Tag Archives: Beer

America’s 10 Most Alcoholic Beers

Posted on April 17, 2013 | 26 comments

“Beer, motor fuel, semantics.”

~American Brewers

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For years, media sources have been discussing how “Macro” beers such as Budweiser, Coors, and piss Miller have lost ground to the niche market of craft breweries (which the macro breweries buy for themselves).

There has been a lot of speculation as to the reason for this—microbrews tend to use better ingredients to make creative, delicious, flavorful beers that blow their much more watered down counterparts out of the water.  They are a new, thriving addition to an alcohol producing landscape that until the mid 2010s was remarkably stagnant.  Hell, microbrews even offer a wide variety of complex beer styles that can be paired with any meal, as opposed to Bud Light, which is only paired with Solo Cups and roofies.

Yes, all of those can explain the surge of craft beers, but if we had to guess, the main reason behind their success rests with the fact that we’re all American, and craft beers just tend to get you drunk faster.  You can doll it up all you want, but most Americans would rather spend a few more bucks on a tasty beer as opposed to a domestic brew that’s got half the alcohol.  That’s just simple economics.

So in order to celebrate America’s contributions to getting you drunk while drinking as little liquid as possible, we at AFFotD are here to present you with…

America’s 10 Most Alcoholic Beers

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The Largest Bottles Of Alcohol In The World

Posted on March 21, 2013 | 2 comments

“But, I can still drink it all at once, right?”

~Giant booze bottle owners

giant carlsburg

In America, there are two phrases we’re quite fond of.  “Bigger is better” and, “I’m so wasted right now.”  So it’s only natural that we should combine those two forces with alcohol containers that are so large they require a team of engineers to figure out an effective way to actually drink out of it.

While we’ve all had our lonely nights huddled in the dark corners of our studio apartments suckling on a handle of Jim Beam, only the truly great among us have thought, “What if I could sell three liters of booze at a time?  How about a full gallon?  What about a million boozes!?”

Those people are mere rank amateurs compared to the following alcohol distributors.  Sit back and enjoy as we show you…

The Largest Bottles Of Alcohol In The World

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 6 of 10)

Posted on February 7, 2013 | 3 comments

“I’m from here *points to arbitrary point on hand*”

~Every Michigan resident

america states of america

PART SIX

At this point, you likely are familiar with the setup here.  The American States of America takes each and every state, one by one, and tells you their most American quality.  Some states are great at drinking.  Some are great at inventing fatty foods.  We’re pretty sure one of them leads the nation in motorcycle-riding-obese-Dwarfs per capita.  We don’t know what state that is, but we want to go there right the fuck now.  But until then, we’ll just focus on the things that make the following American states so damn American.

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Six Random Facts About Beer You Did Not Know

Posted on October 24, 2012 | 2 comments

“*sip* ahhhh, that’s the stuff”

~American

If we told you that we liked beer, you’d slap us for being redundant.  Also because we’re drunk and we made a pass at your girlfriend.  Chill, dude, chill.  But while most Americans know all the important details about beer (it’s made with hops, it tastes delicious, if you have enough of them your fists are immune to walls) beer’s long and storied history is such that no one could possibly know all the quirky ins and outs behind the fairest of alcoholic brews.

So in honor of beer, and also did we mention we’re drunk, we’re here to list off…

Six Random Facts About Beer You Did Not Know

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Five Drunks Who Miraculously Survived Life-Threatening Events (Because They Were Drunk)

Posted on June 7, 2012 | Leave a comment

“I AM A GOD!”

~You, when drinking

While we talk about alcohol consumption in such a manner that some of you have started to suspect that we are part of an alien species that is waged in a generations long war with human livers, there are occasionally benefits of massive, dangerous consumption of the fairest poison.  Mainly, there have been numerous instances where some brave, boozy fool has been in a situation where lesser, more sober men would perish, only to be saved by a combination of luck and alcohol-aided relaxed muscles.  They might not all be from America, but due to a loophole in the Constitution, as soon as they survived a fatal event because of how drunk they were, they automatically received US Citizenship.

Listen, we’re not saying that you should drink obscene amounts of liquor and then see what happens when you jump off the roof of your house.  Oh wait, no that’s exactly what we’re saying.  But, legally, we shouldn’t be saying that.  We’re just saying that, if you did that, we’d totally write about you, and say all sorts of complimentary things about you.  Don’t you like it when people say complimentary things about you?  Of course you do.  Of course you do.

So put your beersafety goggles on, and get ready to salute…

Five Drunks Who Miraculously Survived Life-Threatening Events (Because They Were Drunk)

 

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Schlitz: America’s Beer

Posted on May 22, 2012 | 2 comments

“Schlitz, it’s what’s for dinner!”

~Probably?

We in America like our beer like we like our women—delicious, full bodied, and able to give you very embarrassing erections when you think about them in public places.  While the increasingly American trend is to appreciate American micro-brews that are richer tasting and able to get you drunker faster, we really embrace all beers that don’t pretend to be American while being owned by goddamn South Africans or Brazilians.  Listen, sometimes you want a beer that’ll get you drunk, and get the job done cheap.  An American beer that fosters good old fashioned Midwestern alcoholism while never straying from its American origins.

That beer sounds rather delicious, doesn’t it?  Well, it sort of is.  Kind of.  Depending on how many beers you are into the night.  But no matter what, when you drink it, your lips will taste of watered down hoppy America.

That beer, of course, is Schlitz.

If you are looking at this picture, and were born after the year of 1965, there is a 75% chance that this man is your biological father.

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WHAT THE HELL!? America’s Top 10 Selling Beers (Are Awful)

Posted on February 21, 2012 | 25 comments

“Eh, just put some rice water in it and say it enhances the flavor.”

