Category Archives: America’s Culinary Treats

Did you know that the average American woman weighs 163 pounds, while the average American man weighs 190? It’s true. What does that tell us? Clearly some of you are holding us back, you skinny bastards. That’s why we at AFFotD present you with this list of foods which are delicious, American, and amazingly unhealthy. If we all work together, we can bring the average weight of an American above the Mendoza line! Get to reading, get to eating.

The American History of Mayonnaise

Posted on December 15, 2011 | 1 comment

“I make my own mayonnaise.  I do this either because I am pretentiously gourmet, or because I am technically too fat to fit out my door and run to the grocery store.  You decide.”

~It’s the second one

Imagine a swimming pool filled with Mayonnaise.  No, seriously, picture it.  You can’t get it out of your head now, can you?  And be honest with us- you’ve never once thought about that.   You’ve never wondered to yourself, “I wonder what it would look like if you filled a swimming pool with Mayonnaise.”  And now you can’t stop thinking about it.  That is our gift to you.

Yes Mayo is an integral part of America’s culinary tradition.  While it shockingly was not invented in America, it clearly was invented ahead of its time, since it’s a product clearly meant for America.  Come on, it’s 85% fat, and has 700 calories for every 100 grams of it.  Holy hell, that’s glorious.  So we’re going to only touch on the European-y origins of this thing, and focus on…

The American History of Mayonnaise

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Diners: American Drunk Food Delivery System

Posted on December 13, 2011 | 1 comment

“Where everyone knows your name.”

~That’s from Cheers, asshole

Quiz time, America.  It’s two in the morning, and you’re drunk…

“Tuesday!?”

No, stop…don’t interrupt us, we’re not asking what day it is or…

“If it’s two in the morning, and I’m drunk, it’s probably a Tuesday.  Or one of the other days that end in ‘Day.’”

…No, we know, that’s why you read AFFotD, but you have to let us finish…

“Is it right now?  Because I’m drunk right now.”

We sort of figured.  No, no, we were trying to say, hypothetically…

“I don’t know anything about math.”

You’re thinking of the word hypotenuse.  Try to focus.  You’re drunk, it’s a Tuesday, and you need to eat some greasy…

“Diner!  I’ll go to a diner!”

…Actually yes.  That’s what we’re here to talk about.

Diners:  American Drunk Food Delivery System

 

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Holy Mother of Cow, It’s the World’s Largest Hamburger!

Posted on December 6, 2011 | 6 comments

“Weighing in at over 300 pounds, this 3 foot tall hunk of meat….”

~A Porn actress’s nightmare

It should come as no surprise to you that we at the America Fun Fact of the Day have a pretty well-established love of Hamburgers.  We also love needless excess.  Show us the person who would say that we’re “wasting our time” making and selling the world’s largest gummy bear and we’ll show you a sad individual whose dream of making and selling the world’s largest gummy bear was likely dashed by diabetes.

America loves unhealthy things, and we love lots of unhealthy things far more.  When someone tells us something has 540,000 calories, our response is generally, “I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat yourself, I just climaxed.”

But, to quote the guy from Queens who thought we just insulted him in that last sentence, “I got your 540,000 calories riiiiight here.”  And he does.  Or at least we do.  And by “we” we mean to say “Detroit”.  In the form of…

Holy Mother of Cow, It’s the World’s Largest Hamburger!

Pictured, from left to right:  Ingredient, Ingredient, Hamburger, Psychopath chef

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AFFotD News Item of the Month: PIZZA IS A VEGETABLE!!!!!!

Posted on November 21, 2011 | 1 comment

“Ketchup is a VEGETABLE.”

~Jeff Winger

“Eat your vegetables.”  As an American child, you no doubt had that phrase condescendingly said to you just moments before everything turned red and when you woke up the man in the police uniform was asking all those pointed questions about where the school’s nutrition councilor has gone.  If your parents ever tried to make you eat Brussels sprouts, you’re legally allowed to emancipate yourself.  The point we’re trying to make is that we as a country hate vegetables- there’s a reason why no self-respecting American would ever eat a salad unless the word “Taco” was involved somehow.

Yes, it should come as no surprise that we at AFFotD, who employ “fuck nature” as a mantra and constantly express our love of fried foods and liquor, are not particularly fond of vegetables.  And why should we be?  If you think about  it, vegetables are horrendously disgusting.  Vegetables come from the ground, which means that we’re eating something that basically spent a large portion of its existence living in dirt.  That’s gross.  Dirt is where worms fuck.  Would you want to eat something that grew out of Dennis Rodman’s sex swing?  We didn’t think so.

