Monthly Archives: July 2011

America’s Homemade Hunters

Posted on July 21, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Eh…too easy.”

~American Hunters


As purveyors of American doses of Americanism, we like to have our finger on the pulse of the acceptably badass American occupations.  When alcohol was being flavored like cupcakes, we were there.  When Pizza hut started cramming bacon and sausage inside of their crusts, we were there.  And that’s why we’re here to tell you that we have encountered a small pocket of Americans who enjoy hunting, except for anything that has ever been invented to make hunting easier.

That’s right.  These are people who like to hunt wild boar and other animals using homemade bows, arrows, and spears.  Because WOOOOOOO, that’s why.

“My point be obsidian/ my beats ain’t opinion/ grizzled beard cause delirium/ fuck up boars and all of ‘em.”

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The Motherfucking Robocop

Posted on July 20, 2011 | 3 comments

“Freeze, chumps.”

~Um, just the motherfucking Robocop


Many classic characters have been created for art and film.  There’s Hamlet, Sherlock Holmes, that one dude in The Wire that wasn’t Omar but had the bow tie, all of these characters are memorable parts of our culture’s collective memory.

Come to think of it, Omar might be a slightly more memorable character.

So given this absolutely complete list of popular characters of film, stage, and (ugh) literature, what do they have in common?  Passion?  Eloquence?  An enviable fashion sense?  Well, none of them hold a candle to the figure of today’s AFFotD, who is of course…

The Motherfucking Robocop.

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Wendy’s Presents America Fun Fact of the Day 7/19- Gummy Bear Bratwurst

Posted on July 19, 2011 | 8 comments

“I need this inside of me.”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

 

AFFotD tries to stay on the forefront of the unhealthy cuisine community.  That is to say, we drink a lot, and after about that sixth beer you start getting the drunk hungers, and Burger King hamburgers get really boring after a while (This post is sponsored in part by Wendy’s.   With six sides to choose from with each of our twelve value meals, you’ll never get tired of it!  Look out for their new slogan.  Wendy’s: So many choices, but you know you’re going to get the spicy chicken sandwich with a small side of the chili.)  So when we hear about a new food out there that is ridiculous, and hopefully completely unhealthy, we unfasten our ethanol IVs and brave the DTs to seek them out.

That’s how we happened to stumble (and shake because, oh the shakes, oh God the shakes) upon a little Brat store in Hugo, Minnesota who reluctantly decided to give a massive middle finger to cuisine common sense, and made something so amazing that you’re not legally allowed to cook it sober.

That’s right those of you with good eyesight and a willingness to squint to read what the package says in the photo above.  Gummy.  Bear.  Brats.  Bratwurst made with gummy bears.  It might sound too good to be true, but that’s just because a life of harsh reality has all but destroyed your capacity for carefree imagination, because this shit is as real as your probation officer.

It is to Bratwurst what the Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich was to Chicken Sandwiches:  A total game changer!

That’s right America, we are here (with the financial backing of Wendy’s, home of the best French Fries fast food has to offer!) to tell you the story of a little shop that could.  Clog arteries.  With meat and candy.  Remember in the 1990’s when that only-okay song, Sex and Candy, came out?  God that decade was a mess.  But yeah, you guys!  Meat and candy!  Together!  Sponsored by Wendy’s!  We really needed the money!

Wendy’s!  Their executives are gentle kissers and don’t mind if you’re crying during! Continue reading →

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[REDACTED] Live-Blogs the WWC Championship Between USA and Japan

Posted on July 18, 2011 | Leave a comment

“I’m not even surprised at this point.  Just sad.”

~[REDACTED]

The Women’s World Cup is the biggest thing to happen to Soccer’s popularity in America since the Men’s World Cup last year that you had totally forgotten about until we just mentioned it here.  And as a result, we’ve been using it as a good opportunity to tranquilize the coffee of our investigative journalist, [REDACTED], and force him to live-blog some soccer games.  He doesn’t know anything about soccer (because, you know, America) and as much as he likes rooting for America and rooting against countries who we have fought against in wars (looking at you, Japan), he still really hates this whole gig.

