“Yeah, that’s something I would say.”
~Ernest Hemingway
It’s Saturday, so it’s time for another Image of the Week. This one is particularly glorious, if we do say so ourselves.
“Of course you wish you were me. My name is fucking Slim Pickens.”
~Fucking Slim Pickens
Badass American professions tend to look appropriately badass. Firefighter outfits are the envy of every five year old on the block, cops get to wear uniforms that make them 30% more attractive, and people in the Army don’t have to wear those stupid berets anymore. Superheroes get super costumes, and porn stars wear nothing, usually you can get a good idea of what line of work someone is in by what they wear. However, every once in a while, incredibly American professions are given somewhat demeaning appearances, and the sheer degree of don’t-give-a-fuck emanated by these professionals only goes to prove their American values.
When thinking of the most American, badass profession that requires the most demeaning, confusing costumes, there is only one group of people who fit the bill.
That’s right. We’re talking about Rodeo Clowns.
Seen here giggling and skipping away from the Grim Reaper (in bull form)
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged America, Bart Simpson, Clowns, Dane Cook Sucks, Flint Rasmussen, Rodeo, Rodeo Clowns, Slim Pickens
“Four ass kickings and seven names taken ago… I’m trying to say I beat the shit out of people.”
~Abraham Lincoln
Many AFFotD readers have seen posts about legendary Americans such as Ulysses S. Grant, Teddy Roosevelt, and Teddy Roosevelt (“Oh hey, you guys made a mistake…you said Teddy Roosevelt twice.” No we didn’t make any mistake, fuck you) and have likely thought that a few true American heroes were missing from the list. Sometimes it’s because we’re lazy and we just read something about flavored vodka, but in other instances these figures can be to seminal to the American experience that summing up their accomplishments into a series of alcohol related dick jokes can be a daunting task. Such is the case of the mutant American badass, and one of the most influential American ugly person president…Abraham Lincoln.
Yeah he did that too.
Posted in Lincoln
Tagged Abraham Lincoln, America, Emancipation Proclamation, Gary Oldman, James Shields, Kentucky, Lincoln, Milk Sickness, Teddy Roosevelt, Ulysses S. Grant
“*Unintelligible rage gargle*”
~Steven Seagal
America knows how to do vengeance pretty well. Sure, England burned down our White House, but we helped shut down their longest running newspaper. Yeah, Japan sneak attacked us at Pearl Harbor, but…you know…boom. Once we figured out how much of a scam Columbia Record Club was, we ran those bastards out of business. The point is, America loves getting even almost as much as it loves fatty food, and lord knows how America loves its fatty food. In fact, if there’s only one thing that overshadows our insatiable revenge-fueled blood lust, it’s our pure-insanity driven invention ideas.
Now, we don’t talk about guns a lot here, because normally we’re busy eating double cheeseburgers, and we’re legally prohibited from discussing certain grease related accidental gun discharges until the judge sets a court date. But, guns are extremely exciting for most Americans, and are even better than alcohol at artificially inflating your self-esteem.
We’re not gun nuts or anything, we just want to point out that Die Hard would have been a lot less exciting if Bruce Willis was using mace or a tazer or something. Which is why our interest was piqued when we saw the perfect insane American invention that takes all the confidence building of guns, all the craziness of most of our inventions, and combines the two to scoop out delicious ladles-full of vengeance.
What we’re trying to say is…some glorious bastards in Alabama decided to make bullets out of dead people.
Lock and load, motherfuckers.
Posted in Strange America
Tagged America, Bullets, Charlton Heston, Cremation, Guns, Holy Smoke Bullets, The White House, Zombie
“And they say that, in their most dire moment, a chosen one will spurn his British curse, and become, spiritually, a true American.”
~The prophecy
America Fun Fact of the Day likes to keep things, you know, local. Much like George Washington was a staunch isolationist, we don’t give a shit about what goes on outside of America. Oh what’s that, Greece is poor? Tough shit, sell the Parthenon or something. Not our debt, not our problem. We don’t even know what a European Union is, but if you put us on the spot we’d say…Soccer team? British Iron Workers? Again, we don’t know, we don’t care.
But, despite our extreme disinterest in other nations, we do understand that being American is more than just a geographical concept. Hell, some of the least American people in the world were born and raised in America. So, is it possible that there are American souls trapped in bodies that were born in un-American nations? While this may go down as one of the most surprising statements you’ll hear from America’s proudest batch of Xenophobes, yes. Yes it is possible. Sometimes it just tales of incredible feats to us to realize that.
