Six Random Facts About Beer You Did Not Know

“*sip* ahhhh, that’s the stuff”

~American

If we told you that we liked beer, you’d slap us for being redundant.  Also because we’re drunk and we made a pass at your girlfriend.  Chill, dude, chill.  But while most Americans know all the important details about beer (it’s made with hops, it tastes delicious, if you have enough of them your fists are immune to walls) beer’s long and storied history is such that no one could possibly know all the quirky ins and outs behind the fairest of alcoholic brews.

So in honor of beer, and also did we mention we’re drunk, we’re here to list off…

Six Random Facts About Beer You Did Not Know

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America’s Most Terrifying Patents (Submitted By Psychopaths)

“What is this I don’t even… is that a dead body?”

~American Patent Office Worker

We here at AFFotD have often paused to step back and applaud the lunacy of those inventive Americans who come up with products no one needs and submits them for patents.  And while many of these products never will see the light of day, at their best they show America’s intrepid creativity, and at their worst remind us that Jigsaw probably took the time to submit most of his torture devices for official patents.

Today we’re going to focus on that latter group.

While patents tend to range from “useful” to “absurd” there is a subset that falls into the “terrifying” category.  Primarily because these devices were clearly invented by serial killers who had to really stretch to find a non-murder use for their products.  But their illustrations speak for themselves, unlike their poor victims who are currently fruitlessly shouting at the soundproofed walls of these inventor’s kill rooms.

Hold onto your hats, America, shit’s about to get dark.

America’s Most Terrifying Patents (Submitted By Psychopaths)

 

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Answers To American Questions Posed By Google Auto-complete

“Wow, do yourself a favor and don’t try to Google anything that starts with ‘tranv.’  Don’t ask how I know this, just do it.”

~AFFotD Staffers

Contrary to popular belief, if you Google the word “Google” your computer will not catch fire and release all the captured souls that are used to boost processing speeds (we’re pretty sure that’s how computers work).  However, if you Google Google, you won’t find their Wikipedia entry in the first page of results.  True story.  Google as a search engine was founded in 1998, and since then it has spawned into a multi-billion dollar enterprise that is responsible for your email, search needs, and that one social media platform you forgot you once signed up for.

Of course, one of the ways that Google helps keep the pulse of this fine nation is that they tend to track what terms are most often searched, so that if you start typing a question or a search topic, it will give you some helpful suggestions as to what you think you might be looking for.

But you don’t need Google to answer your questions.  We got you, America, we got you.  With that, we introduce to your our latest segment…

Answers To American Questions Posed By Google Auto-complete

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In Defense Of Roger Goodell And The NFL’s Replacement Referees

“Derp de derp I don’t know what pants are.”

~NFL Replacement Referees

America is founded on the tradition of people getting to be on TV for being worse at life than everyone.  It is with that intrepid spirit that the National Football League decided that their current crop of referees were doing too much “officiating” and “ensuring that games don’t break down into melees involving dozens of giant men” for their liking, and they hired the various descendants of Mr. Magoo to help fill in.  While the NFL is still negotiating vigorously to reach a compromise on a reasonable price, they’ve still been unable to procure the rights to Yakety Sax so we’ve not yet gotten to see the replacement referees the way Roger Goodell intended.

But as an organization that has made a name for themselves through their tireless commitment to the art of going to work drunk, we here at AFFotD are here to offer our full support to these trailblazers of ineptitude.  Because no matter how bad they are at their jobs, Blockbuster managers had to go somewhere after they drove their business into the ground, right?  And no matter how culpable Roger Goodell might appear in all of this, if America was founded on the belief that evil, egotistical, megalomaniacal men shouldn’t hold positions of power, there’d be a lot fewer Chinese corpses buried along our railroad lines.  And with that, we offer you…

In Defense Of Roger Goodell And The NFL’s Replacement Referees
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Wherein AFFotD Again Expresses Their Disapproval Of Fortune Magazine’s Erroneous Views Regarding America’s Greatness

“Fortune Magazine.  Fortune.  Fucking.  Magazine.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

 

Over the past two July Fourths, AFFotD has noticed that Fortune has posted lists of “100 Great Things About America.”  While we’re not initially going to question why a financial blog affiliate of CNN would want to tell us great things about America, when we saw the items they chose to point out, and the rankings given to them, our staff collectively got what is colloquially referred to as a “Rage Boner.”

This year’s list was no different.  While there were more implied references to, say, boobs, there were also…ugh, nature.  And science.  It makes us, just, so angry you guys.  So once again, it’s time to tear into the so-called “American experts” at Fortune, who should really stop embarrassing themselves and just outsource the article to us every year.

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Should Americans Mix Caffeine And Alcohol?

“Oh man I’m so wasted!  Oh man, my heart hurts!”

