*pop*
*hssssss*
“…Gas? GAS! GAAASSSSSS! MASKS ON! MASKS ON GODDAMN IT! OH GOD TOO LATE!!!!”
~Residents of Irwindale, CA
(source)
The American Evolution Of Seasoning and Spicy Foods
Posted in America's Best Foods, America's Greatest Fun Facts
Tagged America, Candy, Capsaicin, Capsicum frutescens, chicken, chili peppers, Edmund McIlhenny, Edward Avery McIlhenny, jalapeño peppers, John Avery McIlhenny, Motel 6, Rough Riders, salt, seasonings, Spicy, Spicy Food, Sriracha, steak, Tabasco, Teddy Roosevelt
“They melt in your heart, not in your OH MOTHER OF GOD SOMETHING HAS GONE HORRIBLY WRONG.”
~Rejected M&M slogan
In 1941, Forrest Mars, Sr., son of the Mars Company founder Frank C. Mars, patented a process for tempering a hard shell of chocolate around chocolate pellets in order to prevent the candies from melting. Production immediately began under the name M&M Limited (named for Mars and Bruce Murrie, the son of the president of Hershey’s chocolate with a 20% stake in the product), with an agreement to only use Hershey chocolate. These button-shaped candies exploded in popularity during the second World War due to their durability, and the shells were given bright colors such as yellow, green, red, and violet to go along with standard brown-colored shells. And with that, an American institution was created.
These “m” printed candies are now sold in over 100 countries, but remain the most popular to-go chocolate snack for Americans everywhere. The simple elegance of the coated milk chocolate delivers a burst of flavor with each individual candy, and just thinking about M&Ms while reading this article has you saying, “Goddamn it, I really want a bag of M&M’s right now.” And you should.
Throughout the years we’ve been sampling the best of America, we’ve learned through painful, gut-wrenching trial and error, that sometimes the best American ideas are cruelly marred by our at-times overzealous imaginations. Yes, the same good intentions and terrible execution that gave us Watermelon Oreos has befallen the perfection that is the M&M candy. And, as is our sworn duty, we are here to let you know that these mistakes exist, because it’s only when we see those we care about at their ugliest that we can truly learn to love their beauty. Or we just like telling you about terrifying candies. However you want to look at it.
M&M’s Grossest Flavors of All Time
Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts, Strange Foods
Tagged America, Bruce Murrie, Candy, Candy Corn, Cherry Cordial, Chocolate, coconut, Forrest Mars, Frank Mars, Hershey's, M&M, M&M's, Mars Bars, Mars Company, Mars Corporation, mounds, peanut butter, pumpkin spice, Revenge of the Fallen, Transformers, White Chocolate
“Pizza Little Party? Oh man, let’s try to avoid jokes calling Pizza Little Party a Japanese pizza establishment, I’d be so rac…oh God, it’s real, isn’t it?”
~Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD
Before we get started, let’s take a deep breath and look at that screenshot. Just, really soak it in. Let it wash over you like a cool stream. This is a thing that exists, that happened in real life, that is currently happening in real life. Don’t let yourself forget that.
For a website that dedicates itself to the Americanness of being American, we sure do seem to talk about Japan a lot. You might wonder, “Why? Why are there more articles about Japanese Doritos on this site than ones about Ben Franklin?” Well, for starters, if you ever tried to write about Ben Franklin’s life, you immediately would come down with a severe case of 18th century syphilis, and we’ve yet to find a writer to volunteer for that (though, come to think of it, we might have a perfect candidate). But secondly, Japan takes American ideals but then warps them in fascinating, terrifying ways, and we hope that maybe, just maybe, by showing them the craziness of their ways they might take things down a notch and start embracing a more normally (read as, “less tentacles”) American way of life.
You’re right. It’s futile. They’re too far gone to be saved. Just look at how they do pizza chains.
Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong: The Pizza Little Party Pizzeria
“I mean, how do I…finish this? It’s EVERYWHERE.”
~Consumers of the following
Hamburgers are a wonderful. We’ve often explained why in great detail. We’ve searched around for the largest in the world. Hell, we’ve even unleashed our wallets to let you know the most expensive burgers in the world. Hamburgers are wonderful.
That past paragraph was technically a palindrome.
Anyway, as much as we love hamburgers, America loves them even more, which is why there are millions of variations of the suckers out there to clog your arteries. Some are fancy, some are plain. Some are tofu. All are delicious. Except for tofu burgers, you get that right the hell out of our face, eat yourself a nice rare steak, and write us a 4,000 word essay on why you are bad and should feel bad. No, we’re serious, go home and think about what you’ve done. We’ll wait.
Ahem.