Our hatred of vegetables is deeply rooted.  We’d also like to think it’s deeply American.  And thankfully, some lawmakers agree with us on that front.  Why else would they attempt to classify pizza as a vegetable?

…Hold on a second…sorry…we… we promised we wouldn’t cry.  We’re just so happy.  So proud.  Here’s your fun fact.

AFFotD News Item of the Month:  PIZZA IS A VEGETABLE!!!!!!

 

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AFFotD’s News Item of the Month: America’s Meat Vending Machine

Posted on November 18, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Oh great, we’re giving the machines fucking knives now?”

~John Connor

As Americans, we’re better than most people at just about everything, though Japan has us edged out in the “being weird” categories.  For the longest time, Japan took their “being weird” expertise and used them to perfect the art of the Vending Machine.  While Americans use vending machines for their fatty snacks, sugary drinks, and cancery-y cigarettes, Japan took one look at the concept and thought to themselves, “panties.”

And since vending machines with soiled panties isn’t quite Japanese enough, they decided to add vending machines that sell lobsters, eggs, porn and, fuck it, cars.  Japan overreacted to us coming up with the idea of vending machines like we overreacted to Pearl Harbor by using Little Boy.

But, in our own small way, we may have finally caught up to the Japanese in the vending machine field.  You could even say we’ve outdone them.  It’s all part of this month’s…

AFFotD’s News Item of the Month:  America’s Meat Vending Machine

 

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Cranberries Can Getchya Drunk

Posted on November 16, 2011 | 1 comment

“This truly is an admirable little berry, tart in complexion, and sure to be an easy way to get the ladies smashed if you mix it with vodka.”

~Sir Walter Raleigh

 

A week from Thursday, all of us will take a well earned break to drink, watch football and/or cook, and gain a solid 10 pounds of turkey weight before falling into a food coma that will go unrivaled until next year.  That’s right, Thanksgiving is upon us, a day when we as Americans reflect about all the things we are thankful about.  The top of the list generally is “Being Amrrrican”, and that’s because you’re proud, and you should be.  We as a nation devour billions of pounds of turkey each year, and Thanksgiving is one of the reasons why we’ve inbred those flightless birds to the point where they peak at the mental capacity of a lima bean.

But, as much as Turkey is championed as the staple of American Thanksgiving deliciousness (and it will be getting its own fact of the day at some point, fear not loyal readers), there is one seemingly insignificant little berry that has enough America per square inch that when you squeeze it, it leaks out 1/3 of the colors of the American flag.  It can be mixed with your booze, and it can be served gelatinously from a can, and no matter what, it is delicious, and it is American.

We of course are referring to the cranberry.

Seen here markedly improving very shitty liquor.

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MREs Will Outlast Anything in Your Kitchen

Posted on November 14, 2011 | 3 comments

“Magic, science, magic, science, tomato paste.”

~Military scientists


America loves to eat what their heroes eat.  What’s the point of living in a Capitalistic society if you can’t buy the food that astronauts eat?  And while you can’t go out and purchase a “Firefighter’s Dinner” you can purchase a bottle of American Honey and drink it in your office’s broom closet at ten in the morning.  Which is why it is surprising that, of the various ways we can force our children to emulate our most American professions, you have to go on ebay if you want to buy our soldiers’ Field Rations.

Yes, MREs (Meal, Ready-to-Eat) have been around since 1981, and while some 99% of our population will never get to try them, we’ve spent more time and money perfecting these culinary taunting of the laws of physics than we did trying to make a pen that can write in space.

We normally would find these practically indestructible edibles pretty American on their own right, but it wasn’t until reading this article describing the Army’s efforts to create caffeinated beef jerky that we decided to have MREs jump the queue and get their own, personal Fun Fact.

MREs Will Outlast Anything in Your Kitchen

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Wendy’s Presents America Fun Fact of the Day 11/9- The NASCAR Bacakonator

Posted on November 9, 2011 | 2 comments

“Yes, we want you to write about the baconator.  We’re tired of you using our money to talk about other people’s food.  No tricks.”