~Americans doing it RIGHT

America loves alcohol, but many find that, as they get older, it’s strangely more difficult to stay awake all day while pounding vodka until the pain goes away.  That’s why we often try to find inventive ways to keep on partying.  In the 80’s, it was Cocaine.  In the 90’s, it was heroin, which of course led to a record number of liver failures because surprisingly, junkies don’t understand how heroin or alcohol work.  In the 70’s, it was probably that one poster where you could see Farrah Fawcett’s tit.  But in the 00’s and 10’s, alcohol and caffeine has been America’s upper of choice.  Anyone who has ever been to a bar where the DJ makes drink specials announcement while sounding like he works at a strip club has been exposed to various drinks involving Red Bull, and probably has ordered said drink when they started to feel themselves fading.

Of course, medical experts tend to point out that mixing energy drinks with alcohol is dangerous, and could even be potentially life-threatening.  While the government might stop Four Loko from caffeinating up their drinks, they can’t stop Americans from pouring five ounces of a Monster energy drink down the drain to top it off with vodka, so it’s time for us to bring back our Point/Counter-point series as we address…

Should Americans Mix Caffeine And Alcohol?

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Goddamn it, Japan, You’re Doing It Wrong: Japanese Doritos

“What…what is…happening?”

~An American Stoner in Japan

Japan is terrifying.  We’ve said this before, but it bears repeating. Japan is terrifying.  Japan is like that one friend you have that goes out of his way to say things that will gross everyone out, only that friend is really good at it, and he does a lot of stuff with poop.  We’ll admit that Japan admires American culture, in the sense that they see our products like Pepsi and Kit Kats and decide to just get weird with them.

AFFotD has made it a point to keep you, the public, informed of such terrifying food antics by the nation of Japan, which is why we’re here to continue our look inside Japanese junk food with…

Goddamn it, Japan, You’re Doing It Wrong:  Japanese Doritos

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The World’s Most Expensive Pizzas

“Pizza pizza, go in my tummy, me so hungie, me so hungie.”

 ~The Worst

While America can’t lay claim to the invention of pizza, we certainly eat it better than anyone else.  Pizza has become an integral dietary requirement of drunks and stoners alike, and even if Pizza Hut gets a little weird with it overseas, it is a simple yet effective grease-delivery advice.  At its core, pizza is just bread, cheese, sauce, and whatever topping you want to choose in order to start arguments with the coworkers who are also stuck working late with you.

Of course, people say the same thing about hamburgers, and look what rich people have done to that.  That’s right, America, it’s time to take out your monocles, practice your best “Character from Monopoly” accent, and try to contain your natural inclinations to begin a class war, as we present you with…

The World’s Most Expensive Pizzas

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Wherein AFFotD Attempts a Civil Examination of GQ Magazine’s Assertions of America’s Greatness

“Well, let’s just see where this goes…”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

AFFotD loves America, which is why our coverage of all things American have been so well received.  We’ve won the Pulitzer or some shit like that, but we’ve always stayed true to our roots, and that is being your go-to source for all things that are great about America.  And like the half-blind Seabiscuit jockey kept telling us in that Spiderman movie, with great power comes great responsibility.

It’s with that intrepid spirit that we make a point to check what other so-called reputable publications say about America.  While these often bring us to the precipice of homicidal rage, we try to keep an open mind while educating Americans what really matters about their country.

That’s why, when GQ decided to write an article called “50 Things America Does Better Than Anyone Anywhere Else” we were cautiously optimistic, if for no other reason than the fact that we approved of their questionable grammatical syntax.  So we figured we’d give this list the benefit of the doubt, and run through it blind, only interjecting when we strongly agree or disagree with GQ’s assertions of the particular item’s “Americanness.”

So here goes nothing.  Civility is the name of the game.

Wherein AFFotD Attempts a Civil Examination of GQ Magazine’s Assertions of America’s Greatness

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The Six Most Badass Bear Attack Survival Stories

“Fuuuuuuuu….”

~You, meeting a bear

We’re not gonna front, bears are menacing as shit.  They’re giant balls of muscle, teeth, and claws, and while they’re thankfully fairly allergic to bullets and C. Dale Petersens, they’ve been known to wreck American’s shit for as long as there have been people who like to spend time in the woods.  According to the bible, all animals have no souls and therefore cannot go to heaven.  Bears are the only creatures in the animal kingdom that have ever heard and understood this concept, and they view it as a free pass to be as bloodthirstily murderous as possible.  Most bears spent their formative years familiarizing themselves with the concept of negative numbers just so they could properly express how few shits they give when it comes to messing you up.

While many of us will go our whole lives never seeing a bear that hasn’t been stuffed and mounted with the words “fuck you, bear” shaved into its chest, we still know enough to hate, fear, and begrudgingly respect the one animal that can inspire grown men to do this.   That’s why, whenever we hear of ordinary Americans doing the tango de la muerta against these homicidal beasts, we have no choice but to react with a strong sense of admiration (and perspiration).  So, needless to say, these following Americans can safely claim that they are more fearless than anyone reading this.

The Six Most Badass Bear Attack Survival Stories

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