Of course, as we can see with doughnut burgers, Americans love their burgers unhealthy and sloppy. That’s why we’ve decided to scour the google internet our contact list the nation, on foot, forming painful blisters from thousands of traversed miles to find you the sloppiest, messiest burgers that our fair country has to offer. Are there other examples of potentially messier burgers out there? Well, probably, Jesus “messy” is such an objective term and maybe if you’re nice we’ll do a follow up to this article. But in the meantime, sink your fangs into…
The 10 Messiest Burgers In America
Posted in Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Steaks, Strange Foods
Tagged 666 Burger, America, Applebee's, Bratwurst, Burger, cheeseburger, deep-fried twinkies, Double Coronary Burger, fried mac and cheese, Hamburger, Heart Attack Grill, Jucy Lucy, Kuma's Corner, Mac and Cheese, Mac and Cheese Burger, Messy Hamburger, Mexican hamburger, Mozzarella sticks, Quadruple Bypass Burger, quesadilla, Terrible Garbage Burger, The Simpsons, The Slayer, Twinkie burger, twinkies, Winer and Still Champion, Wisconsin
“What do you mean you only have baked potatoes? Are you an Irish farmer?”
~New York Restaurant Patrons
Since the turn of the century, the restaurant business in America has constantly evolved. We don’t remember 1999 too well because alcohol and constant internet stimulation has pretty much decimated our ability to hold onto memories to a degree that would make people really sad and go, “Aww” if we were old instead of just young(ish) and irresponsible. But, if memory serves (it doesn’t) back in 1999 people only ate at Taco Bells giving out Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace action figures, and if you wanted to impress your date right out of her flannel shirt you’d take her to a nice French Bistro and try to tell yourself that the shear amounts of butter being used was enough to forgive the food for it’s French origins.
Since then, there’s been a foodie revolution in our country, which has brought us wonderful culinary delights as well as pretentious shit that makes us roll our eyes. And one of these trends, for better or worse, is single-item eateries, restaurants that only serve one specific dish. Sure, opening an eatery that only sells, say, overpriced baked potatoes might not be the most sound practice, but some places manage to find enough excitement in their ability to do one thing really well that they thrive. Even if you can’t fathom how enough people could manage to support a place that solely exists to give you pudding.
But hey, if you’re in New York you might as well be doing something other than waiting in line at 4AM to get a fucking doughnut, so sure, we’ll help you out by telling you some of the more unique and unusual single-item restaurants out there. Technically in America, but let’s be real, this concept totally spent the last 8 years radiating outwards from New York.
America’s Unusual Single-Item Restaurants
Posted in Strange Foods
Tagged America, Baked Potato, Cereality, Food, French Fries, Meatloaf, Meatloaf Cupcake, oatmeal, Pommes Frites, restaurants, Rice Pudding, Rice to Riches, Single-Item Restaurants, Soup
“What in the living hell? What is going ON here? This is terrifying. I want it all.”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
The American fast food industry has a rich history of creating unhealthy Frankenstein meals, possibly as part of a sadistic plan to fatten up the populace enough that Soylent Green becomes a financially viable food product. Ever since Taco Bell created “Fourth Meal” and White Castle whipped out their “What you Crave” slogan as a not-so-subtle way of telling you “these sliders taste like sex when you’re drunk or high,” fast food chains have gone in two directions with their meals. They either cater their menu to daytime customers, the kinds of people who might want to nibble on a nice Egg White McMuffin on the way to work, or just have a Whopper with fries for lunch, or they realize, “huh, for some reason our locations around colleges are empty during the day, and then have lines out the door at three in the morning” and start offering food that sounds like it would be fucking delicious when you’re hammered.
Here’s a quick sobriety test for you. Did you know that Burger King sells tacos? If you said, “Oh God, that sounds disgusting” you’re probably only a few beers into your day. If you read that and thought, “Man, I would love to try that right now” you must be pretty hammered.
Apparently Jack in the Box has decided to fully embrace this concept in a way that borders on insanity, which is why our nation is about to be presented with the Jack’s Munchie Meal. And because it will take about six shots of whiskey and a familial history of mental illness to truly demonstrate everything going on with these $6 “man how drunk was I last night?” meals, we’re bringing back our News Item of the Month feature to really delve into the true eyes of corporate fast food madness.
Behold.
AFFotD News Item of the Month: Jack in the Box has lost their GODDAMN MINDS
“OH GOD IT BURNS GET IT OUT OF ME OH GOD JUST TAKE A KNIFE AND CUT IT OUT OF ME!”
~AffotD Food Critic John Goodman
If you do a quick Google search, you’ll find that many people outside of this country assume that Americans don’t like spicy food. Ignoring the fact that American cuisine has been embracing spiciness with increasingly fanatical zeal for the past seven years or so, or that we are responsible for a little thing called Cajun food, cultures that embrace “flavorful” cuisine operate under the assumption that Americans were raised eating bland, lifeless food. Of course, anyone who has ever stared in wide-eyed horror at the slew of fried foods state fairs have to offer knows that that America doesn’t have any problem doing insane, irresponsible things to our meals, and that line doesn’t stop at spiciness.
No, if America has one culinary trait that trumps all others, its our love of taking normal food and making it recklessly unhealthy or uncomfortable to eat. There’s a reason why we had a show called Man vs. Food that literally consisted of, “Let’s take Adam Richman and make him eat impossible to eat things that restaurants actually sell to customers every day.” So, yes, of course we love spicy food. And not only does America like spicy food, we like stupidly spicy food. Literally dozens of Americans will purchase chili peppers 10,000 times spicier than Tabasco sauce, and will film themselves eating them, because this is America goddamn it and besides, stomach lining grows back. Right?
