“What did he do? WHAT DID HE DO!?”
~Johnny Roosevelt
You know the deal. Saturday image of the week.
Come up with the context on your own. We…We got nothing.
We got a secret to tell.
“No more rhymes, now, I mean it.”
“Anyone want a peanut?”
“GAH!”
~Seriously you guys, how good was The Princess Bride?
We at the AFFotD offices often have to swallow quite a modicum of our pride when we’re encountered by foreigners who accomplish American deeds. After all, you don’t have to be a born American to become a governor of one of the nation’s most populous states. Or to knock up the help. So that’s why, when we were watching The Princess Bride in our weekly “watching a chick flick that is actually totally acceptable to watch” night, we figured it was time that we gave proper deference to a Frenchmananoghieipghepwaighpae.
Sorry, the temp we had typing that spontaneously combusted- we have our keyboard wired to set fire whenever something positive is said about people from that…F country. But yes, we’re here to salute Andre the Giant, who did enough amazing American things in American, that we posthumously have declared him an American. Because we’re running out of interns to explode, and we want to take credit for him. So from now on, his birth will be described in “Georgia” instead of “Grenoble, France.” Because you have no idea how much Andre the Giant could drink.
Posted in Athletes, Drinkers, France
Tagged Alcohol, America, Andre the Giant, Andre the Giant has a Posse, Hulk Hogan, Killer Khan, Obama, Princess Bride, Wrestling
“Fr33 V1agrA l0w p4armas21cal pr1c3s!s!!!!!!!”
~The Internet
America is a well oiled machine fueled by skepticism. When we see a homeless person aggressively panhandling on the street we assume, rightly or wrongly, that the person does not deserve our hard earned money, since they’ll just spend that money on drugs. Besides, we’re in a rush and that quart of vodka is not going to buy itself, now is it?
We Americans are a cautious people, many of us so jaded that you can try for a lifetime and never earn our trust. This is part of what makes America great, and it’s directly responsible for our world power. When the 1930s came around, did we “let bygones be bygones” and start trusting Germany, or attempt to ally with Germany? Hell no, we thought, “wait, this looks familiar…hmm…” Well, except for, like, Walt Disney and Henry Ford.
How do we keep our healthy level of wary suspicion going so strong? What enables us to write our children out of our will because we’re like 75% sure that they sided with their mother during the divorce proceedings? Where do we find the strength and courage to speed past a car with a flat tire during a rainstorm because of that one time where we heard someone getting murdered like that?
Spam, that’s how. Every day, our inboxes are flooded with hollow, empty promises, and the constant inundation of these penile enlargement offers or attractive girls who like to take off their clothes if you click this suspicious looking link. Though we suppose if you trained yourself to think that pop-up windows were boobs, your computer would then be like, just so many boobs you guys. Spam is named after the Spam Monty Python skit, which while not technically American, is still actually pretty damn cool. Surprisingly, America is not the leading source of spam messages- with an estimated 6.6 trillion spam emails originating in the U.S., we trail Brazil’s 7.7 trillion spam messages, which ranks right up there with the fact that the first Heisman Trophy winner played at University of Chicago as one of the all time, “holy hell, I did not expect that to be the case” random factoids.
“More like Machu…PEE-chew. Yeah. Shut up, it’s funny.”
~Hiram Bingham III
Whats the most American academic pursuit? When that question was posed to our AFFotD staff, we had a bevy of responses. “Business and greed!” Michael Douglass offered. “Law, like in my current film, The Lincoln Lawyer,” Matthew McConaughey said before we kicked him out of the offices and asked security what the hell he was doing there. “Titties!” Johnny Knoxville shouted before stapling a dollar bill to his forehead while we all laughed and nodded approvingly.
The actual answer to this question came as a shock to many. “Anthropology,” resident helicopter pilot/alien hunter Harrison Ford said from the back of the room. We all looked back at him, and there’s a distinctive mumble. “What the hell is that?” someone asks. “Gayyyyy,” the guy whose job is to say “gayyy” after everything he doesn’t agree with said (we hired him back in 1998… it was a…well, a different time back then). At that point, Ford took out his hat and whip, and we all went, “ohhhhh, the Indiana Jones profession. Yeah, good answer, good answer.” Like it was fucking Family Feud.
It was at this point that we took out a book on a man who was a real life Indiana Jones, or at least the Anthropologist who discovered the shit out of a mysteriously dead civilization. We won’t even hold it against him that he was born in Hawaii. That man was Hiram Bingham III.
“Livin’ in Amerrrrrrrrricaaaaaaa.”
~James Brown
America and alcohol go together like America and alcohol- they’re such ideal companions there’s no feasible way to make a better analogy about it. But there are times when mixing alcohol with American inventions do not turn out so well. Bourbon and cars? Despite our brazen, occasionally maligned statements regarding drunk driving (“At least the drunk driving teens who died on the way to prom were cool enough to go to prom, probably because they were good at drinking” seems particularly damning in retrospect), we will admit that it’s usually not a good combination. Whiskey and airplanes? Okay, to be fair, we’ve just finished re-watching the plane crash scene of “Cast Away” so we don’t want to think about drunken airplane flying.