And we like making sure he knows his damn place, so he was at hand to blog about the Women’s World Cup Championship match between America and Japan.  By the time he came to in the utility closet we stuck him in, we heard a lot of loud wailing, which was replaced by some whimpering and keyboard taps about five minutes into the game.  We printed up the following, taped it to a brick, and chucked it through Johnny Roosevelt’s window, so without further adieu, here is [REDACTED]‘s liquor-fueled description of the game.

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America Fun Fact of the Day 7/17- July 17th in American History

Posted on July 17, 2011 | Leave a comment

“…Well, post something, so long as no one gets mad.”

~Johnny Roosevelt

Last weekend we raised a few eyebrows by posting two images of the week.  “Wait, you’re not even going to tell me what we are posting?” was asked.  A lot.  Yes, two images of the week, it’s quite awful.  We’ll at least try to help you with a “Today in history” post.

Um…. There’s not much that has gone on, sadly.  In 1962 there was a nuclear bomb testing?  That’s…that’s pretty cool.  And there was the great train wreck of 1856 in…well 1856.  Lots of people died there.  That’s…less good.  Shit there’s…is that really it?  The Harvard Dental School opened in 1867, which was the first Dental School in America, which explains why we have better teeth than the Brits but…um…shit…

Wow…

We hate to do this but…

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America Fun Fact of the day 7/16- Saturday Image of the Week

Posted on July 16, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Let’s find a picture like Jaws, only…you know, crocodiles.  Wait, you can do that?”

~AFFotD Editor-in Chief Johnny Roosevelt

The Saturday Image of the Week is something our readers have learned to appreciate and cherish.  But sometimes, we just want to scare the shit out of you.  So here we go, America.  This is how big Crocodiles can get.  Fuck nature.

Have a good weekend everyone.

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Paul Bergrin Was The Lawyer On The Wire

Posted on July 15, 2011 | Leave a comment

“I’m so glad I mandated that the whole staff had to watch the complete series of The Wire.”

~Tom Selleck, AFFotD TV Critic


Illustrations by Jesse Lenz because dayumnnnn

Lawyers, especially defense attorneys, tend to get a bad rap.  In a scientific study of five random people outside our offices, 60% of America’s population believe that there are more lawyer jokes than Hellen Keller, dead baby, and Polish jokes combined.  The rest of America is evenly split between “Can I get some money for some booze” and “Aren’t you those assholes that keep making ungodly noises from the building all night long?”

What’s wrong with that?  This is the way we unwind a the end of a long day.

But really, is that fair?  It’s not like we have defense attorneys in, say, Jersey just running around, supervising prostitution rings and arranging for witness’s murders or anything…ohhhhhh.

Yeah Paul Bergrin was basically the lawyer in the wire.

…Huh

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[REDACTED] Live-Blogs The WWC USA vs. France Semifinal Match

Posted on July 14, 2011 | 3 comments

“…Holy shit, this thing is popular now?  Oh no…you’re…not again…”

~[REDACTED]


When we had our notorious undercover journalist, [REDACTED], do a play-by-play commentary of the U.S. Women’s World Cup match against North Korea, we were doing it to fuck with him.  Call us sadistic bastards (God knows [REDACTED] does) but we wanted to see him squirm.  North Korea’s women looked like men.  Our women, though American and thus blessed with both outer and inner beauty, were forced to play a sport that we’re pretty sure was invented by amputees.  An average AFFotD staffer’s response to watching a soccer match is to shout, “JUST PICK IT UP WITH YOUR DAMN HANDS IT’D BE SUCH A COMPETITIVE ADVANTAGE!”  We know so little about soccer that the first time someone in the office used the word “Pelé” we honestly thought they were saying in very rudimentary terms that they wanted to pay for sex.

…Get it?  Pay lay?  See that’s the problem, we know so little about soccer that Dane Cook could conceivably write a better informed soccer joke.  Maybe.  Well, not Dane Cook, but you get the idea.