Naturally, AFFotD needed to put this myth of bland food to rest by showing you the spiciest dishes being served in America. Some of you are going to immediately hunt down these dishes to eat them, and you will be so angry that you did that, and our staff will laugh so hard at your misery. That’s only part of the reason why we’re doing this. The rest is, you know, uh, spicy food is delicious and America does spicy right.
The Five Spiciest Meals in America
Posted in Strange Foods
Tagged Adam Richman, America, Brick Lane curry House, Bushido spicy tuna roll, Capsaicin, Chunky's Burgers & More, East Coast Grill, Emperor's Eggroll, Emporer's Egg Roll, Food, food cultures, four Horsemen Burger, Golden Blossom, Man vs. Food, Pasta Plate From Hell, Peppers, Phaal Curry, restaurants, Scoville, Scoville Units, seppuku, spiciest, Spicy Food
“Eww? Right, that should be my response? Eww? I still want to try them.”
~American Oreo Consumers
Oreos are great. We’ve discussed in some length the history of the company, and some of their more interesting products (here’s looking at you, Football Oreos) in the past, but we feel like we have to really bring that point home because sometimes it’s hard to remember exactly how good Oreos are. Whenever an American sees a full glass of milk, they instinctively try to twist open an Oreo even if they’re not even holding one. That’s called conditioning, and it was invented by a bell-maker named Pavlov. Though, despite the fact that Oreos are a timeless classic, the past few years have seen a slew of “Limited-time” flavors appear that range from “not chocolate and cream” to “no, seriously, why are you making Oreos that are flavored anything other than chocolate and cream?” It’s gotten to the point that we at AFFotD feel it’s time to step in and take a hard look at some of the odd varieties of Oreos that people have flocked to Target to buy. Every single one of them shouldn’t work…and honestly, probably don’t. But you have to at least give Nabisco credit for trying. Even if they’re tampering with perfection.
The Grossest Oreos To Hit American Shelves
Posted in Strange Foods
Tagged America, Flavors, Nabisco, Oreos, strange flavors, Strange Food
“It’s been so long since we’ve talked about fried foods, my Cholesterol levels have almost gone done to healthy levels. Almost.”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
Fried food. Crunchy goodness. Grease’s children. The culinary manifestation of a fat man punching himself in the heart. Whatever you call it, battering food and dipping it in boiling oil is as American as apple pie, assuming that you battered the apple pie and immersed it in boiling oil beforehand. We’ve documented the cutting edge of American fried foods six times before, but it’s been about a year since we’ve sat down and scoured the dumpsters of our nation’s state fairs to find the latest in delicious food that technically can be considered a murder weapon in several of our more obese states. And that is far too long to go without terrifyingly complex fried foods.
So grab onto your nutritionist’s desperate letters urging you to, “Stop, for the love of God, do you have a death wish?” because things are about to get a little unhealthy.
America’s Craziest Fried Foods: 2013 Edition
Posted in Fried Foods
Tagged America, Bacon, Bacon Cinnamon Roll, Cheetos, Cinnamon Roll, Doritos, Fried Food, Fried Foods, Jambalaya, Jelly Beans, picnic, State Fair, texas state fair
“This is unholy. This is an abomination. I want ten of them right now.”
~You, with most of these menu items
Fast food holds a dear place in the hearts of all Americans. No, we mean that literally, everyone reading this has a tiny chunk of a Big Mac lodged somewhere in their arteries, waiting patiently for the best time to stroke strike. Do not fight it, and it won’t fight you. Yes you want fries with that.
But as much as people have been focusing lately on how “unhealthy” and “disgusting behind the scenes” fast food places are, good old American gumption helps us stay strong by covering our ears and going, “La la la I’m not listening I’d like a Whopper with no onions please.” And part of the reason why fast food is here to stay is that, like many Americans, they’re not satisfied with the status quo. They’re constantly evolving their menu and testing out new products that can range from “surprisingly glorious” to “ah, look, a Double Down wrapper. I think we’ve found our cause of death.”
Food items are not added to menus lightly (okay, sometimes they are, and it’s hilarious). Honestly, did you think that this just fucking happened? Of course not, you can’t roll out a Monster Thickburger to an unsuspecting nation without endangering the lives of the residents of, say, Columbus, Ohio first. So we’re here to give you an inside glimpse into the minds of the fast food giants by letting you know what they’re currently testing in markets that you (statistically, probably) don’t live in. Some of which you can’t wait to see on menus nationwide, and some of which will terrify you but you also can’t wait to see on menus nationwide.
Fast Food’s Most Insane Products Currently Being Tested
Posted in Strange Foods
Tagged America, Carl's Jr., Doritos, Doritos Locos, Fast Food, Fritos, Hardee's, Ice Cream Sandwich, In-N-Out, McDonalds, Pepsi, Subway, Taco Bell, Wendy's
America Fun Fact of the Day 