~You, meeting a bear
We’re not gonna front, bears are menacing as shit. They’re giant balls of muscle, teeth, and claws, and while they’re thankfully fairly allergic to bullets and C. Dale Petersens, they’ve been known to wreck American’s shit for as long as there have been people who like to spend time in the woods. According to the bible, all animals have no souls and therefore cannot go to heaven. Bears are the only creatures in the animal kingdom that have ever heard and understood this concept, and they view it as a free pass to be as bloodthirstily murderous as possible. Most bears spent their formative years familiarizing themselves with the concept of negative numbers just so they could properly express how few shits they give when it comes to messing you up.
While many of us will go our whole lives never seeing a bear that hasn’t been stuffed and mounted with the words “fuck you, bear” shaved into its chest, we still know enough to hate, fear, and begrudgingly respect the one animal that can inspire grown men to do this. That’s why, whenever we hear of ordinary Americans doing the tango de la muerta against these homicidal beasts, we have no choice but to react with a strong sense of admiration (and perspiration). So, needless to say, these following Americans can safely claim that they are more fearless than anyone reading this.
The Six Most Badass Bear Attack Survival Stories