Despite how glamorous Die Hard 2 made it seem
But drunken broadcasting? Someone getting wasted, and then going live on television or radio? That is goddamn American. That’s literally the celebrity version of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. “You got drunk and high on my television show.” “You got your television show on my drunk and high.” “Holy shit best idea ever.”
“It truly was a chugging for the ages.”
That is why AFFotD is here to proudly present the most American moments of wasted broadcasting in American history. But first, we need to line up some shots.
Or we can just chug some Everclear.
Ahhhhh yeah. Yeah feel the burn.
Okay. *cough*. Okay. Let’s…uh, let’s get started.
Posted in Drunk People
Tagged Airplanes, Alcohol, America, American Idol, Anna Nicole Smith, Ashley Simpson, Ben Affleck, Celebrities, Conan, Die Hard, Drunk Celebs, Dukes of Harzards, Everclear, Fallout Boy, Gigli, Jackass, James Brown, Jennifer Garner, Jessica Simpson, Joe Nameth, Johnny Depp, Johnny Knoxville, Paula Abdul, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Sydney Bristow, Tracey Morgan, Whiskey
“This is the BEST SHIRT EVER.”
~Some dude at a Trailer Park
Each area of American society can be recognized by their clothing of choice. Business professionals enjoy the luxury of a tailored suit. Short order cooks and pottery experts like smocks (probably). Hipsters wear whatever the fuck will make you say, “Look at that fucking hipster.” But there is one shirt that gives certain (cough, trailer park) demographics American superpowers.
Any T-shirt involving wolves. Really, they’re all good, you can take your pick.
Posted in Big Face Animal Shirts
Tagged America, Howling Wolves, Indiana Jones, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, KFC Chicken, Shirt, T-Shirt, Wolf, Wolves
June has arrived, and all around America people are celebrating the return of mosquitoes and sunburn. Which is why, around this time, things start to get a little…strange. That’s why we are here to celebrate the other strange things that have occurred in previous June 5ths of the past, in…
The American History of June 5th (in America)
“Uh…guys, it’s a picture of a blackbird riding a bald eagle. Do we really need to say anything else? Honestly? Have a good weekend everyone”
~Today’s AFFotD
Uh…guys, it’s a picture of a blackbird riding a bald eagle. Do we really need to say anything else? Honestly? Have a good weekend everyone.
“This is the best cocaine ever, I am a fucking BEAST!”
~Spicer Breeden
America has a complex relationship with tragedy. Everyone likes The Shawshank Redemption, but on it’s opening weekend more people went to see The Little Rascals and The Mask. We know Shakespeare’s greatest plays were tragedies, but we don’t give a shit because, come on, plays? We laugh when we see a full grown man get smashed in the groin with a baseball bat, but get pissed off when our lame friend gets all worried and asks, “Is he gonna be able to have kids again?” Tragedy makes us uncomfortable, especially in instances where we see two American flames flicker and extinguish. We love to highlight all that is American, but we prefer to shield ourselves from the tragedy of Americans.
That is, unless a mountain of cocaine is involved, and then we’re all about that shit.
Fair warning, this article will be like 80% cocaine jokes and 20% glossing over the tragedy of a hit and run death
Posted in The Best of the Rest
Tagged America, Aspen, Aspen Colrado, Boettcher, Charles Boettcher, Cocaine, COCAINE COCAINE COCAINE!, Greg Lopez, Mountain of Cocaine, Peter Schmitz, Prussia, Shakespeare, Spicer Breeden, Sydney Stone, The Little Rascals, The Mask, The Shawshank Redemption, Time Magazine, Wyoming
“I demand to see men force foods down their stomach at dizzying speeds.”
~Marlon Brando (you know, after he sorta started ballooning up)
America has a fascination with overeating. Each day, we hear phrases that invoke our gastronomical upbringings, like “Put your money where your mouth is” “Stuff ‘em like a turkey” or “That sex was almost as good as eating a crate of pudding cups. Almost.”
Yes, Americans love to eat. Maybe it’s because our most fattening foods happen to be the cheapest and most delicious. Maybe it’s because humans evolved with food scarcity, and fat storage was once a sign of survival, which became conflated as a sign of affluence in impoverished nations where obesity is considered an outward indicator of success. Or maybe it’s shut the fuck up and eat, this is America dammit, SUEEEE-WEEEEEEE, SUEEEE-WEEEEEEEE.
So we at the America Fun Fact of the Day have grabbed our bibs, and our glasses of water for dunking, and are here to salute those proud Americans who make a living as Professional Competitive Eaters.
Haha, it says Shaggy Rodgers and Scooby Doo at the bottom. Well done, internet vigilantes.
Posted in America's Best Foods
Tagged America, Badlands, Carson Daley, Competitive Eating, Eater X, Eric "Badlands" Booker, hot dogs, Jason "Crazy Legs" Conti, Jaws, Joey Chestnut, Marlon Brando, Nathan's Hot Dogs, Rich "The Locust" LeFevre, Ryan Theriot, Scooby Doo, Shaggy Rodgers, Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas, The Black Widow, The Oregon Trail, Tim Janus
America Fun Fact of the Day 