~Wendy’s Executives


You’ve no doubt noticed that every once and a while, when we’re particularly strapped for cash after having to pay one too many “destroying the nests of an endangered species of bird” fines, we turn to our “sponsor,” Wendy’s.  Normally we’ve found occasion to talk about crazy foods we’ve just discovered while feeling a little part of us die every time we are forced at gunpoint to write something like, “Wendy’s!  It’s food so good, you won’t believe it!  Just like none of you should believe the suicide note if we turn up in a ravine!”

The last few times we’ve written about food have not been particularly…well received by our, uh, handlers.  As in, we’ve had our Fun Facts hijacked a handful of times.  As in, we used to have a lot more pets around the office before the Wendy’s executives figured out how to get past our security system.  Pour one on the curb for Sparky.

That’s why, for today’s post, Wendy’s decided it was “too risky” to let us pick what to write about, so they just straight up told us, “Write about a Baconator.”

“Bacakonator?” we mumbled while sipping on a glass of whiskey.

“Yeah, like we said, write about the Baconator.”

…We haven’t much time until they figure out what we’ve done.  Come with us if you want to hear about the bacon funnel cake.

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Ranch Dressing Goes on EVERYTHING

Posted on October 24, 2011 | 4 comments

“So, why am I eating this salad if I’m ‘technically can’ chug this stuff by itself?”

~That’s actually a really good question, Jimmy


You’re a typical American.  You weigh over 200 pounds, get winded when you go up a flight of stairs, and you’re probably sitting on a coach watching TV debating the physical attractiveness of the professional models that they hired for that Miller Lite commercial.  It’s entirely possible that you just dropped a can of beer and have spent the last five minutes straining yourself trying to reach down and grab it.  Don’t give up!  If you don’t drink that soon you won’t be able to crumble the can and hide it in the potted plant before your spouse gets home.  Yes this is a gender-neutral assessment of you, the typical American AFFotD reader.

“We’re flattered, AFFotD, now get to the point…dammit beer, GET IN MY HAND,” you might say at this point.

Fair enough, enterprising American.  One of the most paradoxical statistics in America is the sheer amount of lettuce and pre-packaged salads that are sold in this nation every year.  We’re talking four billion pounds of lettuce a year.  Using simple math, that means that each American individually, on average, eats somewhere between one ounce and four billion pounds of lettuce a year.  Four billion pounds of lettuce.  That’s four one billions.  And that’s terrible.

Thankfully, one of the most American inventions helps account for a vast majority of salad consumption in America, turning terrifying “wholesome” vegetables into something palpable and, hopefully, unhealthy.

Your friend reading this over your shoulder no doubt is shouting, “Oh, I know!  Salad dressing!  They’re talking about salad dressing!  I like putting a vinaigrette on my salads because it tastes good and it’s low calorie!”  Hey, you.  Yes you, the friend that just said that.  Go stand in the corner and hang your head in shame.  No, you’re on time out for the rest of this article.  Do you think we’re kidding?  We’ll wait.

Still waiting…

Okay good.  Anyway, obviously the answer is Ranch Dressing.  Right?  We mean…obviously.

Ranch Dressing:  A Delicious American Salad Treat

 

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Marshmallows: American Magic Sugar Balls

Posted on October 19, 2011 | 5 comments

“If it weren’t for these fluffy fuckers, we’d be bankrupt within a week.”

~Cereal executives


What do you get when you combine gelatin, sugar, water and corn syrup?  No, not diabetes.  Well…

But no, the answer we are going for is one of the most American dessert/decoration/camping/breakfast/anything candied foods available.  That’s right, we’re talking about the ever Vegan-Unfriendly Marshmallow.  Marshmallows are a staple candy in American cuisine, seen everywhere from breakfast cereals to candy treats made out of breakfast cereals.  And before you can accuse us of overstating both the importance of Marshmallows, as well as their American-ness, consider their role in the creation of S’Mores.  Imagine the S’More- the classic American camping treat of two graham crackers and two pieces of chocolate held together with a melted, gooey Marshmallow, without that most key ingredient.  Without the shape-forming delicious Marshmallow, a S’More would just be two delicious but uncontained pieces of candy, chaffing against the rough texture of the graham cracker, unable to be held up in a comfortable, shapely way that helps ease future back problems.  On a totally unrelated point here’s a picture of Marshmallows being strung together to make a bra.

So without further glances at the above image (even our female readers are a little curious, right?  You’re thinking “that looks uncomfortable…but also kind of comfortable…”) let us go into the surprisingly rich history of…

Marshmallows:  American Magic Sugar Balls

 

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