Wherein AFFotD Again Expresses Their Disapproval Of Fortune Magazine’s Erroneous Views Regarding America’s Greatness

Posted on September 25, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Fortune Magazine.  Fortune.  Fucking.  Magazine.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

 

Over the past two July Fourths, AFFotD has noticed that Fortune has posted lists of “100 Great Things About America.”  While we’re not initially going to question why a financial blog affiliate of CNN would want to tell us great things about America, when we saw the items they chose to point out, and the rankings given to them, our staff collectively got what is colloquially referred to as a “Rage Boner.”

This year’s list was no different.  While there were more implied references to, say, boobs, there were also…ugh, nature.  And science.  It makes us, just, so angry you guys.  So once again, it’s time to tear into the so-called “American experts” at Fortune, who should really stop embarrassing themselves and just outsource the article to us every year.

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Should Americans Mix Caffeine And Alcohol?

Posted on September 18, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Oh man I’m so wasted!  Oh man, my heart hurts!”

~Americans doing it RIGHT

America loves alcohol, but many find that, as they get older, it’s strangely more difficult to stay awake all day while pounding vodka until the pain goes away.  That’s why we often try to find inventive ways to keep on partying.  In the 80’s, it was Cocaine.  In the 90’s, it was heroin, which of course led to a record number of liver failures because surprisingly, junkies don’t understand how heroin or alcohol work.  In the 70’s, it was probably that one poster where you could see Farrah Fawcett’s tit.  But in the 00’s and 10’s, alcohol and caffeine has been America’s upper of choice.  Anyone who has ever been to a bar where the DJ makes drink specials announcement while sounding like he works at a strip club has been exposed to various drinks involving Red Bull, and probably has ordered said drink when they started to feel themselves fading.

Of course, medical experts tend to point out that mixing energy drinks with alcohol is dangerous, and could even be potentially life-threatening.  While the government might stop Four Loko from caffeinating up their drinks, they can’t stop Americans from pouring five ounces of a Monster energy drink down the drain to top it off with vodka, so it’s time for us to bring back our Point/Counter-point series as we address…

Should Americans Mix Caffeine And Alcohol?

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Goddamn it, Japan, You’re Doing It Wrong: Japanese Doritos

Posted on September 5, 2012 | 19 comments

“What…what is…happening?”

~An American Stoner in Japan

Japan is terrifying.  We’ve said this before, but it bears repeating. Japan is terrifying.  Japan is like that one friend you have that goes out of his way to say things that will gross everyone out, only that friend is really good at it, and he does a lot of stuff with poop.  We’ll admit that Japan admires American culture, in the sense that they see our products like Pepsi and Kit Kats and decide to just get weird with them.

AFFotD has made it a point to keep you, the public, informed of such terrifying food antics by the nation of Japan, which is why we’re here to continue our look inside Japanese junk food with…

Goddamn it, Japan, You’re Doing It Wrong:  Japanese Doritos

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The World’s Most Expensive Pizzas

Posted on August 29, 2012 | 7 comments

“Pizza pizza, go in my tummy, me so hungie, me so hungie.”

 ~The Worst

While America can’t lay claim to the invention of pizza, we certainly eat it better than anyone else.  Pizza has become an integral dietary requirement of drunks and stoners alike, and even if Pizza Hut gets a little weird with it overseas, it is a simple yet effective grease-delivery advice.  At its core, pizza is just bread, cheese, sauce, and whatever topping you want to choose in order to start arguments with the coworkers who are also stuck working late with you.

Of course, people say the same thing about hamburgers, and look what rich people have done to that.  That’s right, America, it’s time to take out your monocles, practice your best “Character from Monopoly” accent, and try to contain your natural inclinations to begin a class war, as we present you with…

The World’s Most Expensive Pizzas

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Posted in Pizza Pizza, Strange Foods

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Wherein AFFotD Attempts a Civil Examination of GQ Magazine’s Assertions of America’s Greatness

Posted on August 23, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Well, let’s just see where this goes…”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

AFFotD loves America, which is why our coverage of all things American have been so well received.  We’ve won the Pulitzer or some shit like that, but we’ve always stayed true to our roots, and that is being your go-to source for all things that are great about America.  And like the half-blind Seabiscuit jockey kept telling us in that Spiderman movie, with great power comes great responsibility.

It’s with that intrepid spirit that we make a point to check what other so-called reputable publications say about America.  While these often bring us to the precipice of homicidal rage, we try to keep an open mind while educating Americans what really matters about their country.

That’s why, when GQ decided to write an article called “50 Things America Does Better Than Anyone Anywhere Else” we were cautiously optimistic, if for no other reason than the fact that we approved of their questionable grammatical syntax.  So we figured we’d give this list the benefit of the doubt, and run through it blind, only interjecting when we strongly agree or disagree with GQ’s assertions of the particular item’s “Americanness.”

So here goes nothing.  Civility is the name of the game.

Wherein AFFotD Attempts a Civil Examination of GQ Magazine’s Assertions of America’s Greatness

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The Six Most Badass Bear Attack Survival Stories

Posted on August 21, 2012 | 5 comments

“Fuuuuuuuu….”