“Ha, so, like, I was having SEXUAL INTERCOURSE with a FAIR MAIDEN and something something RED CARD!”  Seriously though, remember 2007 when Dane Cook was a movie actor?  Yeah we blocked that from our memories too.+

Of course, our mockery of the Women’s World Cup totally changed this past Sunday when America decided to wow the shit out of everyone with an engaging, dramatic, and stressful shoot out victory against Brazil.  We learned a few things.  First of all, America is going to give a shit about soccer for the next week or so.  Secondly, the Women’s team is gloriously American, right down to the player who sang “Born in the USA” into a stadium microphone after scoring a goal.  And additionally, and this is important everyone, Hope Solo is incredibly attractive.  Hot athletes are a game changer.  And Hope Solo is a glorious beacon of America.

And with that, America breathes a contented sigh.

America’s ADD-riddled minds have been captivated by this spunky collection of beautiful yet powerful athletes, and goofy but endearing role players.  Women that will settle for nothing less than victory for America.  So, we locked [REDACTED] back in the TV closet to give us a running commentary on yesterday’s World Cup Semifinal match between Hope Solo and Friends Team USA and… THE FRENCH.  Goddamn French!

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Another Look Into America’s Craziest Fried Foods

Posted on July 13, 2011 | 7 comments

“MOAR.”

~John Goodman

Several months ago, AFFotD risks arterial integrity to inform you, the hopefully soon-to-be-morbidly-obese American, about the glory that is unhealthy, generally Deep-Fried Carnival food.  And while this list did help cover the basics, such as telling you about hamburgers with Deep-Fried doughnuts instead of buns, as well as creating a few butter fetishists out there, we feel that our list was missing a few key Deep-Fried components.

Yes that is a Deep-Fried shoe.

As summer makes a point to cover Americans in a fine sheen of sweat, Americans make it their duty to ensure that this sweat will be at least 75% grease.  AFFotD can feel your pain, as all too often do Americans accidentally mistake baby carrots for Cheetos and consume their yearly allotment of vegetables (read as:  One vegetable is too much).  And for every time you’ve been tricked into drinking fruit and vegetable juice by the evil V8 corporation, we at AFFotD make it our duty to make sure you can balance that shit out with food items so unhealthy that heart attacks don’t even eat them, saying, “Woah there, that’s a bit too rich for my tastes.”

To which a true American of course would respond, “OM NOM NOM, belch” to the following foods.

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Wherein AFFotD Declares A Blog War Against A Pandemic Foe, Who Doth Dare Assert That America Is Doomed

Posted on July 12, 2011 | 6 comments

“Boys, get out your phallus thesaurus, we got ourselves a good old-fashioned blog fight!”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt


America Fun Fact of the Day prides itself as being an apolitical entity.  Sure, we’ll rip on Jimmy Carter, but really, who gives a shit about Jimmy Carter?  We also rip on Richard Nixon because we’re pretty sure he tried to coax us into the back of a van with candy one time.  We don’t talk about George Bush other than to point out that, surprisingly, Dick Cheney was not one of America’s ugliest vice-presidents, and we don’t talk about Barack Obama other than to point out that motherfucker is brewing beer and that’s kind of awesome.  But when actual politics come into the fold, we like to sit on the sideline.  Honestly, if you belong to a particular political party, we don’t really care unless you threaten to take away our booze or say shit against America.  Oh, and we have issues with PETA, but they don’t count.

Seriously, how can a protest campaign ONLY center around naked women and mutilated animals?  How does that make sense?

So when it comes to strong political ideals, we don’t really get the point.  The only difference between a tax cut and a tax hike is a bottle of whiskey and a drunken competitive game of skee ball.  We feel the need to point out that we have no liberal agenda, and no conservative agenda, and we go so far out of our way to avoid taking sides on hot topic issues that we won’t even make jokes about abortions, since both sides react to those by throwing eggs at us, and we hate having to clean our fucking walls.

Why are we going out of the way to point out how politically neutral we are?  Because we’re going to direct our editorial, American venom towards a left-wing blog.  “Oh, AFFotD, that’s not cool, why would you pick on a Liberal blog?  There are insane Conservative blogs all over, saying all sorts of inflammatory shit.”  We know, dear reader, we understand your trepidation.  But you should know what this blog is called.

That’s right.

America Doomed.

Aww HELL no!  We’re ready to go all Mike Adams on your headass.  The gloves are off.  This is America we’re talking about, we need to defend it from eunuchs like this.

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