~Budweiser

 

Beer is a lot like sex.  When it’s good, it’s really good.  And when it’s bad, you’re probably going to wake up the next day feeling empty, unsatisfied, and with an inexplicable headache.  But no matter how good or bad it is, America just keeps coming back for more.  And if this metaphor were to really hold its own weight, we’d have to hope that Americans in general prefer good beer, then.  Because who wants bad beer?  Date rapists?  The French?  Spuds McKenzie?

Nope, turns out fucking everyone prefers drinking shitty beer.  How else can you explain this blog post that lists the 10 top selling beers in America?  These beers are collectively so bad and un-American that we almost didn’t spot the egregious omission of Samuel Adams from the list.  We’re not saying Sam Adams is the best beer in America, far from it, but if you have an ambitious brewery that’s named after Sam fucking Adams, and it’s not in the top 10 of market share, someone fucked up (we’re looking at you, majority of beer drinkers).

Of course, when we at AFFotD feel the need to correct such misconceptions about the America’s fine assortment of fermented malts and hops, we do so with the calm, delicate prose that sets aside emotional responses, and instead delves into the topic with tact and understanding.  That’s why we present you…

WHAT THE HELL!?  America’s Top 10 Selling Beers (Are Awful)

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AFFotD’s Guide To American Super Bowl Parties

Posted on February 3, 2012 | 1 comment

“Goddamn it, no, we’re not putting the Puppy Bowl on the other television, stop asking.”

~American Super Bowl Party Hosts

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Over the years, the Super Bowl has gone from a half-assed sporting event where shit like “a team has to re-do their kickoff because the cameras missed it” happened to national event of such great importance that not even an appearance by the Black Eyed Peas can stop people from tuning in.  The Super Bowl is an American holiday, Monday hangovers be damned.

Yes, the Super Bowl is like New Year’s Eve’s older, cooler brother that smokes cloves out in the high school parking lot.  New Year’s Eve carries impossible expectations, expensive drink specials, and a surprising lack of giant men concussing each other.  The Super Bowl takes all the best parts of New Years (booze, shitload of parties), throws in a lot more unhealthy food (can we get a what what for 7-layered bean dip?), and centers it around a football game that is so brilliantly produced that even people who hate sports will come to your party to “watch commercials” (which is code word for “get drunk and get hit on by your roommate’s friends”).

Now, because this day is so important in setting the tone for the month of February, and the year as a whole, it is your personal duty as the American with the largest HD TV among your friends to host a viewing party so grand that it would cause a Frenchman to shame-spiral into watching Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette on repeat while sobbing into a bottle of anti-freeze.  And that’s where we are here to help, by presenting you with…

America Fun Fact of the Day’s Guide to American Super Bowl Parties

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WORLD WAR BEER: America’s Response To The Watering-Down of English Beers

Posted on January 25, 2012 | 1 comment

“Begun, the beer wars have.”

~Uh, we don’t know.  Yoda?

“America loves beer!” is something our writers shout every day, often while confronting concerned family members reading letters at the urgings of a strangely persistent psychologist.  “America needs beer!” they often add afterwards as their mother starts slowly sobbing into a handkerchief.  “Don’t judge me okay, goddamn it, I’m not the reason dad left!” they inevitably end up saying, but that’s a personal matter we’d rather not get into.

Yes, beer saves us from overrated things like “sobriety” or “the crippling weight of reality” and America needs none of those things.  That’s why the average American drinks almost 21 gallons of beer each year.  That means America as a whole consumes more beer in a year than they do milk.  And milk doesn’t exactly have an age limit tacked onto it.

The truth of the matter is, despite how much Americans love their beer (which ranks just above “puppies” and just below “nothing”) we have to allow ourselves to realize that we live in a global society, and other countries brew and even drink their own beer too.  Even North Korea has beer.  Granted it’s just basically fermented gravel with some stray barleys thrown in there, and the bitterness of the hops is replaced by a generally uncomfortably forced Nationalism, but the point still stands- we’re not alone in this beer drinking world.

“Eh, still better than Natty Lite.”

But while the whole world may agree on the deliciousness of beer, there are still some points of contention.  And that is why we at America Fun Fact of the Day are going to be the first combatants in the great World War of Beer, because it’s time to set things straight.  When we hear article after article discussion European beers lowering their alcohol content, we know it’s time to stand up for the rights of Americans and high-gravity beer drinkers everywhere.

That’s right, folks.  Fill up your five gallon kettles with some water, steep some hatred in there, bring it to a boil, and add that hoppy bitterness because we are here to declare…

WORLD WAR BEER:  America’s Response To The Watering-Down of English Beers

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AFFotD News Item of the Month: Beer…IN SPACE!

Posted on January 5, 2012 | 2 comments

“We’ll let you do the leg work, Australia. But then we’re totally stealing your idea.”

~America

Every American child had a series of obsessions growing up.  For children born in the 80’s, it started off with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  But once that began to fade away, American children focus their interests on Dinosaurs before finally settling on the most badass, expansive area of the Universe which America purchased from the Galaxy Indians for a crate of Legos.

That’s right, outer space is the final frontier, and one of the most impressive things that America has learned how to side-saddle.  But despite our rich history of kicking space’s ass and  shoving it down Russia’s throat, we’ve never managed to drink a beer in space.

Until now.

And while it’s an Australian company, not America, that is developing a beer to drink on a flight to space in 2013, we know it’s just a matter of time before America grabs onto this idea.  Also, you know that Americans are going to be the main ones taking advantage of it.  And since we like to be trendsetters, you know we’ve started saving up our $95,000 to take advantage of this opportunity as soon as we can.  But until then, we humbly present…

AFFotD News Item of the Month: Beer…IN SPACE!

 

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