~You, meeting a bear

We’re not gonna front, bears are menacing as shit.  They’re giant balls of muscle, teeth, and claws, and while they’re thankfully fairly allergic to bullets and C. Dale Petersens, they’ve been known to wreck American’s shit for as long as there have been people who like to spend time in the woods.  According to the bible, all animals have no souls and therefore cannot go to heaven.  Bears are the only creatures in the animal kingdom that have ever heard and understood this concept, and they view it as a free pass to be as bloodthirstily murderous as possible.  Most bears spent their formative years familiarizing themselves with the concept of negative numbers just so they could properly express how few shits they give when it comes to messing you up.

While many of us will go our whole lives never seeing a bear that hasn’t been stuffed and mounted with the words “fuck you, bear” shaved into its chest, we still know enough to hate, fear, and begrudgingly respect the one animal that can inspire grown men to do this.   That’s why, whenever we hear of ordinary Americans doing the tango de la muerta against these homicidal beasts, we have no choice but to react with a strong sense of admiration (and perspiration).  So, needless to say, these following Americans can safely claim that they are more fearless than anyone reading this.

The Six Most Badass Bear Attack Survival Stories

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America’s Fried Foods: Part 6

Posted on August 16, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Okay, okay, cool it with the fried foods, my…my chest, my chest hurts, it really hurts…”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

We’ve made it a habit to go out of our way to tell you about fried foods that most people would consider “impossible” or “an abomination” or “as a professional cardiologist, I think it is criminally irresponsible for you to be consuming this much fried food.”  That’s because as soon as we tell you about a new, insane fried food (fried beer, anyone?) some glorious American decides to fry something even more insane (like, say, a frozen margarita).

This is called capitalism (also obesity) and it is the reason why this country is great.  It’s with that spirit in mind that we present to you even more American glory, with…

America’s Fried Foods:  Part 6

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America’s Heroes Battling Monsters

Posted on August 14, 2012 | 1 comment

“I need to buy all of these.  Every.  Single.  One.”

~You

Art is okay, we guess.  It’s one of the classiest ways to see boobs, and if you have a friend that’s deciding to not make money by painting shit for a living, you at least can go to their gallery openings for an evening of free wine and sub-par cheese spreads.  And there are plenty of Americans who have added very iconic and significant contributions to the artistic and pop culture world, like that one guy who designed the label for Campbell’s soup.

But if there are kinds of art that we don’t particularly care for (looking at you, 25 foot black canvas with a single silver dot on it), there’s one that we can never get enough of.  And that would be images of American presidents and historical figures doing badass things in impossible contexts.  We’ve shown some of these images on our site before, but now it’s time we give proper due, thanks to the gentle prodding from Bro Bible, to American digital artist Jason Heuser.  Because any man that can depict Ben Franklin with Wolverine claws fighting Zeus deserves our money.

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Posted in Jackson, Lincoln, Roosevelt, The Other Guys, Washington

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AFFotD’s Guide To Going To Baseball Games

Posted on August 8, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Take me out to the…oh God, I’m so drunk right now…”

~Harry Caray

 

Baseball is an American pastime that is surprisingly similar to our love of cool-whip based salads—other nations might not understand why we love it so much, but that just serves to remind us why we’re the best nation in the world and every other nation is a bunch of defense-budget-ignoring pansies.  Yes, baseball is a uniquely American sport that somehow still maintains its popularity despite taking three-to-four hours to play a game in an era where attention spans are so short they oh look spaghetti!

Still, Americans love baseball, and have followed it from its booze-and-coke filled beginnings, throughout its amphetamines-binging phase in the 70s and 80s, and all the way through its current steroids-and-oh-yeah-still-sometimes–coke-incarnation.  And why the fascination with a sport where every player spends the majority of the game in a stationary position?  Well, it helps that going to a ballgame is the most American activity one can skip work for.

It is with that intrepid American spirit that we gather our resources (get drunk and watch a baseball game) to give you the appropriate guide with all you’d need to know about going to a baseball game.  Because summer will be over soon, and we don’t want to hear you bitching about how you wish you had gone outside more.

AFFotD’s Guide To Going To Baseball Games

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AFFotD Summer Olympics Viewing Guide

Posted on August 2, 2012 | Leave a comment

“J-I-N-G-O and Jingo was his name-o!”

~Olympics!

Every two years, Americans gather around their television sets to root for a bunch of sports that are either stupid but fun (Winter) or largely stupid (Summer) with the single goal of flipping the bird to every other country while saying, “We’re better than you in every possible way.”  The Olympics are beautiful, and the closest we can come to Manifest Destiny without the ACLU being all up on our asses.  It also helps remind us why China is a terrifying force who we have to defeat, lest they get cocky and we find ourselves in a Red Dawn situation.

As the Summer Olympics come and pass, and everyone spends two weeks pretending to care about gymnastics, running, and swimming, we are here to give you a handy guide of what American sports you should enjoy during the Olympics, and which sports you should avoid at all costs.

AFFotD’s Official Summer Olympics Guide

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Posted in China, England, France, Miscellaneous America, The Rest of Them

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