many people have suffered unduly because of misguided vigilante zeal that we feel is irresponsible, and ultimately damaging to a society of law and order.
Wink.
This is what irresponsibility looks like. You wouldn’t want to look that cool, right?
Justice is an imperfect monster in society. Humanity has flaws, and those flaws sometimes lead to punishment being wrongfully meted out. And yes, there have been instances of Leo Frank sized injustices at the hands of a vigilante public, but a fair amount of death row inmates have been equally guilty and equally punished by the justice system. So we’re not here to quibble in the nuances and ethical complexities of vigilante justice. We’re just here to tell you about times when it gets fucking awesome.
Ha Haaaa!
Here is part one of AFFotD’s When Vigilantism Goes Awesome.
Posted in When Vigilantism Goes Awesome
Tagged AFFotd Presents When Vigilantism Goes Awesome, America, American Flags, Beatles, Boondock Saints, Fred Phelps, God Hates The Westboro Baptist church, Leo Frank, Matthew Shepard, Momento, Scott LoBaido, South Africa, The Who, Tommy, Vigilante, Vigilantism, WBC, Westboro Baptist Church
“Well, that’s a good question, an…wait…no…NO! What are they saying? WHAT ARE THEY SAYING?”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
The America Fun Fact of the Day staff likes to follow various printed media sources throughout the nation with the same grim fascination as British people watching David Blaine suspended over the Themes. We like to see if it’s going to die, or if it’ll just keep hanging around. For now, media is hanging around.
Though thankfully, newspapers are not making giant stone Abraham Lincolns.
We find one thing funnier than watching Newspapers struggle, and that’s watching newspapers ineptly try to adapt to the information age. Yeah, New York Times, we’re absolutely going to pay to go to your damn website. It’s not like the internet has already found a the surprisingly easy way to bypass the paywall already or anything. Face.
We bring all this up because, in our routine of going through newspaper’s facebook pages (which totally pale in comparison to the AFFotD facebook page which is absolutely up and running) we discovered a question posed by the RedEye, a free publication based out of Chicago. Their facebook paged asked the simple question: What would you do if you were given $100 and had to spend it in an hour.
Easy question, right? “Booze and scratch-off tickets” would be an acceptable answer. “Give me the hundred bucks first, and then I’ll let you know,” would be another one.
That didn’t get through to the 100 plus people who answered incorrectly (“oh it’s a rhetorical question though, AFFotD, you can’t have a wrong answer to a rhetorical question” oh yes you fucking can, dammit). And so, in a manner that we usually on reserve for Mike Adams or children, we’re here to tell dozens of Chicagoans how they would choose to spend 100 dollars is stupid. And just so we don’t have to put down the like, twenty people who said they would spend it on clothes, we’ll save you some time. No, clothes are not an acceptable way to spend the 100 dollars in this situation. Jesus.
And let’s start the list of hate.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged Abraham Lincoln, America, Bank account, Booze, Chicago, Chicago Redeye, Coyote, David Blaine, E-Coli, Facebook, Groupon, Ice Dreams, Johnny Roosevelt, Kiera Knightley, Mike Adams, Natalie Portman, New York Times, Newspapers, Newspapers are Obsolete, scratch-off tickets, Simpsons, South Park, Themes, What Would You do With 100 Dollars, Zachary Taylor
“Even when you start accepting Canadians, you won’t let ME in?”
~Joshua “Hey, remember Dawson’s Creek, eh?” Jackson
As we’ve seen previously, we at the AFFotD offices have a series of checks and tests to ensure that those working for us are properly American. And when our first American test was unable to detect the distinctive traces of maple syrup in Seth Rogan’s Canadian blood, we had to make an secondary “Are You American” quiz to root out the pretenders and, well, Canucks. And the combination of the two tests worked extremely well, as we were able to spot and turn away Hayden “Well, he was Darth Vader, but he also was the shitty one” Christensen, Ryan Gosling, and Ryan “We get him confused with Ryan Gosling more often than we’d like to admit” Reynolds. But then, we received a phone call that completely changed the hiring policies of the America Fun Fact of the Day in ways that still has the offices deeply divided.
Jason “Made sweet, grunty, outdoor love to Amy Smart in Crank” Statham called and asked if he could be an AFFotD foreign correspondent. We’re pretty sure that concept is an oxymoron, but then again we don’t know what oxymoron means (…someone too dumb to breath?), but it did lead to a series of lengthy meetings. And by meetings, we mean a 48 hour booze party. When we woke up, we had a series of voice mails from Angelina Jolie asking for us to stop calling or she’d file a restraining order, and Statham was in our offices to thank us for accepting his application. We don’t remember calling him, but apparently we did. An excerpt of the voice mail message he played for us is listed below.
“Heyyyyyy Transporter 2 guy! Hey, it’s the America Fun Fact…urp… of the Day offices here. Tittays! Wooo! Hahaha, dude dude stop it, I’m calling the bald dude from those Guy Ritchie movies. Hey, shhhhhh guys, I’m on the PHONE here, Christ. So, listen, like, you’re not American but you do kick ass, like, you know, Americans do, it’s how we doooooooooo. So you can’t be on the staff man, but you can be like, our British dude. Like, the resident British dude, or yeah, what you said, the four lane Coors despondent. Yeah. Yeah… I’m gonna, just, like, rest my eyes for a bit…”
Forty minutes of silence followed, but the evidence was clear. We had hired a foreign correspondent doohickey. And really, if anyone could have swayed us, it would have been Statham. We added Hugh Laurie to that category shortly thereafter because, dudes, Dr. House, seriously.
But in order to add the appropriate foreign correspondents, and make sure that, despite their “born in another damn country” handicaps, they still have enough American traits to at least keep us informed of the latest crazes in Deer Kickboxing, we needed to create a new, separate test. One that could determine the Americanness of an individual who was not technically American. It hurt our brains to think about it, but that might just be the hangover.
And here is the fruit of our labors, the “Are You American Enough To Be Called An Honorary American” Quiz. You can keep score at home. A– is worth 0 points, B- is worth 1 point, C- is worth 4 points, and D- is worth 5. Here we go again.
Posted in America Quizes
Tagged Africa, America, Amy Smart, Are You American Quiz, Australia, Booze, Canada, China, Chinese Double Agent, Cricket, Eastern Europe, England, France, Guy Ritchie, Hawaii, Hostel, Hugh Laurie, Ireland, Jason Stratham, Karl Marx, Mike Adams, Mike Adams is a Double Agent, Polo, Russia, Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, Seth Rogan, South America, The Health Ranger, The Transporter
America Fun Fact of the Day 