We’re talking about British people drowning in beer.
Or as the British call it, “Gobbling the Hozzywaller in the Fainterphone.” Probably. GOD that place is a mess.
Tagged America, Beer, England, European Union, George WAshington, google, Greece, Jello Shots, London, Parthenon, porter, Soccer
“I regret everything about my association with this company.”
~Bill Cosby
What does America like? Killing horses, of course. What else are we fans of? Sugar. And by the America law of transference, anything that can be used to get you drunk is automatically awesome. That’s why we had our AFFotD Jingle-writer, Tom Waits, write a little ditty about…Jell-O. Because he was starting to go into D.T. and we told him he had to write something really cheesy and campy before he got to drink his medicine. Here’s what he came up with.
We’re big fans of horse’s hooves
Make them tasty instead of glue
Add some sugar, and whatdya do?
You put it in booze and get shitfaced.
It needs work, but that’s beside the point, we’re here to tell you about America’s favorite dessert that tries to fatten up America’s youth by imploring to them that “There’s always room for empty calories.”
JELL-O MOTHERFUCKERS!
Posted in Strange Alcohol
Tagged America, Bill Cosby, British guys, Horses, Jell-o, Jell-O Shots
“End of July, end of the week, end of me caring. Just post one of those day in history dealies.”
~Johnny Roosevelt
As July comes to a close, Americans are in the middle of Bar-B-Q season. Meat is being seared by greenhouse gasses and it tickles us pink at the AFFotD offices. So much so that we just use the term “tickles us pink” without a hint of irony. And we hate that phrase as much as you do. Trust us.
Sundays are for grilling. Today is Sunday. So we’re not going to waste our time writing about “things” so instead we’ll just write about American things that have happened today in history. Because we are obsessed with the past, and are haunted by things we cannot change. Those hollow eyes. They once saw, now they are blind.
Wait, what?
Today’s Day in American History
“Fuck you, kid!”
~Chuck E. Cheese
It’s Saturday, so again, it’s time for another amazing American picture with little description. Sometimes it’s something simple, like a bird riding on an eagle’s back. Sometimes it’s…well, a kid getting flipped off by Chuck-E-Cheese.
Have a good weekend, everyone.
“With the power of…DAIRY!”
~Cheeseman, a short lived American superhero
Fair warning, this America Fun Fact of the Day will not be about Cheeseman. We know, you’re all a little saddened by that revelation, but we decided to rip the band-aid off cleanly, and right away. Shh, shh, it’s okay. It’s okay. Drink to forget. Drink to forget.
But that doesn’t mean we’re not going to talk about cheese. Not an American history of cheese, because holy shit that’s a good idea but we’re way too hungover for that, but we are going to talk about a little place we have mentioned before in passing, a venue that is all beer, cheese, and absurd Midwestern ideals of grandeur.
We’re talking about…the Mars Cheese Castle, in Kenosha, Wisconsin.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged America, Cheese, Cheese Curds, Chicago, John F. Kennedy, Johnny Cash, Mars Cheese Castle, Milwaukee, New York
“Earn your money, whore. Earn your money and talk about our damn Frosties.”
~Wendy’s Executives
The staff of AFFotD are not, by the general definition, foodies. We appreciate a fine steak as much as anyone, and we might have had an embarrassingly sexual response to hearing about gourmet cocktails that house Old Fashioneds inside an ice-shaped egg, and we’ll even shell a hundred bucks on a dinner and actually appreciate the meal, but…come on, people, we’ve written two articles about deep fried foods. So if you tell us about any dish with the term “reduction sauce” in it, our eyes are likely to roll into the back of our heads like an A.D.D. Epileptic. So when we scour the internet to find the latest American food inventions (Sponsored, as always, by Wendy’s. Wendy’s: They pay us to dance and goddamn it we’re going to dance!) we don’t look for exciting uses of quail egg, or quick-freeze layers of liquefied ox tail, hell no, we want to see unhealthy shit piled up as high as our cholesterol.
And that’s when we found…
The “Deep in the Heart (Attack) of Texas” sandwich. Yes. Yes. All of this yes. (………Sponsored by Wendy’s)
Posted in Wendy's Presents
Tagged America, Aviary, Baconator, Cer Te, Deep in the heart (attack) of texas, John Goodman, Old Fashioneds, Wendy's
America Fun Fact of the Day 